hoping somebody can answer 2 questions in one post

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

ok so for anybody who doesn't know my back story (probably loads of you) . with my udexBPD fiancee for not far off 9 years.went to work one day,came home only to be screamed at and told to leave our family home,mind games,evil twisted stuff posted on social media to hurt me (which it did to some extent). slept together a few times since the split,told me she would always love me,pushed me away again.

Anyway I am about 1 month into proper no contact apart from picking my children up or letting her drop them off with me.

question 1. she tells me she wants to be civil and that kissing me does not feel right so I respect her wishes and take her up on it (I am feeling much much better now than I was at the beginning of the break up). So why does it feel like she is playing games all the time trying to get me to react? which I am not doing.I mean she tells me this is what she wants so I move on with my life focusing entirely on the children and she resorts to anything she can to try and bait me i.e blocking me on whatsapp and facebook yet again but then changing her settings on her whatsapp yesterday which now reads 'taking f-cked up to a whole different level'

question 2 and this has been running through my mind pretty much all day.would it be fair to assume that we as nons tend to put most of the blame on our exes and look at them too much as being disordered.I know my ego took a massive knock when she dumped me so callously but since reflecting on the whole events that took place I now know it wasn't me.I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (nobody is) but the reasons she gave me for ending it were so soo trivial considering the extent she proclaimed her love was for me and how we would be together until death.it seems to me like they are not prepared in the slightest to accept any blame and put it all on us.She has played the victim oh so well and to be quite honest now when I see her I think I can do so much better than her and she has really let herself go,plastering make up on like nobody's business,posting selfies where she has edited the photo so much she looks like ET because she has taken weight off her neck

But the thing is SHE KNOWS she is disordered because she has said it time and time again that she is f-cked up,broken,belongs in a mental asylum but she just wont bring herself to get help and that is what pisses me off the most.She is a coward!

[DestroyedKnight]

ok so for anybody who doesn't know my back story (probably loads of you) . with my udexBPD fiancee for not far off 9 years.went to work one day,came home only to be screamed at and told to leave our family home,mind games,evil twisted stuff posted on social media to hurt me (which it did to some extent). slept together a few times since the split,told me she would always love me,pushed me away again.

Anyway I am about 1 month into proper no contact apart from picking my children up or letting her drop them off with me.

question 1. she tells me she wants to be civil and that kissing me does not feel right so I respect her wishes and take her up on it (I am feeling much much better now than I was at the beginning of the break up). So why does it feel like she is playing games all the time trying to get me to react? which I am not doing.I mean she tells me this is what she wants so I move on with my life focusing entirely on the children and she resorts to anything she can to try and bait me i.e blocking me on whatsapp and facebook yet again but then changing her settings on her whatsapp yesterday which now reads 'taking f-cked up to a whole different level'

question 2 and this has been running through my mind pretty much all day.would it be fair to assume that we as nons tend to put most of the blame on our exes and look at them too much as being disordered.I know my ego took a massive knock when she dumped me so callously but since reflecting on the whole events that took place I now know it wasn't me.I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (nobody is) but the reasons she gave me for ending it were so soo trivial considering the extent she proclaimed her love was for me and how we would be together until death.it seems to me like they are not prepared in the slightest to accept any blame and put it all on us.She has played the victim oh so well and to be quite honest now when I see her I think I can do so much better than her and she has really let herself go,plastering make up on like nobody's business,posting selfies where she has edited the photo so much she looks like ET because she has taken weight off her neck

But the thing is SHE KNOWS she is disordered because she has said it time and time again that she is f-cked up,broken,belongs in a mental asylum but she just wont bring herself to get help and that is what pisses me off the most.She is a coward!

[Sunfl0wer]

#1.  What they say they want... .and what they often actually want, contradict each other... .often.

#2.  Varies.  I actually put more blame on myself.  I often felt "more capable" than he emotionally, therefore holding myself to blame and at a higher standard than he.  I imagine others have the opposite experience... .and some others of us... .are somewhere in between this, or are fluctuating.

[DestroyedKnight]

#1.  What they say they want... .and what they often actually want, contradict each other... .often.

#2.  Varies.  I actually put more blame on myself.  I often felt "more capable" than he emotionally, therefore holding myself to blame and at a higher standard than he.  I imagine others have the opposite experience... .and some others of us... .are somewhere in between this, or are fluctuating.

I can definitely relate to you on that level Sunflower.I am far more capable than she ever will be emotionally.Throughout the whole 8 years or so I would say 'it seemed' like we were on an even keel but I realize now that she was just mirroring me and struggling to keep up.She did in fact say to me not long ago that she had to grow up a hell of a lot when she got with me.Now it seems like I am dealing with a 27 year old trapped in a 3 year olds body,tantrums and huffing and puffing the whole works

[joeramabeme]

DKnight

1) Sunflower said it perfect!

2) I am still in the midst of creating distance from my 2bex but even after a few months of separation I would say that "blame" is probably not the best way to frame what has happened.  In my case, both of us played a significant role.  Of course she blamed me for the end of the marriage, and of course, I accepted - thank you!    

Seriously though, the truth is that she couldn't dance with me if I didn't dance with her.  My old T put it best when she told me; every time your wife plays the crazy music, you get up and dance!  It was true!  

Further the old T asked me the following; of all the times that I tried to change my BP wifes behavior, how many times was I successful?  I instantly blushed feeling foolish because I knew the answer was none, she never did what I wanted based on my reactions.  Of course the logical next question is; so why do you keep doing it?  

Get my drift about the "crazy dance"?  Blame is misleading, it is more like a dance.  Not condoning the music maker, just knowing that I have danced into exhaustion and I can't blame my BPw for that.

You may not be comfortable hearing that, but just something to think about as you ponder your own processing.

Joe

[Lucky Jim]

#1 : Ditto, Sunflower.  Also, pwBPD like to provoke, goad and prod, anything to get a reaction.

#2 : Ditto, Sunflower.  No, I think if anything, we, as Nons, tend to get blamed for everything. Because we are usually caretakers, we tend to shoulder all the blame that the pwBPD transfers.  In my experience, pwBPD will rarely if ever take the blame or responsibility.

LuckyJim