After a recycle do you feel terrible about yourself?

[michel71]

Recycle after recycle. Here are my range of emotions in order: First there is relief ( no breakup), then there is exhaustion, then hopefulness, then numbness, then feeling like I have betrayed MYSELF for still being with her, then dread that it will happen again, then feeling stupid for still dealing with this BS and then stress to maintain the status quo then... .well, you know the "then"... .another dis-regulation. I also feel a lot of sadness in between these varied emotions and even after times have been "good" ( like a nice day or something sweet she has said to me).

What is the difference between us nons and battered spouses?

My best friend says I am and I worry that all who know me will lose respect for me. My therapist says to get out and that I deluding myself. I once consulted with a psychic. He said "get out or you will go broke". Nobody says stay. yet I do because I love this woman... .even though.

I see the world passing by me, couples being happy together, people enjoying life to its fullest and then there is me... .hoping that today will end well and with no arguments.

I always try to move forward but I just can't forget all the terrible things that were said and done to me. Then I look at our wedding pictures and my heart breaks.

[JQ]

Recycle after recycle. Here are my range of emotions in order: First there is relief ( no breakup), then there is exhaustion, then hopefulness, then numbness, then feeling like I have betrayed MYSELF for still being with her, then dread that it will happen again, then feeling stupid for still dealing with this BS and then stress to maintain the status quo then... .well, you know the "then"... .another dis-regulation. I also feel a lot of sadness in between these varied emotions and even after times have been "good" ( like a nice day or something sweet she has said to me).

What is the difference between us nons and battered spouses?

My best friend says I am and I worry that all who know me will lose respect for me. My therapist says to get out and that I deluding myself. I once consulted with a psychic. He said "get out or you will go broke". Nobody says stay. yet I do because I love this woman... .even though.

I see the world passing by me, couples being happy together, people enjoying life to its fullest and then there is me... .hoping that today will end well and with no arguments.

I always try to move forward but I just can't forget all the terrible things that were said and done to me. Then I look at our wedding pictures and my heart breaks.

Michel71,

You my friend are no different then anyone one of us in the group. Lets review a couple of comments here ... .Recycle after recycle ... .this is NEVER going to end with your BPD gf ... .learn it, know it, live it!  I have some questions for you ... .Do you like being exhausted? Do you like feeling hopeless, numbness? Do you like the feeling of betraying yourself? If the answer to anyone one of those is no ... .then you know the direction you need to go. Ask yourself a very basic question when it comes to this relationship as everyone should when they're in any relationship and either want to stay in it or take it to the next level. Why do you love this woman?  Is it because she makes you feel special? Because of the love and respect that she has for you? Because she is kind hearted, giving of herself? Is it because she is or would be a great mother to your children? Does she treat others with respect? Is she financially stable? Is she there for you as a emotional rock in times when you need it?  I'm thinking the answer to most of those is ... .ummm NO  ! SO why do you continue to want to be with her? I have an idea because I was unaware of what I was doing ... .for reasons beyond your control you are probably a care giver ... .willing to sacrifice yourself for others ... .regardless of who it is. You feel you can help a person in distress? You are the Knight who comes to the rescue. You are the cowboy who wears the white hat who keep calm and order in your world.  You will continue to give of yourself, your wallet, your home and the shirt off your back because at your core that is who you are ... .am I close here? The things that you're going through is mental abuse from your spouse, that can lead to physical abuse, that can lead to other things. Mental abuse is still spousal abuse ... .don't kid yourself.

I was like that ... .because of circumstances beyond my control I grew up to become a people pleaser, the Knight, the Cowboy, sacrificing my mental and physical health, my wallet to others regardless of the relationship ... .but especially to my BPD gf at the time. What I've come to learn is that this condition or person is called a Care Giver or CO-dependant ... .and a Co-dependent and someone who is a BPD are complete opposites in the relationship and behavioral worlds ... .and like magnets opposites attract. It is the perfect storm for relationships ... .one will always ... .ALWAYS give of themselves and the other will ALWAYS ... .ALWAYS TAKE from the relationship!  Many hours of therapy, reading books about myself, and those who I'm attracted to such as BPDs, and researching websites about the behavior has made me more self aware of who I am, and why I am ... .should I say the way I WAS. I have learned to say no ... .trust me it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do ... .learn to say no. The good news is ... .is that you can correct your behavior and live a "normal" life ... .the BPD is pretty "damaged" and will need counseling for the rest of the life most likely and in some cases in addition to meds ... .but they have to want to save themselves and see a therapist and want to make a change for the better ... .if not for the relationship ... .for themselves. And getting any BPD into therapy as most post here will tell you is like pulling teeth on a Great White shark.

