Positive and not so positive methods of getting the attention of a BPD

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In order for me to find comfort for myself seeing that I am with a BPDw, I have found both positive and not so positive ways. I have been teaching, tutoring, being with family, being with friends, exercising, and going to movies. The not so positive way has been to eat and to drink unhealthy things for the past few years. I have gained about 20 pounds, and I have somewhat of a big stomach as a result. My doctors say that I am in good health. Once in a while, my BPDw will complain to me, put me on a diet that I break outside the house. Today, she complained even that much more so, saying that she doesn't like to be a nag. I know she is right, that I need to eat healthier, and I tried to do so today. I try to do so, but when I am really upset or lonely, I tend to eat and drink unhealthy things. I know there are a lot of people that do these kinds of things.

Reflecting on today in particular and why I do what I do, it is a way for me to get some attention, some communication with her. She is continuously busy with her work and with her studies. We haven't gone out for dinner for many years, even before her current working and study diversions. She admitted today that she at least prepares meals and that this is the best she can do as far as having a relationship with me, at least for now.

I am just wondering how many of you have busy SOs and that they don't pay attention to you and when they do, that they give you a bad time either for the right reasons or the wrong reasons.

Yeah, I know I am hurting and am seeking comfort in positive and not so positive ways.

[Samuel S.]

In order for me to find comfort for myself seeing that I am with a BPDw, I have found both positive and not so positive ways. I have been teaching, tutoring, being with family, being with friends, exercising, and going to movies. The not so positive way has been to eat and to drink unhealthy things for the past few years. I have gained about 20 pounds, and I have somewhat of a big stomach as a result. My doctors say that I am in good health. Once in a while, my BPDw will complain to me, put me on a diet that I break outside the house. Today, she complained even that much more so, saying that she doesn't like to be a nag. I know she is right, that I need to eat healthier, and I tried to do so today. I try to do so, but when I am really upset or lonely, I tend to eat and drink unhealthy things. I know there are a lot of people that do these kinds of things.

Reflecting on today in particular and why I do what I do, it is a way for me to get some attention, some communication with her. She is continuously busy with her work and with her studies. We haven't gone out for dinner for many years, even before her current working and study diversions. She admitted today that she at least prepares meals and that this is the best she can do as far as having a relationship with me, at least for now.

I am just wondering how many of you have busy SOs and that they don't pay attention to you and when they do, that they give you a bad time either for the right reasons or the wrong reasons.

Yeah, I know I am hurting and am seeking comfort in positive and not so positive ways.

[Samuel S.]

I am trying to restore some semblance of healthy eating now, although I am still tempted to eat unhealthy things for taste, comfort, and frankly to rebel against my BPDw. Yet, today, while she was talking about healthy eating, she brought up the fact that avocados are healthy and that I should try them. I shared with her again that I have tried them numerous times, and I simply don't like them, even though they are blended with other foods. After all, we all have different taste buds. It is not that I did not appreciate her suggestion for me to eat them once again. Yet, she began harping on how she was forced to like them by her abusive mother when she was younger and that she grew to like them. She went on to say that even when she was older, she and her first husband agreed that they should have them. Well, go ahead, but I will do my best with other foods that I do like and to limit the unhealthy things. She again was trying to control and to be manipulative as she had in the past. So, I just let her talk, and that was the end of it. I just did not want to get into an argument by countering what she was saying.

Considering how manipulative she has been in the past along with being verbally abusive in the past and now really neglectful of our marriage by focusing on her studies and her work, it is hard for me to be convinced by a manipulator. Granted, she gave me a gift for Father's Day which I appreciated and thanked her for, but it came with the price of her trying to manipulate me again.

[once removed]

hey samuel s,

i have a very picky/particular taste, and id feel resentful and rebellious against someone constantly advising me how to eat, even if they had my best interests at heart.

are you currently seeing a therapist? it seems as if this dynamic is negatively impacting your life, and playing a role in your relationship. i dont see any harm in trying to address it, of your own accord.

