9 yrs post divorce; still walking on eggshells; gotta get past this; any ideas?

[alf]

So, friends, I am embarrassed to say this. Though I am free and grateful, and soo much happier and healthier, I am still rattled by my BPDEx.  Ugh.  I check my voice mail every day, just in case (kids have been alienated, so one could argue it is not necessary).  And when I do, I feel jittery and afraid.  It is a long-ingrained guilty feeling like I have done something wrong.  She only leaves messages about once a month, but when she does they are vitriolic and demeaning.  I really want to get past this. 

On the positive side, I feel great about the fact that I have control over when she enters into my life.  I have a cheap cell phone that is devoted to her and is always off.  I check the messages from another number.   Also, I have a dear friend who I can ask to listen to the messages when there is one and she knows how to determine if there is any need to listen or respond.  90% of the time the messages are content-free and just complaining and criticizing (almost as if she knows the effect is has on me… hummmm)

On the negative side, I feel ashamed to have BPDEx still have this power (even though it is relatively minor).  I feel as though I should be stronger, less sensitive.  By being ashamed like this it makes it worse.  Perhaps I should just accept that it is normal to have a toxic person have a toxic effect.  And particularly when she wreaked such havoc on my life, to have a reaction is normal.  But I feel that it is cumulatively bad for me to go through this 30 second ritual (checking the voice mail) every day with the pit in the stomach feeling that danger is around the corner.

I see three options

1. Suck it up.  Accept the feelings of fear and don't beat myself up about it.  It makes sense she would rattle me.  Give myself that without shame.  Accept the minor unpleasantness. This seems like the best bet.

2. Get help through therapy.  Disinclined toward this as it is such a minor part of my life.

3. Stop checking the messages.  Disinclined toward this because kids are not quite of legal age.  It will happen within 4 years.  Not long given the 20+ year ordeal I have been through.


Any thoughts?  Can anyone relate to this?

[letmeout]

I had the same idea when I left my BPD spouse. I got a cheap cell phone and gave him that number to call to rant and rage to. Which he did plenty of, but I wasn't listening. No one needs to listen to that BS.

Luckily our kids were already out on their own, but he did his best to alienate them from me. Your kids sound old enough to call you if they need you. Never listen to her voice mails, it will free you in so many ways that you can't imagine   

[Panda39]

I would recommend visiting a therapist.  It's been 9 years since your divorce and she and her phone calls are triggering you.  I think a few visits with a professional might help. 

Since your ex still has custody of your minor children (alienated or not) I think as their dad you must be reachable.  I think the way you currently manage the phone situation is good.

Take care,

Panda39

[HopefulDad]

Create a public facebook account with her pic as the profile pic, give her the name "crazy loon" and start posting recordings of the messages, emails and texts she sends you.  Email her a link to the page and tell her every message/email/text will be posted there moving forward.  Let her know all of her friends will see it.

I'm only half-kidding.

[letmeout]

Actually that is a great idea, BUT she would probably threaten to sue and then retaliate in every possible way. No one is more vengeful than someone with a borderline personality.

[bravhart1]

Create a public facebook account with her pic as the profile pic, give her the name "crazy loon" and start posting recordings of the messages, emails and texts she sends you.  Email her a link to the page and tell her every message/email/text will be posted there moving forward.  Let her know all of her friends will see it.

I'm only half-kidding.

This is the first time I've laughed all week. And I really need that. Thank you for your humor

[maxen]

hi alf. certainly you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. that only compounds the situation. it's real, and it doesn't victimize anyone else. there's nothing to beat yourself up about.

however,

2. Get help through therapy.  Disinclined toward this as it is such a minor part of my life.

is it minor?

I check my voice mail every day, just in case (kids have been alienated, so one could argue it is not necessary).  And when I do, I feel jittery and afraid.

it would be nice to be rid of that. could you consider visiting with a therapist?

[Dutched]

Feel so sorry for you Alf and there is certainly no reason at all to be embarrassed!

The pain you feel is real, no one could judge you for that! Certainly after a 20+ yrs. as I feel it with my 30+yrs!

Keep in mind that it is not only the trigger ex causes, it is MAINLY (and THAT is far worse!) that your children are alienated!

THAT is the grieve you suffer and ex is seen, by your mind, as a life-line.

The only line that can tell you about the kids… the very silent hope one puts in that, the trigger as response.

When ex left, D, then 19yrs, left too. Right away pushing me away started, then pulling me back. Since more than 3 yrs. NC, not even a response when I offered her to pick up her belongings.

It hurts and will continue to hurt deep inside, despite all advises, despite all sessions with my T.


The pain you feel is also an expression of anger, that is fine, is even good.

Despite all roads to recovery from a very long r/s (special ours with a BPD) it takes not the normal time to heal.

Even according to Judith Wallerstein 

The Persistence of Anger:

One-half of the women and one-third of the men are still intensely angry at

their former spouses despite the passage of ten years. Because their feelings have not changed, anger has become an ongoing, and sometimes dominant presence in their children's lives as well.

Continuing Pain:

There is no evidence that time automatically diminishes feelings or memories; that hurt and depression are overcome; or that jealously, anger, and outrage will vanish. Some experiences are just as painful ten years later; some memories haunt us for a lifetime. People go on living, but just because they have lived ten more years does not mean they have recovered from the hurt (p. 30).


Besides the given good advises by others, try to get more in control.

Maybe (input from others too, please), telling her (via lawyer?) your boundaries, stating  contact only when kids involved. It might give you some inner rest.

[Mutt]

Hi alf,

It must feel terrible feeling ashamed.  I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. It sounds like it's emotional listening to the voice messages?  I can relate.

I had subscribed to voice mail to text and I found it had helped me because I didn't have to hear the tone of my exe partner's voice. I searched online and there are apps, I can't vouch for them because I subscribed with my cellphone provider. The fee was 7$ a month with my service provider and it was well worth it.

Voice mail to text will transcribe your voice mail and send it to your email and attach a recording. I see that some US providers will send it to SMS so it may be worth checking out how it works. I think that I would prefer the leisure of reading an e-mail. A niggle is that sometimes it may not transcribe smoothly. For example it did mistake my ex partner's name and transcribed her name different sometimes and for the more so than less so.

I could quickly glance at an email and for me it removed the emotional aspect.

I found I also struggled at switch on / off days with the kids and co-parenting and seeing her, even if it was for a few minutes. I sometimes run into her in my neighborhood and most if not all of our appointment s with teachers, doctors etc are organized separately.  That being said I see her very little and found it difficult and its over two years after the break-up

I was given advice from a good friend that helped me. She advised to not avoid what I was feeling, identify what they are, go through through them and then use mindfulness. I repeat this each time that I have feelings of anxiety, stress and I have noticed an improvement; eventually you become conditioned. That's the goal that I am working towards. I hope that helps.