Some updates since my last visit re uBPD DIL.

[Elizabeth22]

Hi again  

This was my first and last thread. I thought I was going to leave the board, but decided to stay.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274573.0 It was in a different section, but someone suggested I check out this section and maybe it belongs here.

This is just all so overwhelming, taking in information about all of this. I decided to read some more, process it and post again when I felt ready. So, here I am. I want to sincerely thank everyone who has helped me and offered advice. I am in such a strange place. Apathy? I guess? Is that familiar to anyone? Or maybe its just denial or exhaustion with a little self preservation mixed in.

This is hard to type, but everyone else here is so brave, and I usually am too, but not about this. I come from a very abusive family and don't talk to any of them. It is just not possible. I have PTSD and anxiety disorder. I had my kids when I was fairly young and was determined to break the cycle and all of that and I think I did a pretty good job of it. I was not perfect by any means, but light years ahead of what I experienced as a child.

Here's the hardest part - Given that, I am absolutely infuriated that I have to deal with uBPD DIL and all the havoc she creates. My story is with her is not as bad as some of the other stories that I read here about things other people have to cope with and I believe that is partly because I keep her at arm's length. I do not give her things to take from me and I do not get into situations with her where she  can do damage. I learned that with her the hard way. This all comes at the expense of having meaningful relationships with my son and grandchildren. I avoid them as much as I can.

As I read the stories here, I recognize every single insidious thing she does thru other people's experiences. It's been a huge eye opener. Things I felt that were "off" with her are actually part of the disorder (my husband's therapist is the one who said he is certain she is  BPD, I had suspected for a while).

The thing that prompted me tonight was reading some posts and help articles about abandonment and realizing that is probably the reason my son is not "allowed" to go to work (her many maladies - she is an ER junkie- and constant phone calls have lost him jobs. Even when he tried to work a job from home on the phone she would not stop interrupting him - abandonment fears, I guess. She even faked a nervous breakdown one morning when she did not want him to go to work and my husband had to go over and rescue GS8 from her tirade - anotherlong story). She is on disability, for a condition I personally do not believe she has, and that is  how they pay their bills, and with other public assistance. Any extra money, no matter how small, that is leftover is immediately spent by her. She is also somewhat of a grifter, she will con people into getting what she wants. We used to give them money, but now only buy things for the children, like clothes, etc. If i don't offer, she will hint.

I talked to my son recently and he is about ready to give up on her. She does not take care of the children or the house, sleeps all day and night (rx addiction, which her dr seems to recognize now) and cheated on my son. In addition to that, the only time she can get up and out of the house is if she wants to shop or go to her family and play medical expert (long story). She just ups and leaves and he is supposed to take care of everything. I should note one child is from a former engagement (GS8) and is my son's, he has custody and one child is theirs (GS3). She doesn't even take care of her own child and is pretty harsh on my son's child.

The absolute breaking point for me was recently, and there's been a lot of near breaking points. My GS8 had wanted a special toy for Christmas. DIL traded in all of my son's video games to get the toy. GS8 was acting up (he has a lot of issues from abuse from his bio mom and other dxs), SO, DIL got the toy, showed it to him, said he was bad and he was not getting it and hightailed it back out to the store to get the tablet she wanted (which I suspected was the ultimate goal all along). My son strongly objected to this, but she did it anyway. I heard about it in Jan. and bought the toy for my GS8, told my son I had it and could I give it to him? Nope! That would upset HER! So, I waited until GS8's bday in May.  I did not go because I KNEW what was going to  happen, husband went. GS8 opens the present, gets really excited and is told by HER that he cannot play with it because he is grounded. My son and GS's bio mom were there and agreed but DIL did all the talking (bio mom is in a better place now, another long story). Husband comes home and tells me, I am fit to be tied. Broached the subject with my son a week later, argument ensues. I tell him we are tired of EVERYHING we give this child is either taken away or used as punishment. Son hands the phone to her, so I have to calm down and explain it to her nicely, or else. No progress made.

Talked to my son again a few weeks after that, he gave her x amount of time to work things out after her cheating and she is not working with him on it. He may want to leave soon. He and GS8 will have to come here and live for a variety of reasons, incl. son has nothing. Not a thing. No money, nothing.  He does not want to leave GS3 behind with her, but there may  be no other choice.

This will greatly impact my life, my marriage, my son, my grandson, my husband - everything- because God only knows what she will do when backed into that corner.

Even if my son does not leave her, we still have to deal with her.

I am SO ANGRY, I know, it sounds selfish. I did so much work to heal myself from my childhood abuse, but this triggers me A LOT and I cannot cope with it at all. I am angry at how unfair it all is. No one promised me life would be fair, but I have to keep a distance or this will swallow me up, My coping mechanisms are gone. This is about my child and grandchildren now. It was so much easier when it was just me that needed fixing. I cannot fix this. I am used to being able to fix things, or that was my assigned role in my family which I carried with me when I then had to fix the damage done to me.

The worst part is I dont even want to stop being angry. I just dont know what to do.

Thank you for reading this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It is obvious your DIL is a control freak, and she could be narcisstic as well as BPD.

You are in the middle of "triangulation" ... .  not a nice place to be.  My suggestion to you would be to

focus on your son and grandchildren and avoid any contact with your DIL.  She causes you great personal anxiety and appears to enjoy creating chaos.  This is a game you do not have to play. 

In order to help your son and grandchildren, you need to make sure the DIL does not cause you to have any mental or physical setbacks.  You have worked hard to get where you are, and she probably knows exactly how to push your buttons to destabilize you.  Do not let her do this.  It may be helpful for you and your son to seek joint counseling and/or legal advice, so she is dealing with a united front. From what you have said, it sounds like DIL is not interested in marriage counseling.

If your son leaves her, you are correct in that she will still need to be dealt with. In all likelihood, she will continue to make everyone miserable, in fact, it may escalate, but you and your family (with legal support) will need to set boundaries that she is not allowed to cross. It does not sound as if DIL is stable enough to give the children the care, love, and support they need, and the fact your son has been a primary caregiver will work in his favor. 

Your heart is in the right place.  Your son and grandchildren will need all the love and support they can get, but be sure you do not sacrifice what you have survived and who you have become to accomplish this. Protect yourself. 

Sometimes we have people in our lives that are not healthy to be around, and we need to acknowledge this. Remove yourself from the middle of this difficult situation. 

We are so glad to have you here and we offer friendship, kindness, and support.  We understand how difficult and frustrating your situation is and we want to help.  Please keep us posted.






