Call me an idiot...

[confounded]

... .but I wrote my friend an email today.

I found out today that my friend is/has been working at a place right next to where I live - an art gallery that I and my wife have sometimes gone to*. So far our paths haven't crossed, but it's only a matter of time before it happens, given the situation. Since I'm not going to avoid the gallery just because she's there, or change the path I take to my place from work (which goes past the gallery), I tried to extend the olive branch in the hopes that she wouldn't freak out if we bumped into each other. In my mail I said that much has gone wrong between us, but I hope that we can one day talk like adults that we are; that I'm sorry if I hurt her**, but that I also hope that she could see things from my viewpoint; that we didn't talk the same language and didn't understand each other even if we thought so. I also said that I had valued her and our friendship, and that I carry no grudge even if things went wrong between us.

<sup>* I was checking out the gallery's pages for ongoing or upcoming shows, when I saw a photo with her in it, saying she was an employee. We haven't gone there since she has started working there, so she doesn't know that we sometimes visit the place.

** I did tell my wife about our relationship without discussing it with my friend first - she did avoid it, though... .but she didn't know what the deal between me and my wife was, either.</sup>

So, slap me with a dead fish and tell me I'm an idiot... .

[joeramabeme]

So, slap me with a dead fish and tell me I'm an idiot... .

Fresh out of fish so can't help you with that but I can tell you that if your friend is BPD and you are saying things like; "but that I also hope that she could see things from my viewpoint", then you haven't spent enough time reading the "Lessons" on this site.

They can't understand your point of view, that is part of the disorder.

[once removed]

youre not an idiot for reaching out, confounded. how are you feeling now as a result?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey confounded, Suggest you be aware that by reaching out, you are shifting the power to her, so-to-speak, in terms of how she might respond or even if she will respond.  Maybe she will ignore your message, maybe not, but it's out of your control.  Suggest you keep your expectations low.

LuckyJim

[confounded]

The actual words used - I'm not English-speaking - imply more understanding with intellect/reason (of which I know she's fully capable) rather than with emotion/empathy (of which she seems capable enough except in her close relationships).  I don't really expect her to reply, it's just something I felt I needed to do when I realized I could quite literally bump into her at almost any moment, given that she works practically a stone's throw away from where I live. Maybe it never amounts to anything - if it does, I now know the score - and if it doesn't... .well, it was the final goodbye - I've finally said all I felt I needed to say.

[Mutt]

Hey confounded,

I don't think you're an idiot for reaching out.

I tried to extend the olive branch in the hopes that she wouldn't freak out if we bumped into each other

Does she have a habit of acting out in front of strangers in a public place like an art gallery? Does she keep her mask on?

[confounded]

I don't think you're an idiot for reaching out.

Does she have a habit of acting out in front of strangers in a public place like an art gallery? Does she keep her mask on?

And there was me thinking that the first rule was not to ever contact them... . 

I've never seen her act out, though I know she can be quite straight-forward and blunt - but that's with people she hasn't been on intimate terms with. I have really no idea how she would behave with me. I would expect her either to pretend I don't exist and act like she hasn't seen me at all, or try to avoid me by finding a place to hide. But to my knowledge, she's not prone to emotional outbursts in public, at least when sober. If drunk... .not violent, but very emotional - I once held her hand for an hour to calm her down when we were in a bar.

If we went to the gallery while she's there, it wouldn't be possible for her to avoid us anyway, since the place is quite small and she'd have to collect the fees. I don't want to push her buttons or make her feel like I've cornered her - if she told me not to contact her again, I wouldn't. But she never did, even when I directly asked if that's what she wanted. But I won't change my life to accomodate her dysfunction, and I have absolutely nothing to hide or to be ashamed of in our relationship - so I have this feeling that I would like to leave her alone and confront her simultaneously; it's very confusing.

[acidQ]

Hi confounded, I read your story in another topic and it sounded a lot like mine. I think it's really ok for you to contact her, now you have a better chance to have a some sort of closure with her. I kinda had a closure with my friend but it was really horrible and left me feeling miserable. It's been three months since then and now I'm able to think that it was better than nothing.

[confounded]

Well, I haven't heard a word from her so far, but I ran into her best friend (a diagnosed high-functioning borderline herself) - we had a couple of drinks and ended up talking about the situation. She was completely unaware of what had happened between us, and she sort of promised to try to find out what is going on, since she loves us both and would hate to see us breaking apart. I don't really know what to make of this. A relief knowing that I haven't (probably) been split black, but anxiety not knowing what's going to transpire.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't really know what to make of this. A relief knowing that I haven't (probably) been split black, but anxiety not knowing what's going to transpire.

Hey confounded, What would you like to see happen?  LJ

[confounded]

Hey confounded, What would you like to see happen?  LJ

I would like to see it resulting in us having a talk, or at least me learning why she did what she did. Finding out if we can salvage our friendship, or having a more graceful parting of ways if that's not possible, would be an another thing. Her friend suggested that her husband might be so jealous (especially of me, because me and her have many common interests and are much closer in age than he is) that she saw it safer for both her and me to cut me off - if so, then we must part ways, because I cannot and will not pretend I don't have the emotions for her that I do, even if I have no particular desire to consummate them. But hopefully it would happen with more grace and less hurt than what has now occurred.

[confounded]

She was having a smoke outside when I went past the gallery towards my apartment. We said hi to each other, then I sat down next to her and we talked a bit. It was almost as if nothing had happened at all, like we just picked off when I had last seen her. I told her I had been angry with her, the way she just disappeared. She did not apologize - it would've been trite anyway - but told me she had had a major depressive episode and had been treating everybody like crap, losing a whole bunch of friends in the process. She's in therapy - again - and is perking up a bit because she's working now. I told her I had missed her, and she invited me to come around to the gallery, so we could talk.

When I first saw her, I had a major adrenaline rush, but now I feel tremendous sadness. I know she's had depressive episodes before, so there nothing really new there - but that doesn't explain everything; it doesn't explain the dishonesty and callousness in treating me, a person she claimed to have deeper feelings for than anyone else in a long time, like I didn't exist. I now feel that there are some things in our friendship that can be salvaged - the intellectual parts - but the scuff marks will be there forever; I cannot trust her to not disappear again without a warning, I cannot trust all her words when the actions do not match, and I cannot invest so much emotional energy in her.

What am I going to do? I'm not going to leave her, because I valued our friendship, and I still value her. However, I think I'm donning my armour - the one that keeps her at a distance and never lets her too close to my emotional center again. I think I will see her again - this time armed with the knowledge and emotional strength I have gained. I will try to help her if she accepts it and makes an effort, but this time I'm not going to let myself get hurt. We were not and we will never be lovers, but I think we can still be friends - hurt and bruised - but friends nonetheless.

Maybe I should move to the Improving board... .