Does my wife suffer from BPD? 3 kids under 5 affected– please, help to diagnose

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there,

I still am not 100% sure whether BPD is what my wife suffers from. If someone could read through and help me to recognise that I will be very thankful.

We went to various psychologists but none has ever mentioned that sickness. Symptoms however seem to match. They are not exactly the same so I am giving more background hoping someone can give me more assurance.

My wife comes from Colombia, I am Eastern European so cultural differences also play significant role I consider. We both were studying English in Oz when we got married just 6 months after we met. Very romantic. Actually an amazing story which I have been very proud of ever since.

We had few months break just after getting married. I went to her to Central America and we travelled. Very romantic again. She got pregnant there. I had to come back to OZ. Long story short. I finally got a new student visa also for her and late but flew her to OZ in her 7-month pregnancy.

She loves OZ but did not like that I was working and studying full-time for us to be able to stay in the country. I brought my mother to help us (very much giving person but also very emotional). My wife agreed to it but was rather telling only what to do and avoided to do anything herself. First shock.

She promised many times to help but broke promises regularly without taking any responsibility. Second shock. Her mood was very low after the birth of our boy. On contrary I was over the moon, so optimistic. I would do everything for her and our baby. But she did not feel like doing much beyond the care of our son (helped by my mother and me with nappies, food preparation, feeding, and cleaning, etc). Since then my wife focused on her feelings and the baby only. No friends back home. No new friends in Oz. Her English weak so people still can’t understand her.

Suggesting her to learn English, to work on vocabulary etc. caused only aggressiveness and resentment. My mother did not speak English at all but tried to open dialogs and suffered quietly the luck of respect she received in return for all the help she was giving. Only coldness.

I had over-optimistic naïve approach. Trust God, Believe and Give all you can. The last was kind of wrong. I tried to think that all will be fine and I still keep that in heart to be honest. Now trying to learn to love unconditionally but not naïve.

There were very good moments which my wife does not remember – only recall when we see photos, and forgets a moment after that. Negative moments are on contrary always accessible on demand immediately. My wife has no driver license and refused to learn driving in her first year, after tried over 4 years, few exams but still no success.

So, I drove all to parks, zoo, doctors, I was the only to drive for shopping, studying full-time and working almost full time to pay fees, rent and food as saving vanished quickly.

It was very hard for her too but we were living kind of different lives. For me every second was hugely important. I was under pressure, if I would fail, we with our babies would have to leave OZ. On contrast she had plenty of time. Why to hurry? Any comments for her to speed up please she always took very negatively, like an attack. Asking to repeat vocabulary she found annoying. And I finally made a serious mistake. My wife would not clean anything and when she tried for the first time to clean a pram I was not happy with the result and said something like: “I thought you cleaned it and it is so dirty. Please, maybe look how my mother cleans.” Since then my wife kept that situation in mind (did not tell me how hurtful it was for her, only after first 2 years) and still keeps it in her mind 5 years later. The worst is she feels like some sentences I would be telling her every day again and again, even if I said only once and she feels it is important now even if it happened 5 years ago. Present does not matter.

To keep it shorter now. We have two more children now (2.5 year-old twins). After first 2 years my wife was diagnosed with severe depression (took some tablets but irregularly, refused, then lied to me that she is taking to finally stop taking at all). There were times we visited even 2 psychologists a week but she was not kin on doing what they suggested (unfortunately I was too busy to follow up neither). She had more time but ignored as she did not believe she needs psychologists at all.

Any comment, reminder, suggestion from me was taken extremely negative and with aggression. I got us permanent residency, opened an office in the CBD, hoped to earn more to live better, have more time for her and kids as my wife confirmed at many occasion that she shares “our dream”.

She just did not want (or wasn’t able to) to work so hard for it, only expected... .I suppose I failed in her eyes that the “house keeper” I organised, my mother, dare to ask for some empathy too, a word, a “good morning” or similar, and that I had to work for money and study, and it was not easy for me neither.

When I was exhausted after long days, she was more sabotaging all my work than took care or appreciated what I do. Really I received not much of compassion. I even cried once or twice asking for her help with tears in my eyes, that I hardly see my children, that I miss them, that she please does something what we agreed upon. It did not make much impression, she rather complained that I was playing with her etc... I could not believe there are people who could react that way to such despair and keep telling they love you.

Well, she tried to work with me sometimes but her skills in her profession were much more limited than I expected. She studied more English courses but her memory just seems not to work that well – apparently due the depression I was told. She just simply does not accept comments, suggestions, therefore she does not learn much and accuses me again.

