Do BPD 'always' leave?

[NonBPDEx]

I was the one that ended the relationship after a year. She had always been desperate for my love, so much so that is pushed me away.

She completely broke down when I ended it. But now she is off with my replacement whom she had been grooming; seemingly happy and content.

Unlike others on the forum, she had gone out of her way to be good to my kids. And I feel so sad for them now.

I know she was BPD, and she knew it too. But her 'raging' was never that bad, and was usually provoked by my distancing at her constant questioning of my devotion.

Everyone seems to say that it was good to get out when I did, but right now I feel that it was me that let someone go.

I ended it because I thought that I would never be able to trust her, and that eventually it would end badly. But maybe I am the one with abandonment issues, and I ended up leaving her because of that.

[SummerStorm]

Hi, NonBPDEx.  The worst thing you can do is think that you made the wrong decision.  A few key things you said really stood out to me.  The first is that she is "seemingly happy and content" with your replacement.  The key word here is "seemingly."  My exBPD, who is pretty self-aware, once told me that she feels nothing.  Think of a paint palette.  You and I are able to properly and appropriate experience red, purple, green, blue, yellow, etc. in our lives, depending on the situation.  If red is rage, I rarely feel it, and it's usually in relation to hearing a news story about a child abuser or something like that.  If blue is sadness, I feel it when something happens that should make me sad, like the death of a loved one.  She explained to me that she basically feels gray or nothing at all, like the palette is completely wiped clean.  And when she does experience red or blue, it's out of tune with the situation, such as getting angry when I told her I had work to do and couldn't hang out with her after work. The happiness and love that she is feeling for your replacement are not the same happiness and love that you and I feel.   

The second thing is that you said is that her raging wasn't that bad.  An important thing to remember is that, just because you didn't see it during the year you were with her, doesn't mean it wouldn't have shown up a week later.  I knew mine for almost a year and was intimate with her for over a month before I saw any rage from her at all, and I was able to calm her down pretty quickly.  But then, a few weeks later, she raged at me again and decided to completely cut me off, and I haven't heard from her since.  This was a day after she asked me to go somewhere with her later in the week.  She once told me a story about how she went after an ex with a baseball bat.  At the time, she blamed the ex and said that he had taken naked pictures of her without her consent and that he was picking the lock of her apartment and stalking her.  The only part of that story I believe is that she went after him with the bat.  If I had to guess, he couldn't take it anymore and got in his car to leave, and she went after him. 

The final thing you said that stuck out is that she broke down when you ended the relationship.  Mine was very capable of crying about things and would get upset.  And to her, you were abandoning her, and that's the last thing she wanted.  But at the same time, when we were just friends, I tried to end the friendship because I was dealing with other things in my life and didn't want to involve her, and her response was, "Ok then."  She didn't even ask why or try to get me to reconsider.  I eventually apologized, and we later hugged it out, and that was the point when she completely attached herself to me.  When she needed a place to live, she absolutely begged me to live with her, and she got very upset when I said no.  And if her boyfriend breaks up with her eventually, I'm sure she'll break down, but it will honestly have more to do with the fact that she will have to look for a new place to live and a new person to attach herself to. 

Trust me.  You made the right decision. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I ended it because I thought that I would never be able to trust her, and that eventually it would end badly. But maybe I am the one with abandonment issues, and I ended up leaving her because of that.

I ended it because I thought that I would never be able to trust her, and that eventually it would end badly.

Did you think that you couldn't trust her or feel it?  There are countless stories here of folks who ignored their gut feel and forged ahead anyway, myself included, and our gut feel is never wrong.  I never trusted my ex and when we look at a healthy relationship, what's it based on?  Mutual trust and respect basically; did you have those?  If not, or you wanted them and were trying to talk yourself into accepting what is when your gut was telling you otherwise, then listening to your gut and acting accordingly might have been the right thing to do?

But maybe I am the one with abandonment issues, and I ended up leaving her because of that.

Every human on the planet has 'abandonment issues' to some degree, and getting left hurts, who wants to go through that?  But it's different for borderlines, folks who don't have a fully formed self of their own, when they get left they cease to exist entirely in their own heads, or at least in their subconscious, which causes extreme emotions, which in turn causes extreme behaviors.  Us, we go get drunk with our buddies, cry in our beer, dust ourselves off and get back on the horse.

