Legal threats if I don't pay up...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am so close to getting out of this train wreck marriage.

Stbx uBPDw found out today that my paycheck went to my account, instead of the joint account. She's demanding half my paycheck or she'll call the court and my employer.

Employer was warned of potential phone calls (my contract has a morals clause, and she was alleging adultery on my part). My employer has a written policy of advising crazy spouses to contact the court and not getting involved.

So I'm stressed because I'm getting these dysregulated emails -- she feels she is entitled to half my paycheck. I don't want to cave to threats or I'll have to pay again and again. Eventually it has to stop.

It'll cost roughly $7k to ship her and her stuff home. I'm almost to the point of moving out and leaving her stranded, but that doesn't end it... .In fact, it escalates it. I'm just so sick of this psycho... .But I don't want to pay because there will be another demand, and eventually there will be a showdown.

I'm sure some of this behavior is because we are this close to the finish line. The finality must be driving her nuts.

Dear God this should all be over in roughly two weeks -- she wants to fly home on the 29th.

Eyes on the prize.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

I am so close to getting out of this train wreck marriage.

Stbx uBPDw found out today that my paycheck went to my account, instead of the joint account. She's demanding half my paycheck or she'll call the court and my employer.

Employer was warned of potential phone calls (my contract has a morals clause, and she was alleging adultery on my part). My employer has a written policy of advising crazy spouses to contact the court and not getting involved.

So I'm stressed because I'm getting these dysregulated emails -- she feels she is entitled to half my paycheck. I don't want to cave to threats or I'll have to pay again and again. Eventually it has to stop.

It'll cost roughly $7k to ship her and her stuff home. I'm almost to the point of moving out and leaving her stranded, but that doesn't end it... .In fact, it escalates it. I'm just so sick of this psycho... .But I don't want to pay because there will be another demand, and eventually there will be a showdown.

I'm sure some of this behavior is because we are this close to the finish line. The finality must be driving her nuts.

Dear God this should all be over in roughly two weeks -- she wants to fly home on the 29th.

Eyes on the prize.

Gomez

[scraps66]

All entitled bluff and blunder.  Don't let it stress you out. 

[enlighten me]

If the divorce cant be stopped now then what can she do? She would have to prove adultery which you can easily counter. It will cost her more money which she wont want to pay.

I would call her bluff. Tell her that as far as your concerned the marriage is over and she is no longer entitled to anything more than what was agreed on. Let her know that the cost of ant more legal action would mean you couldnt afford to ship her and her belongings.

Im sure after she speaks to her lawter she will realise she will lose out.

[gomez_addams]

She has no lawyer.

I'm thinking of offering:

A) threats and BS continue, I move to a new apartment and provide you what's in the settlement (horrible for her)

B) threats and BS cease, what's in the settlement, plus I'll ship her and her car and her stuff.

I just want to avoid moving. If I can truly get her out by the end of the month, that is the best case scenario... .But shipping her stuff is expensive. Plans A & B cost me roughly the same (shipping costs vs moving/deposit/rent). I'll still owe a month on the old place, so it ends up a wash for me financially.

Perhaps I'll respond BIFF-style and not bring up moving out. If she gets legal advice, she'll learn from a third party that she isn't entitled to more money.

I'm literally so close. Perhaps I get get the L to spell out the law, and offer to ship everything one week quicker... .

Gomez

[livednlearned]

She made these threats by email? I would forward them to your L, and then instruct your L to write her per the legalities, if any, and then re-assert the terms she has so far agreed to.

Stay out of it at this point, if you can. It will cost you a few more dollars to have the L write the note, and hopefully it will help you sleep better and avoid any more of this.

She's having an extinction burst. There may be more... .

[gomez_addams]

I paid. I transferred the money.

I know it's an extinction burst.

I know I'm setting myself up for more blackmail and threats and manipulation.

I have a coworker in a similar situation, but he is in a custody battle and can't walk away. His dNPDx set her house on fire and blamed him. He's dealing with several open investigations while trying to win custody of his son.

False allegations have a significant financial, professional, and emotional toll... .And drag this out longer.

I'm sick to my stomach, not because of the money, but because I caved.

I am so filled with hatred right now.

Two weeks. If all goes well she's on a plane in two weeks.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

The best revenge is living well.

Everything hinges on convincing my employer to renew my contract.

If the do, I'll live well.

If they do not, I am in serious financial jeopardy for a long, long time.

This is going to be a stressful month, with much riding on it.

Gomez

[ForeverDad]

You had the Leverage - your paycheck.  She couldn't allow that.  Likely there will be more demands.  Acquiescing with a high conflict or entitled person too often enables and invites more demands.  Be prepared for this to occur again when the next paycheck is sent.

Thought experiment, like Einstein did... .  Put the shoe on the other foot.  Imagine if it were her paycheck that she deposited into her personal account and you started making demands for half, would would she do?  Hmm, yeah, that's what I thought.

[gomez_addams]

It's already started -- with the cell phone -- and her wanting to stay on the plan for another 18-months.

