Narcissistic wound/injury

[zipline]

In my therapy, I'm trying to work beyond the relationship my exgf (I was subject to extreme cutoff, NC, inappropriate timing, no real reasons, etc) and learn about why I so willingly dove into this relationship, why I stayed through considerable incidents, and why this breakup in particular is so devastating to me.  

We're talking about my childhood and my family dynamics. My father was surly a narcissist to some degree and my mother reinforced that by being emotionally absent.  My relationship with my father is something I've struggled with for decades.  He was completely unable to mirror me as a child and all interactions were about mirroring him. I learned that my emotions were not something worth showing because they were always clamped down on -- too much joy, too much anger, too much sadness, etc, were all bad things and emotions needed to be kept in check for him to feel comfortable. I had thought that I had gotten somewhere with these behaviors as an adult, but maybe not.  

Yesterday my therapist suggested that I had "narcissistic wound" caused by my inability to develop a strong independent self as a child. That praise and attention from my father was bound up in my ability to mirror him and that there was no real reciprocal action on his part. He loved me, yes, as does my mother, but they did not nurture me.  My therapist said that my recent relationship cut to the very core of my being through this wound.

I'm trying to understand this and am wondering if anyone else feels they identify with this "narcissistic wound" idea.  

I'm also trying to understand if, in fact, having this wound means that I am a narcissist (NPD). I definitely have some tendencies. One of the symptoms is fantasies of "ideal or perfect love." For sure I had this with my exgf throughout our relationship.  Of course, I'm on this forum because I believe she's uBPD and she most certainly love bombed me at the beginning. But I loved it and jumped right in with her. But maybe both are true? I think I have empathy? When she was hurting, I most certainly felt it and hurt with her.    

Edit: I just searched online and found https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_abuse  This is pretty much what my childhood was like. 

[once removed]

hey zipline,

"narcissism" is a word that gets thrown around a lot. it has healthy, neutral, and negative connotations.

narcissism relates to our ego, and the parts of it, like the lonely child, and the punitive parent. a great deal of what wounds a person is related to our ego. ego, as in part of your psyche, not simple pride.

what is healthy narcissism? taking care of yourself and your needs. self awareness, introspection, reflection.

what is neutral narcissism? realizing you are an autonomous person separate from others.

what is unhealthy narcissism? too much focus on self. a fragile identity. perfectionism. a false self. an attitude that others are an extension of you, or even vice versa.

i did have narcissistic wounds coming out of my relationship. some of that was natural, and some of it was unhealthy. none of that means i or you are "a narcissist" or npd. and by the way, narcissism is a trait, that all of us have, that exists on a spectrum. it varies in degree. i know some people i might describe as very narcissistic, but i certainly wouldnt diagnose them with npd. personally im more narcissistic and less narcissistic depending on the subject.

im very sorry about your childhood and what you experienced. thats very hard. youre not alone in connecting your wounds to your childhood. im glad you realize your parents loved you, despite showing it imperfectly. it sounds like youre really digging in and getting to the bottom of this in therapy, and i think that will get you very far in your recovery. 

[zipline]

Thanks, once removed. That is very helpful feedback.

[nobody]

Im afraid I am in the same boat. Although  my relationship  is over, Im  still at  odds with myself over what  brought me to the  attraction( and  addiction) to my BPD ex. Yes, addiction.  The dopemine  that I experienced at the beginning of the relationship was  the hook that brought me in and has continued to this day.

I am reading the book " How to  break your addiction to a person" which has thrown a new light on  the  subject of  my hook. I realize now that I have been searching for  healing from the lack of  love/nurturing from my parents,  Obviously,  looking for that healing  from my ex, a BPD, was about as wrong as it could get. She, in turn, was also  looking  for healing  from the lack of  nurturing  and failure to thrive syndrome brought on by her mother( her whole family is  quite nuts).

It was a vicious cycle.  I was looking  for  love and affection, she was  looking for acceptance.  When she didn't return love, I  got frustrated, then angry, then withheld the love and acceptance, which in turn ignited her into her BPD swings. You could  turn that part around, too.