From reading your post you have taking a step in the right direction ... .you've noticed other couples that are enjoying themselves and enjoying life ... .we all deserve it as do you. I'm sorry to hear about your wife ... .it's a hard situation to be in ... .I was engaged to one BPD ... .dated yet another ... .and possibly married not one but maybe two. I figured it was time to learn about myself and what relationships are meant to be since I didn't  have a great example of one when I was growing up. 

Repeat after me ... .YOU didn't Cause this ... .YOU can't Control it ... .YOU can't Cure it ... .as hard as it is ... .it sounds as you want to leave this situation ... .and others have told you as well. My last BPD gf has an ex husband ... .he left because of her behavior ... .they have two children ... .he left not only for himself but for the kids. He gets them for 1/2 the time ... .and has met a wonderful, stable woman with 2 kids of her own. They're now engaged to be married and he is rather happy by all indications and the kids have a stable home and a good example of what a good relationship is suppose to be like.  He was in your boat ... .it was sinking ... .he had to save himself and his girls ... .someone through him a life ring and he is surviving ... .happily !  You will too ... .if you stay ... .expect a lifetime of what you've had ... .your mental health will decline ... .your physical health will decline and their are studies out there to suggest that S/O of people of BPD will shorten their life because of the day in and day out of living with someone with BPD & the constant stress it puts on your body, mind and soul.  The choice is yours ... .it's not easy ... .no one will judge you ... .but it seems to me that the people close to you that know how you're being treated want you to be happy, be healthy and to move on.

Respect yourself Michel71 ... .no matter if you stay or go get some counseling for yourself ... .do a self evaluation ... .really think about why you love this person ... .then remember you can't Cure it ... .You can't fix it ... .You didn't Cause it ... .You can't control it.  You NEED to take care of yourself !  You need to get healthy ! You need to get in a good place in your life!   

Come here as much as you need to to vent, seek out counsel, to learn ... .read about others experiences ... .there are no judges here ... .we all seek out to live a more happy healthy lifestyle ... .

Stay safe, be well

JQ

[Lucky Jim]

Hey michel71, presumably you continue to return for more recycles because, despite all evidence to the contrary, you are still getting "something" out of the r/s on some fundamental level.  Have you given any thought to why you keep recycling and/or what it is that keeps you coming back?  There must be some reason why you persist when others would probably call it a day. 

There are tough questions, I know, because I was once in your shoes and engaged in numerous recycles.

LuckyJim

[Herodias]

I can totally relate to what you are saying! Totally! I have seen my BPD husband twice last week and today he seemed to rage at me already today.  I guess I was putting pressure on him just like his girlfriend is doing! This is ridiculous! Why am I doing this? Because I am co-dependant! Also, I am afraid I won't meet anyone else- there I said it! Seriously, I know I like drama to a degree, but I don't think I am going to meet someone who makes me feel like he does.( The good part, ... .) I don't like being alone and I think I am accepting a little of him as to have none! I do feel like crap about it. I hate my life at the moment and as you said... .I feel like I am judged by people around me and that I am as sick as he is. He gives a little and makes me believe he loves me and it is not going to last with her , but he's not willing to let her go and come back! How sick is that? No normal person would put up with this I believe. I don't like myself today.

[michel71]

JQ... .incredible response... .thank you so much for taking the time to help me ask myself some tough questions. Lucky Jim and the rest, thank you too.

This is why I stay: I fell in love with a woman whom I thought was my soul mate. It was exciting, sexy, very deep and very intense. I have never felt so wanted before. I walked on air. I put a lot into the relationship. We were a bi-national couple. I am from the US, she from the UK. I traveled to the UK about 10 times in the 2 years that we were courting. She came here as well. I put a lot of money and energy into keeping this relationship afloat. I believed with every breath of my being that she was the one, the "it" girl. I was married twice before, had a few disappointing relationships (none of them BPD to my knowledge).

My wife is an undiagnosed BPD, although she thinks that I am the crazy one! Indeed... .Maybe I am for staying.

I am still hoping for a miracle and the times that I have tried to end it and let her go... .well... .I am the one that can't go through with it. I feel like I just don't know what life is like anymore without her. She has been literally my world since I met her.

