Progress toward healing and clarity, though a long time coming

[findingmyselfagain]

It's been almost five years since our b/u. I really didn't think it could possibly ever take this long to get over anything. But I'd never experienced love with an undiagnosed BPD before.

I often wondered if I was in love with her, or if I really did love her. Because the ending was so devastating, I guess it should have been clear now that I did feel something. But I can say now that I did love her and was in love with her. Who wouldn't want a unBPD in the honeymoon phase? I read a lot of my older threads. There's so much wisdom on this board. The nail was hit on the head so many times that I can see it much more clearly now.

It's true that I did love her. But it was more complicated. I have a very compassionate side due to growing up with a Waify, almost BPD mother. I was very comfortable with wanting to comfort and to love someone who seemed to need compassion. I also have a side that cut off my darker emotions because I hated the ones I saw in my mother. And the little ways she mistreated me has given me a fear of safer, less dramatic intimacy.

As for my feelings for my former unBPD love, I don't wish any ill will on her. I can clearly see the hurt that she feels and anxiety. I've heard through the grapevine that all of her relationships since me have been full of drama and have ended. And that they thought the ones before me were EXTREME.

Recognizing all of this helps me, and a part of me now fully accepts that a relationship with her could not last under any circumstances, barring a major breakthrough on her part. The thought that it was "real love" and my true soulmate and that deep feeling kept me from moving on. Now that I know it's impossible, or at least extremely unlikely and painful, it's a lot easier for me.

If I saw her or heard from her, I think I could be polite, but I don't have any doubt that confusion would be written all over my face. And I wouldn't invest a lot of energy in it or future contact.

I went through a few short-term relationships after the break-up. I only had 2-3 that had potential and they ended largely because I was questioning who I was, what I wanted, and if I was ready. I knew I didn't need to stay with them if I wasn't prepared for something long term and investing the same level of commitment that they were.

I've been engaged with since November. I met a foreign woman on eharmony. Some think I'm crazy, but those who know me and have talked to her recognize that I've found a really genuine woman. I've visited and stayed with her and her parents twice and met her friends and family. We Skype 3-4 times a week and text by Viber regularly. I know she's a keeper because she genuinely likes my cats.

There's always been a part of me that likes other cultures and learning from them. Probably half of my friends are internationals. So I dated on match and okcupid when I was just looking to step out there again. When I was ready to commit, I chose eharmony, and just decided to let the chips fall wherever in the world they may. If I didn't like it, or feel comfortable, I could have given up on it anytime.

I feel like I'm as ready now as I could be. I've accepted that safe intimacy won't always feel comfortable for me, and it's not an overnight thing to overcome things so deeply ingrained from childhood. It helps a lot to give myself the space to be flawed and to move myself in a healthier and happier direction. I feel like the unBPD was almost meant to happen because of my previous patterns and fears, and instead of being stuck for years or decades, I'm more myself than I would have been if we had never met. In a way, I have her to thank for waking me up to life. Funny, isn't it? What a journey it has been.