Thank you, introduction and a question

[Depression = 72% of members]

First off, hello and thank you for existing.

I've been lurking this forum for a little while and I can't even fully describe how much help your discussions have been. For a year I thought I'm pathetic, childish and just plain weak person for feeling so bad over a relationship with a BPD man that lasted only 6 months.

After reading your posts I did the things I should have done a long time ago, I blocked him on FB, got rid of the Spotify playlists I made during and after the awful relationship, I will get rid of the gifts... .I only intend to keep the journal I wrote when I was dealing with the breakup, it will be useful some day.

The last contact I had with him was in February and I hope it will be the very last. If he contacts me, I now know not to reply. Thank you, everyone.

Of course, now that I can finally stop beating myself up, I have a question. How many of you have dated BPD people more than once?

How likely is it that one day, when I decide to start dating again (not anytime soon, as I have mental health issues of my own), I become entangled with yet another man with a personality disorder?

This is not exactly a very good question, because you obviously don't know me and even if you did it would still be hard to say.

I can reveal that my father probably has some un-diagnosed personality disorder and his antisocial behavior is more familiar to me than healthy, social behavior and my BPDex was like a magnet with his hot/cold, push/pull. However he was the first beau to act like this in a relationship, and I don't feel like I have a clear pattern of dating emotionally distant men. I know there is no clear answer, but I'd be really happy to hear how your dating habits changed or if you ended up with another disordered person.

Thank you once again for everything.

[McKenzie]

First off, hello and thank you for existing.

I've been lurking this forum for a little while and I can't even fully describe how much help your discussions have been. For a year I thought I'm pathetic, childish and just plain weak person for feeling so bad over a relationship with a BPD man that lasted only 6 months.

After reading your posts I did the things I should have done a long time ago, I blocked him on FB, got rid of the Spotify playlists I made during and after the awful relationship, I will get rid of the gifts... .I only intend to keep the journal I wrote when I was dealing with the breakup, it will be useful some day.

The last contact I had with him was in February and I hope it will be the very last. If he contacts me, I now know not to reply. Thank you, everyone.

Of course, now that I can finally stop beating myself up, I have a question. How many of you have dated BPD people more than once?

How likely is it that one day, when I decide to start dating again (not anytime soon, as I have mental health issues of my own), I become entangled with yet another man with a personality disorder?

This is not exactly a very good question, because you obviously don't know me and even if you did it would still be hard to say.

I can reveal that my father probably has some un-diagnosed personality disorder and his antisocial behavior is more familiar to me than healthy, social behavior and my BPDex was like a magnet with his hot/cold, push/pull. However he was the first beau to act like this in a relationship, and I don't feel like I have a clear pattern of dating emotionally distant men. I know there is no clear answer, but I'd be really happy to hear how your dating habits changed or if you ended up with another disordered person.

Thank you once again for everything.

[klacey3]

Hello,

To answer your question, as you say you have not had a habit of dating emotionally distant men and you are aware of BPD, I would say it is unlikely. However it depends on how you see the situation  If you dont want to date another person with BPD I dont think you will as you will spot the red flags and run. However if the things that drew you to a BPD person still draws you in perhaps you may be tempted.

[FannyB]

Hi Mckenzie


Sorry that your ex put you through a lot of pain but glad you've emerged from it all now.

By my reckoning I've had 3 BPD relationships (all before I found this forum) - others on these boards have too. At least you recognise the Family Of Origin issues that may have caused your attraction to your ex which will hopefully help you avoid similar mistakes in the future. 

There is a board on building healthy relationships on here that can help us going forward. It's great that you're taking your time before dating again as that's a positive first step to avoiding history repeating itself.


Fanny

[Tim300]

Sorry that you've gone through this, and congrats for moving forward. 

My opinion on your question is that it's very unlikely that this will happen to you again.  I think that for people who are aware of BPD (which now includes both you and me), we know enough about it to be able to spot it within a couple months at most (timing will vary based on how much time you spend together, etc.).  If you weren't aware of BPD and didn't have time to conceptualize it and read all about it, then I could see the possibility of entering more of these types of relationships -- you might even be more susceptible because you'd begin to think BPDisms are just normal behavior.  Anyhow, to the extent you can stomach it and it's necessary, I would read up on BPD so you know what signs to look for.  I actually don't believe much in the theory that certain nons are much more vulnerable than others to falling for pwBPD; rather I think most people simply get blindsided when the pwBPD manifests the BPD traits.