What do I get out of it? Companionship. Great sex (when we are "ok". She can be fun and funny. When I am down about anything but her or the relationship she really listens to me and cares about me. I am also hoping for a financial return on investment. I spent a great deal of money so far. She promised that once she gets a job she will "replace" the savings account that dwindled down to almost nothing. She is about 5 months away from making solid 6 figure money. She was a professional in the UK and has to do some "bridging courses" here to get licensed. Sounds like I am money driven but I am not. It is about her promises and fairness. I guess I want her to go through with one solid promise, maybe in hopes that it will redeem her behaviors a bit? Maybe that is completely twisted logic.

Overwhelmingly I am not ready to let go of the dream. And I was head over heels for her. It is hard to give up on that. Hard to admit to the train wreck when all I wanted was something wonderful.

I am not afraid to be alone or afraid that I won't find anybody else. I just love her.

[Herodias]

I am head over heels in love with my husband as well,,, so is his girlfriend : (  It just makes it all seem so fake to me. How can they go around making people fall so hard for them and then change into a total angry person, then run off to someone else and be the nice one again. Why don't they just stay nice to us and have a good relationship with out moving on all the time ?I just don't understand.

[apollotech]

How can they go around making people fall so hard for them and then change into a total angry person, then run off to someone else and be the nice one again. Why don't they just stay nice to us and have a good relationship with out moving on all the time ?I just don't understand.

Herodias,

It's not fake; it is a mental illness.

When engulfment sets in, either they run or they run the Non off (abnormal push behavior). They suck people in because of idealization (abnormal pull behavior).

When one becomes a trigger, one will always be a trigger for the abnormal behavior. Your husband probably recognizes you as a trigger, and that's why he isn't returning. When the gf begins triggering his engulfment, he'll likely run from her.

Now, this is where the work needs to be done. You need to kick your self-esteem into gear. Build yourself up; take care of you. Your worth is not tied to him.

[JQ]

I can totally relate to what you are saying! Totally! I have seen my BPD husband twice last week and today he seemed to rage at me already today.  I guess I was putting pressure on him just like his girlfriend is doing! This is ridiculous! Why am I doing this? Because I am co-dependant! Also, I am afraid I won't meet anyone else- there I said it! Seriously, I know I like drama to a degree, but I don't think I am going to meet someone who makes me feel like he does.( The good part, ... .) I don't like being alone and I think I am accepting a little of him as to have none! I do feel like crap about it. I hate my life at the moment and as you said... .I feel like I am judged by people around me and that I am as sick as he is. He gives a little and makes me believe he loves me and it is not going to last with her , but he's not willing to let her go and come back! How sick is that? No normal person would put up with this I believe. I don't like myself today.

Herodias,

I was where you are ... .and like me ... .you'll get to the point where you've had enough and will put your foot down. The thing that did it for me ... .was I wasn't going to share her with another man and told her as much. I told her that I wasn't going to be part of any type of a 3 way ... .it's not worth any type of STD or UTI. I carried my friends casket several years back ... .she died of AIDS after her husband had "extra" relationships ... .it was that wake up call for me that no matter how good the sex is ... .it's not worth it to die for it. And you know what ... .there are other men out there that will make you feel "that way ... .you know the good part". There is 7, 810, 423,756 people in the world ... .just in case you're S/O is feeling irreplaceable ... .jus saying.

At least you know you're codependent ... .and that's half the battle ... .seek out some counseling for yourself as I did ... .and then you can have the mutually respectful, loving and caring relationship we all want and deserve. Learn to respect yourself ... .if you don't respect yourself how do you expect any man that is worth having is going to respect you?  

It'll get better ... .it always does ... .you know what you want in your heart ... .

Please take care of yourself ... .respect yourself ... .and be in a loving, caring, respectful relationship that you deserve.

JQ

[JQ]

I am head over heels in love with my husband as well,,, so is his girlfriend : (  It just makes it all seem so fake to me. How can they go around making people fall so hard for them and then change into a total angry person, then run off to someone else and be the nice one again. Why don't they just stay nice to us and have a good relationship with out moving on all the time ?I just don't understand.

Herodias,

What is written and what you & michel71 and the rest of the group for that matter need to know is your S/O who is BPD has learned to survive from early childhood events. They are very much like a chameleon ... .or a "shape shifter" if you will. PLEASE don't beat yourself up for it either ... .mine did the same thing ... .all of them do. It's a survival technique that they learned ... .they have a unique ability to learn and understand what the other person needs or wants or is missing in their life and has learned to give that to bring you in closer ... .I've heard the analogy of vampire ... .the female Black-widow will entice the male into her layer ... .gives him the night of his life ... .then afterwards she kills and eats him ... .like the female Preying mantis will bite the head off her male encounter after she has sex with him ... .jus saying. You can apply the same analogy Kimnshasha but in reverse ... .we're not sexist in here. Someone who has BPD will have multiple partners ... .it's what they do regardless if they say they don't or you don't want to believe them. They triangulate ... .it's a common thing with BPDs. Once you're "black" then they will find comfort in the arms of the other ... .until they go "black" and now your the cowboy with the white hat and they'll come back to you.

