Why do they appear so happy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am curious if anyone else has experienced a similar situation? My dBPDso stopped any kind of communication with me almost 4 months ago after a 4 year relationship. He would not communicate with me other than on Facebook where he would post all his activities and events and other interactions with family, friends, fellow workers.

The post have been deliberate to inform me of how much fun he's having, how free he feels. He post things from locations that we frequented and had significance to us all th while raging if I were to even mention going somewhere we frequented with someone else.

All the while, I've been painted black to the point of humiliation, devaluation and eradication.

It is taking a tremendous toll on me realizing I am not even worth an explanation. I'm at my wits end and wonder if he really is enjoying himself as much as he portrays on FB. Anyone that has advise or has experienced a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you.

[draptemp]

I am curious if anyone else has experienced a similar situation? My dBPDso stopped any kind of communication with me almost 4 months ago after a 4 year relationship. He would not communicate with me other than on Facebook where he would post all his activities and events and other interactions with family, friends, fellow workers.

The post have been deliberate to inform me of how much fun he's having, how free he feels. He post things from locations that we frequented and had significance to us all th while raging if I were to even mention going somewhere we frequented with someone else.

All the while, I've been painted black to the point of humiliation, devaluation and eradication.

It is taking a tremendous toll on me realizing I am not even worth an explanation. I'm at my wits end and wonder if he really is enjoying himself as much as he portrays on FB. Anyone that has advise or has experienced a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you.

[enlighten me]

No theyre not as happy as they appear. No one on facebook is.

My advice block him and go no contact.

Im still fb friends with my exgf but only because I have a son with her. Its the only method that she will communicate with me when im away. I find it interesting watching her behaviour. At first it was triggering but now i find it funny. If you dont have any ties then walking away is the quickest and less painful way of getting over it.

[JRT]

Mine blocked me so I don't know if she is acting the part on her social media, but in general: social media is what the poster WANTS people to see and know about them - it is nothing more than a propaganda machine. Yours is thinking about you and is likely angry, hurt, confused pissed because you did what you did (whatever their disordered thinking accuses you of); they are NOT happy. The fact that they are disseminating propaganda designed to convince you and only you of their well being (and maybe themselves) in and of itself is confirmation that there are thinking of you and want to show you how how much they 'don't need you' and are 'happier without you' in their life.

pwBPD NEED you and are NOT happy that you are no longer a part of your life.

[sbr1050]

It is taking a tremendous toll on me realizing I am not even worth an explanation. I'm at my wits end and wonder if he really is enjoying himself as much as he portrays on FB. Anyone that has advise or has experienced a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you.

My 62 year old uBPDexbf is not on FB but his new bride, a 23 year old, is and while I know I shouldn't, I do check her page from time to time.  She has most of her stuff blocked to me (public view) but I noticed she does post things that she probably knows I am seeing. Maybe it is even done for my benefit, I don't know.   I have no doubt that he has painted me black - I can only imagine what he has told her.  For example, when they got married a few weeks, it said she posted over 25 photos.  The only ones visible to me were those of my ex's children (two of which I helped raise) and him.  While not a big wedding, I know there were other people there.  The other day there was a video posted, by her, of my ex, titled "Adorable".  I try to laugh it off but on those low days, it gets to me for the same, exact reasons as you stated.

I noticed recently that she deleted her FB account and a couple days later created a brand new one.  Far, far fewer friends.  I can't help but wonder if people have critiqued the r/s to her and she did away with them.  Why else would you eliminate all your teeny-bopper friends?

Anyways, everyone (well, everyone NORMAL, that is... .and you'd be surprised how many people think nothing of this situation!) and my therapist all say the same thing: "this r/s ain't gonna last".  I guess I am waiting for that moment.  It's gonna be sweet!  Won't change my path but at least there will be some additional proof for me in knowing my ex is a very mentally disordered person... .

[ShadowIntheNight]

Mine blocked me so I don't know if she is acting the part on her social media, but in general: social media is what the poster WANTS people to see and know about them - it is nothing more than a propaganda machine. Yours is thinking about you and is likely angry, hurt, confused pissed because you did what you did (whatever their disordered thinking accuses you of); they are NOT happy. The fact that they are disseminating propaganda designed to convince you and only you of their well being (and maybe themselves) in and of itself is confirmation that there are thinking of you and want to show you how how much they 'don't need you' and are 'happier without you' in their life.

pwBPD NEED you and are NOT happy that you are no longer a part of your life.

