Tell me NOT to cave

[Secretlygoingmad]

I am a married woman and have had an affair with a person who i now realise is BPD. My husband and I both strayed, at some point realizing maybe our marriage was over. His relationship ended, mine however went on. Now, after more abuse than i ever thought i could bear, I have decided to end it. Im scared, im worrried my lover will send explicit photos to my children as he has threatened, he has threatened suicide... .he has nothing else, only me. No job, no interests, no money. I was his lifeline for 2 years. The moment i knew i HAD to do something was 2 days ago... When i made him so angry, that he made me get down on my knees and slap myself in the face! Via video none the less!WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? please help... im not crazy, i just feel bad i cant help thinking hes gona hurt himself and i will be to blame but i cant take the daily abuse, accusations of infidelity, hourly phone checks, who is watching you? What men talk to you at work? Show me on video who is there... .its just madness i must stay away

[vortex of confusion]

 

That sounds very scary!

I am going to ask a few questions to get a better idea of what is going on.

Does your husband know what is going on? If not, why haven't you told him? I think it would be a good idea to let your husband know (unless you think that would complicate things).

Second, do you have proof that he said those things? Do you have a text or an e-mail where he threatened to send explicit materials to your kids? If so, keep it! Print it out forward it to your husband or do whatever you can to start creating a paper trail of the stuff that he is saying. If you have proof of the threat to send explicit materials to your kids, then you can take that to the police.

The only thing that is wrong with you is that you are in an abusive situation with somebody that is clearly very, very good at manipulation and mind games.

And, you can see if there are any domestic violence resources in your area. You need to take a stand to protect yourself and your kids. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids!

You can check out the lessons to the right as well. There is a lesson that is specifically for Dealing with domestic violence: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

[Secretlygoingmad]

Thankk you for your reply. I told my husband last feb of the relationship and the abuse, and he was supportive, angry but he warned me stsy awsy ir its over. Unfortunately i did not end it. And im scared if i tell my husband that im still in contact he will leave me. This fact is also used against me as my "lover" blackmails me saying i will prove to him that we are still in touch, i will prove to him that your a W**** etc. this person is in another country... i cannot understand how he has this hold on me from thousands of miles away... but he does. He plays on my guilt, my compassion, my fear. I knw if he sends pics etc to my husband or our kids it can be traced by the ip address. But the damage will have been done. Im dealing with a much younger, loser personality with no job no money nothing to lose, and that scares me. I feel horrible that i have abandoned him, 3rd day no contact... im struggling... Knowing hes devastated going mad, but i know if i reach out it will start again... I dont want my life like this anymore! I want to focus on my home, marriage, family. I cant even be intimate with my husband i feel like im cheating. This person is so abusive, degrading, thretening... and blames me later for his abuse. Typical "you make me do this" "just love mee" i cant go out... hes wants me in my house on skyp from the time i waje to the time my husbamd comes home. If i go to work he wants to see on video who is around me... .my clothes, makeup. He askes me if im intimate with my husband. He calls me HIS wife... i canot believe what i have gotten myself into. I feel sorry for him and tjis keeps pulling me back in... .

[vortex of confusion]

I would recommend that you go to a women's resource center to get some assistance. It sounds like this other guy has a firm grip on you.

You say that he is in another country. If you were to block him on everything, what could he do to you?

Do you think that he would really send stuff to your kids?

Have you ever seen the other guy in person or has it been a long distance relationship via Skype, etc."

Have you thought of telling the guy to eff off and then cut contact?

I see that you have posted on the staying board. Are you wanting to stay with your husband and get away from your lover? Or, are you trying to figure out how to stay with your lover? It doesn't sound like that but I wanted to be sure.

[Secretlygoingmad]

I want to get away! I have cut contact 3 days now, blocked him of course but hes resourceful... He creates fake accounts to watch me... even fake acounts with my pics... thretening me that he will friend requedt friends, family and acquaintances... .I stayed not because i love him but because i fear what he will do if i leave him. I dont want to destroy my husband, my family. But it seems hopeless. Hes quite now but im waiting fir the flurry of calls... .The storm is building i fear.

[vortex of confusion]

What he is doing to you is cyber stalking and cyber bullying. What country are you in and what country is he in? I would think that there are harassment laws. If he is creating fake accounts and threatening you, he could get in some trouble over that.

Don't let him scare you into silence. The only way that you will be able to keep others from finding out about this is for it to quietly go away. It doesn't sound like he is going to let it quietly go away.

 

[Secretlygoingmad]

Im in the US he is in India... i was living there for 2 years so yes we have met. When i was in india i was forced to meet him everyday, regardless of the risk if being seen publickly and causing such embaressment to my husband. He was relentless... Folliwing us on night outs... Calling me telling me go home now ir im coming inside to confront you... .2 years im suffering 2 years theretened... .now tgat im back in the US i thought i could easily slowly lose touch, shiw him its time to move on... But tgats not happening and in his mind we will be together... Even after i have REPEADEDLY told him i will never leave my husband and kids. Its like hes living in a fantasy not realizing reality. It was a lovely story, life changes, people move on. Im sorry to hurt him, but i sat online on skyp with a gun to my head 4 days ago begging him to stop torturing me. This is insane! Im a world travelled, educated, compassionate woman. I dont even recognize myself! I must stay away, ignor, but these gulit feelings are coming, im worried about him as a human, not as a person i love.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry for all that you have been through. Fear, obligation, and guilt are commonly experienced in relationships with people with BPD.

The following links have information on ending relationships that you might find useful:

https://bpdfamily.org/2012/06/why-breaking-up-is-hard-to-do.html?m=1

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[Mutt]

Hey Secretlygoingmad,



I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I can understand how scary this is.

Where you in India with your H for work or you went to India to meet your bf and were there for 2 years?

My husband and I both strayed, at some point realizing maybe our marriage was over.

As I understand the quote above your H strayed? Does that mean he had an affair? Or, you were seperated and took a break? If so, do you think H would understand if you told him?

[Secretlygoingmad]

I was there with H for his work... he also had an affair... we both admitted to our mistake, he ended it, i was stuck... thougjt i could end it as friends. Obviously i was wrong.

[Mutt]

I can understand the emotional attachment. I see two options and they both may be difficult. You have a choice to talk to your H and the other option is the suffering drags on.

Are you worried about how H is going to react?

You both admitted to your mistakes and he has displayed forgiveness.