Vacation

[Eco]

We leave tomorrow for our vacation and my ex has started her fear campaign early. My ex said im not thinking of my daughters emotional needs if I keep her away the whole week

It never works but I tried using S.E.T. for the heck of it but my ex cant even see when others try and empathize with her. I told her that I understand it must be hard to be away from our daughter for a whole week, our daughter feels very safe and comfortable with me but I will be mindful of our daughters emotional state and if she gets upset I will let her call. My exs response was " you're confused with feeling safe and emotional needs they are different" I explained that feeling safe is a emotional need in my opinion.

I will be on pins and needles until I get my daughter tomorrow morning, if you guys don't hear from me that means I was able to get my daughter with no problems and I will update when I get back in town

[Matt]

It took me years, but I learned not to talk to my ex.

E-mail is best, because it leaves a paper trail.  (Actually, not communicating with her at all is best, when I can manage it.)  3 sentences or less - just the facts.

Phone is next best - very brief and to the point.  Hang up if she goes off the topic or speaks to me inappropriately.

Face-to-face is very hard to manage and almost never necessary.  Big risks.

[Turkish]

Nothing valid about her response. Don't validate the invalid. Your daughter may ask for mommy, but she is old enough to say, "call Mommy." If she doesn't, don't offer, just validate, "I know you miss Mommy and you'll see her in X days, ok?" It may be tough, but resist accepting calls. A text picture of D having a good time would be kind though. It depends on how you think it might trigger her.

[Eco]

It took me years, but I learned not to talk to my ex.

E-mail is best, because it leaves a paper trail.  (Actually, not communicating with her at all is best, when I can manage it.)  3 sentences or less - just the facts.

Phone is next best - very brief and to the point.  Hang up if she goes off the topic or speaks to me inappropriately.

Face-to-face is very hard to manage and almost never necessary.  Big risks

I only communicate through text or email now, no face to face or on the phone as both of those lead to abuse by her

Nothing valid about her response. Don't validate the invalid. Your daughter may ask for mommy, but she is old enough to say, "call Mommy." If she doesn't, don't offer, just validate, "I know you miss Mommy and you'll see her in X days, ok?" It may be tough, but resist accepting calls. A text picture of D having a good time would be kind though. It depends on how you think it might trigger her

Very true I kind of jaded on that one. I risk having my ex say I was rubbing it in if I sent her a pic. good idea though its to bad I cant do that

[bravhart1]

We used to send pics of kiddo to mom to help ease her stress, she twisted every one of them into something else to use in court. All lies of course but the point is this: the old saying " no good deed goes unpunished" must have come from someone with an ex with BPD.

You enjoy your vacation ECO, and don't give the emotional vampire another thought. It's a vacation away from her and all this stress. Enjoy your daughter and lose yourself in the pure calm and control that you will have for a week, it's gonna fly by, don't let her rob you of one moment.

[Turkish]

Glad you realized that you kind of JADEed on that one. Its hard not to sometimes. The pics can backfire. I took the kids to a train museum in town today. I don't know why I did it maybe because she usually does and I rarely reciprocate), but I sent her a MMS of S5 watching the model trains: "S5 died and went to heaven." She didn't bother looking at the pic first, but called me right away. She thought I was being literal.  

Note to self: there's nothing wrong with being kind, but realize what I'm dealing with underneath it all. Keep those boundaries for your sake, and that of your daughter.

[Eco]

Hey everyone This was the BEST vacation I have ever had

I had such a great time with my daughter ,my son ,my sister ,and my mom. we went to the beach and the condo had its own water park, MY daughter really opened up to me and my family. Ive never doubted that my daughter loves me or my family but she has never said it back to me or my family when we tell her we love her, Ive always felt she just didnt feel free to voice that but when we arrived at the beach she was whispering it to me out of the blue then a few days later she was telling all of us very confidently. My daughter was so calm and relaxed and had so much fun, she never asked for her mom at all.

Of course my ex was in full tilt when I brought my daughter back today, she expected me to bring my daughter back early in the week because my daughter would be so traumatized from being away from her mom .

As expected the drama started a few hrs ago, I got a text asking if my daughter fell and bruised her head. My daughter scratched her forehead yesterday on a bush she ran into and my ex turned it into a massive head wound and bruise. then I got another text with a pic of my daughters bottom lip showing a canker sore, my ex was frantic saying I gave my daughter herpes from kissing her. I explained that my daughter bit her lip eating twice during the week and that it was a canker sore, she then wanted to know why I didn't call her when she bit her lip  my answer was " why should I contact you if she bites her lip?" I haven't heard from her since .  I get my daughter next sunday for my second week of vacation so my ex must be really freaking about that.