They rage at you, yell insane accusations at you saying it's all your fault and then they leave you before you can leave them. It's a defense mechanism they've developed over years ... .the behavior was developed to protect themselves from abandonment ... .doesn't matter if it's real or not. Even the slight perception of you leaving is enough for them to react they way they do. It hurts, it sucks, but it's what they do.  It's not your fault ... .remember ... .YOU didn't Cause it ... .YOU CAN'T control it ... .YOU CAN'T cure it ... .APOLLOTECH is spot on ... .YOUR WORTH IS NOT TIED TO HIM OR HER IN THE CASE OF MICHEL71!   You two are human beings who deserve to be happy, deserve to be in a caring RESPECTFUL relationship ... .I'll ask you the same question ... .why do you love your husband? I mean besides the great sex ... .it is well known that BPDs have great awesome mind blowing sex ... .the intimacy is off the charts ... .the closeness you feel is nothing like you've ever felt before ... .I'm a close here? Yeah I felt the same thing ... .more than once with more then one BPD s/o ... .Really ... .grab a glass of wine ... .quite place in the house ... .maybe some soft jazz ... .take a deep breath ... .and really evaluate your relationship with him or her ... .is he / she going to be there when YOU need them?  o they respect YOU or do they abuse your heart ... .your kindness?  o they anticipate your return back to the house after the end of the day at work in a good way ? Do they show  you ... .tell you ... .that they love you? That they admire who they are when you're with them ... .do you have a normal day to day relationship ... .really?  If you look deep in your heart ... .push aside the as my BPD gf admitted in a text ... ."o we play well together? Yes do we have passionate knky wild f*&K you sex make love with abandonment? Yes". But in the end ... .that's all it really was ... .she makes six figures a year and has nothing to show for it ... .I've seen her expenses and really don't know where the money goes. She has wild exhaustive thoughts about how she wants her kids to grow up and how she wants to influence their lives ... .she constantly flirts with men she works with and meets ... .during one of our short 6 month break ... .she admitted to dating two ex bf and joined not one  ... .not two but about 3 or 4 online dating sites ... .and admitted that she met for a date with no less then 24 of them ... .now she tells me that she didn't sleep with any of them but actually had phone sex with one of them after writing a rather erotic email to him. What is fact and what is fiction is hard to separate ... .I made the choice that I was better then this ... .I DESERVED better then this ... .it wasn't worth STD's or UTI's ... .she is NOT worth dieing from AIDS ... .or worse yet ... .genital herpes or warts. I guess you two have to decide that for yourself ... .that's what really made it easy for me ... .that and I didn't want the day to day drama for what ever was the emergency was perceived ... .I have encouraged her continued visits with her counselor / therapist ... .but I told her I'm done ... .no more 3 way of any type ... .but that's me ... .I won't judge you for your choices ... .

I encourage you to seek out your own counseling and therapy to help you with your codependency ... .you need to learn to say no ... .respect yourself and live a life that is full of love, mutual respect and caring ... .you deserve it.

Be well

JQ

[Loosestrife]

How can they go around making people fall so hard for them and then change into a total angry person, then run off to someone else and be the nice one again. Why don't they just stay nice to us and have a good relationship with out moving on all the time ?I just don't understand.

Herodias,

It's not fake; it is a mental illness.

When engulfment sets in, either they run or they run the Non off (abnormal push behavior). They suck people in because of idealization (abnormal pull behavior).

When one becomes a trigger, one will always be a trigger for the abnormal behavior. Your husband probably recognizes you as a trigger, and that's why he isn't returning. When the gf begins triggering his engulfment, he'll likely run from her.

Now, this is where the work needs to be done. You need to kick your self-esteem into gear. Build yourself up; take care of you. Your worth is not tied to him.

Once we become triggers is that the end? Or is there something we can do about it?

[apollotech]

How can they go around making people fall so hard for them and then change into a total angry person, then run off to someone else and be the nice one again. Why don't they just stay nice to us and have a good relationship with out moving on all the time ?I just don't understand.

Herodias,

It's not fake; it is a mental illness.

When engulfment sets in, either they run or they run the Non off (abnormal push behavior). They suck people in because of idealization (abnormal pull behavior).