Partially diffused because I told her I wasn't worried about the early termination and that is pay it. And I'm sure that when I'm truly not worried about something she can pick up on it. She always targets the things I am worried about.

Gomez

[livednlearned]

She always targets the things I am worried about.

Did she make her threats by email? The one about your paycheck and what she would do if you didn't pay her?

You don't have to take this anymore, gomez. Get your lawyer to stand between you and send a message that there will be no more bullying. That's why you have a lawyer. It's tough to make these decisions when your income and financial security is in the balance -- most of us here have been through this and understand how sickening it feels to be gutted financially. I wish I could go back and give myself a pep talk so I didn't keep rolling over. It never solved anything, it never made the problems grow away. When you give in to a manipulative person, you make them stronger. You think you're feeding them so that they will be satiated, but it doesn't work that way with manipulation. You feed them, they want more.

Put your lawyer in the middle. Or, if you have the strength, say no. Giving her everything will not make her get on that plane. It will make her want to stay and get more from you.

Gomez, I went through this too. I gave my ex the house. Gave it to him. I was hoping to avoid a fight. It took over two years and close to 10K in three hearings to get him to refinance the house. He ignored the first deadline, so I filed a motion for contempt. At the hearing, the judge gave him a new deadline. He ignored that one too. I filed a second motion for contempt. By the second hearing, I had hired a real estate attorney who counseled me to not sign the refi because the home equity loan (maxed out) was not rolled into it. At the second hearing, N/BPDx tried to argue that he lost the refi because of me, so therefore I should not receive alimony   because of the money he lost with that refi. The judge finally found him in contempt of court and ordered sanctions (paying my legal fees). I had to file a third motion of contempt to collect the legal fees.

If you do not have the strength right now to assert your boundaries, get your lawyer involved. You will start to sabotage yourself and all the freebies and kind gestures you offer will do nothing to get her on that plane.

[Safe]

Gomez,

I have been following your thread since I'm about to start my own journey of setting myself free from stbx BPDH.

I would echo the advice of getting the lawyer to shield you from the bullying/threats. Kindness and generosity unfortunately will only fuel the entitlement.

Not to cause you more alarm, if she did not have legal counsel when she signed the documents, there is a chance that she might renege - make sure you are protected.

Safe

[HopefulDad]

As of now, she has NO RIGHT to any part of your paycheck.  Start depositing it in your own account IMMEDIATELY.  Let your lawyers figure out what she is and isn't entitled to.

Cancel joint credit cards, tell her to get her own.  Tell her she is responsible for her own bills.

Cancel your joint cell phone plan.  Tell her to get and pay for her own.

I did all of this.  BPDxw ranted, tried to guilt me, told me what I was doing was illegal, yada yada.  I told my lawyer all of this and he cracked up.

[Waddams]

Been there done that with this situation too.  Let them rant, it's white background noise.  It gets easier especially after the first they go berserk and hold your ground... .and none of their threats become real.  You start to realize that you've got the power, they don't, and you only need to exercise it.

[gomez_addams]

Thanks, everyone.

I'll continue to post updates. I really do appreciate the advice on this board.

Gomez

[livednlearned]

Be gentle with yourself about giving her the money -- we've all done it.

You get stronger as you get distance. It's always easier in hindsight, and much much easier when you're telling someone else to chin up.  

It's a process.  

I can't remember where I read this -- but it was a parent's advice to his kid: "A lot of people will try to put you down in life. Don't be one of them."

[GaGrl]

Don't change your direct deposit back to the joint account. In fact, make sure she takes what you have "gifted" her (read... .extorted), then close the account. With divorce papers signed and filed, it is no longer appropriate nor expected to keep a joint account. She already has what she is going to get... .time to get on that plane and get the personal belongings shipped!

Oh, and tell her today that won't be a split of your next paycheck.

[whirlpoollife]

In  your , "signed1" topic you say there is a three month alimony.

Are you able to use this money as part of that alimony?

[letmeout]

The blackmail never seems to end.

[gomez_addams]

In  your , "signed1" topic you say there is a three month alimony.

Are you able to use this money as part of that alimony?

Probably not.

So as it stands right now, she's going to purchase her airline ticket herself. I'm skeptical, but unless she spends it all there will be some leverage once her car is dropped off to be shipped. She'll literally be stuck here. If she spends all the money, she can wait a few days more and July 1st she gets alimony.

(Note: without naming where we live, you can't drive from here to anywhere. Requires a flight. And a boat to bring your stuff.)

I'm going to pay to ship her car and her stuff. That's not a problem. That means she's gone.

Despite everything, I had a max dollar amount (where I'd lawyer up and fight), and we haven't reached that.

She wants to leave. She's begging me to get her stuff shipped so she can buy a ticket.

I'm just looking to avoid any "just buy me this and I'll go... .Last thing, I promise" type scenarios.

She wants to fly the 29th. That's two weeks.

Eyes on the prize.

Gomez

Ps -- my lawyer thinks she's crazy.

[gomez_addams]

As it stands right now:

Shipping her stuff is about $1k cheaper than moving to a new apartment. I'd still owe 1 month rent on the old place, and moving costs, and the hassle of unpacking boxes.