Funny you say this JRT. I was talking to a friend of mine tonight who is working toward getting her LPC (licensed professional counselor, exactly what my ex is) and I asked her, do you think it bothers my ex that I haven't tried to contact her or chase her in all of this time. Her response. "Oh yes, it pisses her off badly."

I asked another friend later what she thought of this and she said, well she's a narcissit and possibly BPD, there's no doubt it ticks her off.

So this has made my day thinking that she's off pretending like her world is sunshine and lollipops, when deep down she is royally ticked that her exgf of 10 years hasn't taken a step toward getting her back. I can see that being ego-crushing and confess to having taken great delight in learning that I may have done that to her.

Your answer is spot on.

[JRT]

Thank you Shadow... .what an interesting thing that your friend had said... .I am beginning to think this very thing about my ex: that it was a expectation that I pursue her... .as you know, defying real legal threats by her and such... .does this change your outlook at all or motivate you towards action of any kind? I want closure so it does tug me in the direction of contacting her.

[Aussie0zborn]

It is taking a tremendous toll on me realizing I am not even worth an explanation. I'm at my wits end and wonder if he really is enjoying himself as much as he portrays on FB.

You are worth a whole lot more - don't worry about that. I felt the same way as you until I  realised they do that to intentionally hurt us.

They can portray whatever they want on FB. Do you ever see anyone on FB say, "today, I accidentally soiled myself at the office when I thought I was only going to fart"? and post a photo of themselves in soiled pants with horrified co-workers in the background? No.  So they don't post that kind of stuff - they only post what they know will hurt you. Best solution while you're working on de-toxing and healing, is to avoid FB and maintain strict "No Contact".

Just remember, your ex is not going to do anything to help you heal. Anything he said to you and promised you will now be proven to have been a lie. It's all part of the devaluation process and is designed to hurt you. You might think about stepping out of the line if fire by avoiding FB or simply blocking him. Good luck.

[californiamomof3]

no they are filled with self-hate.  my husband (well we are separated actually) is the same way.   they really are very insecure people but try to project a whole other personality to others.  this is why you can't relate - you and I don't have the mindset they do.   be glad.   i wouldn't want to live that way for anything. 

[Dutched]

Because I want my ex to feel miserable by making her believe that I'm happy and better off without her whether I am or I'm not?

Not to offend, but what if the ex expressed on that FB their grieve because of?

How would it make you feel then?  

But be reassured in a sense.

PwBPD suppresses emotions ín order to avoid all that pain, 'they  m u s t  cut you out, as the pain of losing the one 'they' love the most hurts so much more. Remains 1 option, switch emotions of and move on…

Switch emotions off… the core was not completed, so there is no healthy way to process the feelings of losing a loved one, to grieve. Just not to process as we do.

Do pwBPD suffer? Yes, absolutely, though pwBPD don’t want other to see their always present inner turmoil, so pwBPD show us their 'successes'… (a make believe world, Disney perfect) a complete make over of their appearances, cloths, color of hair, FB postings, having a wonderful time, and most profound with the next one, their soother it is again … 'finally found the love I always longed for', 'the best ever happened to me'… again…  

[EaglesJuju]

Do pwBPD suffer? Yes, absolutely, though pwBPD don’t want other to see their always present inner turmoil, so pwBPD show us their 'successes'  

This is great insight... .

My bf has told me that is easier to talk to people that he does not know, because he can put up a fake front and pretend everything is great.

For a pwBPD is easier living the "lie," rather than facing problems and showing who they really are.

[Dutched]

Do pwBPD suffer? Yes, absolutely, though pwBPD don’t want other to see their always present inner turmoil, so pwBPD show us their 'successes'  

This is great insight... .

My bf has told me that is easier to talk to people that he does not know, because he can put up a fake front and pretend everything is great.

For a pwBPD is easier living the "lie," rather than facing problems and showing who they really are.

Indeed! exHFw was well thought of in the community, had a lot of people she knew.

To be honest with ourselves too, the (ex)partner was/is joyful, loving, social, sweet, respected, etc.

The recurring (typically) pattern however was that after a while a certain friendship was perceived, despite they just interacted out of mutual social activities. Once perceived, the exw began to share more personal matters. In fact seemingly very normal human behaviour, however once others shared too, exw felt an urge to get closer until the point they became too close. Result was minimizing contact and seeking others.

