Ugh Why do they confuse me so much?

[MiserableDaughter]

My husband is traveling and I'm staying with my parents for the weekend with my son. I didn't want to stay with them because of unBPD mom'a obsessive behavior with my 3 year old. But this weekend after a very very long time, my mom was normal with me... .she was loving, and didn't give me any indirect comments or examples... .She laid off my son and let me be mommy instead of competing with me... .All this confuses me so much. Then I wonder, was I imagining all the other stuff? Is it me? Ugh! It's so confusing! I mean just a few weeks ago she was raging at me... I'm so confused... Such a roller coaster!

[Turkish]

I'd offer to say,."take what you can get and enjoy it," but it's not that simple. You can forget the other mom, and the past. And you're nervous when the other mom will return, which is likely. Do you feel it's something different in the way you're interacting with her, or just a radom, unpredictable, personality change for now? Is it possible at all to enjoy it?

[HappyChappy]

Your right it’s confusing with the gaslighting and the rest. As I understand it, a Borderline’s main worry is abandonment. When her daughter and granddaughter are there, maybe this sooths her main worry. I notice my BPD tends to use her manipulation more when stressed or worried.  Alice in Wonderland is supposedly written by a child of a borderline mother. If you know that book, nothing seams real. Enjoy the peace and you family. 

[AloneAtLast]

Why do they confuse you so much?  Because you still want to believe in your/our mommy/daddy myth.

Myth for me and you because it is just a hope... .

I don't think you are confused at all.  You just have a high tolerance for pain.

[peripatetic]

It's confusing because we recognize multitudes within ourselves but often think of other people as one monolithic thing. There are going to be periods when your mom is not experiencing emotional dysregulation and so the "best version" of herself shows through. But it's very circumstantial, and she still wouldn't have respect for your boundaries if you tested her. There may be no intention to manipulate or deceive on mom's part (even if this is often the end result for you), but the key thing for you to remember during moments like this is that this regressive hope you feel is merely an illusion that, if followed, would only reset the cycle. I don't know your exact circumstance, but I'd imagine your mom has never sought treatment for her illness, and so long as she's not aware of the problem and trying to get better, you cannot afford to think of her the way you did as a child.

Another way to think about it: This vacillation between knowing your mom is toxic, and wondering if you've got it all wrong, might be ameliorated by recognizing that rarely is anyone "all bad" or "all good", but the overall effect someone has on you can tip more often into one or the other of these categories. So try to remember that you've already figured out that your mom is more often bad for you than good, even if she's having a good moment. You can enjoy these moments when they come, but own that enjoyment for yourself and don't let it make you second-guess what you've already figured out about the dynamic.

I'll see myself off my high horse of crackpot theories now. 

[MiserableDaughter]

Yeah, I have to realize that it's all temporary. The roller coaster changes in an instant... .But it's so easy to suddenly feel guilty and feel some level of hope. But then I always end up disappointed. Weird how just a little nice behavior from them can sort of erase the bad stuff in my mind... .maybe because I want a normal mom so badly... .

[GreenGlit]

I can really relate to this feeling because I experience it all the time with my uBPD mother. As an example, she has been extremely cold to me for ~5 months concerning details of my wedding (I'll spare the story for this post) - like, extremely cold, short fuse, and hurtful words. Then yesterday she calls me and is completely normal, as if yelling at me 2 days ago about how she'll "never forgive you until the day I die" didn't even happen. She was perfectly happy, cordial, and friendly.

My T describes this as moments of clarity within her disorganized world. Generally her personality disorder keeps her from seeing things as they normally are, and misperceiving even the tiniest of details. And then, for whatever reason, she will have a good day, and she can interact with the world normally. However, something will always push her off the edge again, eventually.

It's not you. You are not misperceiving things. She is having a good day - enjoy it! Enjoy the time of clarity you have with your mother, but remember that it is very likely she will fly off the handle eventually. It hurts every time it happens because it's easy to develop hope that things will improve. But if you prepare yourself for the regression, it will be easier to manage.

[daughterandmom]

Hi MiserableDaughter

This is good advice from peripatetic

This vacillation between knowing your mom is toxic, and wondering if you've got it all wrong, might be ameliorated by recognizing that rarely is anyone "all bad" or "all good", but the overall effect someone has on you can tip more often into one or the other of these categories. So try to remember that you've already figured out that your mom is more often bad for you than good, even if she's having a good moment. You can enjoy these moments when they come, but own that enjoyment for yourself and don't let it make you second-guess what you've already figured out about the dynamic.

I do the same thing. Every time she seems sane I think it's just me being too hard on her. That I had it wrong and she really is loving and kind and is only doing the best she can. But it never works. It's hard just wanting a mom. I'm sorry - I feel for you.