Feeling scared in a home for the first time From engagement to over in 7 days.

[rotiroti]

First of all, I am incredibly happy that this place exists. I (30M) just moved across the country to be with my gf/fiancee (29F) of 7 months... .

I feel like I need to explain out background a little more: We were friends for about 7 years and have dated for the last 8 months. We started out as long distance, but our years of friendship (or so i had thought) made was really familiar to each other. We are in the same career field with similar goals. We also come from the same culture (East Asian)... I couldn't believe how compatible we were in virtually everyway we carried life... I realize now that I was overlooking some major red flags...

she was always really open with me about her past, even when we were friends. She told me about her physically abusive father, rapes in college (NYC), and how she even worked as a prostitute to pay for her tuition. We ran in similar social circles and she was always the wild girl... .So why did I pick her? As I neared my 30, I felt like I had changed myself, I am no angel and have my fair share of failures. And I will be honest, she is very beautiful, dresses provative, has tattoos... .she's very exciting and fun! Now that we were both officially single, she came into my life and we gave it a try... she had tried to engage me earlier for a relationship but i turned her down due to being in a serious LTR.

Last November or so, I had an interview at the city she works in. We met up for drinks and one thing lead to another. We hooked up and it was amazing. I told her this felt right... she cried and told me she had been waiting for me all along (i know... hindsight). I left the city and we did the long-distance thing for 6 months. We would talk on the phone nightly and provide emotional support. We met at the end of each month and the sex was mind-blowing and her sweetness was incredible. Around February she asked me to move in... I was weary but i gave it some serious thought and i agreed. We both had never lived with an SO before, but we were at our most irrational. Hell, she was talking about children and marriage at this time!

To add to the fire, I went out an purchased an engagement ring before moving out. We met each other's parents and everyone was happy for us (this is in addition to being warned over and over about her dad being a jerk). Last month I packed my bags and drove out 2000 miles to be with her. This is was a rural town, but that was ok... NYC is just an hour's drive away and i would have a car. The night I arrived, I proposed and we fell into each other. The first 5 days or so was what I thought was pure bliss. Lots of sex, sweet talks of futures, and etc. The following day we went to one of her friend's bday parties. She happily showed off her ring and i finally had a chance to meet all of her friends. It was a blast!

At the end of the month she has a big exam related to her career (nursing license exam). I thought I would ease the stresses of daily living and would cook dinners and do some chores around the house. Oh man... she was not pleased at all. I also went out to hang out with her dad at her request... .to which she reacted very negatively towards. At this time she started acting very distant and cold. The sex just stopped, when i went in for a kiss she would avert it... One morning she woke up and told me that she felt smothered by everything i was doing, as if i was holding a gag on her. She finished it by saying that I was not who she thought i was... I was taken aback considering we've known each other for all these years! Anyway I asked her what I could do to change and i agreed to her terms:

1. I'd stop trying to do stuff around the house

2. show her that i'm still passionate about life (i also have the same exam, but at a later date... i'm just a passive study person, i like to read whereas she likes to discuss cases and such)


I could sense the tension being relieved, but i also started walking on egg shells around this time. I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. She would start nitpicking everything about my character or something i was doing. For example, I was moving a blanket and she snapped at me for why i was taking so long. Another time I mispronounced a name of a grain and she corrected me as she would a 5 year old... .this was later met with passionately kissing me goodbye before she would leave for work. I am so confused and insecure in my thoughts

I am tired of this push and pull... and feeling unsafe and unwanted in our home. I secretly packed a bag and the scary thing was, it felt OK to be doing that. I had given up my entire life to be with the love of my life... so i had thought. Yesterday morning we woke up and she started berating me about everything. From my passivity, to my career, questioning my motives, and how we were moving too fast (i agree)... about my last vacation in march how much she loved it... but that she hated the hotel we stayed at because it reminded her of her prostitution days (what the heck)... she did bring up many good points too, I AM passive and there are many things i need to work on my life. I just kept hearing what was wrong with me and i started to question my beliefs and myself... .in my search for an answer i discovered this forum and was releived that I was not the only one going through this... .

