Going backwards. Day 75 NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't know what is wrong with me. Day 75 NC and I'm going backward not forward. How can I not matter, how can someone not miss me or have any memories. 14 years.  It's not fair. I was so sick this year, I almost died. Why did I deserve this?

[Beach_Babe]

I don't know what is wrong with me. Day 75 NC and I'm going backward not forward. How can I not matter, how can someone not miss me or have any memories. 14 years.  It's not fair. I was so sick this year, I almost died. Why did I deserve this?

[jalen]

its ok beach babe i do the same at times im well, even improving myself personally better than before even the r/s, then at times worse off i think its our way of trying to hold onto this person as we truly did love them. for me anyway thats what i think

[Beach_Babe]

How long NC for you?

[jalen]

90 give or take, i don't think i will talk to this person again so much love and pain at the same time, that part kills me. we were so close and wont talk ever again

[WhatJustHappened?]

... .because he or she is not capable either by choice or by illness. When we talk about life, IMO, it's just random chaos and often not fair sorry to say. We just have to do our best to deal with it.

How are you feeling now? Have you considered some therapy for the ex part?

Hang in there Beach_Babe.

[FannyB]

Hi Beach

You almost certainly did not deserve this crap - but sometimes bad things happen to good people.  :'(

My question is though, do you think YOU deserve someone better than him in your life, and if so, what are you gonna have to change to find them?


Fanny

[Beach_Babe]

Jalen: twhy do you think you won't talk again? How did she end things?

WJH: I'm feeling ok, thank you for asking =)  I do see a therapist and honestly was doing well until his friends made contact. That set me back for sure. It's just such a tough realization; someone I loved so much did not care if I lived or died. Why do I miss someone who abandoned me when I was sick ?  The first 13 years really were good ones that's why this is so hard.

FannyB: yes and I have no idea as of yet. I know something has to change though. How are you today?

[FannyB]

I'm doing fine Beach. I'm now back in the state I was before I met her - happy in my own company and focusing on being a good dad. Might not have recovered so well without that distraction though! The detox process is a weird thing  - just takes longer for some than others. I have accepted the reality that I can't have a happy relationship with my ex - however nice her eyes look with all that eye-liner! 

[valet]

Hey Beach Babe, I'm sorry that you feel this way today!

We have our good days and bad ones, both being a natural part of the grieving process.

Remember to try to keep things in perspective today. Keep your eyes on that future of yours. When I feel sad about things, it helps to take a walk or try and meet up with friends. I know it can be hard, but relief may be waiting just around the corner, perhaps in a place that you didn't expect it.

Why did I deserve this?

Do you think that you deserve to feel this way?

[jalen]

Jalen: why do you think you won't talk again? How did she end things?

she's is my pain, i cant talk to her for even a sec. i cant have any more pain i cant keep crying. i need to close the door. she pretty much disappeared no goodbye. i had texted goodbye wished her the best, love, blessings etc she was evil no closure

[Beach_Babe]

I'm really struggling. Will he hurt me if I break NC?

[valet]

I'm really struggling. Will he hurt me if I break NC?

Hey Beach Babe, what were the negative behaviors that you experienced in the relationship?

[Beach_Babe]

I'm doing fine Beach. I'm now back in the state I was before I met her - happy in my own company and focusing on being a good dad.

That's good to hear! Do you share custody of the children? How do you approach something like this with them? Do they know something is wrong with mom?

Valet:  no one deserves this, but unfortunately it is the reality. Some days are just harder than others to cope. I think thats great you have been able to transition this successfully into a friendship. How have you had to adjust your expectations?

Negative behaviors: temper tantrums, raging, insults/putdowns, character defamation,  being ignored, lied to, cheated on and used. Pretty much the standard.

Jalen: that understandable. That was a pretty cold way for her to end things. Was the end expected, or did it kinda hit you out of nowhere?

[valet]

Beach Babe, that is an absolutely complicated question that I can't provide any real answer for.

If I had to guess though, I would say that it has been pushing myself beyond what I feel and doing what I think is best in the long-term, for both my ex and myself. Enabling, maybe. Harmful to myself, maybe. I don't know, not until that happens. I reserve complete judgement a lot because it isn't fair.

Maybe this is shortsighted, and maybe it will cause me pain, but I have felt this way many times in the passed couple of months and it hasn't happened like I thought it would. I've felt pretty fine with my decisions.

Different people, different stories. That about sums it up. There are lots of truths that I was once obsessed with, and lots that I will never know, but there is no point in pondering over a question that you will never get an answer for.

You seem to have experienced the more extreme BPD behavioral cycle. I didn't, as far as I am aware of. Maybe that uncertainty has made things easier for me, but I often wish that I knew the whole truth. If I knew everything it would have made it a lot easier for me to move on originally, and also to build a friendship despite any breaches of trust. It would have been more 'normal'.

To me, when a romantic partnership ends, it is over. Of course the attachment lingers for reasons, but the attachment doesn't have to define your boundaries, and it especially doesn't have to effect your future relationships in a significant way.

In any case, I have to accept that my intuition in the past should't effect my healing now. It is irrelevant. Maybe this is denial, or maybe it is something else. But now I know what to avoid in a relationship, and definitely what to look for, despite what happens after it begins to fall apart.

In your case I would recommend focusing on the present. Keep your own path. Do what you feel you must do.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm really struggling. Will he hurt me if I break NC?

There's no way to tell, but there are countless stories here of folks who did start to communicate with their exes, for a variety of reasons, a desire for closure, to try and have a 'friendship', to start another relationship, and it pretty much invariably turns out badly.  The larger issue is why would we want to continue some version of communication or a relationship with someone who abused and disrespected us?

You're right Beach.  We are either moving forwards with our detachment or we're moving backwards, or maybe stuck.  It's not really helping to keep counting the days, although I realize it's relatively early after a long relationship.  One choice might be to do something radically different to jolt you out of your routine, or at the least, start shifting the focus to the future and develop a vision for your life that is empowering and doesn't include him.  Otherwise you will continue to stew, I know that feeling and it isn't fun.  Take care of you!