Creating a personal journal

[misterfire17]

I have been a member here for several years however rarely post. I have been married to uBPDw for 32 years. I am so exhausted that I rarely sleep and can't really find peace anywhere. Below is an excerp from a Journal entry I did in February. I have found the Journal helps me remember as I am a rescuer, always believe the best in people and sometimes forget why the pain is so deep. Wanted to see if anyone identifies with how I am feeling.


"I still get bogged down in FOG. Fear overtakes me even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong. Obligation is something I have always struggled with and quite frankly I don’t know when to quit. Guilt is my downfall. I don’t ever want to hurt a fly. I will punish myself and do without before hurting anyone even someone I don’t like. I am just at the end of my rope. I give everything I have. I am only surviving right now. I am exhausted, broke, and emotionally drained. I can never meet her expectations. Strangely enough I function at a high level at work and am respected and looked up to. At home I am gum on her shoe. I never give her enough time or attention. I am constantly tested- “ I will do this and see if he rescues me. If he does I won’t ignore him and still doubt his loyalty, if he doesn’t I will punish him with guilt and give him the cold shoulder. I will remember for several days and constantly bring his failure up to ensure he feels guilty.” This is what my life has been reduced to. I go to work every day, make a good wage, give it all to her. I have very little that is mine. She has everything I have and constantly wants more. I can never, in a million years, meet her expectations. Wow that sounds awful when I write it. Rereading it I feel like an idiot and a chump. Will have to think about that for a while". 

[Lifewriter16]

I, too, keep a journal and find it useful to re-read it on occasion. Yes, I relate to what you are describing, particularly the emotional impact.

You've served a life sentence under UK law (give or take the odd year, possibly). Surely, you get your discharge now?

Lifewriter

x

[misterfire17]

Thanks Lifewriter16 I truly wish parole/ escape was that easy for me. I am extremely invested, gave myself up sometime ago and simply don't have the energy at this point. It's as if she senses when I begin to get stronger and intervenes/ acts out so I get weaker again. I have spent time on the staying board and sometimes bounce from group to group. Just trying to get through quite honestly.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mr.fire17, Several years ago, I could have written your journal entry.  Indeed, I kept a journal with entries which closely resemble yours.  The names change but the BPD experiences remain remarkably similar.  Like you, I reached a point when there was nothing left in the tank.  I nearly destroyed myself emotionally, physically and financially in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  Fortunately, two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention which gave me the strength to leave.  Otherwise, I doubt that I would have made it out alive.  Maybe that sounds melodramatic, but it's the truth.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  At the end of the day, no one is going to give you a medal.  Change begins with baby steps.  Maybe you can begin to shift the focus back to yourself?  What needs to happen for you to feel OK?  What is the right path for you?  What are your gut feelings?  These are all critical questions, in my view.  What would you really like to do?  Stay, go or tread water like you are doing?

LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

In times like this, you have to dig deep inside your soul, your characters , your moral compass to determine the right path. Otherwise, your attachment and your fear of the unknown will keep you in limbo forever and thus your perpetual unhappiness.

Keeping a journal is a very good way of recording your thoughts and feeling. Go back to it often, my friend, so that you can be reminded of what should be done but not yet done.

The problem with BPD is that the push cycle then is followed by the pull cycle, making us believe that tomorrow might be a better day with BPD and that tomorrow BPD will somehow magically turns out to be a normal, loving person. Often that is NOT the case and we unfortunately stay in the vortex. Had BPD constantly been in the push cycle then the leaving would be an easy one.

Like i have indicated, your life now is not in congruent with your characters and your moral compass, resulting in a constant struggle between what are right and what are wrong. If you want to be happy than you have to RESET your inner compass and live accordingly to those inner directions.

ONe way to reset your compass is to rely on trusting friends or therapists. As impartial persons, they can help you clear your mind and thoughts, which will lead to actions. In life, remember knowledge means nothing if you don't act on it.

Another way to reset your compass is to read inspirational books. For me, Dr. Wayne Dyer's books were instrumental in my seeing what I needed to do. For example, his simple to read "10 secrets for success and inner peace" made me think of what the meaning of my life and my happiness - that is how I reset my compass and regained my strength to overcome my attachment to BPD. Here are some of them -

1. Have a mind that is open to everything but attached to nothing.

2. Don't die with your music still in you.

3. You cannot give what you don't have

4. Embrace silence

5. You cannot solve a problem with the SAME mind that created it

10. Wisdom is avoiding all thoughts that weaken you.

I am sending you LOVE and all the GREEN lights.

[going places]

i was married 25 years.

When the home sold, I found my old journals... .

Some were 15 years old, some where only a year old... .

Reading those journals, showed me; Girl, you're not crazy. You have had the same complaint, same fears, etc, for decades.

Reading those journals, and reading when I wrote about "something is wrong but I can't put my finger on it' and I would go on and describe what I was 'feeling'... .and then to find out what my ex was doing all along; CONFIRMED those 'gut feelings' I wrote about for almost 2 decades.