She gave me back by ring and followed it with a long hug and kiss on the lips.


As much as it hurts, I don't think this is going to work out. This push and pull... her hiding her phone from me (she never did this) and the berating... not to mention always scared of when she's going to explode again. How dare I cook lentils?

I've since left and am about 2 hours away at a friend's house. My phone and texts are blowing up from her... from accusatory to pleading to asking for forgiveness...

I guess my mind is already made up... but is there a light at the tunnel? Is there a chance to break-up cleanly? I see now how she keeps all of her exes and lovers around. I'm questioning my sanity and her friends are pleading for me to give it another try and this kind of fighting is normal for a new couple. I still care about her deeply and love her, but when i think about how it felt at home... .i think it might just be my lust and need to make things work beckoning to me

what happened to the woman I knew the past 7 months? What happened in the last week?

Sorry about the wall of text... i'm so confused and hurt. Help me find the courage to keep on driving.

[rotiroti]

Just an update, she called me from an unknown number. Told me that running away without working on it (did she decide to forget that I did try?) is a dealbreaker and that the enormous love she felt for me is gone... .I asked her to think about it in my panic... .she cried and then asked me if i still love her and what went wrong


argh i feel so dumb

i said i loved her... she said she would think about it and that she can't say those words but still care for me... and that she will always. She says my problem is all on me and that it's because i'm in my head (she's right)





argh i'm going crazy! but i think the silver lining is that this resolved itself?

[JohnLove]

Hello rotiroti, I was reading your post and it just seemed too perfect. I knew (reading it on here) there was a foreboding element.

It certainly sounds like she is suffering from BPD... .and that this behaviour is par for the course in the BPD playbook. Ask yourself. Can you live like this?... .do you want to?

An armchair analysis of your second post:

Calling from an unknown number? Manipulation... .although I'll forgive this one.

Running away without working on things in a relationship IS a dealbreaker for most people... .and for the rest, well... .there IS nothing left to work on. This is the little bit of truth pwBPD pepper their statements with... .otherwise you would suspect they were stark raving mad!

This next statement. The enormous love she felt for you is gone? This isnt a magic show, but what's with the smoke and mirrors? Genuine Love simply does not work that way.

Hmm... .she can't say she loves you anymore now that you've "misbehaved" by standing up for yourself... .well... .that was quick. Sounds like you've been placed in an orbiting position. How lucky for you.

Of course she would say it is ALL you, but this is deluded, and controlling, and prevents any introspection or shame on her part. And yes she did just up and forget that you tried to resolve things before you left.

Yes. We all live in our heads. That much is true. But look outside your head. Look for the truth in everything.

She now hides her phone. She gave you back your ring and a long hug and kiss on the lips. How composed.

Red flags now start to appear.

[thefixermom]

rotiroti, I'm curious how you found her dad to be?  I'm not saying that one space of time with him would tell the whole story as diabolical people can be charming for a time.  But what did your gut say?  :)id she misrepresent him?  I get the excitement and attachment you feel for this woman.  As the responder before me indicated if she didn't have some appealing qualities to keep you hooked or confused then you'd turn and run fast and far.  Here's another question for you since marriage was proposed.  Would you like your children to be raised by her?  That's a question I wish I would have seriously asked myself once upon a time. Perhaps I wouldn't have a daughter who suffers from BPD now.  If you can't keep yourself away from this woman, maybe just have a fling with her and let it run its course without all the trappings of marriage (use birth control!).

I know it's tough to endure the temporary (because you do get over it) but piercing pain of a separation or relationship ending.  I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.  Indeed, sometimes a person does need to leave the relationship to clear his or her head and reflect on things.  Naturally, it brings out all kinds of reactions from threats to pleadings to enticement from the person trying to win them back.  I think you sound like a gem... .cleaning up the home and fixing meals?  Wow.  So thoughtful and caring.  That is something to be appreciated.  I suspect if her phone is being hidden from you that she's got some wild and sexy texting going on with someone else.  Or she gets off making you jealous.  I don't know.  But it's not rational to assume it to be normal.