It makes me  very sad to think that we might have loved each other and actually healed each other had we both known what we were dealing with  and how to connect with each other on the basis of us being hurt  as children.  We just didn't have a clue and had no tools, really,  for my hurt. I saw  the hurt in her as a child. I wish I had been able to  do more to support her. But I didn't get a return  of affection, which  drove me to frustration  and anger.

She called me a narcissist. Now, I wonder if I really am.

[jhkbuzz]

It makes me  very sad to think that we might have loved each other and actually healed each other... .

I saw how wounded my ex was and believed that the sheer depth and strength of my love could help her heal. This was a terrible mistake on my part. No one can heal anyone else. I am responsible for my healing and she is responsible for hers; the idea that an abundance of love can heal someone else is a fallacy.

I believed this fallacy for a long time because I have a tendency to take on too much responsibility for the emotions of other people - it's a FOO issue for me.

Don't torture yourself with those kinds of "what if" thoughts.

[zipline]

She called me a narcissist. Now, I wonder if I really am.

Totally. In my journal I recently wrote:

She called me a narcissist and in her mind i'm sure I was. A narcissist cannot show empathy, and her mind was incapable of truly believing that I empathized with her or cared for her.

I don't think she is narcissist (as in a disorder) and I don't think I am either. But when one person cannot, for whatever reason, believe that your empathy is real, then there's really no difference. It's been worthwhile for me to explore this idea in therapy.   

[Madison66]

I believe I understand what you are saying about "wounds" as a child and looking inward to put the spotlight on yourself to question if you are narcissistic, OCD, BPD, etc.  The one thing I learned from the three year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf is that she didn't have the ability to look inward objectively and then outward to others in an empathetic way.  What I'm saying is that you may have narcissistic traits like we all do, but are not NPD by nature of your own self examination and questioning your actions, beliefs, traits, treatment of other, etc.  Those are the antithesis of NPD and probably more in line with co-dependency.  Again, I lived and experienced strong NPD traits with my ex gf and can tell you there is no rational way to explain the utter lack of empathy I saw day to day with her. 

I give you huge credit for looking inward and my suggestion is to work on cutting yourself a break to free up the energy to heal and detach.  I'm going on nineteen months out of the r/s and the amount of life lessons I've learned from that r/s will stay with me for a lifetime in a good and healthy way.  Keep looking inward to find your own self love and acceptance, and move on to live, love, laugh and learn again. 

[zipline]

Thanks, Madison66. Good advice to cut myself a break. It's a challenge for me sometimes but very worth working on.

[Visitor]

I give you huge credit for looking inward and my suggestion is to work on cutting yourself a break to free up the energy to heal and detach.  I'm going on nineteen months out of the r/s and the amount of life lessons I've learned from that r/s will stay with me for a lifetime in a good and healthy way.  Keep looking inward to find your own self love and acceptance, and move on to live, love, laugh and learn again. 

Wise words and a great thread to read.

[Butterflygirl]

I don't think she is narcissist (as in a disorder) and I don't think I am either. But when one person cannot, for whatever reason, believe that your empathy is real, then there's really no difference. It's been worthwhile for me to explore this idea in therapy.   

A pure narcissist is not the same as someone with narcissistic tendencies. I like to use the term "situational narcissist" to describe the person who does have a narcissistic wound and acts out sometimes and not others. My son has BPD but over the years therapists have also said he is codependent with his friends. Interesting combination.

 

[Visitor]

She called me a narcissist and in her mind i'm sure I was. A narcissist cannot show empathy, and her mind was incapable of truly believing that I empathized with her or cared for her.

 

Yes yes these disordered people love to throw out the narcissist card. This usually comes back right ofter you tell them the are a borderline. They just love to bat that big old borderline ball right back across the net at you 

The disordered female I was with did exactly the same although I was already on the narcissistic train by that time.

Butterfly girl sums it up above when she says that a person with a narcissistic personality disorder should not be confused with somebody who is displaying narcissistic traits.

To sum it up you are narcissistic you are not A narcissist.

I am narcissistic which is interfering with my adult relationships. The good news is your behaviour can be caught and dealt with. I'm not sure it ever goes away but it can definitely be improved GREATLY.