Advice for moving forward

[Pacify]

I have decided to try yet again to give this thing a go (against advice of many on this board). She does not know of BPD. The time we spent apart she just sat around at her house for six days doing nothing (and enjoying it, i believe).

The BPDgf claims she was just feeling crazy and unstable, under to much stress of relationship and new job so that is why we broke up. She claims it will never happen again .  Says if we just dont bring up the past our relationship will be just fine.

She is in treatment for duel diag w subst. abuse and  sofar therapists have told her she is confrontational and sensitive and she acknowledges this without anger.

My question is she doesnt want to spend the nights (we've lived together for 8 months)  so I want to bring up that I think she is maybe scared of commitment and this is why she also doesnt seem to want to bond emotionally. I want to try and help her understand some of the things that are going on w/o bringing up the BPD.

Any ideas, suggestions on how to do this or if i even should?

I am 100% this is her problem.  Im just hoping that maybe we can work through it with me knowing finally what is going on.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Don't offer solutions, just ask questions and listen. Ask if X may be linked to Y, don't tell her that you believe it does.

You can't fix her, you can't rescuer and above all you can't control her or allow her to get the perception you are trying to.

You can put the dots on the paper but she has to join them up.

You can't move forward simply by pressing restart hoping the past won't repeat itself if nothing else changes. Ignoring the past will prevent learning anything from it. Words and promises have little value on their own

[an0ught]

Welcome Pacify,

to the staying board. Please spend some time to familiarize yourself with the LESSONS at the top of the board - they are different from the leaving board.

Intimacy can be a problem in these relationships and it can also work just fine. It may help to build validation skills and get a better picture what is bothering her.

I am 100% this is her problem.  Im just hoping that maybe we can work through it with me knowing finally what is going on.

Knowing what goes on not always helps to fix it. There is not a root cause to BPD but there are learned unhealthy and often not learned healthy behaviors which are at odds with what is required for normal living. Learning behavior is quite often more guided by external structures/boundaries and good role models.

Again ,

a0

[maxsterling]

My advice for moving forward:  Take care of yourself, and recognize her behavior is beyond your control.  Since she has substance abuse issues, you may find it helpful to try going to an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting.  Going to those meetings was a real eye opener for me to see that I am not alone in dealing with someone who has substance abuse issues, and how difficult that is.

You may want to consider that she may not be emotionally capable of having a stable, long term relationship right now. 

[Pacify]

Thank you all for your advice.

Should I let her know I will never leave her so she feels she will not be abandoned but give her space so she doesnt feel I am controlling.  I think this is a big issue with her, she always needs to be in control, thus her needing space.

  She constantly overreacts to anything I bring up when trying to create a dialog to our relationship (feelings).

[waverider]

Thank you all for your advice.

Should I let her know I will never leave her so she feels she will not be abandoned but give her space so she doesnt feel I am controlling.

I would say you have "no intention" of leaving. Long term promises don't mean a lot to pwBPD as they are stuck in the now. So telling them how intensely you feel now is not only more honest but easier for them to believe. It also brings the focus back to the now rather than worrying about the long term

[an0ught]

Validating abandonment is difficult. Invalidating is easy. Be careful with promises, if doing use sparingly. It is after all very likely that you leave her or she leaves you. A truck could hit you tomorrow . So looking at your promise it is objectively a lie . Obviously you can't be trusted.

Generally promisses just fuel the fear. Now there are also cultural expectations which should not be totally ignored - that may raise other flags. Managing - without falling into JADE and without becoming controlling - expectations and meeting them is in the long run important.