I was surprised by my daughters courage at the water park because she was going down the waterslides with me and kept saying " again again" these  slides were 4 stories high and very fast.  Kids could ride in adults laps because the end of the slide was not deep water and safe.

We used to send pics of kiddo to mom to help ease her stress, she twisted every one of them into something else to use in court. All lies of course but the point is this: the old saying " no good deed goes unpunished" must have come from someone with an ex with BPD.

You enjoy your vacation ECO, and don't give the emotional vampire another thought. It's a vacation away from her and all this stress. Enjoy your daughter and lose yourself in the pure calm and control that you will have for a week, it's gonna fly by, don't let her rob you of one moment. Doing the right thing

Very true, Thanks I did. I was so great to have a whole week without drama and so nice to see my daughter feel so free

Glad you realized that you kind of JADEed on that one. Its hard not to sometimes. The pics can backfire. I took the kids to a train museum in town today. I don't know why I did it maybe because she usually does and I rarely reciprocate), but I sent her a MMS of S5 watching the model trains: "S5 died and went to heaven." She didn't bother looking at the pic first, but called me right away. She thought I was being literal.  rolleyes

Note to self: there's nothing wrong with being kind, but realize what I'm dealing with underneath it all. Keep those boundaries for your sake, and that of your daughter

Thanks that gave me a chuckle about the died and went to heaven, My ex has no sense of humor at all either

[Turkish]

Great story, Eco. Herpes... .oh boy.

Validate the valid. Invalidate the invalid. Rinse. Repeat 

[bravhart1]

I'm so happy to hear you had a great time and that you really bonded.

Of course the flip side of it is that the ex will be working overtime to undo it. But the best advice ( that I don't always take myself :'() is to just let it go and keep doing what you are doing.

We are trying to change a few things here at home this week to keep mom ( in spirit) out of our lives and home. And I hope it works. I'll let you know if it's successful.

There are going to be set back along the way, I guess I wasn't prepared for that. Maybe through the sharing of our experiences here on the board we can help the next generation of parents on down the line... .

[kells76]

Hi Eco,

Even though I don't know you well (yet), congrats on a good vacation. Your story made me think about how one of the blessings, I guess, of dealing with these tough situations is the immense gratitude at seeing the kids just be kids. When H and I see the kids being goofy and free with their friends, the gratefulness I feel is pretty deep. And maybe if the situation with their mom weren't so tense and disordered, I would take seeing those times for granted.

Anyway, thanks for sharing; it definitely is a good reminder to not just focus on the bad stuff.

[Eco]

Of course the flip side of it is that the ex will be working overtime to undo it. But the best advice ( that I don't always take myself cry) is to just let it go and keep doing what you are doing.

Great advice, and very true its hard to follow sometimes.

We are trying to change a few things here at home this week to keep mom ( in spirit) out of our lives and home. And I hope it works. I'll let you know if it's successful.

keep us posted

Anyway, thanks for sharing; it definitely is a good reminder to not just focus on the bad stuff.

Youre welcome, I have to focus on the good stuff or I would lose my mind

[ForeverDad]

Does your ex use her vacation time?  Would it have worked to remind her that she takes vacations too - where you are away from your daughter for that entire time - and life goes on just fine?

Good that you held to the proper boundaries despite the hyper-vigilance or whatever and continued with your plans.

[kells76]

ForeverDad, IDK if Eco's X is like this, but when I think of how H's XW would respond to your (logical) comparison of vacation time, she would likely say something about how sure, it'd be the same amount of time, but the "dynamics" would be different or the kids are more comfortable with her & stepdad or the kids "aren't emotionally ready" for being away from Mom for that long or... .you get the picture. Logical comparisons are irrelevant to Mom unless they work in her favor... .

[Eco]

Does your ex use her vacation time?  Would it have worked to remind her that she takes vacations too - where you are away from your daughter for that entire time - and life goes on just fine?

Good that you held to the proper boundaries despite the hyper-vigilance or whatever and continued with your plans.

I have but she has double standards my ex is the only one that matters in her mind.

ForeverDad, IDK if Eco's X is like this, but when I think of how H's XW would respond to your (logical) comparison of vacation time, she would likely say something about how sure, it'd be the same amount of time, but the "dynamics" would be different or the kids are more comfortable with her & stepdad or the kids "aren't emotionally ready" for being away from Mom for that long or... .you get the picture. Logical comparisons are irrelevant to Mom unless they work in her favor... .

That's exactly what she said almost word for word, Its always whats in my exs favor as she is the only one that matters in her mind