 

[madmom]

Oh Elizabeth22 I am so sorry for the severe pain you are going through.  You sound like you have been put through the wringer in so many ways but have done some good work to repair yourself.   Sadly, you DIL is causing pain to everyone, especially the children and that just isn't OK.  I guess my best advise would be to take some time now and prepare for your son/grandsons possibly coming to live with you.  Decide on the boundaries you will have---will he need to get a job to pay rent etc., what is the time line for that, are you going to be responsible for the care of the grandsons or is he, what about care while he is at work?  Will DIL be allowed to visit the child(ren) in your home?  I think if you have some kind of plan thought out, you can save yourself some grief and drama within your own home.   Right now it doesn't sound like you can do much to help your son in his own home, or the DIL.  Also, take a look at the tools on the right hand side of the page.   Your son and grandson are going to need someone to support them.  I find the tools to be great to use with anyone BPD or not, and have really helped me to communicate better. Please keep posting and telling us your story.   You are not alone.

[livednlearned]

Hi Elizabeth22,

It's hard to recover from abuse and then find ourselves in yet another abusive relationship -- that can be a real set back. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The stress can really manifest in your body, so to echo MammaMia, make sure you take care of yourself right now. If that means no contact with DIL, then that's a boundary that needs a lot of TLC.

I imagine you feel hopeful that your son is going to leave her. Do you think he is serious about this? Has he felt this way before and then changed his mind (or been guilted to stay by her)?

He may lack the strength to actually go through with divorce, especially if he's deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Leaving a BPD marriage is not easy. We have a Family Law board here with a lot of senior members with many, many years of collective experience to share if you want to take a peek over there. If he seems serious about leaving, you can help him plan. It's hard to gather all the information while living in the home. There is a must-have book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy (there is also a website: www.highconfictinstitute.com). If he wavers, you may need to do a codependency check and recognize that he cannot leave until he is ready, and has the strength.

Does your son know that she is BPD?

These cross-generational multi-family issues are so hard. Like madmom said, you are not alone. I managed to divorce my N/BPDx husband only to begin dating a man with a BPD ex wife. She is not as high conflict as some, but I find my body reacts with fight or flight responses when I sense the whole egg shells side show kicking into gear. Be kind to yourself about what you can and cannot do right now. This is not your problem to fix -- you can be supportive without going down with the whole ship, just keep an eye on your boundaries and keep seeing your T.

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Everyone,

After reading your thoughtful and loving responses the other day, which seriously brought tears to my eyes, I fully intended to come back here Sunday (6/28) and sincerely thank you all and give thoughtful replies, and post encouragement on your threads as well.

I was unable to do so because I have been on the phone all day and trying to deal with the latest development.

uBPD DIL was arrested and is now in jail for simple assault and domestic violence against my 8 year old grandson (my son's child from a previous relationship of whom he has custody). GS8 is special needs - ADHD, reactive attachment disorder, PTSD and some other things - trauma from living with bio mom his first 3 years while we fought tooth and nail in court and my son finally got ful custody. He is on meds and on a waiting list for intensive therapy, because regular therapy was not helping. HOW can she does this to any child, nevermind a special needs child with so many emotional issues. My daughter is beyond furious. Good thing she lives 6 hours away.

No one has bailed her out, not even her own family. We considered it, because the jail she is in is quite rough and I cannot bear the thought of something happening to her due to our inaction. We decided against it and to await the results of the arraignment, which should be Monday 6/29.

Mt grandson is ok for the most part, he has a bitemark on him from her. He bit his younger brother (her child with my son) GS3 and left some faint marks which faded. DIL decided to bite him back so "he can see how it feels". Sunday was visitation day with bio mom and she was informed of this by DIL before pick up.

When bio mom brought GS8 to her home and saw the mark, she called the police and they arrested DIL. They were going to charge her with a felony, but since she has no priors, they went with lesser charges.

I don't know why the eff my son didn't do something. He said he had it out with DIL outside of earshot of GS8. My son was outside when it happened. He does not understand why she was arrested because corporal punishment is legal in our state. I tried to explain  that biting is not corporal punishment, its abuse. He said her intent was not to abuse and she has done the same thing to the 3 year old? WTH? Is that an effect of FOG on his part? I have NO idea.

I talked to my son a lot today and he is just numb, I dont think its sunk in. He does not care if she is bailed out or not. He is just processing it all. He says he hopes he can find the strength to get throught this. I told him I know he can and we are here for him as well. I asked if I could do something, anything for him -except bail her out- and he said no and it goes without saying that he does not expect me to bail her out.

He lives 5 mins from and I feel a bit guilty about not offering to go over today and stay with him, but I think he needs to maybe feel this on his own for a bit. My daughter, who has a degree in crisis intervention (but doesnt use it, she and her husband own a few businesses) told me its best to keep him talking and not let him get caught up in his own thoughts and start to rationalize what DIL did. He was doing that to some extent when I was talking to him, but I felt I had to tread very gently with him for now.

I'm going to try to come back and address your generous responses in a meaningful fashion, but I may be very busy either doing some legal work for my son (I think he needs to file for at least a separation and establish some legal rights - I work in the legal field) or I may just go visit him or have him and the kids over here (if bio mom decides to return GS8 from his overnight - this could really mess with his custody of GS8).

Really, I don't know what I will be doing, but I am sure it will be all about this Monday and who knows how long.

If she doesn't make bail and no one bails her out, we don't know what to do. I don't want her to be harmed in prison and my husband doesn't think she deserves to sit in prison until a trial or a plea. I think we are all having a hard time processing. Abuse. Arrest. Criminal charges. Jail.

Any words of wisdom would be immeasurably appreciated and I had hoped to be returning the favor on your threads today. I am sorry I have to be wrapped up in this for now. It's surreal, I cannot wrap my head around it. So, I ditched the emotions for now and started thinking legal strategy. It could all get so ugly so fast. Or uglier, I guess.

Much love and respect,

Elizabeth22

[thefixermom]

Sounds like the opportunity has presented itself for your son to file for divorce and full legal custody of the GS3 with the mother's admission to him that she had bitten the 3 year old, too.  My family bailed my D out of a rough jail about 15 years ago because we didn't know better and thought she would suffer there for her one time foolish decision to try and make some extra money transporting marijuana from one state to the next.  Well, she has made us suffer ever since with her blame, chaos and poor decisions and blames everyone else.  If I could go back I would not let her be bailed out because all it did was reinforce how all her decisions were our fault (or else we would not have rescued her, she says).  She did not have the opportunity to sit and stew. Maybe staying in jail would have brought her some humility and gratitude.   I'm concerned that if your son stays confused and waffles he will just make the court waffle, too, and then your GS3 will suffer the most living under your DIL's punitive manipulations.  Sometimes God has us right where He needs us and it's best to not interfere.    