Teamwork with me is out of question too - as she will not do “my way” only because it is “my way”. I speak two foreign language fluently, finished my masters in Germany, and were going through kind of a small depression in the first 2 years there but for my wife that experience is not worth to listen to. There is no US. Her money. Her house etc.

What she FEELs is most important. If I suggest anything she perceives I force her to “my way”.

She becomes so angry that sometimes there is no break for weeks, angry at me about everything. Very disappointed with her life.

I learnt to “shut up” especially in the last two years while studying more about depression. Before I was putting pressure on her to help me more, after I stopped. She’s still angry. I have been more and more careful with every single word nowadays but it didn’t make much of a difference neither. She will ignore me.

As soon as I open my mouth, even positive affirmation, hug, give a kiss, say how great she is, how well she does, she takes everything negatively as if it were an attack and responds with an attack.

If one day she seems to still share all the hopes and dreams, the love, next 7 days she hates me, recalls the negative past, talks in the front of me but not to me but to herself, to the past, repeating all negatives she remembers about me and gets angry about what she repeats, often screaming then also in the front of the children or do not talk at all, avoids, escapes.

There is little or no control. There are symptoms of violence but happened only few times. I do not push back. Few times she mentioned suicide but after said she would never commit.

I was working long hours the first years, trusted all will improve thinking it is all just postnatal depression, so left children over four years with her and partly in a childcare. I have been trying to improve myself as I recognise I said too much once in few months, my fault, but her unfairness became so obvious on daily basis that I can’t accept it is all only me.

No matter what I try, nothing really has worked. Strong, laud made only things worst so I stopped.

She kind of turns all around and blames me for turning things around (?). No logic at all. I started to write down every word I say to prove her what I said but then she would have escaped such conversation. She never comes back to conversations after an escape. Not because we have different opinions. Only because she can’t stand me (not ugly, woman rather always liked me).

One day with her is OK, she is even quite nice, and after that again there is a week + of hate. A pattern. Triggers difficult to recognise as she does not give much feedback – why.

She seem to be living in the past. Not loving herself. Has no confidence. The only strength she gets from as it seems is from putting me down. Suffers also from Bulimia but does not want to do anything about it. Ignores it. She hates to apologise and does it only under high pressure. I stopped asking for apology.

I said something wrong last time let say 6 months ago but she will repeat it whenever convenient to excuse her anger and she will repeat to herself that in the worst possible way without a break until she believes I just said it now again. I would be saying sorry again, try to explain it was 6 months ago, 3 year ago, 5 years ago – she would not listen.

For her all recalls are as if they just happened today and there is no discussion. She does not talk. She speaks, mostly not in a nice way and quite seldom at all. I like to talk to solve problems, exchange ideas etc. to socialise but discussion with her is almost excluded from our life as she FEELS I am against her all the time (?).

I see she is suffering but no idea what to do. I made mistakes for sure but when I ask what they are, there is mostly no answer or explanation.

Will she just pack her bags and leave anytime? She sometimes says she will, after that she says she would not do - never sure about that. After a last good session with psychologist (who told me that he does not see a clinical depression?) I understood more about emotions (no word about BPD mentioned thought) and I stopped trying any logical explanations completely, started to focus more on her feelings. I only try to offer love and support and only sometimes have to ask for what’s best for our kids (anything regarding food, plays etc... is not accepted too well). I stopped our company, we moved from 200 meters away from the beach to 300 km away from the coast, to afford spending time on getting her back to a workforce and to take care more of our children.

My oldest boy is extremely shy and was often aggressive towards sisters (now changing). Now having more time I try to regulate our lives, roles, responsibilities and hold her accountable for things she agreed to do (verbal comments thought are not permitted by her – only email or on paper). Words like respect, promise, selfish – are not permitted in our relationship or she will get upset and start to scream again. We put a list with words to avoid so I avoid them. We spend quietly days while 3 children are awaiting role models).

She knows she is troubled and partly acknowledges that more now and she “tries” but not much really changed in the last 5 years. After last one-two good days (we kissed, hugged, even laughed), it is now fourth day she avoid looking at me again, refuse to talk, ask to leave her alone when I come closer. Children can feel that all, cry more and this is the most painful thing for me.

Was it that I asked her to help me more with cleaning when she started to play on a tablet with my son, as there was still quite a bit of mess to clean 20 min before the house inspection (I am not a perfectionist), or was it other reason – I do not know, she would not tell me.

