I can't help but feel guilt that I couldn't have been a better partner.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Don't get me wrong. I know that my partner has BPD.

I've learned all the traits, the behaviours, the cycles, the dysregulation, the ways to deal best.

But I feel like I failed him in so many ways but not acting reflective of that. I loved him, yes, but I was stuck in my own head and retreated there every time there was conflict.

I was watching Tami Green's videos and reading more up on it and it has brought up a lot of guilt in me.

I grew up in a household with an NPD mother who had an even more intensely NPD sister who was my godmother who I saw monthly. JADE-ing has become my most intense defense against the deepest wounds inflicted on me. Chronic attacks on my character and my values whenever I went against the grain. Life became one huge attack for me. I became incapable of handling any criticism with a perfectionist outlook. If I can't do something perfectly, what is the point of doing it. I will just get criticised.

I did go to get mental help, despite my mother then being convinced that I had become schizophrenic or something because 'you had a perfect childhood'. I was surprised to hear that it was recommended I go for psychotherapy and CBT.

The point is, my  whole upbringing left me with a lot of easily triggered buttons. From the moment my pwBPD expressed any criticism, I would instantly go into "I'm being attacked mode" and get very angry and defensive. This has gone on throughout our whole relationship. Me shifting the blame on him for being too 'sensitive' or caring about things that don't really matter.

It has taken me a very long time to see just how deeply I was hurting him with these triggers. They are reactions. They are old-time habits. I've learned how to be validating, but that requires me to be very calm and collected. The moment I'm out of my comfort zone I jump right back into my defensive, 'nothing is my fault' mentality.

And so, he was diagnosed with Borderline officially last week. I told him I'd be supportive. I tried to be as validating as I could, every step that I got. I even realised at one point that his instant criticism of me at times came from somewhere. It's the way he was spoken to when he was younger. He had internalised these trigger reactions the same way that I'd internalised mine.

And part of me feels like I let him down, because I didn't fix my own issues efficiently enough. Because I was not understanding enough to his plight.

Our last confrontation was the evening after I had spent the whole night taking care of him, kind of a matter of life and death, and driving him around to get his car fixed so that he'd be able to drive to and from work the next day. These actions were purely offers on my part. I wasn't expecting any gratitude or anything. I simply chose to help.

Point is, I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the night. Very little patience. And so when he got mad over something, I jumped into JADE-ing. I threw the blame back on him. And being in a similar state of mind to me, very exhausted, he completely withdrew. Deeper than he had in months. He said himself that it's like I'm a completely different person in those moments.

And so I feel like I've failed him throughout this relationship. I feel like I wasn't the sort of person that would be beneficial to him as a BPD. I feel like the constant dysfunctional conflict cycles have erased in everything that was absolutely wonderful about our relationship. More like overshadowed it. We were both on a road to recovery from that. And then it all fell down anyways. He became very disillusioned. Told me that he's happy most of the time when he's about to see me, but then he forgets how much I actually 'suck'.

It was just his anger and disillusionment. Everything in his life is extremely difficult. He wishes at the very least I was a source of comfort. Still. It hurt. A lot.

I reread a text message I got from him the day before his diagnosis.

Not attempting to fix me is probably the best thing you can do. The fact that you simply love me for whatever nutcase I am of the day, is probably the best thing anyone has ever done for me

I'm probably wrong. I did the very best I could with what skills I had. I've been loving and accepting and as validating as I knew how for weeks... .His spiral of that last weekend absolutely exhausted me to the point that I went straight back to old habits. I've done some ridiculous self-work in just a few months but it doesn't get rid of my triggers completely.

He is experiencing a lot of pain and misery and that's not my fault. Hopefully he gets the help he needs.

I miss him.

[misuniadziubek]

Don't get me wrong. I know that my partner has BPD.

I've learned all the traits, the behaviours, the cycles, the dysregulation, the ways to deal best.

But I feel like I failed him in so many ways but not acting reflective of that. I loved him, yes, but I was stuck in my own head and retreated there every time there was conflict.

