Mutual triggers

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I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the manner in which I broke up with my BPDxbf because I didn't explain why I wanted to b/u and because I know I was running away from the emotions I experience when I have contact with him. Granted, my BPDxbf initiated the b/up when I tried to set a boundary around the amount of text contact we have. However, I decided not to appease him even though I knew it was just a tantrum that could have been overcome. I decided to agree with him when he said that reconciliation was impossible because too much had happened between us, even though I knew he'd be amenable to persuasion and didn't really want to b/u. So, in effect, I chose to b/u with him instead of make-up. And it was, ostensibly, over a small issue, contact by text. Of course, it was actually about so much more.

The thing is, I have got to the point when any contact with my BPDxbf is triggering anxiety in me. Even the most innocent of texts is a trigger for me. I'd got to the point when I dreaded the text alert on my phone. Every text he sent me felt like a DEMAND to me and I just wanted to get away. We talked about limiting contact due to my anxiety levels, but that didn't seem to have any effect, so I hatched a plan whereby I'd only have to deal with his texts twice a day, but that didn't work either. Instead it led to our breaking up.

I had some email contact with my BPDxbf this morning and my immediate reaction to just seeing his name on my email account, was extreme anxiety bordering on panic. I wanted to run away as fast as I could. Am I really running away from love? And if I am, will I always run away if someone loves me whomever he is? You see, I have 'good reasons' to not get involved with my BPDxbf based upon a logical assessment of who he is. But, I have my doubts. What if my judgement is clouded by the fact my mother was invasive and smothering and I became enmeshed with her to the extent I couldn't tell where she left off and I began? What if this is fear of enmeshment and I am not seeing him as clearly as I think I am? Will I always have 'good reasons' for avoiding love whomever I am with? Will I ever have the courage to love or will I always have a desperate need to run away from it?

My BPxbf has frequently said I push him away and it is true, I do. I feel invaded by him and I fear what he will take from me. He says I am always angry with him and that is true too. I feel that he takes from me far more than he gives and I feel depleted and taken advantage of. Yet, I am not sure that his levels of communication were unreasonable. Once he simply said "Couples communicate!" and he has a point. I'm not even sure that he actually takes more than he gives back. I can be okay with giving comfort on one occasion, yet on another, I react to the fact I have a need at the time that is neither acknowledged nor met.

I think the situation with my BPDxbf has developed in such a way that he is a permanent trigger for me yet I am struggling to access the core pain that it is triggering. I don't think my BPDxbf's behaviour warrants my reaction to him and it is probably my reaction that is triggering him in the first place. We are caught in a viscious cycle of mutual triggers to such an extent that the triggers have taken over. I think that's really sad but I don't know what to do about it. You see, I think he actually does love me and part of his pulling away is the fact that I actually love him. I don't think he's using me just for comfort. I struggle with knowing that I just don't have the emotional control to bring peace to this situation. I am adding to the dysregulation rather than minimising it and I have no confidence in my own ability to learn the necessary skills or gain the necessary control to improve matters. I'm pretty sad that this has been the outcome to an otherwise promising situation. What should I do?

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the manner in which I broke up with my BPDxbf because I didn't explain why I wanted to b/u and because I know I was running away from the emotions I experience when I have contact with him. Granted, my BPDxbf initiated the b/up when I tried to set a boundary around the amount of text contact we have. However, I decided not to appease him even though I knew it was just a tantrum that could have been overcome. I decided to agree with him when he said that reconciliation was impossible because too much had happened between us, even though I knew he'd be amenable to persuasion and didn't really want to b/u. So, in effect, I chose to b/u with him instead of make-up. And it was, ostensibly, over a small issue, contact by text. Of course, it was actually about so much more.

The thing is, I have got to the point when any contact with my BPDxbf is triggering anxiety in me. Even the most innocent of texts is a trigger for me. I'd got to the point when I dreaded the text alert on my phone. Every text he sent me felt like a DEMAND to me and I just wanted to get away. We talked about limiting contact due to my anxiety levels, but that didn't seem to have any effect, so I hatched a plan whereby I'd only have to deal with his texts twice a day, but that didn't work either. Instead it led to our breaking up.

