My Need to Feel Needed/Book Recommendation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Something that I have become more aware of is my need to feel needed.  Despite the fact that we are still together, I still miss feeling needed by my wife.  In fact, I think her needing me may have been a bigger hook than the sex.

I think being needed goes right along with pleasing others. 

I have tried to always go above and beyond in all areas of my life.  Yet, I see other people making much less effort AND GETTING BETTER RESULTS!

Usually, this had made me resentful in life and made me try harder.

Now, I put myself in other people's shoes.  "Would Harry bother to do this?"   

"Would Curly loose sleep over this?"

"Would Shemp make the effort?"

Since slowing myself down and increasing my awareness of my people pleasing and desire to be needed, I have also noticed a ton of tension in my body.  My muscles are tight a great deal from inner stress.  I have been trying to give myself massages as best I can to ease my tension.

I have also learned not to get too down when I am criticized, and too happy when I am needed or receive a compliment.

Lastly, I would like to recommend a book, it is called "MIND FIST," by Ha Ha Lung.  I try to read on a variety of subjects, and this is a book on martial arts.  Surprisingly, a great part of the first half of the book is concerning bullying and dealing with bullies.

The fascinating thing is, Dr. Lung draws up comparisons and contrasts between bullies and victims, and he more or less described BPD's and Co-dependents.  He states that they come from the same background, it's just that they chose to deal with their issues in opposite ways.

I am only about halfway through the book, but it is very insightful.  Right now I am reading a chapter on discovering your inner "Tiger" and exercising the body and the mind.  It also has some great relaxation exercises.

[workinprogress]

Something that I have become more aware of is my need to feel needed.  Despite the fact that we are still together, I still miss feeling needed by my wife.  In fact, I think her needing me may have been a bigger hook than the sex.

I think being needed goes right along with pleasing others. 

I have tried to always go above and beyond in all areas of my life.  Yet, I see other people making much less effort AND GETTING BETTER RESULTS!

Usually, this had made me resentful in life and made me try harder.

Now, I put myself in other people's shoes.  "Would Harry bother to do this?"   

"Would Curly loose sleep over this?"

"Would Shemp make the effort?"

Since slowing myself down and increasing my awareness of my people pleasing and desire to be needed, I have also noticed a ton of tension in my body.  My muscles are tight a great deal from inner stress.  I have been trying to give myself massages as best I can to ease my tension.

I have also learned not to get too down when I am criticized, and too happy when I am needed or receive a compliment.

Lastly, I would like to recommend a book, it is called "MIND FIST," by Ha Ha Lung.  I try to read on a variety of subjects, and this is a book on martial arts.  Surprisingly, a great part of the first half of the book is concerning bullying and dealing with bullies.

The fascinating thing is, Dr. Lung draws up comparisons and contrasts between bullies and victims, and he more or less described BPD's and Co-dependents.  He states that they come from the same background, it's just that they chose to deal with their issues in opposite ways.

I am only about halfway through the book, but it is very insightful.  Right now I am reading a chapter on discovering your inner "Tiger" and exercising the body and the mind.  It also has some great relaxation exercises.

[Heldfast]

Try a few of these, they really helped. Some are directly self help, some are just good for self improvement.

The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship by Don Miguel Ruiz

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker

Starting Strength, 3rd edition by Mark Rippetoe and Jason Kelly

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach

I also found a wide variety of TED talks helpful, those are free off youtube, same with Tony Robbins, have to give him some credit.  I'll check out Mind Fist, thanks for the recommendation.

[workinprogress]

Try a few of these, they really helped. Some are directly self help, some are just good for self improvement.

The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship by Don Miguel Ruiz

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker

Starting Strength, 3rd edition by Mark Rippetoe and Jason Kelly

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach

I also found a wide variety of TED talks helpful, those are free off youtube, same with Tony Robbins, have to give him some credit.  I'll check out Mind Fist, thanks for the recommendation.

Thanks so much, heldfast!