The idealisation, devaluation. 

Exw dumped at teen age her best gf, since exw has no one as a real friend. 

Profound maybe that when exw left after te break up, every one, except for really a few were, were dumped also, they knew too much

[SummerStorm]

Yes, mine drops relationships and friendships as soon as the other person knows too much.  Our affair ended over a month ago, but we remained friends, and I was even in contact with her boyfriend (a messed up situation, I know).  She completely cut me off a week ago, not long after she was diagnosed.  As soon as she was diagnosed, she told me to research it, and I did.  I don't think she expected me to spend hours researching it and taking notes on it.  As soon as she came home from the hospital, she barely talked to me at all and then would get mad at me when I texted her because she said I was causing her anxiety by being too clingy and nagging about everything.  All I was trying to do was have an adult conversation about things she had lied to me about, but she was clearly incapable of having those conversations.  She can give all kinds of excuses for why she cut me out of her life, but I guarantee it's because she realized I was figuring out everything.  Recently, she told her boyfriend to stop communicating with me, but he didn't listen to her.  She hasn't said anything bad about me, mostly because it might give too much away, and her biggest concern since I started communicating with him when she was in the hospital is that I will tell him that she cheated on him with me.  I would guess her second concern is that I will tell him too much about her disorder (the poor guy seems completely clueless) and he will figure out everything and leave her. 

Her boyfriend has over 800 friends on Facebook (yes, I know that social media is not an indicator of actual friendships), but she has none.  A few months ago, she was supposed to meet a friend from college for dinner, and she canceled.  Before she moved in with her boyfriend, she was living with a pregnant former co-worker and the co-worker's boyfriend.  This was after her stepmom and dad kicked her out.  In March, when she needed a new place to live, the only options she had were me (friends for two months) and her boyfriend (dating for one month).  He and I both said no at the time, and I kept saying no.  Unfortunately, after three months, he caved, and now he's stuck with her. 

[Herodias]

They can portray whatever they want on FB. Do you ever see anyone on FB say, "today, I accidentally soiled myself at the office when I thought I was only going to fart"? and post a photo of themselves in soiled pants with horrified co-workers in the background? No.  So they don't post that kind of stuff - they only post what they know will hurt you. Best solution while you're working on de-toxing and healing, is to avoid FB and maintain strict "No Contact".

I LOVE THIS COMMENT! IT IS SO TRUE!

My husbands gf is posting so much ridiculous stuff , that I am almost thinking that she is BPD... .something anyway! It's really hilarious and He looked miserable in the last picture! I hope you are right about the being mad you aren't chasing, because I always ran these women off before it went to far. Now he is stuck with this one who is "in love" with him! All her doing- not his at all! He only posted the picture of the two of them as his profile pic after he got mad at me. He had originally pulled his account when I told him he should be embarrassed of it. None of his family or true friends are even liking or commenting on anything she tags him in. It is so revolting how she is fussing over every last thing he does... .oh he cut the grass... .he should get an award she says! She thinks her relationship was formed in Gods timing... .well, she left her husband for a married man and she thinks this is Gods doing? I don't think so!

[draptemp]

Thank you to ALL those who have responded to my post. While I know everything each of you say is absolutely true and when I'm reading and contemplating the known facts and truth of this incideous disease; I am strong. However, the daily routine of ruminating makes me weak and devalued.

I read something the other day which reintegrated the general consensus of what all of you have shared; "the way to get their attention is to stop giving them so much of yours"

I'm trying!

[Circle]

Funny you say this JRT. I was talking to a friend of mine tonight who is working toward getting her LPC (licensed professional counselor, exactly what my ex is) and I asked her, do you think it bothers my ex that I haven't tried to contact her or chase her in all of this time. Her response. "Oh yes, it pisses her off badly."

I asked another friend later what she thought of this and she said, well she's a narcissit and possibly BPD, there's no doubt it ticks her off.

So this has made my day thinking that she's off pretending like her world is sunshine and lollipops, when deep down she is royally ticked that her exgf of 10 years hasn't taken a step toward getting her back. I can see that being ego-crushing and confess to having taken great delight in learning that I may have done that to her.

Your answer is spot on.

This made me smile. Thanks!