[understandnow]

I am so sorry to read your posts.  My heart goes out to your gs.  I feel like you are living my life up to the abuse part which I know it's just a matter of time.  My daughter also is a family interventionist.  Same story different family.  Stay strong.  Everything we learn from this site is a work in progress.  Your Dil is in jail due to her actions.  As hard as it is, she is the only one that can make it better.  You are a big support for your son and gs.  Stay a support.  My husband always says I like being a cushion but I don't want to be a hammock.  Please keep us updated and know I am hoping this with everyone will get better.  

[MammaMia]

I agree with Fixermom.  Every relationship has a "point of no return".  Perhaps this is one your son should seriously consider for the safety and wellbeing of the children and himself.  It is an opportunity for change.

Being caught in the middle is not a fun place to be.  Stay strong.

[livednlearned]

Oh Elizabeth22, I'm so sorry your world has up-ended so dramatically like this. These crises do tend to crack things open and we have to do triage, trying to solve things with never as much information and guidance as we want and need. Your son is fortunate that you are familiar with the legal system. That eliminates some of the bewilderment that goes with court actions.

One thing that can happen is that the court, which has no emotions invested, may say any efforts to protect DIL as a sign that the family lacks good judgment. The thinking sort of goes, "If dad is so concerned about child, why is he trying to rescue and protect the abuser?"

I think there's a point when we really are choosing between the child and the parent. Sometimes, as painful as it may be, it's not possible to rescue both. Or, at the very least, the child must be rescued first. Then the adult can be dealt with once the child is made safe.

I don't know why the eff my son didn't do something. He said he had it out with DIL outside of earshot of GS8. My son was outside when it happened. He does not understand why she was arrested because corporal punishment is legal in our state. I tried to explain  that biting is not corporal punishment, its abuse. He said her intent was not to abuse and she has done the same thing to the 3 year old? WTH? Is that an effect of FOG on his part? I have NO idea.

This made me so sad -- I have been in the same position as your son. There were so many reasons why I did not interfere when my ex was raging at our son. I knew if I stepped in, the rage would escalate. I had this desperate, dysfunctional belief that if I could minimize the conflict, then the storm would pass and I could get my son to his room faster where I would attempt to help with recovery and repair. It's a myth, of course. We also start to lose sight of what is abuse, the lines start to blur and we think "this is tolerable, I can tolerate this" as though if we can tolerate it, then it must not be abuse.  :'(

It's also very possible that your son is so beaten down and weakened he cannot muster the strength to protect himself, much less his child, and this feeds into self-loathing that further undermines his strength. The feedback loops on these abusive relationships are wicked. The distorted thinking can make it hard to solve our way out of anything.

I hope you find a way through all of this and at the very least, take comfort in knowing that your instincts about DIL's instability are founded. If it didn't happen now, it would likely happen eventually. Better that it happens now while the kids are younger so they can get the help they need, as well as help for your S.

I'm thinking about you today during the arraignment, sending prayers of support.



LnL

[Elizabeth22]

Thanks so much for the kind words and support. Having a crazy week - Just doing a drive by to say that my son seems to want to work things out with DIL. I told him that I cannot help him or support that. Any offers of help have been withdrawn.  You are all helping me so much and so selflessly. Thank you 

[swampped]

Dear Elizabeth22:  I am so very sorry for all that you are going through right now.  Here are a few     , as I am not sure what else I can offer.  From our experience with our uBPD exdil, what you are describing about your son's wavering frequently happens.  I am sure he is also lost in the FOG.  One thing I have learned from AlAnon is that although I can see clearly what has to be done, often that is not done, for a million reasons.  Our ds went back over and over, and we spent so much time and money and heartache trying to get him to a lawyer, to court, to counseling, to whatever---to no avail.  Until he was ready.  Sometimes you have to simply wait and let things work out.  The abuse of the children is very concerning---is DFCS involved, and has the court anything to say about dil's ability to keep the children?  I am sure that your dgs8 is a challenge, and could imagine a scenario where he bites the little one, Mom loses it, and decides to teach him how a bite feels.  I have seen that done often, in a very misguided way, by parents of toddlers (I practiced pediatrics for many years).  But the pattern of neglect you describe is of great concern.  Is your son able to keep the children safe, do you believe?  If so, that may be a good part of his reason for staying with her.

I know that this is a terrible worry for you, and hope you can find some peace and distance from it, if for only a few minutes at a time.  We absolutely have to take care of ourselves, as difficult as that may be.  Ironically, I have found that it is easiest for me to deal with my son's situation when I am actually angry with him.  Somehow that keeps me a little saner than when I allow myself to pity him.  Maybe your anger is a healthy thing right now for you.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  Keep posting.  And take care of Elizabetht!   Swampped   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Elizabeth22]

Thank you all again for the kind words. You are all helping me stay sane through the latest round.

Son says he talked to domestic violence agency and  they suggested he talk to GS8 about this, because son is confused about what to do. GS8 told son he is afraid for uBPD stepmom to come home because he thinks she will uct up the TC with knives and kill his pet fish (that we gave him), and says she should not be in the  house. BUT he misses her and wants her back. Son tells me this made it "very easy" to make his decision, he is staying with her. I said what about GS8? He is only 8, he does not know better - you are going to blame him for your decision?

I said bio mom will never go for that and we won't either. I said what will it take? blood? broken bones? What will happen next time uBPD DIL gets enraged with G8? Son asks me- what about you? I ask - what about me? He then falsely accuses me of abusing GS8. Says I slapped him across the face for talking too much when son and GS8 were staying here when DIL faked nervous breakdown and was in psych ward. Says I "had no problem admitting it". After everything else that has happened, I seriously started doubting my own sanity, because this never happened.

Take phone over to where husband is while son is still on phone and ask husband if he remembers this, because son is insisting. Husband says no, that never happened and starts getting quite irritated with my son. As an aside, she left him with barely any groceries, son tells me last night he has no food, I order a bunch of stuff from Dominos pizza online and have it sent to his home because it was late and that was all I could do. Offered to take him grocery shopping today and send food via Amazon Prime Pantry -but she took him grocery shopping  today and probably violated her bail  conditions being near the  house.

I totally went off on my son, yelling at him about how we help him and now he is falsley accusing me of being a child abuser. Said some choice things about her too. He tells me to never call his house again. I say a few parting words and hang up. It got very ugly and I dont even regret not holding my tongue, as I usually do.