I was watching Tami Green's videos and reading more up on it and it has brought up a lot of guilt in me.

I grew up in a household with an NPD mother who had an even more intensely NPD sister who was my godmother who I saw monthly. JADE-ing has become my most intense defense against the deepest wounds inflicted on me. Chronic attacks on my character and my values whenever I went against the grain. Life became one huge attack for me. I became incapable of handling any criticism with a perfectionist outlook. If I can't do something perfectly, what is the point of doing it. I will just get criticised.

I did go to get mental help, despite my mother then being convinced that I had become schizophrenic or something because 'you had a perfect childhood'. I was surprised to hear that it was recommended I go for psychotherapy and CBT.

The point is, my  whole upbringing left me with a lot of easily triggered buttons. From the moment my pwBPD expressed any criticism, I would instantly go into "I'm being attacked mode" and get very angry and defensive. This has gone on throughout our whole relationship. Me shifting the blame on him for being too 'sensitive' or caring about things that don't really matter.

It has taken me a very long time to see just how deeply I was hurting him with these triggers. They are reactions. They are old-time habits. I've learned how to be validating, but that requires me to be very calm and collected. The moment I'm out of my comfort zone I jump right back into my defensive, 'nothing is my fault' mentality.

And so, he was diagnosed with Borderline officially last week. I told him I'd be supportive. I tried to be as validating as I could, every step that I got. I even realised at one point that his instant criticism of me at times came from somewhere. It's the way he was spoken to when he was younger. He had internalised these trigger reactions the same way that I'd internalised mine.

And part of me feels like I let him down, because I didn't fix my own issues efficiently enough. Because I was not understanding enough to his plight.

Our last confrontation was the evening after I had spent the whole night taking care of him, kind of a matter of life and death, and driving him around to get his car fixed so that he'd be able to drive to and from work the next day. These actions were purely offers on my part. I wasn't expecting any gratitude or anything. I simply chose to help.

Point is, I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the night. Very little patience. And so when he got mad over something, I jumped into JADE-ing. I threw the blame back on him. And being in a similar state of mind to me, very exhausted, he completely withdrew. Deeper than he had in months. He said himself that it's like I'm a completely different person in those moments.

And so I feel like I've failed him throughout this relationship. I feel like I wasn't the sort of person that would be beneficial to him as a BPD. I feel like the constant dysfunctional conflict cycles have erased in everything that was absolutely wonderful about our relationship. More like overshadowed it. We were both on a road to recovery from that. And then it all fell down anyways. He became very disillusioned. Told me that he's happy most of the time when he's about to see me, but then he forgets how much I actually 'suck'.

It was just his anger and disillusionment. Everything in his life is extremely difficult. He wishes at the very least I was a source of comfort. Still. It hurt. A lot.

I reread a text message I got from him the day before his diagnosis.

Not attempting to fix me is probably the best thing you can do. The fact that you simply love me for whatever nutcase I am of the day, is probably the best thing anyone has ever done for me

I'm probably wrong. I did the very best I could with what skills I had. I've been loving and accepting and as validating as I knew how for weeks... .His spiral of that last weekend absolutely exhausted me to the point that I went straight back to old habits. I've done some ridiculous self-work in just a few months but it doesn't get rid of my triggers completely.

He is experiencing a lot of pain and misery and that's not my fault. Hopefully he gets the help he needs.

I miss him.

[LimboFL]

Mis, I have had many of the thoughts you have had because I too overreacted on numerous occasions in my 4 year relationship with a BPDexgf. I was learning how not to take her insults personally, but they were insults that cut to the heart and were very personal, about my parenting, me and so on.

I read somewhere, likely here that the percentage of people that came from dysfunctional childhoods is very high. We all have our issues.

What I didn't glean from your post was if there were other behaviors, in your relationship that were detrimental. Raging, orbiters, push pull, one foot always out the door and so on. I had it all. Not to the degree of some because my ex was both high functioning and self aware although clearly not interested in going further than her own coping mechanisms. I watched he battle it every day, especially anxiety, which is why I felt such compassion and wanted to be there for her. Yes, I failed and I shut down. My reaction to her insults and bad behavior was to shut down. I would bark and then recoil somewhere away from her.