I had some email contact with my BPDxbf this morning and my immediate reaction to just seeing his name on my email account, was extreme anxiety bordering on panic. I wanted to run away as fast as I could. Am I really running away from love? And if I am, will I always run away if someone loves me whomever he is? You see, I have 'good reasons' to not get involved with my BPDxbf based upon a logical assessment of who he is. But, I have my doubts. What if my judgement is clouded by the fact my mother was invasive and smothering and I became enmeshed with her to the extent I couldn't tell where she left off and I began? What if this is fear of enmeshment and I am not seeing him as clearly as I think I am? Will I always have 'good reasons' for avoiding love whomever I am with? Will I ever have the courage to love or will I always have a desperate need to run away from it?

My BPxbf has frequently said I push him away and it is true, I do. I feel invaded by him and I fear what he will take from me. He says I am always angry with him and that is true too. I feel that he takes from me far more than he gives and I feel depleted and taken advantage of. Yet, I am not sure that his levels of communication were unreasonable. Once he simply said "Couples communicate!" and he has a point. I'm not even sure that he actually takes more than he gives back. I can be okay with giving comfort on one occasion, yet on another, I react to the fact I have a need at the time that is neither acknowledged nor met.

I think the situation with my BPDxbf has developed in such a way that he is a permanent trigger for me yet I am struggling to access the core pain that it is triggering. I don't think my BPDxbf's behaviour warrants my reaction to him and it is probably my reaction that is triggering him in the first place. We are caught in a viscious cycle of mutual triggers to such an extent that the triggers have taken over. I think that's really sad but I don't know what to do about it. You see, I think he actually does love me and part of his pulling away is the fact that I actually love him. I don't think he's using me just for comfort. I struggle with knowing that I just don't have the emotional control to bring peace to this situation. I am adding to the dysregulation rather than minimising it and I have no confidence in my own ability to learn the necessary skills or gain the necessary control to improve matters. I'm pretty sad that this has been the outcome to an otherwise promising situation. What should I do?

Lifewriter

[fromheeltoheal]

What should I do?

Decide what you really want and need in a relationship, then decide if you could ever get it from him sustainably, then act accordingly.

If he does exhibit traits of the disorder it's no surprise you're anxious, the old 'walking on eggshells', the psychological fallout of being emotionally enmeshed with mental illness.  You can dig and try and find deep rooted issues from your past that are the cause, but maybe it is all him, if he does indeed have a personality disorder.  The way borderlines attach to make themselves whole, and the skill they have at it since it's survival-based, gets it's hooks in us deep, touches our core, much more than other relationships because of the way a borderline's wired.  That can trigger all kinds of stuff in us, the early stuff that got hardwired when we were tots, and we can then label ourselves broken and in need of healing, or we can just learn a whole lot about ourselves, motivated by pain, and realize it doesn't have to be this much work, the key is meeting someone we gel well with and running with it, they've got deep-seated stuff too, and so what, the relationship either works or it doesn't.  What if there are two kinds of people, the ones who bring us up and the ones who bring us down; life's too short to make room for the downers.

One man's opinion... .

[Lifewriter16]

That's a refreshingly simple perspective and all the more powerful because of it.

My BPDxbf and I exchanged more emails last night. I told him I had issues with his 'unkind words' (aka verbal abuse) and that unkind words were a deal breaker for me. I thought I'd concentrate upon just one issue and see what happened. He gave me a very long explanation as to why he does it followed by an apology that amounted to little more than 'I'm sorry I hurt you but you ... .'. It wasn't the kind of acknowledgement that I'd hoped for. It was the BPD-type of apology I read about in another post only yesterday. But, I am pleased that I have told him that I have issue with this disrespectful behaviour and now I know how he would have responded.

My BPDxbf told me that his deal breaker was me getting angry and pointing out his errors when he makes a mistake because he is trying so hard to change. Given that he perceives anger in me whether it's there I not, I take that to mean, don't ever tell me if I upset you. So, the deal is broken already because I can't live like that and I think it would be unhealthy to try to.