I called the DV agency and was told that under no circumstances would they tell my son to ask GS8 the questions he asked him. He lied about it. Covering for her. I explained entire situation, incl false accusation against me and was told he is in a DV cycle with her, he is acting like an abuser and not  being a protective parent to his son. Advocate says GS8 sounded TERRIFIED when I mentioned the fish and TV and that he is a little boy, a baby and wants to please the adults, my son should never have put him in that position. Advocate also wonders how DIL's prior abuse of GS8 has affected him and what he thinks he should say to please adults. I also mention bio mom and all she has been doing and advocate told me to stay close to bio mom and support her, because she is the only parent acting protective and appropriately. Bio mom and I are getting very close again and we fully intend to stay close and support her. She may go for custody of GS8, and at this point, my son deserves to lose custody for not putting his own son first. And my grandson deserves to be in a better home. I have learned of outright neglect by my son and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Called bio mom to fill her in on some things and she tells me that MY SON told HER I ABUSED GS8. She said she didnt even take th bait because she didnt believe it and knows I am not like that.

uBPD DIL has destroyed my family, but my son is to blame as well. I am devastated. There is no coming back from this. I dont how many more times my son is going to repeat his lie about me and to whom. I also cannot believe he is not putting his son first, as he said he would. She is in his head, I know this, but he knows better. I am holding him accountable. My GS comes first, he is a child, not an adult who can take care of himself.

As a footnote, I think I previously posted that we had withdrawn offers of support, well, my son asked me the other day if  he and the children could move in here if he left her, and I said yes and stated some conditions - like him  getting a job, GS3 has to  be in daycare because son has to assume some of the parental responsibilities - we are not doing it all. He had a way out.

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

Has Child Protective Services ever been involved in your GS8's situation?  It really sounds as if you need someone to arbitrate.  Is there a reason Bio mom does not have more involvement with their child?  Claims of how GS8 feels makes no sense.  That is where CPS could be a valuable tool in getting to the truth.

You are in a very difficult position. Your son deciding to stay with his second wife (with all that is going on) makes me wonder if she is threatening him. Most likely with taking their youngest child and cutting off financial support, but it could be much worse than that. If she is found to be physically and/or mentally abusive, he should have a good chance of full custody or at least implementing some kind of supervision when she has the children. 

You are correct when you say the primary concern should be to protect the children.  The fact your son waxes and wanes about this is disconcerting and needs to be evaluated by a neutral third party. 

[Elizabeth22]

Elizabeth

Has Child Protective Services ever been involved in your GS8's situation?  It really sounds as if you need someone to arbitrate.  Is there a reason Bio mom does not have more involvement with their child?  Claims of how GS8 feels makes no sense.  That is where CPS could be a valuable tool in getting to the truth.

You are in a very difficult position. Your son deciding to stay with his second wife (with all that is going on) makes me wonder if she is threatening him. Most likely with taking their youngest child and cutting off financial support, but it could be much worse than that. If she is found to be physically and/or mentally abusive, he should have a good chance of full custody or at least implementing some kind of supervision when she has the children.  

You are correct when you say the primary concern should be to protect the children.  The fact your son waxes and wanes about this is disconcerting and needs to be evaluated by a neutral third party.  

Hi MammaMia- Thank you for your helpful words. Yes, CPS is involved now and is interviewing bio mom today. She had a few problems 5 years ago that enabled my son to get custody of GS8. She has since gotten counseling and gone back to school and done things to straighten out her life. She and son recently went thru mediation and signed a shared custody agreement that has been filed but not yet ruled on by a judge, so she can only have visitation when my son says its ok, until the new order is in place.

No doubt my son is being threatened and manipulated by uBPd DIL, but I already offered to file for custody and financial support for him (I work in the legal field), only as a legal separation for now to secure some legal rights and get him out of this mess. I have no doubt he could get custody and she would get supervised visitation and told him that, but he wont listen to anyone. Obviously I can't make him end his marriage, but I thought that is what he wanted at one point.

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

I am so glad to hear CPS is involved, and I pray that either you or the bio mom can become caregivers. Change is frightening, but the current situation is not healthy, and your son may need some extra support/legal advice to ultimately do the right thing for everyone. 

You are doing all you can, and both grandchildren are very lucky to have your love and support. 

Please keep us posted.

[livednlearned]

Hi Elizabeth22,

Will CPS interview as part of their investigation?

[Elizabeth22]

Hi MammaMia and livednlearned - I am waiting for an update about CPS visit with bio mom today. She messaged me and said it went well and they are also going to meet with my son and uBPD DIL. Nothing about them meeting with GS8.

I talked with my mother tonight, we have a very shaky relationship, but I am keeping her updated. My son, who has not spoken to her in 2 years (but his uBPD wife has, when she wants things) called her yesterday. He is lying about everyone and everything in order to make his wife look good. He repeated the false allegations of child abuse toward GS8 about me and even blamed GS8 for some of this.

I will not be there for my son legally, financially, emotionally or in any way. He told me last night to never call his house again, and I won't, I will respect his boundary he has set. If he comes to me for anything, the answer is no. This is not the first rodeo with him and his horrid behavior toward me because of uBPD DIL. That means I also will not be there for GS3. And frankly, that is fine with me. DIL has made it more than clear that GS3 belongs to her and her family and she started playing around with any relationship I would ever have with him before he was even born. So, I know better than to try to get close with him so she can just take him away.

I probably sound really cold and callous, but I know what I am up against here. They have robbed me of enough peace and sanity, and it has to end. It's not fair to my husband nor my daughter when I am spending so much of my resources and energy on my son, the adult, who refuses to be a responsible parent.

And, as a therapist once told me - I have no obligation to be around anyone who is abusive to me.

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

I am very sorry for your son's behavior, especially the unnecessary and hurtful false accusations. I would hope CPS follows up on this and contacts you and your husband, because you have every right to set the record straight.  

No, I do not believe you are hard or callous. Enough is enough. Hopefully, dealing with his uBPD wife alone will give your son a much-needed reality check.

Like they say ... .he has made his bed, and now he must lie in it.

[js friend]

Hi Elizabeth,

Im sure that I would feel the same way in your position.

We all have limits. It sounds like your son is very enmeshed and has probably picked up many of DIL  . Maybe he is being manipulated by DIL OR is using her tactics to try to get out of a sticky situation. Either way it seems like he has lost all sense when it comes to protecting his kids.My feeling is your son will be back further on down the line when he thinks this has blown over and you have forgotten all about it. Ive seen my dd do the same many, many times.

Before all of this you said that you spoke to your son who was ready to give up on her... .In my experience it can often take years before they leave the dysfunction.At one point I couldnt even  have a simple everday normal conversation with dd20 b/f. He has his own issues but took on many of her traits one being the need for secrecy always referring me back to her about simple everyday things which was very frustrating such was the strong grip she had on him .Now 1 year out of the r/s he has spilled the beans about how dysfunctional the r/s was and he looks back at it now with horror, but along the way he lost a lot of family and friends due to his change in behaviour.

