Can't seem to start No Contact

[cloudten]

I am really struggling. I want this to be over. I want to start no contact. I am having a b*tch of a time figuring out how to start. I can't stop replying to his texts.

My brain is watching my heart throw itself over a cliff. I can't stop.  He has traumatized my daughter. I know this is the end. This absolutely has to be the very end. I have a responsibility to my daughter to protect her. I can't keep talking to this guy. Talking and texting isn't going to fix it. I don't want back in. I don't want to watch him be with other girls... .but I can't hit the delete button. I can't hit the block button on facebook. I can't not be with him.  Honestly, I lost my lover and my best friend at the same time. I don't want to live my life without him. I don't know how to block out the sun.

sorry- just struggling. triggered. angry. bitter. and missing him very much. but i know he is already moving on.

this insanity has to stop.

I choose sanity.

I choose happiness.

I choose safety.

I choose security.

I choose self-esteem (if possible anymore).

I don't know how to do this. I know deep down I don't want it to end... .but I was forced into this. I have no choice.

[gah]

I have no advice... .I'm right there with you.

[cloudten]

 :'( I'm sorry that I'm not the only one.  :'(

[LimboFL]

Cloudten, there simply is no magic switch that you can throw to make it happen. You have to delete, his number, every piece of evidence of the relationship and block him on your cell. You clearly understand what this is all about. It is one of the hardest things many of us have had to do, to let go. I have been nc for over 4 months (b/u 6 months ago) and this week, after expressing my desire never to hear from her again, because she broke boundaries, I couldn't accept, I see her number on my caller ID. I was shocked. I didn't answer, nor did she leave a message but EVEN THAT has thrown me back a few steps.

Knowing that there is a reason, BPD, is a blessing and curse because many of us know that down deep these people we fell in love with are good and that they live in pain, all of the time, but they simply aren't reachable. We got to see the good but it would just as quickly get buried by the disorder and lost to us.

There simply is no easy solution, no advice that anyone can offer that can make it any easier for you, except that we have all been there, we have all suffered as you are and some of us still do. Now you just have to find the courage within yourself to let go, delete numbers, disconnect on social media and NEVER go back to check. Like others, including myself you have a beautiful child to protect, who not only needed him to be out of her life but also to get her Mother back. In your state, and I have been there, we are such twisted wrecks that we are no good to our kids, we are in so much pain and suffering so much anxiety that even if we are going through the motions of being a parent, we aren't attentive. Based on your description it sounds like she needs your strength as she too detaches from what was clearly a very difficult time relationship. Kids often suffer in silence.

Fight back, NOW! Stop responding, erase everything. It isn't going to go away for some time, but as everyone says, if you go strict NC, you will begin to feel better slowly but surely.

The final thing you MUST think about is how much he currently has control over you. He doesn't want to let go either but you need to take control back and show him that you are stronger than he is, that you won't allow him to effect your life as he continues to do, that he no longer has that right. He lost that right when he betrayed you or terrorized you and even more so your daughter.

No one here questions why you continue to maintain contact. None of us wanted to let go, all of us had hopes and dreams, we all cried buckets as we were letting go. It is a horrific pain but the alternative is that you keep the dark cloud over your head and one over your daughters.

Fight back, now! He gave you up and he will regret it, in time but that is his problem, not yours. It is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but imagine what kind of additional damage you are going to do to your daughter if you allow yourself to stay like this. She needs you more than you need him.  Get really angry and purge him from your life. There is no middle road in these breakups. You can't heal and move forward otherwise.

[cloudten]

LimboFL ----- thank you so much! You are so right that he lost control to effect my life and my daughters when he terrorized us. All of your words were taken very much to heart and ring very true throughout my soul. 

I disabled my fb account for now... .i'll have to block him eventually. but i felt deactivating was doable for me today.

I think it's gotta be baby steps. little by little. but this weekend i am taking a trip to the mountains where i won't have cell phone service. i am hoping that this will be more impactful with severing communications and contact.

thank you

[LimboFL]

You're very welcome.

A trip to the mountains will reinvigorate your soul and will give you that feeling of distance that you need right now. If your daughter is going with you, then it's the perfect time to reconnect with her and to comfort her, because you will comfort each other. That is the relationship that needs TLC.

Breathe in nature and dig as deep as you can to see that there is this monstrous world out there waiting to be absorbed and that he only spoiled it for you and your daughter. In time you and I will both find new partners who deserve us.

Travel safe and stay strong.