We went all round the houses until I was completely confused about what he wanted and he was completely confused about what I wanted.

Eventually, he said that he didn't want a relationship with me because he couldn't cope with being closer to me than just being friends. I explained what I have observed about the mutual triggering and why I thought that wouldn't cease by being 'friends'. I said I didn't want to try it. I suggested we do the most loving thing we can do for each other and let go with love.

What do I want in a relationship? Mutual love and respect in an environment of CALM!

Can I get that from my BPDxbf? A big fat 'NO'!

Thanks for this, fromheeltoheal... .I've been doing too much navel gazing recently and getting bogged down in guilt, yet again.

Love Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

And here is the final chapter... .

In further emails this morning, my BPDxbf has told me that he doesn't 'buy' what I've said to him about contacting him to seek resolution and said that he thinks my only reason for contacting him could be that I wanted to get back together with him. He said I am refusing to be his friend because I want a relationship instead. He sent me an angry text saying he never wants to hear from me again and not to bother replying because he has blocked my email address.

Why did I do what I did? I contacted him because I needed to give it one last chance. I hoped beyond hope that he would prove that my negative assessment of him was incorrect and he would come through for me. I hoped I had got him wrong. I hadn't. He heard nothing I said, nothing about the mutual triggers, nothing about the difficulties we face, nothing that I think would make it easier to bear the sadness and the tragedy of the situation. In the process, I 'caused' him more pain. Given that, was I justified in what I did? I don't know, but I have a greater understanding now and I think it will help me to move on. I can now see that he couldn't allow himself to believe anything that contradicts his black and white thinking and his view of himself. It wasn't that he couldn't understand what I said to him. He clearly understood but he couldn't accept it because that would have been too painful for him. In the end, he needed to get the last word in and be the one who rejected me. He couldn't let go in love, he had to let go in anger. His illness allowed no other way. Now, I understand. It truly is tragic.

[Sunfl0wer]

You already have fantastic advice here, I have no more advice to add to what Fromheeltoheal has expressed already.

I just wanted to say that the mutual triggering is what happened in my r/s as well.  I have PTSD and his inability to say what he means, respect boundaries, have emotions that are relevant/congruent to the circumstances, and more... ., often triggered my past trauma and then added to it.

My desire to address conflict open and honestly, caused him narcissistic injury, made him not trust me and eventually he was fearful of me as he displayed counter transference upon me of his ex.  Our T was aware that we were both mutually triggering the other.

It still baffles my mind.

We both loved one another dearly.  We both wanted a r/s greatly.  So it just is something that baffles me that this triggering is a huge thing that got in the way of two very good and compatible people who love one another... .but cannot be in a r/s together.  The cycles of triggering got stronger and got closer until he literally hid out in another room from me to avoid the pain in his head.(which he thought and still thinks is me) (I did nothing to legitimately cause him fear... .his ex was out to destroy him... .not me.)

Sorry you are going through this! It sucks!

[Sunfl0wer]

He clearly understood but he couldn't accept it because that would have been too painful for him. In the end, he needed to get the last word in and be the one who rejected me. He couldn't let go in love, he had to let go in anger. His illness allowed no other way. Now, I understand. It truly is tragic.

Same here.  The story I'm sure he tells himself is that he HAD to leave because he feared me, I was dangerous!  He has villianized me in his own way with the use of his delusional fear.

[Lifewriter16]

Yes, Sunfl0wer, it really does suck. My BPDxbf is a good man who had a rotten childhood where he went through unspeakable horrors. He has PTSD on top of BPD. Early on in our relationship, I was able to support him through some nasty flashbacks but as we became closer and closer, the shadows of the past came between us and bred fear and distrust. My BPDxbf deserves love and he deserves happiness. I pray that one day he will find them. Unfortunately, I won't be the person he finds them with.

I end with a heartfelt prayer for him... .

And thanks to you... .I always felt some affinity with your posts.

Love Lifewriter x

[Sunfl0wer]

 

Early on in our relationship, I was able to support him through some nasty flashbacks but as we became closer and closer, the shadows of the past came between us and bred fear and distrust.