[OnceConfused]

it sounds like a typical BPD - intense love then intense hatred.

BPD is very clever mirroring you, making you feel like you have met a soul mate. My xBPDgf did the same. I was so excited to have this woman with lots of things in common and the sex was good. As I got to know her more, I think she was just changing her thinking to match mine or whoever she was with.

THen the bomb shell dropped, like nothing I did was adequate, all my friends were the threat to the relationship.

It sounds to me like at this time, after kicking you out, the fear of abandonment makes her trying to reconnect. But that reconnect has a very short life.

MIght be it is time for you to take the loss and move on.

A wise man gave me this advise:

" Take whatever bad behaviors before the marriage, then mulitply by 5X. If you can handle that then you can continue with the r.s and if you cannot then it is time to move on."

[rotiroti]

Hello rotiroti, I was reading your post and it just seemed too perfect. I knew (reading it on here) there was a foreboding element.

It certainly sounds like she is suffering from BPD... .and that this behaviour is par for the course in the BPD playbook. Ask yourself. Can you live like this?... .do you want to?

An armchair analysis of your second post:

Calling from an unknown number? Manipulation... .although I'll forgive this one.

Running away without working on things in a relationship IS a dealbreaker for most people... .and for the rest, well... .there IS nothing left to work on. This is the little bit of truth pwBPD pepper their statements with... .otherwise you would suspect they were stark raving mad!

This next statement. The enormous love she felt for you is gone? This isnt a magic show, but what's with the smoke and mirrors? Genuine Love simply does not work that way.

Hmm... .she can't say she loves you anymore now that you've "misbehaved" by standing up for yourself... .well... .that was quick. Sounds like you've been placed in an orbiting position. How lucky for you.

Of course she would say it is ALL you, but this is deluded, and controlling, and prevents any introspection or shame on her part. And yes she did just up and forget that you tried to resolve things before you left.

Yes. We all live in our heads. That much is true. But look outside your head. Look for the truth in everything.

She now hides her phone. She gave you back your ring and a long hug and kiss on the lips. How composed.

Red flags now start to appear.

John, thank you so much for your response. I'm so glad that I have found this community and logical minds to bounce my ideas and thoughts off of. You have no idea the relief and burden that was lifted from me reading your straight and honest response.

I really can't live like that nor do i want to... if there is a silverlining in all of this, i'm starting to understand that it's ok and human to want a specific type of love... and the love, respect, and trust she offered me in the beginning were not there. Thanks to this board, i think i recognized the signs fast and... .it's helping me even now!

There really isn't anything to work on... i will admit that i miss her, but i ask myself why. I saw in another post to write a journal about all of the bad. Just rethinking how unsafe and unwanted i felt at home keeps my head on straight. Also now that i'm back at home and seeing old friends again... it's an amazing feeling. Friendships or relationships, i really think you should feel like you BELONG!

Haha i love how you put the enormous love remark straight. My knee-jerk reaction was to feel sadness and pain... from thinking i was the sole cause of it. But you're right! Genuine love absolutely wouldn't play out like that. I see it in my family... i see it in my brother's new family/nephew. It's not a tool to be used to curry favor and use on a whim. Sorry i'm getting riled up with all the right feels. thank you for that

The next paragraph is the most maddening part. I remember while she was berating me, it was ALL of my fault. Having the knowledge that this is how they work is helping me cope with that. I don't think she mentioned anything at all. and she definitely blocked out the fact i did try to make it work. What is orbital btw?