When one becomes a trigger, one will always be a trigger for the abnormal behavior. Your husband probably recognizes you as a trigger, and that's why he isn't returning. When the gf begins triggering his engulfment, he'll likely run from her.

Now, this is where the work needs to be done. You need to kick your self-esteem into gear. Build yourself up; take care of you. Your worth is not tied to him.

Once we become triggers is that the end? Or is there something we can do about it?

Loose,

My answer to that is no, but I could be wrong. You'd get a better response to your question on the Staying Board. If you want to stay in your relationship, the people and resources associated with that board could better help you.

[michel71]

Honestly, if my uBPDw had an affair, that would be it. And that would make it a lot easier. That is my #1 firmest boundary in life. Strange how that is such a deal breaker for me when general bad treatment, rages, degrading, etc. are not. Well, it's no so strange. I had a mother like that.

[chill1986]

Haven't had a recycle, my ex hates me so much I don't think it will happen ha!

[Herodias]

Thank you for all the good advice... .I just found out they are going on a short trip to visit her family and he lied about it all again... .creating a big story that was unbelievable. I caught it and confronted him. He admitted it. I think as he said, he feels "safe" with me because I am the only one that knows the whole truth about him and all of his issues. I am convinced to let him go once again, since he does not want to work on himself. He doesn't want to give her up either and even though I believe that he really isn't that happy with her, he is getting something out of it and since I "abandoned" him, he doesn't fully trust me to be there always- I am going to try to move forward. I am just so sad and lonely I guess. If there are so many people in the world, then why is it so hard to meet someone?

[JQ]

Thank you for all the good advice... .I just found out they are going on a short trip to visit her family and he lied about it all again... .creating a big story that was unbelievable. I caught it and confronted him. He admitted it. I think as he said, he feels "safe" with me because I am the only one that knows the whole truth about him and all of his issues. I am convinced to let him go once again, since he does not want to work on himself. He doesn't want to give her up either and even though I believe that he really isn't that happy with her, he is getting something out of it and since I "abandoned" him, he doesn't fully trust me to be there always- I am going to try to move forward. I am just so sad and lonely I guess. If there are so many people in the world, then why is it so hard to meet someone?

Herodias,

My ex BPD gf told me time after time the same thing in regards to the feeling safe, you're the only one that knows everything about me ... .verbatim ... .to scary ... .almost like their reading from the same script. You're situation is very much like a mirror of mine ... .it's really scary. But she continues to go to her therapist ... .discusses issues ... .but she still with him and gives me yet another excuse after excuse ... .Words like, " i'm so confused ... .I don't know what I'm doing anymore". I've heard that one more then I care to admit ... .

I texted her the following after another incident ... ."You know K, I'm not even upset, angry or hurt anymore ... .I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort then I receive, I'm tired of holding on for nothing ... .I'm tired of believing all the lies ... .I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again ... .I'm tired ... ."  

She then went on a texting and calling spree ... .apologizing ... .saying she's sorry ... .that she's not getting what she wants from BF2, that she knows that the relationship with bf2 is working out, it has to come to an end, it's not what she wants ... .but had to come to that conclusion herself. Because it's not working with him she knows she can call me, reach to to me because I care and love her ... .but you know ... .there's a couple of things posted out there on a couple of sights I go to ... ."Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a F----.  You can't treat people like s--- and then expect them to love you?

I told her I wasn't going to be in any type of 3 way relationship ... .I love you to much for that ... .I care for you to much ... .I respect you to much ... .more importantly I respect myself to much for that. The problem is that you don't respect me ... .and I can't be in any relationship that is not have mutual respect for the other person.  I think that maybe turned a light bulb on ... but honestly ... .I'm actually pretty damn tired of it all ... .it's mentally exhausting ... .there will always be doubt  ... .there will always be the day to day drama ... .there will always be a crises to deal with ... .and I''m just mentally and physically exhausted from all of it. I have been in better relationships that show mutual respect, caring and love for each other ... .as much as I did want it to work out ... .the winds of change have increased ... .and is very close to blowing out that candle in the window I lit for her ... .

Respect yourself ... .above all else ... .respect yourself. There are plenty of men out there who will respect you ... .you like me feel alone ... .but in a matter of a few short weeks ... .4-6 ... .you'll feel better ... .things will turn around ... .you'll get asked out on a date and you'll say yes. The only limitations are the ones you put on yourself ... . spread your wings woman !  Fly free and explore all that life is offering to you ... .just open your eyes and explore!

JQ