What you are feeling is deep empathy, which is a stage I went through myself. It is probably the hardest because stage because we do love our partners deeply and this love is only deeper when we feel that they are helpless out there, hurting and broken. We want to be the rock, no matter how much it takes out of us. But something I have been told many times is that they made this far without us, they will survive beyond us. I miss my ex very much but have not been in contact with her for several months, broke up about 6 months ago (hard to believe it has been that long). I worry but again, she survived before me and ultimately she forced my hand. I had to leave because she broke boundaries that I couldn't forgive.

The bottom line, for all of the rumination I have done about my negative reactions and role in the relationship, is that I likely wouldn't have reacted so poorly if there hadn't have been such a build up of negativity thrown at me. We are human beings who want understanding, support and validation. When this only comes, in very small glimmers, while the negativity is almost perpetual, we get exhausted and our emotions send us to areas we don't like to go. On certain fights, I said things to her that I never in a millions would have said to anyone, hurtful things that are so out of character for me, who does everything possible not to hurt people. I am no wall flower but I pick my words very wisely, I will push but not get so personal that it really hurts someone. My ex thought nothing of drilling right into my heart.

We are pushed so hard that it is not out of the norm to react out of character and beyond the boundaries that we would usually never breach. If you believe that you have work to do on your own issues, I can understand this, however while I know your heart aches and you miss him, understand that what you and the rest of us faced is/was complete mental chaos (even if your partner wasn't aggressive). Someone wrote recently that getting out of a relationship with a pwBPD is like going from Times Square in New York, 24/7 365 (noise, traffic, insanity) and in a snap of the fingers you are in a wheat field in Kansas. Soldiers coming back from war is another example.

Do not blame yourself. Yes you and I both could have maybe done better, done more, but we weren't educated but even with the education (which I acquired 4 months in) so much was thrown at me that I just couldn't not adjust fast enough. Finally, and I have said this many times before, on this site. When you experience all of these BPD symptoms but that they are coming from the same person that 30 min ago was sweet calm, loving, it is impossible to compute. It is so hard to digest. If you have been on this site long enough, you will know that many if not all therapists and psychologists are not able to cope and deal with pwBPD. These are people, whose entire careers have been spent studying. It's too visceral, to personal.

Do not blame yourself. I do understand exactly where you are coming from. You are hurting and you genuinely feel a great deal of empathy and caring. That is why you are here, because you are a caretaker, like most of us here. Only you can make the choice as to what comes next but, again, if you have been on this site long enough, no matter how much it hurts and it will for some time to come, you cannot save him, just like I couldn't save my exBPD. The fact that he was just diagnosed make your decision even harder but the diagnosis itself is only going to send him further into it. It is horrible news for anyone.

Do not blame yourself. Hugs

[klacey3]

Mis, I have had many of the thoughts you have had because I too overreacted on numerous occasions in my 4 year relationship with a BPDexgf. I was learning how not to take her insults personally, but they were insults that cut to the heart and were very personal, about my parenting, me and so on.

I read somewhere, likely here that the percentage of people that came from dysfunctional childhoods is very high. We all have our issues.

What I didn't glean from your post was if there were other behaviors, in your relationship that were detrimental. Raging, orbiters, push pull, one foot always out the door and so on. I had it all. Not to the degree of some because my ex was both high functioning and self aware although clearly not interested in going further than her own coping mechanisms. I watched he battle it every day, especially anxiety, which is why I felt such compassion and wanted to be there for her. Yes, I failed and I shut down. My reaction to her insults and bad behavior was to shut down. I would bark and then recoil somewhere away from her.

What you are feeling is deep empathy, which is a stage I went through myself. It is probably the hardest because stage because we do love our partners deeply and this love is only deeper when we feel that they are helpless out there, hurting and broken. We want to be the rock, no matter how much it takes out of us. But something I have been told many times is that they made this far without us, they will survive beyond us. I miss my ex very much but have not been in contact with her for several months, broke up about 6 months ago (hard to believe it has been that long). I worry but again, she survived before me and ultimately she forced my hand. I had to leave because she broke boundaries that I couldn't forgive.