She actually called me last night from an unknown number again. She sounded COMPLETELY normal: "Hey just wondering how you're doing, it's me... .call me whenever you get the chance, bye." I must've listened to it a dozen times and started feeling antsy again. Did i overthink it?/ A second later i realized just how absurd all of this was, i chuckled, deleted it, and blocked that number too

Seriously for someone who told me how much she loved me and wanted to marry me. The ring return with hug and kiss... that's some cold ----!

I am so thankful that I got out this early. I know i have things to work on too... and i'm missing her... but you know what? I like to think i'm a normal person going through grief over loss and i'm going to own up to it. My friends invited me out to board games here in an hour and i'm just going to loving life again.

so once again john, thank you for hearing me out and for the feedback. I feel like myself again!

[rotiroti]

rotiroti, I'm curious how you found her dad to be?  I'm not saying that one space of time with him would tell the whole story as diabolical people can be charming for a time.  But what did your gut say?  :)id she misrepresent him?  I get the excitement and attachment you feel for this woman.  As the responder before me indicated if she didn't have some appealing qualities to keep you hooked or confused then you'd turn and run fast and far.  Here's another question for you since marriage was proposed.  Would you like your children to be raised by her?  That's a question I wish I would have seriously asked myself once upon a time. Perhaps I wouldn't have a daughter who suffers from BPD now.  If you can't keep yourself away from this woman, maybe just have a fling with her and let it run its course without all the trappings of marriage (use birth control!).

I know it's tough to endure the temporary (because you do get over it) but piercing pain of a separation or relationship ending.  I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.  Indeed, sometimes a person does need to leave the relationship to clear his or her head and reflect on things.  Naturally, it brings out all kinds of reactions from threats to pleadings to enticement from the person trying to win them back.  I think you sound like a gem... .cleaning up the home and fixing meals?  Wow.  So thoughtful and caring.  That is something to be appreciated.  I suspect if her phone is being hidden from you that she's got some wild and sexy texting going on with someone else.  Or she gets off making you jealous.  I don't know.  But it's not rational to assume it to be normal.

thefixermom,

thank you for taking the time to read the lengthy post and for your response! You hit on a topic that I've been mulling over ever since i got home.

My gut feeling? Her father was not a bad guy at all! I actually ran into him the day after we hung out, he heard we like a certain Chinese dish so he brought some over while she was away at work. While I was driving away home I guess she contacted him to ask me where i was... he shot me a short email asking where i was and i replied that 1. i was sorry it didn't work between his daughter and myself and 2. thanking him for his hospitality and kindness. He replied wishing me all the best luck in the world and that perhaps we'd run into each other in the future. Reading that broke my heart and i could imagine how hard it must've been for him. He actually gave me lots of advice and warning when my ex and I had him over for dinner in January (this was when i was introduced to him in ex's presence). He told me that marriage is hard and if there are problems that things only get worse and if there is a major quarrel going on with his daughter, it's best to go for a bike ride/fishing/etc

It's scary to think what love can do. I thought the attachment and feelings of having found a soul-mate were so real. Reading about mirroring... wow, i think it was happening through our friendship as well. Having the same ethnicity certainly didn't help and she would bring up that fact all the time.

I am sorry you had to go through such a difficult question. I wish i could travel back in time to warn myself, to see the signs... i'm also so thankful for posters like you who helped (heck actively helping me) stick by what I know is right.

And would i like my children to be raised by her? Heck no! I am emabrassed to admit, but when we were talking about kids, i was head over heels over her idea of raising 3+ kids. I'm paranoid now because I'm not sure if i used adequate birth control... and she knows i have trauma from an abortion i had with an ex in my late teens. As for having the fling, part of me really wants to. i think she could snare me at this moment as I do miss her. Thankfully, this community and reading all the negatives helps me keep my head on straight... she definitely uses sex as a weapon.

Thank you for your kind words! I feel like myself again while my wounds are healing. When i saw my friends again (and reading posts like yours) i'm reminded that human interaction can be very fulfilling and normal. Hanging out with friends... reminds me what it's like to belonging in people's presence. I love helping around the house with friends and family without expectations... because we should support each other!

