Do I really want to go back to all this sh?

[misuniadziubek]

In 5 days, I'm technically driving up to see my pwBPD for the first time in 30 days.

I've gone through so much pain the last two years. It's been exhausting. I was such an intense codependent and so easily triggered. I absolutely despise looking back on it. I didn't know any of the skills I've learned here. Everything was such a struggle and I was in such a humongous FOG for so long.


Tonight I was driving to Walmart while having my bf on Bluetooth. He was also driving at the time. He almost swerved into something so he said he was going to hang up. I said okay and told him to have a good night. Then I realised he hadn't hung up. I jokingly commented, not even thinking that he was listening anymore, "You should at least hang up :P" and then I pressed end call.

5 minutes later I get a super angry message. "I f**n tell you I almost clipped another car. I'm always where I have to be. I have to focus and you tell ME, the person f**ng driving, to hang up? Seriously?"

It's just like before. It triggers just the most horrible tightening in my chest. A memory of all the cr*p I went through while in this relationship. I kind of accept it. This makes me feel terrible. He doesn't realise I was driving as well. He was frustrated about almost clipping a car and funneled all of it into frustration at me.

I validate him... .somewhat "I'm sorry hon. I realised how dumb that was when I said it, so I hung up. I can imagine it was just a cherry on top after the stress of almost clipping that car was and pushed you pretty far into frustration. I'll try to be more considerate of that."

Sigh. This honestly feels terrible. I really don't know if I want to go back to his random rages. I don't know if I'm really willing to put up with this anymore.

He told me this morning that he's feeling less insecure about the relationship. That he has more faith that things will get better than before. That our meeting mid break kind of scared him.

It's good, but i just don't know. I'm so happy right now. I miss him, of course. But I feel so much stronger these days. I'm scared of falling right back into old habits. Of going back to just being a victim of his mood swings and rages.

Honestly, it's scary.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whitebackatcha]

 

Have you played out what it would be like if you didn't go, even if you didn't permanently call it quits? Sometimes just buying yourself some time to decide things makes all the difference.

It's so hard to know what to do sometimes.

[misuniadziubek]

Have you played out what it would be like if you didn't go, even if you didn't permanently call it quits? Sometimes just buying yourself some time to decide things makes all the difference.

It's so hard to know what to do sometimes.

I don't think that extra time will make much of a difference, we are still in contact. When we were doing NC, time was healing. When we are in contact, it's just a continuation of the relationship and I miss him.

Ironically? Literally two hours after I sent him that text, he calls me up on the phone to ask if I'm okay and to tell me that he loves me very much.

It seems like a pattern. Rage. Validation and/or limit. 2h pass, Calmly calls me up, either explains how he felt or simply asks if I'm okay and tells me how much he cares about me.

This is the third time it's happened like that.

[whitebackatcha]

I don't think that extra time will make much of a difference, we are still in contact. When we were doing NC, time was healing. When we are in contact, it's just a continuation of the relationship and I miss him.

Ironically? Literally two hours after I sent him that text, he calls me up on the phone to ask if I'm okay and to tell me that he loves me very much.

It seems like a pattern. Rage. Validation and/or limit. 2h pass, Calmly calls me up, either explains how he felt or simply asks if I'm okay and tells me how much he cares about me.

This is the third time it's happened like that.

You have the right to do what is right for you. Only you can decide that.

I'm new with this, so I don't want to sound like I know everything. My uBPDgf will talk to me that way, and I've finally decided I can't take it anymore. I know about the validation stuff, but you know, quit being a jerk! I have just started saying something like, "This conversation is hurtful, and I don't feel respected. I would like to hear your feelings when the conversation can be respectful." Then, for me, I tell her to let me know when she wants to talk, that I will take her lead. It had worked so far, but I'm sure it won't at some point, but at least I won't be sitting around being treated like crap, right? All that to say, have you considered something like that, just gently but firmly calling him on his crap?