Playing hardball drags this out, but I'm mentally prepared if she's still here past July 1st. I've spoken with the L about options (subletting the apartment to her and charging rent -- which rent alone is more than her alimony).

Right now it's fingers crossed that I can get her on a plane. If not, L will handle the communications. I can't evict her without a TRO, and that's a bit of a stretch. I can definitely get one for ten days, but I'm likely to lose at the hearing, and I give her a forum to make false allegations. In this state, the woman (unofficially) has to break something in front of you or have something in her hand while making a threat. She just hasn't crossed the threshold for a solid TRO.

I finished the last of the divorce paperwork today, so I will be divorced in 3-10 weeks. Probably 4-5 (there's one part-time judge and several full-timers; its 3-5 weeks or 5-10, depending on who gets assigned the case).

A false allegation could impact me even if vindicated, because of the nature of my work. A likely outcome is that I'm supervising a landscaping crew for a bit while it gets resolved. While no one wants a false allegation, it hits me a little harder than the average guy due to the nature of my work. Her out of state makes it tougher to impact me professionally.

So here's to a two week sprint to the finish line!

Gomez

[ForeverDad]

Despite everything, I had a max dollar amount (where I'd lawyer up and fight), and we haven't reached that.

Understand that for some things the money paid before walking into court may be viewed as 'gifts' and not 'payments'.  At least that is how Child Support is often considered... .court order = payment, voluntary = gift.  It may not be an issue in your case, you already have an in-process written settlement, but don't automatically presume that the court will see everything your way.

[maxen]

Understand that for some things the money paid before walking into court may be viewed as 'gifts' and not 'payments'.

exactly what i was thinking. i discovered through the divorce process that money given to/used in benefit of/spent on the other party falls into categories. after my w bolted i felt so humiliated and convicted that i went into the L thinking i had to prove that i was not a bad guy. look - i paid all her vet bills! i paid for all our vacations! i'm a good guy! wouldn't that help me in court? "don't say that" was the answer. if it's habitual (and it was), it would be construed as "support", a payment that the w would have come to rely upon and i would continue to be on the hook for. in your case gomez it sounds as if this was a one-time thing, not a recurring thing, and that's a gift. but don't do it next time, or it may start to look like support.

in any case, the agreement is signed, and i wonder if your exw could make such an argument anyway?

Ps -- my lawyer thinks she's crazy.

good (and, of course, correct). this may help in setting tactics. nice to have validation besides.

[ugghh]

Gomez,

It sounds like in general you are handling things just fine.  While all BPD tend to follow the same path, they often add their own twists and turns.  In my case we managed to overlook a significant escrow refund from the settlement of the house.  The reality is that I had a pretty good chance at being entitled to half of it.  But what it would have cost in attorney fees to fight for it would have eaten up the whole amount.  Instead I used it to get her to take action on some other items I needed.

For example you might say "When you send me a copy of your plane ticket, I will arrange for the items to be shipped."

[scraps66]

I was told I "gifted" a house, at $65k down payment, and gifted the $15k payoff on her car in my case.  All for a 47 month marriage.  I was given no credit for these things and my case was treated as if we were both financial contributors to the marriage. 

Upon reflection I see this as a way of the court making their decisions more easily if they don't know what to do.  In many cases they don't know how to evaluate information provided or incorporate the circumstances into the decision making process.  So, throwing these things out means they don't get considered.  Then the equitable dist. Master would go no to say, "He makes double the salary that she makes, this is a 50/50 split," well, income of both parties is a factor in determining ED.  But, it is a factor way down the list to be taken in order of priority and the Master got it wrong anyway.  Using our incomes from the support calcs with all the deductions accounted for I wasn't exactly doubling her salary.

In a longwinded, venting sort of way, don't expect to get any credit for these olive branches being handed out.  She'll get every opportunity in the book and you get no credit for being the rational one all along.

[HopefulDad]

In a longwinded, venting sort of way, don't expect to get any credit for these olive branches being handed out.  She'll get every opportunity in the book and you get no credit for being the rational one all along.

Hopefully in a few months you will be well over the "lost money".  Try not to look back at what your balance sheet used to look like.  Accept that the process can be a headscratcher.  When the asset division is settled and well in the rearview mirror, maybe you will look at this process as best money ever spent.

[gomez_addams]

In a longwinded, venting sort of way, don't expect to get any credit for these olive branches being handed out.  She'll get every opportunity in the book and you get no credit for being the rational one all along.

Hopefully in a few months you will be well over the "lost money".  Try not to look back at what your balance sheet used to look like.  Accept that the process can be a headscratcher.  When the asset division is settled and well in the rearview mirror, maybe you will look at this process as best money ever spent.

I for one am paying a premium to end this early. My offer was so high that she went from "I'm not signing" to "I'd like to be out of here by the end of the month" in a single weekend.

I can make more money. I can't make more time.

Gomez

[letmeout]

When I was divorcing my BPDex I finally realized that he was nothing more than liar and a thief who had no conscious.

What amazed me was how I was able to deny this obvious truth throughout our marriage!