[Samuel S.]

I have tried 3 different therapists over a number of years already for extended periods of time, and they mostly listen to validate who I am and what I have experienced.

Nowadays, my BPDw doesn't seem to be verbally abusive, but she sure is hindering the evolution of our marriage. She goes to school. She studies. She goes to work. She does cook a little bit of her time when she is around, which I do appreciate and for which I thank her. She tells me that this is all she can do with me, because she does not have time for anything else. I even suggested that I cook when she is away so that we can have more time together, instead; however, she does not like to clean up after me, she claims. Also, she rarely even looks me in the eyes.

I listen to her when she talks on the phone when she is away. It is only then when she will actually ask how my day was, but it is usually at the end of the time that she is talking. Otherwise, when she is around here, it is only the above things that I have mentioned.

Lately, she seems happier by doing all of these other things to the extent that she does not accept responsibility for her verbal abuse of the past or the neglect for the last 2 years. It is almost like she has forgotten everything that she has done. In the meantime, I am held with the anger, the frustration, the fear of the verbal abuse and the neglect which had been very real.

Oh yes, she gets "counseling" from a "medium counselor" over the phone once a week. I put those words in quotations, because this person really has instigated my BPDw to distance herself from me. I am all for exploring and meeting one's personal needs, but she freely admits she has gone to the extreme. That is why I feel so lonely, angry, frustrated in this so-called relationship.

You might ask that I ask her to take time out to do couple therapy, but I have done so already to no avail. She says she has not any time.

In the meantime, she is now 4 days away for her classes. In the meantime, I do my teaching, tutoring, exercising, seeing friends and family, and going to movies. Yet, I feel a major emptiness, and she freely wishes not to compromise.

[once removed]

hey samuel s,

choosing the right therapist is a process. its the same as doctors, or general practitioners. on one hand, validation is something any good therapist will do. your pain is real. it should be validated. on the other, if a therapist doesnt fit, a therapist doesnt fit. it doesnt mean therapy cant benefit you.

it sounds like there is actually some progress in your relationship, in terms of lack of verbal abuse, but some areas in which theres less, and this is understandably disappointing you.

youre a senior member, so i assume you have, but have you had an opportunity to work through the bpdfamily lessons? realistic expectations of our disordered partners is a recurring theme. thats not at all to say you arent right in your expectations, but that unrealistic expectations can be tied to pain. ive had a few friends in my life that lacked empathy, and when id try to get it from them, and theyd fail to deliver it, id feel worse, and resentful. your partner may not be ready, or capable, of accepting responsibility for her actions, and that includes engaging in couples therapy.

youre on the undecided board, so that suggests some willingness to see this through, and make it work. youre doing lots of the right things, that you mention. all of those things are a great lifeline. but its understandable, that you feel unfulfilled in your relationship. are there any areas you can identify in which you feel this relationship is a positive in your life?

[Samuel S.]

Once removed, thank you for your post. I am in the process of finding a better therapist for myself, based on my health coverage and the area where I live.

Yes, I have gone through the lessons, and they have been very useful. Accepting how a BPD has been a struggle, although I have gotten to that point, because, indeed, she is incapable to acknowledge guilt. She has "moved on" with her own happiness. So, the onus is on me to deal with the PTSD of all the verbal abuse that she spurted out. To the positive about her, she hasn't been verbally abusive for quite some time, but the neglect is very significant.

The areas I can identify as being positive is that she does listen a little bit more and seems to care, especially when she is calling me when she is 3 and 4 days away. So, I am holding onto hope that when she is finished with her studies in 2 more years, she says she will devote more time to us. So, that's the carrot on the string.