We agreed four days ago we must be more sociable, for our children to show them more how people interact. When I wanted to invite a few people for lunch she said, ok, I can do, but she will go away when they will come over. No discussion. Few days before that I think she would be ok with it but now we have the bad days again... Now she does not care whether it is good for our children. She does not want, she feels and this is the most important. Point.

Is that BPD? If yes, any comment on that I would appreciate a lot. I will accept any help. I do not care about myself that much, got rid of my ego some time ago, ready to give up my dreams, ready to move to Colombia (she does not want) just for my children to get a stronger mother, a role model, as she loves them in her way and they love her. And I love her. And she says in “good days” that she loves me too.

I am helping her now to get a certification, find a job (I stopped working myself) but I now also started to require equality as she seems to be taking an advantage otherwise (She does not like the word “equality” neither) All what other did is kind of worthless to her. She repeats herself how bad she is, can’t be stopped.

I do appreciate all what she does and express it openly but she does not feel I appreciate, does not trust me (most of the time – although I never lied to her, ever).

She tries to keep to our new schedule. It is easier to clarify by putting roles clearly. Not that easy to attack me when things were agreed on paper with her signature.

To understand her better, I think it is important to mention that she never lived with anyone before, never even planned to have a family and a husband (she is a beautiful lady, had rather short or hurtful relationship before). She worked for a large corporation where hotels, food in restaurant and taxi were paid by the company. No more available here in OZ on our level. Now she depends on me, does not like to cook, clean, can’t drive or speak proper English and she hates that dependency with all her heart as it seems. I do not like it neither but she is not very supportive in getting us to other stage.

I am happy to help her and I feel if she decides to go away from me (taking HER children as she speaks) thinking about myself I would be fine (always will stick around thought for the children to share the care as much as possible) but I think I should not give up on her for as long as possible (I am from a broken family – do not wish that to my kids. I am not perfect and I hope not arrogant but I feel that even with other better man she would not be better off if she does not get some other help). Her behaviour is really so out of touch, over sensitive, insensitive to others, strong, based mostly on the past, imagination, misperception (I used to call it lies - now I try to avoid saying that).

Thank you for your patience. Sorry, I probably put out here too many facts but it is the first time I am sharing my story in such a way. I hope that after your comments this all will finish with a happy-ending and will help not only me and my wife but other readers too.

Many thanks for your time and any comment you might leave.

Cheers

Tom

[Qura]

Hi there,

I still am not 100% sure whether BPD is what my wife suffers from. If someone could read through and help me to recognise that I will be very thankful.

We went to various psychologists but none has ever mentioned that sickness. Symptoms however seem to match. They are not exactly the same so I am giving more background hoping someone can give me more assurance.

My wife comes from Colombia, I am Eastern European so cultural differences also play significant role I consider. We both were studying English in Oz when we got married just 6 months after we met. Very romantic. Actually an amazing story which I have been very proud of ever since.

We had few months break just after getting married. I went to her to Central America and we travelled. Very romantic again. She got pregnant there. I had to come back to OZ. Long story short. I finally got a new student visa also for her and late but flew her to OZ in her 7-month pregnancy.

She loves OZ but did not like that I was working and studying full-time for us to be able to stay in the country. I brought my mother to help us (very much giving person but also very emotional). My wife agreed to it but was rather telling only what to do and avoided to do anything herself. First shock.

She promised many times to help but broke promises regularly without taking any responsibility. Second shock. Her mood was very low after the birth of our boy. On contrary I was over the moon, so optimistic. I would do everything for her and our baby. But she did not feel like doing much beyond the care of our son (helped by my mother and me with nappies, food preparation, feeding, and cleaning, etc). Since then my wife focused on her feelings and the baby only. No friends back home. No new friends in Oz. Her English weak so people still can’t understand her.

Suggesting her to learn English, to work on vocabulary etc. caused only aggressiveness and resentment. My mother did not speak English at all but tried to open dialogs and suffered quietly the luck of respect she received in return for all the help she was giving. Only coldness.

I had over-optimistic naïve approach. Trust God, Believe and Give all you can. The last was kind of wrong. I tried to think that all will be fine and I still keep that in heart to be honest. Now trying to learn to love unconditionally but not naïve.

There were very good moments which my wife does not remember – only recall when we see photos, and forgets a moment after that. Negative moments are on contrary always accessible on demand immediately. My wife has no driver license and refused to learn driving in her first year, after tried over 4 years, few exams but still no success.

So, I drove all to parks, zoo, doctors, I was the only to drive for shopping, studying full-time and working almost full time to pay fees, rent and food as saving vanished quickly.