The bottom line, for all of the rumination I have done about my negative reactions and role in the relationship, is that I likely wouldn't have reacted so poorly if there hadn't have been such a build up of negativity thrown at me. We are human beings who want understanding, support and validation. When this only comes, in very small glimmers, while the negativity is almost perpetual, we get exhausted and our emotions send us to areas we don't like to go. On certain fights, I said things to her that I never in a millions would have said to anyone, hurtful things that are so out of character for me, who does everything possible not to hurt people. I am no wall flower but I pick my words very wisely, I will push but not get so personal that it really hurts someone. My ex thought nothing of drilling right into my heart.

We are pushed so hard that it is not out of the norm to react out of character and beyond the boundaries that we would usually never breach. If you believe that you have work to do on your own issues, I can understand this, however while I know your heart aches and you miss him, understand that what you and the rest of us faced is/was complete mental chaos (even if your partner wasn't aggressive). Someone wrote recently that getting out of a relationship with a pwBPD is like going from Times Square in New York, 24/7 365 (noise, traffic, insanity) and in a snap of the fingers you are in a wheat field in Kansas. Soldiers coming back from war is another example.

Do not blame yourself. Yes you and I both could have maybe done better, done more, but we weren't educated but even with the education (which I acquired 4 months in) so much was thrown at me that I just couldn't not adjust fast enough. Finally, and I have said this many times before, on this site. When you experience all of these BPD symptoms but that they are coming from the same person that 30 min ago was sweet calm, loving, it is impossible to compute. It is so hard to digest. If you have been on this site long enough, you will know that many if not all therapists and psychologists are not able to cope and deal with pwBPD. These are people, whose entire careers have been spent studying. It's too visceral, to personal.

Do not blame yourself. I do understand exactly where you are coming from. You are hurting and you genuinely feel a great deal of empathy and caring. That is why you are here, because you are a caretaker, like most of us here. Only you can make the choice as to what comes next but, again, if you have been on this site long enough, no matter how much it hurts and it will for some time to come, you cannot save him, just like I couldn't save my exBPD. The fact that he was just diagnosed make your decision even harder but the diagnosis itself is only going to send him further into it. It is horrible news for anyone.

Do not blame yourself. Hugs

Wow limbo that is a great post. It has given me hope.

I am sorry you feel so low mis, i hope you are feeling better about things now? You can pm me if you like

[LimboFL]

klacey3, thank you for the acknowledgment. There really aren't adequate words to describe the range of emotions we all go through during and after. It's a journey I hope that I never take again.

[Pretty Woman]

Mis,

   I understand. I have been through this many times, having taken her back way more than I ever should have.

Each time it felt unfinished because in our minds, it wasn't.

Persons with BPD are never consistant. The only thing consistant, at least for me has been the boomeranging back.

I noticed each time I was very stressed out she would bolt. It's the abandonment fear. So in other words, you are not allowed to express YOUR feelings.

How fair and how possible is that?

It isn't, Mis. It just isn't.

I was supposed to leave for Mexico with my ex next week. Vacations are HUGE triggers for BPD persons. In fact last year was the 1st vacation we went on and she didn't dump me after... .that is why I felt like we really made progress this year. She even bought a new car, rented a place a mile from me and we got a dog.

Not thinking all THAT might have made her bolt as well.

She has already had sex with my replacement. But I secretly revel in knowing what is going to happen next.

Please don't beat yourself up and when the anxiety kicks in "deep breaths". I've been in this for 3yrs. I am here for you.

[valet]

Hey misuniadziubek, I understand these feelings.

From time to time I have myself, as well.