[once removed]

good for you for being proactive in finding a better therapist. like i said, its a process. ive had some bad luck with at least one primary doctor, and its not much different. the vast majority of therapists are "good ones", though even a good one doesnt necessarily mean the fit is right.

i can also see where this will directly help you, and help you in the relationship. neglect is very significant. tough to forgive, tough to recover from, but doable.

im glad you can see the positive - that means the situation is workable and can improve. i hope it does

[Samuel S.]

I left a voice mail with a therapist, and I am awaiting her return phone call. Then, we will take it from there.

Indeed, I always do my best to accentuate the positive and also to be realistic. It has helped me a lot throughout the years, seeing that I teach. While professionally I know that students have their good and bad characteristics, they eventually come around either in the short term or in the future. I have seen that time and time again.

I also accentuate the positive with my BPDw, but she has had a way of being a typical BPD when she gets into her bad moods or wishes to control. I said that I have PTSD after many attempts of being verbally abused, and I did not do anything to incite her. They were not my fault whatsoever. First, I was rear-ended while being at a legal stop when she was not in the car, and she told me I caused the accident. I had chiropractic treatment for back and neck injury, and I was compensated by the insurance companies. She said I should give back the money, but she eventually accepted the idea for me to accept the money, which I promptly took care of some of our regular bills. Secondly, she suggested I get a flu shot which I did. She and that pharmacist joked around, saying that I was with another woman, which was absolutely false. She then told him and me that I should have another woman, because my BPDw is so busy, anyway. A last example is when I was in the hospital, and she told me that I should not have been in the hospital due to the expense of my stay. BTW, I was bleeding a lot internally. There are other examples as well.

So, when she has not been capable of apologizing even after bringing it up how absurd her claims are and when you combine times of neglect, it is no wonder why I have PTSD of wondering when she is going to be verbally abusive again or wondering when the neglect of our relationship whether she is here or not will ever end.

So, learning how to cope with this along with trying to save enough money to leave, if and when I have had it and if this new therapist believes I should, are really important to me. Like you state, I hope my situation improves and that I recover. I am the type of guy to give second chances. I have given a multitude of chances with negative results. If nothing works, the last thing she will ever see of me again is my back.

[once removed]

"First, I was rear-ended while being at a legal stop when she was not in the car, and she told me I caused the accident. I had chiropractic treatment for back and neck injury, and I was compensated by the insurance companies. She said I should give back the money, but she eventually accepted the idea for me to accept the money,"

thats very very frustrating, and:

"She and that pharmacist joked around, saying that I was with another woman,"

thats frustrating and unprofessional. do you have a support system in terms of friends and family?

[Samuel S.]

Once removed, thank you so very much for your reply! It means a lot to me!

In terms of my car accident, my BPDw said I supposedly caused the accident, because my attitude was bad at the time. Well, when I saw her before the car accident, everything was fine with nothing negative. When I was by myself in the car when the car accident took place, I was in a great mood with loads of positive things going on in my life. I had to explain all of that to her, and she then said that if it were her D16 at the time that had caused the accident, that my BPDw would hope that someone who was hit by her would want to "look the other way" so that her insurance would not increase. I had to explain that it was not her D16 and that I was hurt. I was so glad that both the other person's insurance company and my insurance company showed some sanity. The other driver admitted finally she was running late and thus caused the accident by hitting me at about 20 to 30 MPH on an offramp of a freeway, thus causing me physical injury, and I did not need my BPDw's BS. Yes, that was very, very frustrating!

As for the pharmacist who started "the other woman" BS, he rarely sees me. Thus, I just would drop stuff off and never get on his bad side. So, he was being a smart ass, and my BPDw hyped it up that much more so. Yes, that too was frustrating, and he was definitely unprofessional! Seeing that there are times when I do fear her, after about a week or so, seeing that he said that, I called him at work, and I told him how hurtful and how unprofessional he was, that he does not know anything about her other than also being a pharmacist. He said he didn't remember saying anything about "the other woman". Then, about a couple of days later, he called me at our home to say that he didn't sleep at all that night, that he realized how much of a jerk he was. He was very apologetic numerous times. I just said that he should just focus on his work, and that's it instead of making such stupid remarks, hurtful remarks. I haven't talked to her about that situation, though, and I am afraid to. Yeah, I know I should have, and seeing that I did defend myself in terms of the car accident, I was being inconsistent. That was last September, and I will never enter that pharmacy again. Also, I am sure he doesn't want to see me again. I just will get my flu shots somewhere else, instead.

