confused angry and devastated

[darkhorse]

Hello everyone,

I found this site in a frantic search for some info on BPD, as my partner has told me he suffered from BPD and paranoia. He was medicated and said it is not an issue.This was nearly two years ago. He was the most charming and understanding man,he had told me about his terrible childhood and kept reinforcing the fact that he is "fixed" now and there was nothing to worry about. I believed him as he had never presented any negative behavior as such. I fell in love madly, I was told that I was the woman of his dreams, his best friend and a soulmate,what a good mother I was, and how he feels a sense of family with me,for the first time in his entire life. He was never going to leave me, no matter how difficult life would get on us….Oh how every woman/man wants to hear this and ohhhhh boy ohhhhh boy how silly was I?  :'(

He kept it together for nearly 6 months,then started accusing me of cheating on him,and broke up with me for the first time. I have a business and am quite busy and have to deal with a lot of ppl, men and women. I tried to understand it from his side, as he did talk about his past relationships, and how every partner he had been involved with on a long term basis had eventually cheated on him. We made up, 2 days later he broke up with me again, apparently Id slept with another man in my car. I got very angry with him, told him that I'm not going stand for this and that he can "Jog On". Well the next day I had a text msg on my phone from him, apologizing profusely and asking for forgiveness. We went on again for nearly a whole year, we hardly argued and had a lot of tender moments. Then one day he came to see me and said that he couldn't get Zoloft as there was a shortage of it. The pharmacist had given him a generic substitute and it wasn't absorbing properly, so he had decided to stop taking the meds all together. He said he was feeling well and "our love" is fixing him on the inside…... he won't need them. That is when my red light went on, I tried to explain to him that I was worried about him slipping away until he had no control over himself, or his feelings and eventually his job. He had said that everything was under control, if he feels slipping away he will get back on,just like that…I knew what was coming, and I knew it was inevitable. He has been off the meds for 5 weeks, in the course of the 5 weeks he got very emotionally abusive, controlling,demanding and paranoid. Finally he said he had been testing me and can see through all the "smoke and mirror" tricks and knows what Im doing behind his back. Before I could react he broke up with me again. He has also sent me msgs about how I should pray that nothing happens, because its close to becoming a police matter.  I kindly told him not to ever contact me again and that he should get on the meds as soon as possible.This guy has done my head in on daily basis lately, I feel like a horse on a race track that has been beaten to a point it couldn't give anymore, and when it had collapsed it was kicked and spat on in disgust and left to die.

To tell you guys the truth I am a bit numb from this. Im not going to allow him to come back, I don't think he will, as he is convinced Im cheating on him at least with 4 other guys  . I have blocked him from everything possible, and even changed my locks just to be on the safe side.

But I have a question, if any of you could answer it would be greatly appreciated. Are all or most BPD's medicated?

I had read some of your stories and most of them sound so familiar, but nobody had actually mentioned if any of these nasty people are medicated or not. He BPD in him is very very prominent now and his paranoia levels are going through the roof. His meds acted as a good shield, even tho he did have a very child like reactions and demands especially in my busiest times…this usually stemmed into a tantrum and accusation of adultery. It was getting tiresome and draining, but when he was presented with the option of me leaving him, he would go into damage control and try and "work on this issue/himself". Unmedicated is another story, he is basically a cruel monster with green eyes and smoke puffing out of his nostrils and ears.

I realize now that I was doomed from day one, after reading the stories here. And the cold hard reality of the stories here is quite a cruel eye opener. I truly though I was the one for him and he was the one for me…...

He had mentioned over and over how all the other women he had been with were cheaters…... Im not a cheater and never had been,( sorry guys I just had to say this as the ass is not listening or hearing me),yet he believes I am, so Im guessing all the women from his past were probably not cheaters either and its all in his twisted mind, and this is his  pattern, medicated or not these people are just so hard to cater for.

I am so tired and so angry for allowing this person into my life and letting him rip me into shreds like this.

The wounds are very very fresh and I know I have a long way to go, before I can say Im over him, but I am trying to look at the positive side of this. It was a great learning curve as painful as it was and still is, it had taught me a lot about BPD trades and as I have to deal with a lot of different ppl I can use this experience at work.

Also he is in hell and will never really know the strong bond of love, nor will he ever be truly happy regardless how he bangs on and on about "TRUE LOVE AND BOND" and how I have destroyed it. We are the lucky ones, we get to walk away from BPD should we choose to. They are stuck with it for ever.

Im probably rambling on in circles, but I thank you all for listening and having this place here for people like me that need to feel like they're not alone.

Thanks and goodnight for now

[Silveron]

My wife is on the max dosage of Lexapro and they just put her on something else to add to it.  When she misses two days of it, it is totally unbearable.  It's difficult now with her on the meds but when she rages the first question or first thing I do is look to see if the bottle is empty.  Most BPDs are on meds, him getting off of them like that was a very bad decision.

Protect yourself.  I would also call the police to give them a heads-up on the situation.

[darkhorse]

Thank you for the answer to my question, and the advice on the police comment he had threatened me with,it did worry me a little bit.