Newland
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: July 08, 2015, 06:01:40 AM » |
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I need help. I feel like I am going crazy and just can't take this anymore. My partner has just moved out for the second time in three days. Another morning of apologies, followed by another evening of anger, moodiness, and eventually her packing her bags and storming out. I've lost count of how many times this has happened this year, but it has to be at least four times, where I've kicked her out, after drunken tirades filled with aggression and destruction (two of which required police intervention), and then another four or five times where she has just walked out. Honestly, how many times does this have to happen. Will it ever get better?
I met my partner online over a year and a half ago, and we connected instantly. We developed a relationship online for six months, and then she moved here for us to start a life together. Right from the very beginning, there were signs that something wasn't quite right. She would "go off" at the slightest thing with little or no indication as to what caused it, leaving me feeling lost and confused. I felt attacked for no reason. We once fought for eight hours straight on Skype (if you can believe that is even possible!). I used to say that I couldn't stand the volatility, and had never experienced anything like it in my life. She would always come back though with apologies and warmth, and I would feel OK again. In hindsight, they were huge red flags.
We used to live on the other side of the world from each other, and in my naivety, I used to put a lot of it just down to tiredness. I later discovered that she was actually drunk a lot of the time that we were talking, and the longer we talked, the more she would slur, and the more I stupidly put it down to tiredness. In hindsight, I was so thick.
Despite all of this, she eventually moved over here. She's been living here for just over a year now, and I can honestly say, that its been hell since month number two. It has been the hardest year of my life. The roller coaster has been so extreme - the moods, the rage, the jealousy, the extreme black and white thinking, the pent up anger, and the constant eggshells on which I have had to tread. I try and be understanding - she's dealing with moving countries, leaving her friends and family, giving up everything she had, and moving into a ready made family. All VERY big stuff for anyone to deal with.
In Feb, my counsellor suggested that she might have BPD. I didn't know what it was, so I looked into it, and couldn't believe what I was reading. It was like a biography. It was a mirror into our lives. I mentioned the possibility to her, and she actually was very receptive to it. The tears flowed, the relief obvious, that maybe there was something that she could put her finger on that was causing all of her distress. I instantly thought that this was good. If there is acknowledgment, then there is hope, right?
If only it was that simple. It has now been five months since that discussion. I have read everything there is to know about BPD. I know it intellectually - but emotionally, I'm screaming inside. She blames me for "knowing" about it, and she cannot understand why I do not have my emotions in perfect check, able to do everything that is required to help her. I have read all about DBT, validation, timing of conversations, when to let things go, etc, etc, but it is so hard sometimes. She cannot understand why I am not perfect at this stuff. I keep saying to her, that knowing it doesn't mean I can do it instantly, but she just gets more and more angry that I could say anything that might trigger her.
She finally read a booklet on BPD today. It is the first time she has done that. She went through and highlighted parts of the book that she felt were pertinent to her. She then showed me the book, and asked me what I thought about it. I told her that I was aware of those things. We ended up in a huge fight, and I then asked her if she was able to think for one moment what it is like to be me. She always gets angry at me because I should have more understanding because she says she can't help it. I try. I do. I have read so much, and I try and put all the tools into play, but I stuff up probably 60% of the time. I make things worse. I asked her if she could put herself in my shoes for just one moment and try and see what its like for me to be on the receiving end of all of those things that she just acknowledged she does, but she couldn't. I shouldn't have expected her to I guess.
We have damaged each other so much. There is so much pain that we both wear. She feels controlled because I won't allow drinking in the house after the drunken violence and destruction. I feel like all trust has gone. Every hurtful thing that either of us have ever said, comes back for a second life at some point. Nothing is ever forgotten. How can a relationship move forward in such an environment? And yet I desperately want it to. I don't want to give up on this. I don't want to give up on her.
I feel so lost. So trapped. I keep thinking there is hope, and then we have another fight, and the rage comes, and I just want out. And then we both calm down, and the closeness comes back, and I remember how much I love her. This is just so hard.
Right now, she has gone again. Whether she will be back, I have no idea. History tells me she will be, but who knows. I really want her to come back. Its always easy to think everything will be OK when she's not here. Then she comes back, and the cycle starts again. I do love her though, and thats the problem. Everyone tells me to leave, but my heart just won't let me.
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