The whole walking on eggshells experience of being in a relationship with a borderline, the uncertainty and lack of trust, can put us in self preservation mode, leave before this gets any worse and I am definitely not feeling content and at peace, where I would be in the right relationship.  Try this: what are the traits of a healthy relationship?  Can you list 10?  How many of them were met in your relationship, how well does she score, just objectively?

[rotiroti]

Fromheeltoheal:

The whole walking on eggshells experience of being in a relationship with a borderline, the uncertainty and lack of trust, can put us in self preservation mode, leave before this gets any worse and I am definitely not feeling content and at peace, where I would be in the right relationship.  Try this: what are the traits of a healthy relationship?  Can you list 10?  How many of them were met in your relationship, how well does she score, just objectively?




so true it hurts.

[NonBPDEx]

SummerStorm:

Thank you for the thoughtful response, and for the words of encouragement. As for her moods, she would seem quite normal. Very giving - though it did seem at times that the giving was too much - buying things for me and the kids when she could not afford to.

It just seems that she tried very hard to win my love, and the love of my kids. I am having a hard time reconciling that with the fact that it was simply to assuage her fears of abandonment by me.

Her raging, for what it was, always ended up with me recoiling. To her I was sulking, and that got her more mad, and it would escalate from there. Her view was that other couples can get mad at each other without them taking it personally, so why can't I? I would always get over it quickly, but she would hang on to it and eventually shut down for a period of time.

As for her breakdown. I ended it via txt. I was out of the country. She had a plane ticket to join me the next day. She texted me the night before asking me what I don't like about her. I took the high road and said "only that you question my devotion". She answered that she already new that, but to tell her something else. So I did. I told her I did not know if I could count on her.

At that point she lost it and started attacking me. I told her she should not come, and that it was over.

I heard later that she hit the bottle hard that night, and the next day checked herself into AA. I have no reason to doubt that.

fromheeltoheal:

I both thought it and felt it. When I met her, she was in the process of divorce. She had moved out of the family home and had a small place. I heard stories of her ex. Mostly the stories made me feel sad for him. He loved her, and did not want her to leave. I could not help feeling bad for him. It made me wonder if I would have a similar fate.

Also, whenever we were apart for a short time she would become desperate, and not understand why I was not desperate too. I wondered what she would do if I was not around for a while. She groomed her replacement, and I am reasonably certain slept with him before I broke up with her. But of course I question whether she would have done that if I had been less insecure in the relationship myself.

It is funny that she said she was 'always walking on eggshells' with me... .

As for the needs. I am not sure I know 10. I use to tell people that if I rated my perfect partner out of a 100, that my me exBPDgf was a 75. This is where I had a problem as I know there is not perfect partner, so perhaps 75 is pretty good.

Trust and Control were issues. I felt I could not count on her, and I felt she was trying to be controlling.

Thanks for the thoughtful response, it is greatly appreciated. Not sure what I would have done without these forms.

[Kelli Cornett]

Did she cheat on you?

[fromheeltoheal]

Here's a list of traits of healthy relationships 'borrowed' randomly from the net; it can be helpful to consider our relationships with our exes against lists like this to see how well we did:

Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats.

Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority.

Both partners know how to be responsible for own needs and also for the care of the relationship.

Both partners feel “special” to the other. Arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-ups.

Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings, and emotional issues with little or no shame.

There is unconditional love if not unconditional agreement.

The relationship feels good and is nurturing, comfortable, and fun.

Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.

The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.

Both partners can and do keep agreements.

Both partners are honest.

There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional.

Both partners have boundaries:

Each person can say “no” to requests from partner when necessary without feeling guilty and tell their partner when something feels not right or hurts them.

People pleasing is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a “great sacrifice” to stay in the relationship. Each person is able to do their work, attend to their children, care for other aspects of their life without threatening the relationship.

Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears or issues onto the current relationship.

[NonBPDEx]

Did she cheat on you?

Yes, I believe she did (with the guy she is with now), but I did not know this until after I broke up with her. This was while I was away for a month in February, and in her mind, I had abandoned her.

fromheeltoheal

Thanks for the list. I will have to think through each item and clearly think about them. I have to also questions honestly whether I was meeting those traits... .

[Kelli Cornett]

Did she cheat on you?

Yes, I believe she did (with the guy she is with now), but I did not know this until after I broke up with her. This was while I was away for a month in February, and in her mind, I had abandoned her.

fromheeltoheal

Thanks for the list. I will have to think through each item and clearly think about them. I have to also questions honestly whether I was meeting those traits... .

Well maybe maybe she was too needy for you. She would of just left if she was unhappy instead of doing the whole BPD dragging out thing.