Last thing, she called me from an unknown number yesterday. Left a voicemail as if nothing was wrong: "Hey it's me, wondering how you're doing. Call me whenever you have time." I must've lsitened to the voicemail a dozen times, questioning if i had overreacted to the whole thing. I came back to this forum and laughed at just how absurd all of this was hahah. I deleted it and blocked that number too

whew

thefixermom, thank you again from the bottom of my heart for sharing your insight and advice. I wish you the best and am glad your daughter has someone who will be her ally

[rotiroti]

it sounds like a typical BPD - intense love then intense hatred.

BPD is very clever mirroring you, making you feel like you have met a soul mate. My xBPDgf did the same. I was so excited to have this woman with lots of things in common and the sex was good. As I got to know her more, I think she was just changing her thinking to match mine or whoever she was with.

THen the bomb shell dropped, like nothing I did was adequate, all my friends were the threat to the relationship.

It sounds to me like at this time, after kicking you out, the fear of abandonment makes her trying to reconnect. But that reconnect has a very short life.

MIght be it is time for you to take the loss and move on.

A wise man gave me this advise:

" Take whatever bad behaviors before the marriage, then mulitply by 5X. If you can handle that then you can continue with the r.s and if you cannot then it is time to move on."

Yes, that soulmate finding feeling? I don't think I've ever felt it that intensely, and the sex... i do miss it but NO thank you!

I would never wish this experience on the worst of my enemies! Man you hit what i went through to the T... all the character assassination, wanting space, and returning the ring. I'm glad i went with my gut feeling and took off. ... .Telling me all of her love disappeared in a day... John replied above and made me realize that is not how love works!

It's hard to enforce NC, but i know it's the right decision. Thank you for your reply as it definitely helps keep my head on straight!

[OnceConfused]

Like all things in nature, time is the best healer.

Right now, the frequency of thinking about her is about 100 occurrences per day, then after 3 months, it will be 10 , and after 6 months it will be 1. After 1 year, your thinking about her will leave as quickly as it comes to your mind.

One thing I did that was very helpful was that I steered my mind into the negatives things about our r.s. Even today , 8 years later, I still have cold sweat thinking what would happen to me and my children, had I stayed with BPD. I thank God for giving me the clarity to walk away, despite my attachment.

[thefixermom]

rotiroti, I love the feeling of healing and joy you get just hanging out with your friends, playing board games or whatever.  Being normal and natural is underrated!  We seek the highs in life and there's nothing more high than intense romance for some of us.  There was once a fella I was involved with for five years who I could not imagine being without.   It had all the incredible highs but the lows were so bad.  I was miserable most of the time. I finally moved far away because I knew I couldn't trust myself to keep away from his persuasive personality.  Took some time to get him completely out of my system and now, years later, when I think of him, I honestly wonder, "What the heck did I see in him?"  I find his type repulsive now.  I can just imagine your ex when she made that call to you and left the voicemail... .she told herself, "Okay, I must sound happy and normal and not let him know how obsessed I am about getting him in my control again."   She knows the hook to get you back is to be light and airy so you will be tricked into thinking it would work again.  I appreciate your friendship and appreciation of her dad.  He does sound like a good person and, who knows, maybe you two will see each other now and then. I'm sure he is sad that his daughter messed up again and lost a good one.  Until she gets some help and does some hard work, this will be her story. You, on the other hand, are well positioned to make some wonderful beautiful loving woman a good mate. I can see you resting your head peacefully on her shoulder one day, thinking privately to yourself, "Wow, this could have been a very different and unhappy story. I'm so grateful I didn't surrender to the fantasy and instead sought out someone real."  Take care, my friend.  And as for me, I'm well.  It's never too late to have a happy and peaceful life. xoxo