Yes, I do have a support system of friends and family. They are really great listeners and validate how I feel as I am with them. In the meantime, I am waiting for the therapist to call me back.

So, once removed, these 2 very significant things in my life with her along with the neglect are the reasons why I have PTSD, and I do my best to stay away from her. Luckily, she is so busy with her studies and with her work, that I don't relate to her much, and she recently within the last 4 to 5 months hasn't been verbally abusive. Nevertheless, the PTSD is there. BTW, I am the type of guy who respects and cares and loves and never would degrade anyone, no matter how much I would disagree with them, which BTW is very rare.

[Samuel S.]

I forgot to mention that some 4 or 5 months after my car accident, my BPDw was rushing to work out of town. She was on a freeway where there was a lot of construction taking place with signs stating that fines would be doubled for those who disobey the speed limit. Well, you guessed it. She was pulled over for going 74 MPH in a 55 MPH zone by the highway patrol. Of course, she complained to the patrolman, but she got a hefty ticket of $700 along with having to take an online class to eliminate her point.

She complained to me about this situation, but I just listened and validated. I could have stooped very low like she has done by berating her, but that is not me. She made a mistake, and there was a consequence to her mistake. She had to eat a piece of "humble pie", but I wish she would have learned her lesson, but apparently not. Sometimes, there is payback or karma. A cousin of mine who knows my situation with my BPDw has a good sense of humor and said that my BPDw got her "carma".

[Samuel S.]

Last night, my BPDw returned from work, read through her mail, and came across what her insurance that paid for me, around $1,000. She promptly came into my room telling me how she pays good money each week to keep me healthy and that she wants to make sure that I appreciate that. I promptly replied that I have always appreciated it, that she works hard. I also mentioned that I have 2 other insurance policies that cover my health costs which I pay for. What I didn't mention to her, because she was in no mood to hear virtually anything else anyway, is that I pay for the mortgage, her long term care insurance, her mother's long term care insurance, her D18's education, our condo's insurance, and many other bills. I do the laundry. I do a lot of shopping, because she is too busy. I teach. I tutor. I write books. I give workshops.

Then, seeing she weekly talks to a "medium counselor", my BPDw informed me that seeing that I am switching eye doctors, this "medium counselor" said that I am going to be referred to an opthamologist for surgery. Well, the last time I took this "medium counselor's" advice, I worked with her selected therapist who one day between my sessions with him murdered his ex-wife, his ex-wife's sister, and then killed himself. So, I am not going to put too much credence into this "medium counselor".

After saying all of this and after me feeling suffocated literally, she said she "loves" me in order to soften the verbal abuse blow. Well, it didn't work.

While I cannot afford at this very moment to move out, I am staying my distance, and when I do get enough money to leave and make it on my own, I am leaving.

I have never complained to her about how much I give for our family, because I have done it all out of love, care, and respect. She obviously does that with conditions and expectations that nobody could ever possibly fulfill.

[once removed]

hey samuel s.

her behavior certainly sounds exasperating. you are understandably resentful of the double standards, and it does sound like you are feeling unfulfilled (if not stifled) in this relationship. i can understand your decision to create distance and leave. its a very personal decision, and a very tough one to make, and it sounds like youre beyond exhausted.

treat yourself well during this period of distance. lean on that support system. a plan will go a long way, and you can always bounce ideas among them. are there any details apart from creating distance and moving out (there dont have to be yet)? further down the road, you may want to do a lot of posting and reading in the legal board given your situation.

hang in there.