If we want to look at this situation as objectively as possible, we do have to attribute some of the failures of the relationship to ourselves. We did do unhealthy things. We didn't handle certain situations as well as we could have. We could have been better partner's for our ex's, people that didn't enable them and treated all situations with mindfulness, tact, and intelligence. Yes, this is possible, but when you take a step back it seems pretty darn hard, doesn't it?

We can't compare ourselves to this 'perfect' standard. We make mistakes. We are human, and the systems that we live in are awfully complex and difficult to navigate for even ourselves, not to mention our pwBPD.

Here's what would have happened if you were a better partner: you're relationship might have lasted longer.

That's it. Just longer. And not forever, at least not that healthy forever that we all fantasize about from youth.

Would you be a better partner for your pwBPD now? Probably, yes. But would that fact possibly change who she is? Definitely, no.

[zundertowz]

Alot of people have the same feelings but what I think about is how I treated my ex at the start... .I did everything a loving boyfriend was suppossed to do was loving, treated her kids great, bought her expensive gifts! Took her on vacations, helped her find a great job... .I can look myself in the mirror and say I was a great bf with all the right intentions and from what I was told and saw no one had done any of these things for her before.  Of course none of this was appreciated in the end and she tried to ruin my life.  i didnt sign up for what I got so I did go to dark places with her but thats not what I signed up for.  Where human beings with our own problems not trained mental health profesionals... .i wanted and expected a partner to enjoy life with not a damaged adult child that needed to be taken care off.

[misuniadziubek]

Alot of people have the same feelings but what I think about is how I treated my ex at the start... .I did everything a loving boyfriend was suppossed to do was loving, treated her kids great, bought her expensive gifts! Took her on vacations, helped her find a great job... .I can look myself in the mirror and say I was a great bf with all the right intentions and from what I was told and saw no one had done any of these things for her before.  Of course none of this was appreciated in the end and she tried to ruin my life.  i didnt sign up for what I got so I did go to dark places with her but thats not what I signed up for.  Where human beings with our own problems not trained mental health profesionals... .i wanted and expected a partner to enjoy life with not a damaged adult child that needed to be taken care off.

What it sounds like is... .you did everything you could to prove you were the best boyfriend possible to her, and you expected her to see that, to appreciate it, and for it to motivate her to be an equally wonderful gf. Kind of like, SEE? We should work out, cause I'm awesome.

We all have some undeveloped narcissism in us, mind you. We are all adult children at one point or another. The difference is that pwBPD can't really control their reactions. They have the emotional capacity of a 2yo despite being normally developed in other areas.

[misuniadziubek]

Hey misuniadziubek, I understand these feelings.

From time to time I have myself, as well.

If we want to look at this situation as objectively as possible, we do have to attribute some of the failures of the relationship to ourselves. We did do unhealthy things. We didn't handle certain situations as well as we could have. We could have been better partner's for our ex's, people that didn't enable them and treated all situations with mindfulness, tact, and intelligence. Yes, this is possible, but when you take a step back it seems pretty darn hard, doesn't it?

We can't compare ourselves to this 'perfect' standard. We make mistakes. We are human, and the systems that we live in are awfully complex and difficult to navigate for even ourselves, not to mention our pwBPD.

Here's what would have happened if you were a better partner: you're relationship might have lasted longer.

That's it. Just longer. And not forever, at least not that healthy forever that we all fantasize about from youth.

Would you be a better partner for your pwBPD now? Probably, yes. But would that fact possibly change who she is? Definitely, no.

On the bright side, conversing with him, he doesn't blame for those things. Told me that thus there is no real reason for me to feel bad .

I don't want a fantasy. I want a relationship. I'm aware it takes work and I guess all I can do is keep working on myself until I am someone capable of being a decent partner in a relationship.

[Aussie0zborn]

It's never your fault alone. Until I learned the SET technique I would have to say that I didn't always respond in the best way possible to diffuse horrible situations that would spring up without notice. Prior to that I would take offense to the abusive verbal attacks, taking them personally. It's nothing personal.

Until you know about BPD and how to handle the associated conflict, I don't think anyone feels they handled it correctly. You couldn't reasonably be expected to know so dont beat yourself up over it. Not your fault.