[rotiroti]

rotiroti, I love the feeling of healing and joy you get just hanging out with your friends, playing board games or whatever.  Being normal and natural is underrated!  We seek the highs in life and there's nothing more high than intense romance for some of us.  There was once a fella I was involved with for five years who I could not imagine being without.   It had all the incredible highs but the lows were so bad.  I was miserable most of the time. I finally moved far away because I knew I couldn't trust myself to keep away from his persuasive personality.  Took some time to get him completely out of my system and now, years later, when I think of him, I honestly wonder, "What the heck did I see in him?"  I find his type repulsive now.  I can just imagine your ex when she made that call to you and left the voicemail... .she told herself, "Okay, I must sound happy and normal and not let him know how obsessed I am about getting him in my control again."   She knows the hook to get you back is to be light and airy so you will be tricked into thinking it would work again.  I appreciate your friendship and appreciation of her dad.  He does sound like a good person and, who knows, maybe you two will see each other now and then. I'm sure he is sad that his daughter messed up again and lost a good one.  Until she gets some help and does some hard work, this will be her story. You, on the other hand, are well positioned to make some wonderful beautiful loving woman a good mate. I can see you resting your head peacefully on her shoulder one day, thinking privately to yourself, "Wow, this could have been a very different and unhappy story. I'm so grateful I didn't surrender to the fantasy and instead sought out someone real."  Take care, my friend.  And as for me, I'm well.  It's never too late to have a happy and peaceful life. xoxo

thefixermom, thank you once again and for bringing tears to my eyes... .I am so moved that an internet stranger is willing to share their experience and to wishes me well (likewise btw). Like seeing friends, I know that empathy and kindness in this life are VERY REAL. I am so comforted and happy right now!

I can feel myself slowly rising from all the heartbreak fog... realizing it was a fantasy... .realizing I really did try my best at moment. It's all really empowering. Thank you again




"You, on the other hand, are well positioned to make some wonderful beautiful loving woman a good mate. I can see you resting your head peacefully on her shoulder one day, thinking privately to yourself, "Wow, this could have been a very different and unhappy story. I'm so grateful I didn't surrender to the fantasy and instead sought out someone real."

it's raining on my face! 


"It's never too late to have a happy and peaceful life"

[thefixermom]

You've given me a lot of hope, rotiroti.  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see someone of your thoughtfulness and ability to walk through this without caving.  It's great to see that not everyone is as hopeless as I once was when it comes to making the best (but difficult) decisions for one's self and one's future.  I was afraid to survive the pain of attachment that I had when I was younger.  And once I finally had had enough, I saw that it was quite survivable to be alone and that I could be very happy again without my attachment... .and I saw how I had discounted the many great options I had when I was mired in the fog.  The next person you date may not be "the one" either but you will know it sooner and have the confidence to hold out for the best fit.   So, though we will never meet, I am here and real and admiring you, walking the planet wherever you are.

[rotiroti]

You've given me a lot of hope, rotiroti.  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see someone of your thoughtfulness and ability to walk through this without caving.  It's great to see that not everyone is as hopeless as I once was when it comes to making the best (but difficult) decisions for one's self and one's future.  I was afraid to survive the pain of attachment that I had when I was younger.  And once I finally had had enough, I saw that it was quite survivable to be alone and that I could be very happy again without my attachment... .and I saw how I had discounted the many great options I had when I was mired in the fog.  The next person you date may not be "the one" either but you will know it sooner and have the confidence to hold out for the best fit.   So, though we will never meet, I am here and real and admiring you, walking the planet wherever you are.

thank you again truly. I still do feel the pangs of the failed attached, but i think that's because we're social animals! It's weird... i was the one that left, but i feel like I was the one that was dumped. The bullying and the passive-aggresive remarks and wondering what she's up to. I know I shouldn't feel these things and your kindness reminds me that I'm still thinking logically.

i was reading through many posts last night and was triggered. There was a board about if the BPDex ever feels remorse (they don't), and it really got to me. I ended up having a nightmare and this morning I feel so bad. In previous relationships, the closure and peace came from both ends... I know this time I have to find it within myself and boy is it difficult. I wish to be as reflective and at peace with myself as you are someday!

