Currently married to uBPDh, not sure if staying is best for our child

[SpinsC]

I've been married about 11 years. I knew there were red flags all over the situation when I was still dating him. I honestly felt like I had to marry him to prove that I did care about him. It was so soon after we met I had a hard time calling it love.

The further we got into marriage, the harder it was. I was able to justify a lot of it because of DH's disability, the fact that he had custody of teen-agers from the first marriage, our own difficulties in relationships before meeting, oh so many things I blamed for why he reacted the way he did to so many topics.

I'm tired. I've started seeking help to understand if I'm the disordered one. I'm sure I have my issues, but it appears DH is a classic BPD except for the suicidal tendencies. I've tried making the whole house support his moods and whims. Both of his children are grown, one is out of the house. The other fights with his dad all the time. Now we have our own child, much younger than the others. Our youngest takes a LOT of energy and time and effort. DH doesn't have time or tollerence for DS.

We have lots of issues which are easily explained by normal life, but some of these issues I face with DH are straight out of the BPD and I'm tired of trying to figure out HOW to reassure him enough that I love him, that I am ok with our life (sometimes I am SO NOT OK) and that I'll never, ever, ever leave him (Can't say it outright, I'd be lying. Anything short is 'beating around the bush'.

What scares me is that I have a growing list of medical concerns. All of them seem to be exacerbated by stress and I don't know how to reduce the stress I feel being constantly vigilant with a high-energy, high-needs child and a demanding, high-needs husband. I'm getting no support for the medical concerns, was even asked last night if I'm getting sick just to keep husband 'at bay'. Really. Sad and lonely, too. I didn't know marriage could hurt like this.

I don't know if I am making any sense. I'll offer help if I can. I'm asking for help if you can. Thank you.

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[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome!

I've dealt with some of the issues you seem to be dealing with, as have others on this board. Not everyone on this board had dealt with step family issues though, and I also have that added into the mix. BPDh has four adult kids, three of whom had me(the girls), and the added stress of that and his BPD traits, and how he painted me black after they did(they also have strong BPD traits) almost cost us our marriage.

My husband is in treatment now, and things are a lot better. He's also medicated, and this time he isn't threatening to go off it. It's so hard when they don't want to admit they have an issue, and in lots of cases of pwBPD, that is the case.

Read the tools to the right of this page, and see if how you react to him makes a difference. I had mixed results using the tools, some worked, some I had to slightly modify, but none of them made the huge different that his DBT therapy and meds have. I'm just so thankful.

Also, being with someone with those traits has a tendency to make us question if it is us with the issue. I did that, and I certainly picked up a few "fleas" just from being so exposed to him. I'm going to get back into personal therapy, so I can work through some of the anger I have over lots of the things he's done to me over the last four years. I don't rage like him, or utterly disrespect him, but inside I'm having trouble forgiving him for choices he forced me to make, and ways he treated me, and sometimes we do fight now because I'm still hurt and resentful. I need to work on that.  Therapy can be a huge lifesaver when you are in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder.

You will have to learn(if you already haven't), to look after yourself too in this situation. Being with them can take so much, and we often put our mental health aside. With me, like you, it started affecting my actual physical health too. That was a game changer for me, and I started making conscious choices to really focus on me, not just him and his moods all the time.

Hugs to you, and hang in there, and know you are not alone.