What is love?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Here is what I do not understand.

I was in a relationship for a year with a my BPDgf. She claimed her love for me pretty early on (as pwBPD do). Eventually I came around and opened myself up to loving her too.

We went through the honeymoon phase and into the clingy phase quite fast. She new about her condition, but did not spell it out to me (I would not have know what it was anyway).

She was seeing a T and on meds, so there were hints of Raging, but only minor, and always followed by extreme shame.

She tried very hard to make it work, and often said "I am not going to screw this up". However, the constant testing, the insecurity, the attempts to isolate me from my support network, the extreme abandonment issues leading to suicide ideation. The need for her issues to always come first, etc. etc.

Eventually I realized I could not count on her:

(I was out of town. My kids were flying in. She was suppose to pick them up at the airport. The day before she changed her mind, decided to have some friends over for dinner. She forwarded me the money for the kids to take a taxi. They had never done that by themselves before. I could have gotten someone else to pick them up if I had known. Somehow I new she would do something like that though. And if she had picked them up, she would have been resentful. And if I had mentioned it after, she would have said I was laying a guilt trip on her).

She had been grooming a replacement for 3 months. She was up front about him to me - that he was interested in her. But she insisted it was me she wanted as she found him too conservative for her.

I did not mention her not picking up the kids are airport, but it bothered me. But the next time she asked me what I did not like about her (which she did from time to time), I told her the truth. I said I felt that I could not count on her. That led to an attack on me, after which I told her I needed a break.

With that she was gone. Straight to the guy who was waiting.

The question was about love. I have no doubt that she was in love with me, as I was with her. However, I am here alone, and I cannot simply go out and find someone new. Love does not work that way for me.

Even though I was the one that broke it off, I am still in love with her, and can't simply replace one warm body with another.

She went straight to the new guy. She says she is now 'at peace'. I do not know if she has said she is in love with him. I know she has a desperate need to be 'taken care of'.

How can you be in love with one person one day, and then be with someone else the next. Is it just me that is like this? Is it just pwBPD that can (believe) they are in love with someone one day, and (believe) they are in love with someone else the next?

[NonBPDEx]

Here is what I do not understand.

I was in a relationship for a year with a my BPDgf. She claimed her love for me pretty early on (as pwBPD do). Eventually I came around and opened myself up to loving her too.

We went through the honeymoon phase and into the clingy phase quite fast. She new about her condition, but did not spell it out to me (I would not have know what it was anyway).

She was seeing a T and on meds, so there were hints of Raging, but only minor, and always followed by extreme shame.

She tried very hard to make it work, and often said "I am not going to screw this up". However, the constant testing, the insecurity, the attempts to isolate me from my support network, the extreme abandonment issues leading to suicide ideation. The need for her issues to always come first, etc. etc.

Eventually I realized I could not count on her:

(I was out of town. My kids were flying in. She was suppose to pick them up at the airport. The day before she changed her mind, decided to have some friends over for dinner. She forwarded me the money for the kids to take a taxi. They had never done that by themselves before. I could have gotten someone else to pick them up if I had known. Somehow I new she would do something like that though. And if she had picked them up, she would have been resentful. And if I had mentioned it after, she would have said I was laying a guilt trip on her).

She had been grooming a replacement for 3 months. She was up front about him to me - that he was interested in her. But she insisted it was me she wanted as she found him too conservative for her.

I did not mention her not picking up the kids are airport, but it bothered me. But the next time she asked me what I did not like about her (which she did from time to time), I told her the truth. I said I felt that I could not count on her. That led to an attack on me, after which I told her I needed a break.

With that she was gone. Straight to the guy who was waiting.

The question was about love. I have no doubt that she was in love with me, as I was with her. However, I am here alone, and I cannot simply go out and find someone new. Love does not work that way for me.

Even though I was the one that broke it off, I am still in love with her, and can't simply replace one warm body with another.

She went straight to the new guy. She says she is now 'at peace'. I do not know if she has said she is in love with him. I know she has a desperate need to be 'taken care of'.

How can you be in love with one person one day, and then be with someone else the next. Is it just me that is like this? Is it just pwBPD that can (believe) they are in love with someone one day, and (believe) they are in love with someone else the next?

[Aussie0zborn]

I think this is the black and white thinking at play here.

It's this type of behaviour that tells me we we're not that special and we could have been anybody. So, while YOU can't replace one warm body with another, she can and she did! It's often referred to as a "fresh supply".

It seems to me that you were asserting yourself as you should and she knew it was time for her to move on as she was no longer going to get her way with you. It sounds like she abandoned you before you abandoned her. Reading the posts here, it seems that that is not uncommon.

Good luck in your recovery.