sad today

[Beach_Babe]

Maybe no one could miss me or care. Sorry for pity party today just tired of being looked down on tired of being something to upgrade from. My own family thinks it's even a hassle for me to make a visit home.

[Beach_Babe]

. I wonder why I end up in situations like this. I'm never going to have normal friendships relationships or life situations. I just can't overcome what's been done to me. My childhood with npd parents  was just so horrific.

[going places]

Hang

On

Pain

Ends.

Hope.

It's not a pity party, it's real.

Real hurt, raw feelings.

Real sadness.

Real weariness.

And yeah, when there is no one there to prop you up, support you, hold your hand, "tell you it's gonna be ok" then yeah, it may look like a pity party, but damn it, it hurts... .

HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.

This doesn't last forever.

Find something positive, and genuine (even if it's "Thank God I can see" and then build on it.

Practice gratitude for what you have (out loud)... .and some days it may be corny or you may struggle to find something (thank you I woke up, thank you I stood up, thank you I can see, hear, taste, etc).

Discover what YOUR gifts and talents are, and then remind yourself (example) I am an excellent "chef, mom, nurse, etc"... .

Remind yourself, your worth.

It's ok, this won't last forever. This is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train, I promise.

[Beach_Babe]

Thanks. I'm grateful for this board as I have worn everyone else out. Lol. How are you today?

[going places]

Most people do not know how to handle someone going thru what you are going thru.

Can you find an advocate in your area that can put you in touch w/ a group, so that once or twice a week, you can sit down with folks who understand, and talk?

[Beach_Babe]

I found a meetup group for nons  in my area. That seemed to help.

I worry though I'm putting too much focus on my pwBPD. I can't seem to unstick myself. It's pathetic hoping for contact that will likely never come. Just coming to terms now that he is gone.

[going places]

Babe... .you gotta focus on you.

IF you have to focus on him or the relationship do so LOGICALLY like an outsider looking into your relationship would do. Not thru rose colored glassed, but with brutal honesty... .

Sometimes that will 'assist you' in returning to focus on YOU where it belongs.

YOUR goals.

YOUR gifts and talents.

YOUR dreams and aspirations... .

Saying a prayer for you today.

[jhkbuzz]

I found a meetup group for nons  in my area. That seemed to help.

I worry though I'm putting too much focus on my pwBPD. I can't seem to unstick myself. It's pathetic hoping for contact that will likely never come. Just coming to terms now that he is gone.

Beach_Babe, it took me a while to take the focus off my ex... .I think it takes as long as it takes and it's different for everyone.  For me, it was really important to understand what I had been through and to have a coherent story of the last 8 years of my life. I inadvertently typed out my story recently to answer a question on another post, and when I was done I realized that I FINALLY understood; I FINALLY had a coherent story to tell. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279103.msg12640359#msg12640359). It took me about a year to figure it all out; both on my own (by reading and posting on these boards) and with the help of a therapist.

Having said that, I also knew early on that it was important to start rebuilding my life. Even when I felt like a solid block of pain. I got out of the house, met new people (meetup is awesome!), cycled, just kept MOVING. Even when I just wanted to curl up on the couch and cry myself to sleep, I kept moving.  If you do the same you will wake up one day and discover that you do indeed have friends, hope, and a future after the pain that you've been through.  I promise it will happen; it just takes time.  Time, time, time.

Several months into therapy (and especially after I had processed the worst of the pain), the focus began to shift off my ex and onto me. With the passage of time, I'm understanding clearly that the breakup, although painful, is not the source of my deepest pain.  The source of my deepest pain is my struggle with self worth, the fact that my ex soothed that pain for a while, and the fact that it has risen to the top again with no one but myself to soothe it.  This is actually a blessing; I'm going to get to the bottom of the pain and heal it myself; and I'm going to have a whole, happy life that I (and you and everyone else on these boards) deserve!

I'm sorry that you're struggling; I saw your first posts on these boards and I sincerely felt for you and for the depth of pain you were experiencing.  But I can tell you that you are MILES from where you were when you first started posting, even though you're struggling. It takes time; there's no magic potion or button to push, although I have fervently wished for one!

Do you have a therapist? Mine has been invaluable for my healing... .

[cloudten]

You may have worn everyone else out--- I know I have worn everyone else out in my life... .

BUT I don't think you'll ever wear out this board. 

Take care of yourself first. Be kind to yourself. Turn to your support group, your therapist, and us for the support you don't get from people who should be supporting you. They simply don't understand. No one understands unless they have been thru it. Sort of like divorce, suicide, drug abuse, having children, etc. Unless they have been thru it, they have no clue.

[enlighten me]

Hi BB

It does take a while. You notice it all of a sudden. You just get bored of it. Its like the initial talking about it phase. You go on and on about it. You bore everyone to deatg. Then one day you just cant be bothered to talk about it anymore. The same goes for thinking about them. Its further on in the recovery but it happens the same way. You just lose interest.

As for how your feeling I too can sympaythise.  You need to stop worrying what others think (easier said than done) and worry about how you feel about yourself. Have a proper look at what you like and dislike about yourself. Im betting theres more positives than negatives. I'll get you started. Loving, loyal, generous, empathic... .

When we start feeling good about ourselves things happen. We gain confidence and I believe we change on a chemical level. We produce numerous hormones depending on our moods. One positive one is oxytocin. A smile or hug can stimulate the production. This hormone is used by unscrupulous salesmen to gain our trust. They apparently spray it on like a pheromone.  So a more positive putlook really could be infectious.

Start off by doing little things that please you. Sometimes you just have to be selfish and do things for you and no one else.

Hope that made sense. Got my two year old sat on me as im typing so ive not been allowed to concentrate.

[rotiroti]

 

Hang in there BeachBabe! Lots of great advice here, about how important it is to take of ourselves first.

It's independence day weekend, are you planning to go see fireworks? It's also going to be beautiful pretty much everywhere in the states... It helps me personally to go cycling or walking outside. Being in the sun reminds me that life goes on and that it can be really beautiful

[cloudten]

My therapist recommended trying to be in nature when I am having a hard time. it seems to help. go out and listen to the birds singing or the wind rustling the leaves on the trees or a stream trickling. something about it does help. 

My BPD's therapist recommended to him doing something spiritual once every day. I liked this for myself too- and nature could be one way to be spiritual. Or if you a praying person, praying is great... .or meditation.  The other day I sat in a church for 5 minutes and even just sitting there without praying, but thinking quietly to myself was healing.

[Beach_Babe]

Jhkbuzz: thanks the vote of confidence and those kind words of wisdom. How long out has it been for you?

Cloudten: I started off on the staying board back in December. Gotta tell ya, never thought I'd be here. You as well?

Enlightenme: yes I have days now I'm bored talking about it. Other days I don't. I suppose that's an improvement from the 24/7 pain in the beginning. I noticed the change after 2 months. Kinda frustrated though im still stuck. How about you?

Neveragainthanks: going to the beach of course. Are u in the states as well?

[jhkbuzz]

Jhkbuzz: thanks the vote of confidence and those kind words of wisdom. How long out has it been for you?

We've been broken up for a year. However, our r/s was on the rails long before that... .

[enlighten me]

Hi BB

Yes bored of talking and thinking of my exs now. The only thing that keeps me stuck is my three sons. Two with ex wife and one with exgf.  At the moment my eldest have come to live with me and refuse contact with their mum so their is plenty of drama coming from her.