It was very hard for her too but we were living kind of different lives. For me every second was hugely important. I was under pressure, if I would fail, we with our babies would have to leave OZ. On contrast she had plenty of time. Why to hurry? Any comments for her to speed up please she always took very negatively, like an attack. Asking to repeat vocabulary she found annoying. And I finally made a serious mistake. My wife would not clean anything and when she tried for the first time to clean a pram I was not happy with the result and said something like: “I thought you cleaned it and it is so dirty. Please, maybe look how my mother cleans.” Since then my wife kept that situation in mind (did not tell me how hurtful it was for her, only after first 2 years) and still keeps it in her mind 5 years later. The worst is she feels like some sentences I would be telling her every day again and again, even if I said only once and she feels it is important now even if it happened 5 years ago. Present does not matter.

To keep it shorter now. We have two more children now (2.5 year-old twins). After first 2 years my wife was diagnosed with severe depression (took some tablets but irregularly, refused, then lied to me that she is taking to finally stop taking at all). There were times we visited even 2 psychologists a week but she was not kin on doing what they suggested (unfortunately I was too busy to follow up neither). She had more time but ignored as she did not believe she needs psychologists at all.

Any comment, reminder, suggestion from me was taken extremely negative and with aggression. I got us permanent residency, opened an office in the CBD, hoped to earn more to live better, have more time for her and kids as my wife confirmed at many occasion that she shares “our dream”.

She just did not want (or wasn’t able to) to work so hard for it, only expected... .I suppose I failed in her eyes that the “house keeper” I organised, my mother, dare to ask for some empathy too, a word, a “good morning” or similar, and that I had to work for money and study, and it was not easy for me neither.

When I was exhausted after long days, she was more sabotaging all my work than took care or appreciated what I do. Really I received not much of compassion. I even cried once or twice asking for her help with tears in my eyes, that I hardly see my children, that I miss them, that she please does something what we agreed upon. It did not make much impression, she rather complained that I was playing with her etc... I could not believe there are people who could react that way to such despair and keep telling they love you.

Well, she tried to work with me sometimes but her skills in her profession were much more limited than I expected. She studied more English courses but her memory just seems not to work that well – apparently due the depression I was told. She just simply does not accept comments, suggestions, therefore she does not learn much and accuses me again.

Teamwork with me is out of question too - as she will not do “my way” only because it is “my way”. I speak two foreign language fluently, finished my masters in Germany, and were going through kind of a small depression in the first 2 years there but for my wife that experience is not worth to listen to. There is no US. Her money. Her house etc.

What she FEELs is most important. If I suggest anything she perceives I force her to “my way”.

She becomes so angry that sometimes there is no break for weeks, angry at me about everything. Very disappointed with her life.

I learnt to “shut up” especially in the last two years while studying more about depression. Before I was putting pressure on her to help me more, after I stopped. She’s still angry. I have been more and more careful with every single word nowadays but it didn’t make much of a difference neither. She will ignore me.

As soon as I open my mouth, even positive affirmation, hug, give a kiss, say how great she is, how well she does, she takes everything negatively as if it were an attack and responds with an attack.

If one day she seems to still share all the hopes and dreams, the love, next 7 days she hates me, recalls the negative past, talks in the front of me but not to me but to herself, to the past, repeating all negatives she remembers about me and gets angry about what she repeats, often screaming then also in the front of the children or do not talk at all, avoids, escapes.

There is little or no control. There are symptoms of violence but happened only few times. I do not push back. Few times she mentioned suicide but after said she would never commit.

I was working long hours the first years, trusted all will improve thinking it is all just postnatal depression, so left children over four years with her and partly in a childcare. I have been trying to improve myself as I recognise I said too much once in few months, my fault, but her unfairness became so obvious on daily basis that I can’t accept it is all only me.

No matter what I try, nothing really has worked. Strong, laud made only things worst so I stopped.

She kind of turns all around and blames me for turning things around (?). No logic at all. I started to write down every word I say to prove her what I said but then she would have escaped such conversation. She never comes back to conversations after an escape. Not because we have different opinions. Only because she can’t stand me (not ugly, woman rather always liked me).

One day with her is OK, she is even quite nice, and after that again there is a week + of hate. A pattern. Triggers difficult to recognise as she does not give much feedback – why.

She seem to be living in the past. Not loving herself. Has no confidence. The only strength she gets from as it seems is from putting me down. Suffers also from Bulimia but does not want to do anything about it. Ignores it. She hates to apologise and does it only under high pressure. I stopped asking for apology.

