I tried to go back to the Skype conversations tonight to figure out what was going on with my partnerwBPD. Instead I came upon a conversation from 9 months ago, where he was expressing his fear that he was going to become jaded to the relationship and that things would turn out like they did with his ex, where the relationship was dead and empty and he no longer cared for me. That didn't happen. I'm not sure it even came close. I know there was a point back in the beginning of April when he told me that he wasn't feeling attracted to me anymore and barely liked me. It was painful to hear, but you know, I accepted it.
This is what's going on. Things might end. I accept that. I will do everything I can to maintain the health of this relationship, but I'm also ready to let go if I must. I now understand more thoroughly where he was coming from, though. It wasn't really my fault, but I didn't make it better, either. He would tell me things that he was feeling, and instead of validating it, I'd kind of ignore the feelings and hit him with facts and truths instead and then tell him I love him.
I wasn't listening to him. Pure and simple. I was hearing the words but I had a ways to go in terms of trying to understand and pick out the underlying message.
"I'm scared."
Me- "Well I do everything to try to make everyone happy." JADE
"I need you right now. I feel abandoned."
Me; "I can't make you happy and tend to my responsibilities at the same time. Why can't you understand that?" JADE
Think it kind of like how you don't treat children as mini adults. They take in everything raw and accept every word. Explaining things to them in adult concepts won't make a difference to them.
It hurts rereading some of those conversations. He was in pain and I was too blinded by my own 'My perspective is the correct one.' to see it. I had a paradigm shift at some point around that time that made me realise how little compassion I'd been showing him. I'd gone on the super defense.
I have some semblance of regret here, and some guilt, but it's also a huge shift in our communication patterns. I was reacting to the BPD, and not to him. I had to figure things out for myself before I could really be there for him. This break has also been incredibly clarifying and it has put in place a lot more stability between us. We're not as 'addicted' to each other and I find that I pay more attention to him when I do spend time with him.
I hope you know how much everything you do means to me, and even more how much everything you don't do, means.
By that I mean... .you don't ignore me. You don't leave me feeling alone or abandoned. You don't add instability or insecurity to my life. You don't make me worry. There are things you really don't do. That I don't think I can say for anyone else I've ever been with. I think, if for no other reason, the amount of effort you put in, that you try, that you understand, that you have compassion... .will let this relationship work.
I teared up. No lie.