From speaking  to him now He honestly thought that if he loved her more and tried harder he would make her happy, but of course she never was.Maybe thats how your son is feeling too.Leaving her will have to come from him. Just like an abuse victim it will take several attempts before he actually does leave her.It is sad but he is an adult and will reach that decision for himself, unlike his child who has no power or say in this situation and needs protection.

I can only hope cps see through the lies and do what is best for this child... Secrets,lies and deflection its all too much. Im with you on this one Elizabeth

[livednlearned]

Leaving an abusive relationship is the most frightening thing I've done. I had family, friends, and a good therapist supporting me, and it felt like walking off a cliff with no net. The most important person in my life, a dear friend who had volunteered at a DV shelter for 12 years, did not judge me, and I desperately needed that. I knew it was a dysfunctional, abusive marriage, and I was also terrified of what would happen if I left. It takes so much strength to leave, and after years of abuse, that is the last thing spouses in an abusive relationship feel.

It may be hard, but being as empathetic to him as you can will go a long way. The key is for you to have good boundaries to protect yourself. I respect my friend for the boundaries she had in our friendship, meanwhile she was very clear in what ways she was willing to support me. I knew exactly where I stood with her, something that was rare in my life at the time. It also helped me see someone model what good boundaries looked like at a time when I had none.

Your son may have to wait until things really fall apart, when decisions are made for him. CPS may be in the process of doing that right now. If recommendations are not made now, then it's likely there will be another time, and it could go to court regardless of his wishes.

It's terribly sad to watch, and it's also not a problem he will likely hand over to you, or to anyone else. If he is anything like me, he desperately wants to believe he is strong enough to handle what is happening. It could be what's holding him together.

[Elizabeth22]

I guess maybe at this point, I need to provide more information about my son. As I has mentioned, GS8 is from a previous relationship, someone son was engaged to whom I refer to as bio mom here. Before they got pregnant, they moved in with me and my husband (husband and I were not married at the time, just living together in the house I own, and we still live here now).

Son asked if he and bio mom could move in, they were having financial problems. We let them. We set conditions. The conditions were not followed. Then they got pregnant and a few months later, they moved to bio mom's dad's house, a few miles away, by their own choice. GS8 was born and there were a lot of problems between son and bio mom, some of which we attribute to her maybe having PPD. We had asked her to talk to her DR about it and I guess that never happened.

She started talking to some guy she knew who had just gotten out of jail. Son was back and forth from our house to her dad's house due to all the fighting. She cheated on my son with jail guy. She told my son and he wanted to work it out with her and she just cheated on him with another guy. That relationship ended because she left him. There were some violent fights with her hitting him and he always knew he could come back here, and did off and on until she finally ended it and moved in with another man.

She started witholding GS8 (who was a baby at the time) from my son and wouldnt even answer the phone. We had to call the police for well child checks quite a bit and I went on every one of them with my son, at his request.

She filed for custody, he did the right thing and paid her child support before it was ordered and try to see GS8 as much as possible.

In and out of court for that year or so, I was with him every step of the way UNTIL he moved out of here because he met UBPD DIL and I would not let her sleep over the house. I already let one girlfriend move in and I was not allowing anymore adult sleepovers. He didnt even tell me he was moving out. Husband and I came home one day and found her in our house moving things out. I had only met her once prior. I asked her what she was doing and she said I needed to ask my son. I felt like saying - No, I need to ask you because you are in my house and moving things out of it. My son decided to move in with my completely dysfunctional alcoholic father (who gave his legal rights to me away to my abusive step father when I was 10 and step father adopted me. One of my mother's sick manipulations that worked) and equally dysfunctional alcoholic half brother, who is the same age as my son, who has been previously restricted from my own home for endangering my GS. I told my son this was not a good idea, he was in the middle of another custody round, these people are hardcore alcoholics and a standing order in custody cases is that you are not allowed to have your children around people who are drunk.  GS was about 1 at the time. Prior to that, when living with me, son did not really take care of GS when he got him for visitation, I did most of the child care, feeding, bathing, etc. I worried and I also told my son that if the Guardian ad Litem called me as part of the recent custody proceedings and asked me anything about where son lived or who he was living with, I had to tell the truth and would. So, that happened, and I did. Son lost part of his visitation, not because of me, but because he blew off appointments with the GAL and maybe even a court date. But who does he blame? Me. Seeing a patern? He told me a I wrote a letter to the GAL saying derrogatory things about him. I never did. I also told son I would like to see a copy of the alleged letter. He could not produce it. I said not only would you have been sent a copy by the GAL, but you can get it now if you just call, before you continue to spread your accusations, I want to see this evidence. Never happened because I NEVER wrote any letter like that.

Son cut off contact with me, I did not see GS unless bio mom brough him over. Bio mom informed me that son was getting married to uBPD DIL and I had no idea. I called him and said I missed him and wanted to see GS, and son informed me he was getting married at City Hall and had to ask DIL's permission if I could attend. I said ok, and he talked to her and then invited me and my husband. Her family showed up, we were the only family members to even give a gift. GS was about 2 at this point.

Fast forward another year, GS is 3, son  gets information he is being abused by bio mom, calls me and said "Mom, I need you and GS needs you". I rush over and interview the people who were former friends of bio mom who had tracked my son down and told him of the abuse. We went to PD, they were not helpful, filed for emergency custody 2 days later, won and another round of custody started. I was doing all the legal work save one hearing where I hired another lawyer to do it and we paid for it. I could not deal with my emotional devastation and had to have someone else step in for a little while til I cleared my head. We spent the money we had saved for a trip to London, where I was supposed to be a special guest at a concert by 2 bands I really liked. Friends went and told me a got a shout out from the stage saying they wished I could be there or something and they dedicated a song to me (Aside - I did some social media work for bands for a  few years and  got credited in one bands liner notes of their CD).

I might add that in the earlier rounds of custody, son was a complete a$$hole to me, even tho I was doing all the work and was in bad health at the time. I used to work on it at night and would ask him to read things I drafted for accuracy and imput. Well, he could not be bothered and would scream at me a lot. I was doing what HE asked me to do. One night, he was screaming at me because I was "bothering" him, doing his FREE legal work and I asked him to leave the room. He stood at the door screaming and I tried to nugde him out, not violently, so I could close the door and continue working. He physically assaulted me.

Back to when he got actual custody 5 years ago, I would get as many as 7 calls a day, him telling me he could not handle GS, and mind you he was married now too, so there were 2 adults there and telling me he only did this because he expected "more help and it wasnt being given". He meant from me. I told him he had to learn to raise his own child. That being said, we have taken GS as much as we can, it gets complicated because we have gotten to the point where we do not want to interact with son and DIL because, well it sucks and it drains us emotionally and is very upsetting. Every.Single. Time. we have found out DIL does not want GS in that home, we have offered to outright take him and have him live with us.