I said something wrong last time let say 6 months ago but she will repeat it whenever convenient to excuse her anger and she will repeat to herself that in the worst possible way without a break until she believes I just said it now again. I would be saying sorry again, try to explain it was 6 months ago, 3 year ago, 5 years ago – she would not listen.

For her all recalls are as if they just happened today and there is no discussion. She does not talk. She speaks, mostly not in a nice way and quite seldom at all. I like to talk to solve problems, exchange ideas etc. to socialise but discussion with her is almost excluded from our life as she FEELS I am against her all the time (?).

I see she is suffering but no idea what to do. I made mistakes for sure but when I ask what they are, there is mostly no answer or explanation.

Will she just pack her bags and leave anytime? She sometimes says she will, after that she says she would not do - never sure about that. After a last good session with psychologist (who told me that he does not see a clinical depression?) I understood more about emotions (no word about BPD mentioned thought) and I stopped trying any logical explanations completely, started to focus more on her feelings. I only try to offer love and support and only sometimes have to ask for what’s best for our kids (anything regarding food, plays etc... is not accepted too well). I stopped our company, we moved from 200 meters away from the beach to 300 km away from the coast, to afford spending time on getting her back to a workforce and to take care more of our children.

My oldest boy is extremely shy and was often aggressive towards sisters (now changing). Now having more time I try to regulate our lives, roles, responsibilities and hold her accountable for things she agreed to do (verbal comments thought are not permitted by her – only email or on paper). Words like respect, promise, selfish – are not permitted in our relationship or she will get upset and start to scream again. We put a list with words to avoid so I avoid them. We spend quietly days while 3 children are awaiting role models).

She knows she is troubled and partly acknowledges that more now and she “tries” but not much really changed in the last 5 years. After last one-two good days (we kissed, hugged, even laughed), it is now fourth day she avoid looking at me again, refuse to talk, ask to leave her alone when I come closer. Children can feel that all, cry more and this is the most painful thing for me.

Was it that I asked her to help me more with cleaning when she started to play on a tablet with my son, as there was still quite a bit of mess to clean 20 min before the house inspection (I am not a perfectionist), or was it other reason – I do not know, she would not tell me.

We agreed four days ago we must be more sociable, for our children to show them more how people interact. When I wanted to invite a few people for lunch she said, ok, I can do, but she will go away when they will come over. No discussion. Few days before that I think she would be ok with it but now we have the bad days again... Now she does not care whether it is good for our children. She does not want, she feels and this is the most important. Point.

Is that BPD? If yes, any comment on that I would appreciate a lot. I will accept any help. I do not care about myself that much, got rid of my ego some time ago, ready to give up my dreams, ready to move to Colombia (she does not want) just for my children to get a stronger mother, a role model, as she loves them in her way and they love her. And I love her. And she says in “good days” that she loves me too.

I am helping her now to get a certification, find a job (I stopped working myself) but I now also started to require equality as she seems to be taking an advantage otherwise (She does not like the word “equality” neither) All what other did is kind of worthless to her. She repeats herself how bad she is, can’t be stopped.

I do appreciate all what she does and express it openly but she does not feel I appreciate, does not trust me (most of the time – although I never lied to her, ever).

She tries to keep to our new schedule. It is easier to clarify by putting roles clearly. Not that easy to attack me when things were agreed on paper with her signature.

To understand her better, I think it is important to mention that she never lived with anyone before, never even planned to have a family and a husband (she is a beautiful lady, had rather short or hurtful relationship before). She worked for a large corporation where hotels, food in restaurant and taxi were paid by the company. No more available here in OZ on our level. Now she depends on me, does not like to cook, clean, can’t drive or speak proper English and she hates that dependency with all her heart as it seems. I do not like it neither but she is not very supportive in getting us to other stage.

I am happy to help her and I feel if she decides to go away from me (taking HER children as she speaks) thinking about myself I would be fine (always will stick around thought for the children to share the care as much as possible) but I think I should not give up on her for as long as possible (I am from a broken family – do not wish that to my kids. I am not perfect and I hope not arrogant but I feel that even with other better man she would not be better off if she does not get some other help). Her behaviour is really so out of touch, over sensitive, insensitive to others, strong, based mostly on the past, imagination, misperception (I used to call it lies - now I try to avoid saying that).

Thank you for your patience. Sorry, I probably put out here too many facts but it is the first time I am sharing my story in such a way. I hope that after your comments this all will finish with a happy-ending and will help not only me and my wife but other readers too.

Many thanks for your time and any comment you might leave.

Cheers

Tom

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