thanks again for sharing your kindness have a great day

[thefixermom]

Your wound from this relationship is still very fresh and raw.  Give it time. It *will* heal. Perhaps The Universe decided it was time for you to experience a different kind of relationship ending, one that convicts you to build inner strength and resolve.  Imagine the lessons that will come from this and one day, after you've made it to the other side and are feeling your wholeness again, you will be able to encourage and help another through it.  Yes, it sure is difficult and nothing can take away the time it takes. Lots of things can make it take longer to heal (various numbing  habits like drinking, etc), but it needs the time it needs because it is doing a great work inside you.

[rotiroti]

Your wound from this relationship is still very fresh and raw.  Give it time. It *will* heal. Perhaps The Universe decided it was time for you to experience a different kind of relationship ending, one that convicts you to build inner strength and resolve.  Imagine the lessons that will come from this and one day, after you've made it to the other side and are feeling your wholeness again, you will be able to encourage and help another through it.  Yes, it sure is difficult and nothing can take away the time it takes. Lots of things can make it take longer to heal (various numbing  habits like drinking, etc), but it needs the time it needs because it is doing a great work inside you.

! I've already thought about silverlinings from this whole ordeal. It hurts, but at the same time I know I've learned an invaluable lesson like you mentioned. And at 30 no less... never too late to learn what people and the world are capable of. The younger me would've definitely looked to the bottle or seethe in anger. It's also a good feeling to know that I don't need crutches. My BPDex and I were splitting a bottle of wine nightly, I thought I was placating things by joining her AND i had started smoking again.

As part of my inner strength I realize i had so much of it growing up. I'm going to find my old me again and incorporate it into my future-self. This weekend I'm going to hang out with dad for father's day. We used to go biking all the time when I was young and what better way to catch up then to hit the trails.

Happy Friday to you thefixermom, I hope you can feel my gratitude reach you!

[thefixermom]

I do feel it... .litterally... .in the form of goosebumps, hehe.

That is so great to go hang out and be with your dad.  Now those are the times you will look back and be so glad you did them.    I love the part about you finding your "old me again and incorporate into my future-self."   You have just changed your future options by multitudes whereas just a few short days ago those options might have been very limited by the choices were making at the time.

I'm going to go ponder on some aspects of my old self, too... .the happy optimistic always smiling creative girl I was.  She still lives inside me.

See you 'round. It's been wonderful sharing this conversation.  I'm so proud of you.  And I wish your ex well, too.  I hope she finds a way off her merry  go 'round and learns to have peace, trust, and be trusted.

XOXO,

[rotiroti]

I do feel it... .litterally... .in the form of goosebumps, hehe.

That is so great to go hang out and be with your dad.  Now those are the times you will look back and be so glad you did them.    I love the part about you finding your "old me again and incorporate into my future-self."   You have just changed your future options by multitudes whereas just a few short days ago those options might have been very limited by the choices were making at the time.

I'm going to go ponder on some aspects of my old self, too... .the happy optimistic always smiling creative girl I was.  She still lives inside me.

See you 'round. It's been wonderful sharing this conversation.  I'm so proud of you.  And I wish your ex well, too.  I hope she finds a way off her merry  go 'round and learns to have peace, trust, and be trusted.

XOXO,

lolol thank you again! It's a beautiful summer day. I attended a language class (Spanish) that I always wanted to take and it was incredibly rewarding. I wanted to respond on the last paragraph that you wrote  -- that you also wished my ex well too. Powerful statement, i was trying to make sense of what i was feeling. I noticed that it's shifting from pity and hate to... .wishing her the best. It comes with conversations like these and reading about the disease!

I confirmed with dad that we're going for a ride tomorrow.

Thefixermom, thank you again for helping me feel like myself again. Glad to know there are people like you life'ing on with me