I'm sorry. I am out of energy, my emotions are drained, all the years of craziness have taken its toll on me. We have been there as much as we could and every time we show empathy and support, we are stabbed in the back,

My son is really twisting the knife know, and he knows how to him me where I live by accusing me of abusing GS8 , because I was horribly and severely abused as a child and he knows how it haunts me to this day. I have had a lot of therapy and been a very productive, emotionally healthy person, but all that started to decline with initial problems regarding GS8.

Sorry for the rant, I am not ignoring the supportive responses here, thank you for them. Its just time  for me to wake up and really understand what I am dealing with here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

Your son has certainly put you through the wringer with his relationships and children.

It is time for you to do just as you are doing.  Step back.  You will make yourself sick if you continue to be triangulated.  It is stressful, expensive, physically and emotionally draining, and a constant reminder of past abuses.  You do not need this.

Take some time for Elizabeth and the rest of your family.  Sometimes, we just cannot fix things, no matter how hard we try.  I also suspect he will be back, but for now, enjoy your freedom. 

Stepping back does not mean you do not love him and the children.  It means it is time for him to take charge of his life and stop relying on you to catch him when he falls.

Hang in there. 

[Elizabeth22]

Thank you, MammaMia  I feel like I just don't know who I am anymore. I don't know if I am cycling through stages of grief, because I now feel like I've lost my son forever. It can never be the same. This final blow is just devastating. Opening my eyes has been the hardest thing. My daughter is upset with me because I've always made excuses for him. He was diagnosed with ADD as a child and it seemed to make his life and his social interactions so difficult. He did not have hyperactivity and 3 different psychiatrists said he did not need medication, it was mild. He was not the son his father wanted, he was shy and didn't like sports very much. My ex and I divorced when my son was 12 and my daughter was 10, and he moved out of state. His relationship with the kids decreased as time went on and I never interferred with it. Ex told me I won custody, so they are mine, if he couldnt have control, he wasnt interested. I took my son to therapy and the therapist had emailed my ex and asked him if he wanted to participate in his son's therapy. Ex emailed him back and told him to beware of me, I am wicked person and declined to get in any therapy regarding my son to help him. The therapist was appalled and told me he thought my ex was an a$$hole, and to forget about him ever being a parent to the kids. I  took my daugter to therapy and sat in with her, at her request, as she explained her pain about her father and wondered why he wouldn't be a dad to her.  I always felt I had to do more for and be more to the kids, because their father wasn't there. My ex has told my daughter that he does not want a relationship with her, because she is so much like me, looks like me -and he hates me.  I don't know. I usually have answers, I usually know what to do... .and now, I just don't. But thank you for validating my feelings. I am feeling extremely guilty and very much like a failure now, and that meant a lot to me.

I am just wondering tonight, because it was pointed out to me during a phone call, if my son is modeling his father's behavior as a father. Once my ex got a new wife and new kids, my kids mattered even less.

My daughter has pointed out on numerous occassions that my son acts like his father and even treats me like his father did, I just can't see it as clearly as she does. She also thanks me for being both mom and dad to her and doing the best I could.

Maybe I have just been unwilling to see what's in front of me. Very unlike me, I usually hit things head on.

We had a very traditional marriage, I stayed home with the kids and did everything around the house. Ex came and went as he pleased. He worked, but was not around a lot. He was not a very involved father during the marriage and even less so after. He was abusive. He was controlling. I didnt want to be divorced because I knew what my parents divorce did to my life. Then, there was no choice. I may have waited too long. Set a bad example. I feel so responsible for all of this.  I also feel ashamed.

[lbjnltx]

Elizabeth,

You, your children, and grandchild have been through so much in the past.

Letting go of the shame, guilt, and pain from past relationship failures allows for a different tomorrow.

Through forgiveness we can do this.  Forgiveness is not all about the person who wronged us.  It is a gift to self. Self is the most important person to forgive.

Forgiveness is nothing more than giving up hope that we will have a better past.



lbj

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

Our marriages were strikingly similar.  The main difference was that I worked fulltime and supported the family.  My ex worked when he felt like it and did not contribute to the family financially.  My money was OURS but his money was HIS.  He made it very easy for me to divorce him, because like your ex, he was not really a part of the family.  He wanted a mother, not a wife, kids, and responsibility. The children were my problem because I wanted them... .he did not. He was an emotionally abusive alcoholic.  When things turned physical with the children, I threw him out.

Our divorce was the happiest day of my life.

Since you were a stay-at-home mom, you were probably more focused on the family, whereas I had outside interests and success that helped to bolster my sense of self and confidence.  Having said that, my two children were always the center of my life.

I forgave my ex for being the person he was.  I could not change that.  He proceeded through many failed relationships and marriages.  I accepted that I was better off without him and so were the children.  Like you, I feel I should have left sooner, but hope springs eternal and change just never happened.  We live and learn, right?

My BPDs also exhibits many of the personalty characteristics of my ex.  I love him anyway.  In fact, I may understand him better because of it.

My point is.  We cannot dwell in the past and let it erode our future.  We need to close the door on that chapter of our lives.  We did the best we could given the circumstances.  Stop feeling guilty.  It serves no purpose.  Forgive your ex and most importantly, forgive yourself.

The late Joan Rivers said this, and I will never forget it... ."The past is over and dead, the future has not yet happened, today is a gift ... .it is the present."

PS  You DO know who you are ... .you are Elizabeth and you need to love and respect yourself.

[Elizabeth22]

Thank you for your kind and empathetic responses, lbjnltx   and MammaMia . Also, thanks to you both for sharing you stories. I am sorry for the long winded posts, I seem to be having epiphanies or something. Pieces are starting to come together and I am trying to sort my feelings about them. I was actually surprised at some of the things I wrote, because I guess I didn't realize how  I was feeling until I started writing about it and it just all flowed out.

I have forgiven the ex. I do need to forgive myself.

I am sorry for the pain and losses you have been through. You are remarkably strong and generous to share and help people.  

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth, it is healthy to vent. 

Often we do not realize that others have had the same struggles that make us feel so alone, and while every story is different, we share many things in common.

Do not apologize for thinking out loud.  It is a good thing.

[Elizabeth22]

Much love and grattitude to you, MammaMia. It is quite often that thinking about your words to me helps me get through the day. 