I wonder if you had a similar experience as myself... .

When I met my ex... .  So much was working out so well.  There were no signs of any dysfunction between us at all.  He was in the midst of wrapping up legal stuff from his divorce that first 1-2yrs we were together.  Looking back... .I see that our first 1-2 yrs was actually a triangulation of a sort.  I perceived him as a victim of his ex.  I saw him a bit skittish about things and identified it as a type of trauma that r/s with his ex... .that I was assisting him to navigate.  I was teaching him skills as a "fellow PTSD" person, including helping him stand up to me when I noticed he would be overly passive.

Well, after we moved in and had several court issues behind us... .in my mind I transitioned to the thought: "Now it is time for BF and SF to take charge leading their futures" vs just damage control from his ex.  After I took this approach to our r/s is when he was no longer a victim in my mind... .but a leader... .that is when he felt I was no longer on his side.  I began holding him responsible for his interactions with his ex vs just coaching him.(the actions he permitted were harmful to us all). I wanted him to champion US vs remain "her ex."  In the end... .I believe he is just more comfortable in that victim role... .where no one will hold him responsible. 

Wow that was longer than I intended... .

So the question is... .

Was there a point in you pr r/s that there was a shift in expectations and you feel with that shift... .you became the trigger?

Thanks for the love Lifewriter! 

 

[fromheeltoheal]

He couldn't let go in love, he had to let go in anger. His illness allowed no other way. Now, I understand. It truly is tragic.

Yes, it is tragic, and even more so for us because we want to fix something that can't be fixed.

There's no way a borderline can let go in love because 'love' to a borderline means that unhealthy fusing of psyches to make a whole, so a borderline can feel 'complete', so how could you possibly let that go and still have it?  A borderline's head would explode trying.  And the only other option is anger, it has to be you you you, because the alternative is accepting some responsibility for the demise of the relationship which would result in debilitating shame.  So anger it is.

He sent me an angry text saying he never wants to hear from me again and not to bother replying because he has blocked my email address.

Well there you go then, he made it easy in that sense.  Although as we know that probably won't be the last you hear from him.

The challenge many of us have when these relationships end is giving ourselves closure, since we don't usually get it to our satisfaction from a borderline.  Creating our own closure can be very powerful though, once we give ourselves time and distance and take our power back a little; it might start with acceptance of his mental illness completely.  He didn't cause it, he didn't want it, he can't fix it, and neither can anyone else.  Sad that, but it is what it is, and although we all played our parts in the relationship, most of the blame can be assigned to the disorder; he lost, you lost, the disorder was the only winner.  Complete acceptance of that can assuage the self-doubt and the 'what-if' ruminating, as we shift the focus from our ex to ourselves, the valuable lessons learned, and our bright future.

[Lifewriter16]

Was there a point in you pr r/s that there was a shift in expectations and you feel with that shift... .you became the trigger?

Definitely Sunfl0wer. I had previous experience of PTSD of my own and so was well placed to help him with his PTSD symptoms. A few months in, I started to think what about me? What about my needs? I started to feel invisible to him and basically used for comfort. It was when I started talking to him about this that everything started to go wrong. Whilst I was well placed to help him with PTSD, I was not at all experienced with BPD. I know now that my way of expressing my needs probably aggravated matters. At the time, it felt like a fight for life, if I didn't fight for my right to survive, I would dissolve into a puddle on the floor never to be seen again.

There's no way a borderline can let go in love because 'love' to a borderline means that unhealthy fusing of psyches to make a whole, so a borderline can feel 'complete', so how could you possibly let that go and still have it?  A borderline's head would explode trying.  And the only other option is anger, it has to be you you you, because the alternative is accepting some responsibility for the demise of the relationship which would result in debilitating shame.  So anger it is.

That's a really helpful explanation, thank you fromheeltoheal.

although we all played our parts in the relationship, most of the blame can be assigned to the disorder; he lost, you lost, the disorder was the only winner

Yes. A sad reality, but at least I understand now. :'(

Love Lifewriter