[Mutt]

Hi McKenzie,



I'm happy you chose to join after lurking   I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you're self aware and I think that works in your favor? It helps to all to members that share similar experiences. We can identify what areas in our r/s patterns that we can work on to have healthier r/s's moving forward.

Welcome to the family  


----Mutt

[McKenzie]

Thank you for your replies. I suppose it makes sense to tell more about the relationship and how I got in it.

He is 10 years older than me, but we met in the same university. I had just been dumped by a guy who did a disappearing act on me and my now-ex approached me. He was handsome, still is, and not too long after my break up we started dating. He told me he has BPD, but is "really level" and has the disorder under control. I believed him.

The honeymoon/idealization lasted for two weeks. After that his depression took over and I totally understood it, being depressed myself. I wanted to be his support.

What happened next were accusations of cheating, not being attracted to him, lying to him... .We broke up once but after a couple of days I practically begged him to take me back and he did.

Like I wrote above the relationship lasted 6 months and the majority of it was FOG, me being the nanny of his insecurities. I was so addicted, couldn't leave or even express my unhappiness, no matter how disrespectful or obnoxious he was. When I did, it was from his initiative, yet he was shocked when I said I need to come over to get my things.

My fallout began instantly and paired with my depression I hit the rock bottom. We didn't go NC immediately and it turned out to be a horrible mistake: I saw how happy he is without me and how he moved on very quickly (no replacement rs though) and he couldn't understand my feelings and how hurt I was. I raged at him, went NC, blamed myself for everything, for being a silly little broken girl who doesn't know how to have relationships. My therapist has been there for me, reminding me that relationships need two people.

I feel that I'm past the cold turkey and no longer crave his attention. I still think about him often, every day to be exact, but it's no longer about the things I did wrong, but the things he did wrong. I'm not angry anymore and I don't hate him. I'm not planning to have another relationship anytime soon, I need to focus on myself, my wellbeing and especially the burden of my father relationship, which is very real.

Like klacey said, the temptation will probably always be there. I consider myself a recovering addict and the tendency for addictions will never quite disappear. Thanks for FannyB mentioning that there is a board for success stories and new relationships as well. Mutt and Tim, I will do my best educating myself and becoming more aware of the dysfunctional dating patterns I may have. Thank you once again.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was so addicted, couldn't leave or even express my unhappiness, no matter how disrespectful or obnoxious he was.

Oh, I know the feeling well, and it does feel like an addiction.  Borderlines need to attach to survive, that unhealthy psychic fusing to make them whole, and since it's survival a borderline gets very good at it.  And then, for their own reasons and due to the disorder it proves unsustainable so it gets taken away from us.  If we grew up feeling unloved that feeling feels exactly like the conditions of our youth so it's a big trigger, hardwired into us, and chasing something we can't have and can't get back to feels like an addiction.  Compare with healthy love, a slow burn that strengthens with time and is replenishing, even invigorating, not depleting and tense.

I saw how happy he is without me and how he moved on very quickly (no replacement rs though) and he couldn't understand my feelings and how hurt I was.

A borderline does the facade of 'happy' very well, a response to negative feelings ("I'm happy dammit!" and as an attachment tool.  We all do that to some extent BTW, but the more intense the need the more intense the happy.  And someone who is focused mostly on their own pain and is emotionally arrested isn't going to understand us or acknowledge our pain, another reason being there is no way to acknowledge it without feeling somewhat responsible, which would result in melting into a puddle of shame.  I was going completely insane, absolutely on the verge of losing it entirely and she had no idea why I left, her last words to me being "I'm sorry you're not having a good time right now."  Perfect.

but it's no longer about the things I did wrong, but the things he did wrong. I'm not angry anymore and I don't hate him. I'm not planning to have another relationship anytime soon, I need to focus on myself, my wellbeing and especially the burden of my father relationship, which is very real.

Good move, and as you move through the process the next steps might include what you did right and what you're going to do right in the future and he won't be part of the conversation at all.  To answer your original question, when we learn about the disorder along with focus on our own stuff to the point of at least being aware of our triggers, and most importantly develop the ability to stay centered within our boundaries and constantly in touch with our gut feel, chances are low that we go down that path again, and if we do shame on us, because we did know better.  And how cool would it be to meet someone we can have frank, open, honest conversations with, express our vulnerability, and get a lot of validation and empathy, which we then reciprocate?  Helpful to know what a healthy relationship looks like, and then ask which version of myself do I need to show up as to enter such bliss.  Empowering focus.