In general, things are just worse now. We are finding out more and more. I have talked to a few agencies/people who have told me my son is a victim of domestic abuse as well and this behavior is the norm or to be expected. Its also been speculated that he may have some mental health issues. He was diagnosed with minor depression as a child, but the therapist said he just gave him a diagnosis to satisy the insurance company so it would pay for his counseling, it wasnt a real diagnosis.

uBPD continues to violate bail conditions, but the police have been unable to catch her in the act and my son denies everything and lies for her.

GS8's bio mom has been advised by CPS and others to move for full custody, and she is doing so. I am so worried about GS3 and the things I hear, I had to make the difficult decision to report it to CPS. I didn't like doing it, but it had to be done. We thought about trying to get my son to talk to me again and going over to help, but that would just start the enabling cycle all over again. His mother is uBPD DIL and she has only taken him once in 3 weeks and she has family who were allegedly enthralled with this child, but dont seem to be helping or anything.

Right now, we are being supportive of GS8 and bio mom. I did his school clothes shopping for him yesterday as we usually do. After just going through the motions most days, that was kind of a fun little break.

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

Thank you so much for your kind words.  We are delighted that you are getting some support from CPS and bio Mom, and, of course, we are always here for you.  No one can do this alone.

I know you feel caught in the middle of this battle, but the most important issue is the safety and wellbeing of the children.  Everything else will fall into place eventually, and I pray your son overcomes his fear of uBPDDIL and realizes he does not have to live this way.

You too are showing strength and compassion, and your family is very lucky to have you. All we can do is focus on a positive outcome, one day at a time.  Is it easy... .no, but it has to be done.

Please take care of yourself through all of this and keep us posted. xxoo

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Elizabeth22,

Will CPS interview as part of their investigation?

Hi livednlearned

CPS finally interviewed GS8 last Friday at bio moms place. He told of further neglect from my son that we did not know about. He became very agitated when asked about UBPD DIL and said he did not want to talk about it. CPS told bio mom not to take GS8 back to my son on Monday after spending weekend with bio mom as per joint custody agreement that has been ruled on and is now an order. I havent talked to biomom is a few days. I think we are just both worn out from talking about it. CPS was supposed to call me this week to follow up on my report, but I havent heard anything yet. Apparently Friday's visit was fast-tracked due to my report.

CPS also subtley hinted to bio mom that she needs to go for full custody and told her that while they do not get involved in the family law aspect of things, they would need a subpoena to show up at a hearing for that (another hint).

When bio mom said that she should not bring GS8 back on Monday, I knew she had to work and said I would be happy to take GS8, but have been ordered to not call my son's house anymore, so I did not know how he would feel about that and I did not want to mess up her being able to tak GS8 more than stated in their agreement by risking making my son angry with her. She said she would casually mention that GS8 has been asking to see me and would it be ok? Never heard a thing after that, so I dont know if we are just both burned out talking about it or he said something cruel that she doesnt want to tell me or doesnt want to have to explain why she did not take my offer.

Bio mom said she is going for full custody. She has talked to her employer about changing her hours, etc.

Also, GS8's therapist went by bio mom's house on Friday, she does in home visits which were just resumed (after basically being canceled by my son and DIL, long story, I may have explained here). She has worked with my son and uBPD DIL before as well and stated my son is "ridiculous" for wanting to work out his marriage and not protect his son. She often did not speak up to them for fear of being fired by uBPD DIL, or that is what she relayed to bio mom. I am getting the feeling she knows DIL is BPD or something is very, very wrong in her head.

I also called GS8's school and told them of  the arrest (GS8 is special ed w/behavioral issues and they needed to  be informed - just in case and in case DIL tries to go to his school)  and an email was sent to the school psychologist by the secretary I talked to. More of uBPD DIL's shennanigans - School psychologist is for the district and since bio mom went to school here, they know each other. uBPD DIL told me school psychologist "could not stand" bio mom, blah blah after knowing her as a student. Now, of course this sounds stupid that a school psychologist would say such a thing, but I asked bio mom anyway - did you have any problems with school psychologist and told her what uBPD DIL said. Of course, the opposite is true and bio mom and school psychologist got along very well (bio mom was very troubled teen). When will the BS end? DIL's reach is far and insidious.

We are still reeling, I am feeling less angry and a lot more sad. Very sad. I miss my son. I wonder how he is. I wonder how GS3 is. Should I just pick up the phone and call? Have husband call? Cried a bit about it. Get teary eyed about it, feel depressed about it. Husband's therapist said I am going thru the stages of grief. So hard. But, ultimately I have decided to continue to respect the boundary.

Thanks for listening.

[Elizabeth22]

Elizabeth

Thank you so much for your kind words.  We are delighted that you are getting some support from CPS and bio Mom, and, of course, we are always here for you.  No one can do this alone.

I know you feel caught in the middle of this battle, but the most important issue is the safety and wellbeing of the children.  Everything else will fall into place eventually, and I pray your son overcomes his fear of uBPDDIL and realizes he does not have to live this way.

You too are showing strength and compassion, and your family is very lucky to have you. All we can do is focus on a positive outcome, one day at a time.  Is it easy... .no, but it has to be done.

Please take care of yourself through all of this and keep us posted. xxoo

Thank you, update posted   Hope you are well.

[Elizabeth22]

Somehow uBPD DIL got her criminal hearing fast tracked and it happened Thursday. Bio mom was not notified, CPS knows nothing. the police dont seem to know - since bio mom found out Fri afternoon when she picked up GS8 from my son and DIL was THERE with GS all day. Bio mom had no idea when sh dropped off GS Fri morning.

All agencies are advising ex parte (emergency) order for full/sole custody of GS8 to bio mom for Mon morning.

I am the most qualified person of any of us to draft it, I've done them before. I hate being in this position against my son. He didnt tell anyone his wife is back in the house. He did not give bio mom or GS a choice or even a warning re GS spendling all day Fri with his abuser.

When bio mom went to pick up GS8, uBPD DIL made her presence known by walking toward bio mom, stopping a few feet from her and giving her a dirty look and walking away. NO REMORSE at all.

I feel sick. I am sick. I am tired. I do not want to do this against my son, but there doesnt seem to be a choice.

Talked to GS8 Friday, he told me of more (prior) neglect by son and uBPD DIL, but he loves them both and doesnt want to be taken away from them. He was very agitated and aggressive for hours after being with her.

I am so distraught for everone involved. I have the emergency order drafted. I feel like such a traitor.  This may ruin my relationship with my son forevevr. But its what everyone says needs to be done. I did not want to do it but was asked by bio mom. Its not her fault my son put her and GS8 in this position on Friday.

This is HARD. Because I had to do the same exact thing to bio mom 5 years ago for my son and  grandson. Allegations of abuse from witnesses (her friends). GS, then 3, had inappropriate sexual knowledge for his age. Awful. This is a mess.