I find that when I am on the verge of melt down, if I get a pad of paper and start writing, that it helps keep me grounded... .

I know where I am today, and I know where I was 4 years ago... .AND THERE IS NO WAY, I would go back to where I was, 4 years ago. It's been a long, grueling road; one I sometimes thought would kill me... .

But it didn't.

And I am so glad, I took that road.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm with you, OnceConfused and going places.  After separating and getting out of the BPD prison that was my marriage, I never considered going back.  It's rough sledding, as Going Places notes, but I don't mind because I live in accordance with my inner compass, as OnceConfused describes.  The path is hard at times, but at least its MY path.  I used to pretend that things were OK in my marriage to my BPDxW, and I tried to convince myself that things would be OK during the Pull cycle, as Once Confused notes.  Now I don't pretend anymore and see my life as a journey toward authenticity.  It works for me!

LuckyJim

[misterfire17]

"Maybe you can begin to shift the focus back to yourself?  What needs to happen for you to feel OK?  What is the right path for you?  What are your gut feelings?  These are all critical questions, in my view.  What would you really like to do?  Stay, go or tread water like you are doing?"

Lucky Jim I have tried to shift the focus and sometimes can however the road is steep and rocky. I think for me to truly feel ok I would need to be on a desert island for several months to sort through my brain. My gut says nothing will ever change and I have to either live with it or without it. We have tried therapy without much result. 

"Like i have indicated, your life now is not in congruent with your characters and your moral compass, resulting in a constant struggle between what are right and what are wrong. If you want to be happy than you have to RESET your inner compass and live accordingly to those inner directions.

ONe way to reset your compass is to rely on trusting friends or therapists. As impartial persons, they can help you clear your mind and thoughts, which will lead to actions. In life, remember knowledge means nothing if you don't act on it."

Onceconfused I can see the congruent behavior. I really do want to be happy and would love to reset my inner compass however it doesn't seem so easy, at least not at this point. I have been in therapy for several years until about a year ago. I quit going as I was discourage by uBPDw and also because I had been going so long that I felt like I was at a breaking point. I hoped that not going anymore would quite frankly put pressure on me to cause movement. Also I clearly understand that knowledge without action is futility. I wish I could receive a months worth of energy to get my head right so I can really see the forest without the trees.

[Lucky Jim]

have been in therapy for several years until about a year ago. I quit going as I was discourage by uBPDw

Hello again, MrFire17, My BPDxW did the same thing -- discouraged me from seeing a T due to her own insecurities about what I might be saying to the T behind her back.  Suggest you do yourself a favor and make an appointment with your T.  At the same time, tell yourself that nothing will stop you from keeping your appointment, regardless how much s**t your W gives you.  She may try to prevent you from going.  So what?  You have decided in advance that you are going to see your T, no matter what she says or does.  You can do it!  Baby steps.

LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

Mrfire:

I can understand your inertia in not doing what you think is right. Like I have indicated, that inertia comes from the fear of the unknown tomorrow. Many people rather stay in a known abuse, then facing the unknown of tomorrow.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with the FIRST STEP. The key here is you have to take those baby steps. First learn to detach from things of your life. Begin to give away, or sell on craiglist things that you have not used in the past 3 years. Remind yourself that more is less and less is more. Once your mind is at peace with letting go, then you will be able to take bigger steps in dealing with BPD and in living in happiness.

[misterfire17]

Thanks LuckyJim and Onceconfused- I truly appreciate you taking the time to give me some sound advice. I know in the bottom of my heart I want change whether that is here or somewhere else. I just am so beaten down that I can't gather the energy to attack it. I will be trying to take baby steps. Thanks again

[Lucky Jim]

I just am so beaten down that I can't gather the energy to attack it.

Having been in the same situation, I understand.

Yet you have to "attack it" with whatever energy you can muster.

There is a famous haiku about the snail climbing Mt. Fuji, "but slowly, slowly."  Emulate the snail.  Take baby steps.  Just searching for your path is progress, even if you don't find it right away.

To paraphrase Dante, I was once lost in a Dark Wood with no clear path out.  Now I'm back on my path.  You can find yours, too!

LuckyJim

[Forestaken]

MrFire17 & GoingPlaces:

Like you, I was in a long term marriage (24 years); physically abuses, emotionally attacked and financially constrained (I was only allowed to keep coins from purchases: No debit/credit cards or paper money).  And I was the sole financial provider.

I bet you watch for triggers, have ready answers to odd questions, and prefer peace.  And like Lucky Jim, my uBPD+dOCD-Xw did not allow me (or us) to see a T despite daily battles. 

I lived here and survived here.  It took me a lot of energy to leave her and her terror.  I paid ($$$$) to do it.  But my kids (S25&:)21) are happy I did it.

#1 Question: Do you want to die as you have lived?