I do not want to do this, but it needs to be done ASAP, its the only way to protect GS8 from uBPD DIL until we can figure out what happened Thurs and if there is still a no contact order or not.

I have never been so torn in my life. I have been thinking of nothing but this since Friday when I found out. I have talked it over and over with my husband and he thinks its the right thing. Something just feels very wrong to me about me doing this. My husband offered to  do it, but I already got it done, no need for him to draft a brand new pleading. He offered to take responsibility for it. I refuse to lie about it. If I do it, I am taking responsibility for it because the only thing I can think of that is worse than betraying my son is doing and then lying about it.

In order to  protect my grandson, I have to betray my son. It feels terrible. I have such a bad feeling about it, really very bad, and cant figure out why.  I mean, if its the right thing, why does it feel so bad?

I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am not saying that to worry anyone, my husband works from home and is here in the house 24/7. I am safe and I am ok.

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

Wow!  You have every right to be tired and overwhelmed.  What a week.

I personally do not think you should contact your son.  Let the legal system do its job.  I am so happy that someone is finally listening, and, yes, it may be due to your involvement. Difficult but necessary, and you have done the right thing out of love.

As far as the school psychologist and bio mom goes, I would not take anything either of them says too seriously.  It has been many years, and frankly, they have totally different perspectives on how things went.  That is not unusual and it does not matter.  What matters is the present.

Hang in there.  God bless CPS and you.  Stay strong.

[lbjnltx]

I'm so sorry you are in this position at all Elizabeth. 

Maybe it would help if you could get another added layer of perspective in regards to going against/betraying your son.

I see here that you are protecting your son from possible charges of  neglect and abuse.  If GS is not removed from an abusive environment and something else happened your son could face charges as well.

I hope this helps ease your pain a bit.

lbjnltx

[Elizabeth22]

Hi  lbjnltx    MammaMia   Thank you both for the love   and it did ease my pain a bit. So generous of you.

My son lost custody today. Bio mom has complete phyiscal and decision making custody, visitation at her discretion. There's another hearing next month.

The prosecution realizes they handled the criminal case wrong and are  trying to correct it. My ex parte order is helping them do that.

CPS worker doesnt seem to have a clue. He has a "verbal safety plan" in place with Son and uBPD DIL, which pretty much says she is to stay out of everything regarding GS8, but CPS does not have a reason to believe she cannot live with GS8, there has to be another incident of violence.

I told him that agreement would not  be adhered to, that she already made 3rd party contact with GS8 via Son, in violation of her bail conditions, but the police could not verify.

And the uBPD DIL and my son prove me right, today. When bio mom filed the ex parte, she had to notify Son by phone to let him know she was doing it, standard protocol. uBPD DIL started calling bio mom and bio mom finally answere and DIL asked bio mom to not do this. Then uBPD DIL shows up IN THE COURT CLERK'S OFFICE while bio mom was just finding out the ex parte was granted and approached bio mom and tried to talk to her , again asking her not to do this, and said my son sent her to "fix it".

I dont even know what to think about that. They just agreed with CPS that she will not be invovled. And then this happened. Well, she's given us plenty of ammunition now, they both have.

I just want to tell my son I love him and I didnt do this becausee I hate him or anything like that. But today proved to me that ... .I don't know. What part of BPD behavior is that? Targeting her victim again? Thinking there are not consequences? She seems hyperfocuesed on this child. She could have said no to my son, if he really asked her. My son should have gone to court if he wanted to talk to bio mom. I am so confused.

Its very much a domestic violenc dynamic with my GS8 and uBPD DIL, I think. She is not going to give her what she perceives to be her control of him.

She did this under the guise of wanting to show bio mom here court paperwork from when her bail conditions were dropped. But she could have done that Friday when bio mom was there or over the weekend. I don't understand her real angle here.

[MammaMia]

Elizabeth

This is the part of BPD that is all about uBPD DIL. Because the disorder focuses on self above everyone and everything else, your uBPD DIL is hoping to talk bio mom into letting her have what she perceives as a "win". Getting her way.

Another aspect of BPD that is at play here, is that uBPD DIL will blame everyone but herself for the situation she now finds herself in.  Nothing is ever the fault of pwBPD.  They are ALWAYS the victim.

UBPD DIL will make promises that she may not intend to keep or is incapable of keeping, and other forms of manipulation, including intimidation and guilt. It may be wise for bio mom to consider a restraining order against her.

Your son and uBPD DIL have had many opportunities to change their behavior.  It has not happened. I have no idea why CPS would say it is ok for gs8 to live with his stepmother, which makes no sense.  It seems very irresponsible, given the fact this case is based on child abuse.

I am sorry this is so confusing and painful for you. That, too, is typical BPD behavior.

[madmom]

I have been following this post since the beginning.  I am so sorry that you had to make the choices you did.  Your grandson is the better for it, but I am sure your heart is breaking for your son.  Maybe, with time, your son can find a way to get the help he needs to be a better parent to both of his children.  In the meantime, know that I am thinking about you and wishing you better days ahead.  Please take care of yourself during this difficult time.  You are doing the best you can with the situation you have been given.

[Elizabeth22]

Thank you MammaMia and madmon   

I am just so stunned, I dont know where to go with this. I could not make up this stuff.

Ny husband had to go to the pharmacy today to pick up a few prescriptions. There was a bit of a wait so he sat down in one of the chairs.

Unbeknownst to him, he sat down next to uBPD DIL. He did not really look or recognize her.

She leaned into him and said in sad, self pitying voice "Its ok, you can sit next to me, I won't BITE you" (she was arrested for biting gs8). My husband became so enraged he just got up and said no and went over to the other side of the store. He realized he did not recognize her because she has changed her appearance and dyed her hair - and again, he wasn't looking at the people around  him. He came home very shaken and said she was just very creepy and disturbing.

I just cannot... .WTH? Is this a game? Is this funny? I do not get it.

She was still trying to contact bio mom via text yesterday. Not sure if we have enough for a restraining order yet for bio mom.

Is this person just going to screw with us every chance she gets? Neither my husband nor myself have said a word to her since about a few weeks before her arrest  IIRC.

What facet of BPD is this? Thank you.

[understandnow]

Elizabeth 22, I have been following you and have to say, I can relate to your relationship with your son.  I am going through the same thing with my uBPDdil and my son who I know will think of my actions with backing bio mom's emergency exparte as a betrayal.  Your story is sad but I am living it almost word for word.  My son is not talking to me at the moment because I am protecting my granddaughter against my Dil. My son also has asked to come home and retracted many times.  He has 3 other children with her. 

Please know you have my utmost support.  It feels like a betrayal to them.  I'm also heartbroken in having to make that terrible decision.