Any experiences with this?

[jammo1989]

Hey guys, just a thought, would having a baby trigger a borderline, due to intimacy, or does it soothe the whole situation due to having supply? What did you guys experience after having a child with an ex Bpd?

[LonelyChild]

Hey guys, just a thought, would having a baby trigger a borderline, due to intimacy, or does it soothe the whole situation due to having supply? What did you guys experience after having a child with an ex Bpd?

Although I don't have a child, please don't get one with a pwBPD. My father is uBPD and growing up with a BPD parent is hell.

[rotiroti]

Hey guys, just a thought, would having a baby trigger a borderline, due to intimacy, or does it soothe the whole situation due to having supply? What did you guys experience after having a child with an ex Bpd?

I haven't had a child, but from Stop Walking on Eggshells and I hate you -- Don't Leave Me, having a child soothes the BPD. It's a source of identity and soothing until the child starts to challenge its own identity around age 2-3.

[Skip]

Jammo,

For the foreseeable future, she going to be immersed in the beauty and stresses of being a new mom.  

And even if the child eventually stresses the relationship (maybe he doesn't want to get up in the middle of the night), do you want to get between the baby and its father, her and her baby daddy.

If I remember, you were hesitant to have a child with her (right?).  :)o you want to take on another mans child or get into a triangle?

Skip

[jammo1989]

Jammo,

For the foreseeable future, she going to be immersed in the beauty and stresses of being a new mom.  

And even if the child eventually stresses the relationship (maybe he doesn't want to get up in the middle of the night), do you want to get between the baby and its father, her and her baby daddy.

If I remember, you were hesitant to have a child with her (right?).  Do you want to take on another mans child or get into an triangle?

Skip

Yeah I was hesitant and I would not have the will power to triangulate, not after this anyway, the reason why I asked was because, Its as if Im self reflecting on everything (maybe triggered by the birth) I dont know, a part of me wants something to happen just to prove to myself once and for all that I really did dodge a bullet, I know deep down I did, but maybe because this triggered me a im not thinking logically regarding the whole dodging a bullet thing.   

[jammo1989]

Hey guys, just a thought, would having a baby trigger a borderline, due to intimacy, or does it soothe the whole situation due to having supply? What did you guys experience after having a child with an ex Bpd?

Although I don't have a child, please don't get one with a pwBPD. My father is uBPD and growing up with a BPD parent is hell.

Dont worry mate I dont, I was close to, but my replacement had one with her a few days ago, and it feels like being in the fog again, like I know i dodged a bullet, but I need to be told by others with experience to remind me.   

[jammo1989]

Hey guys, just a thought, would having a baby trigger a borderline, due to intimacy, or does it soothe the whole situation due to having supply? What did you guys experience after having a child with an ex Bpd?

I haven't had a child, but from Stop Walking on Eggshells and I hate you -- Don't Leave Me, having a child soothes the BPD. It's a source of identity and soothing until the child starts to challenge its own identity around age 2-3.

Thank you for this, that may be the reason why all 3 of her kids are 3 years apart in age

[scarletviolet]

my husband at his own request had a child with his ex partner, then when she was pregnant he was cheating already on her, when the baby was around 1 year old he decided to leave her... .thats when i got in the picture , he told me their relationship was over and that he was sleeping on the couch and ready to move out any time... .fast forward one year after our marriage i got pregnant and i am not sure what triggered him, but he forced me into having an abortion, and then because he was terrified this would happen again and went and did a vasectomy behind my back... again the very reason of our split and him cheating on me, is this massive fear of having another child, he kept lying he would reverse the vasectomy and he wanted me to be happy etc, but when the time came to go to the fertility clinic he pulled out and painted me black, backed out completely from the relationship and kept his options open with my replacement... .so not really sure what to say about this one... .

[Skip]

a part of me wants something to happen just to prove to myself once and for all that I really did dodge a bullet, I know deep down I did, but maybe because this triggered me a im not thinking logically regarding the whole dodging a bullet thing.  

I think you know whats happening here.  Your recovery is predicated on her being hopeless and broken - her failure is important to you. If she succeeds it will be devastated.

It's really a continuation of the struggles in the relationship - your feeling of worth are based on her.

I challenge you with this - you have endlessly analyzed HPD/BPD.  You've done a good job.  If you read the 5 stages of detachment, the next step is to turn all those psycho-investigative tools on yourself.

You've mentioned before that there were superficial reasons for getting into the relationship.

Turn the microscope around.  

[jammo1989]

a part of me wants something to happen just to prove to myself once and for all that I really did dodge a bullet, I know deep down I did, but maybe because this triggered me a im not thinking logically regarding the whole dodging a bullet thing.  

I think you know whats happening here.  Your recovery is predicated on her being hopeless and broken - her failure is important to you. If she succeeds it will be devastated.

It's really a continuation of the struggles in the relationship - your feeling of worth are based on her.

I challenge you with this - you have endlessly analyzed HPD/BPD.  You've done a good job.  If you read the 5 stages of detachment, the next step is to turn all those psycho-investigative tools on yourself.

You've mentioned before that there were superficial reasons for getting into the relationship.

Turn the microscope around.  

Skip, you have it dead on, that is exactly how it is for me, and to back this up I can admit and will say that I did see a tweet from the new guy last month saying * I'm stuck between giving up or trying harder* he also had put things in reference to her extreme jealousy and how hard it is to bring someone who can't trust back to a stable level, and with deep honesty, it gave me a massive surge in serotonin, it felt like I did when I was in the ideolise period.  This has nothing to do with feeling good from someone else's suffering, that's not my personality as I am the complete opposite as you all ready know by trying to help others on this forum.  The core reason why I feel this intense feeling of happiness is because it reminds me that She has not and will not change and that I as a person was not singled out to be emotionally hurt because her husband and I put up with a lot, and at times like others on here felt as if we were to blame, so when I see a crack like that with the new guy it reminds me *James you were worth something, and you weren't the only one singled out to be taken for a ride*. How can I overcome this mind set Skip? I do have low self esteem, that I will admit to, I also don't have any feelings towards my ex anymore, but like you said, I'm relying on an outer source to tell me that its not just me, does that make sense?

P.s this with help will be my final stage as I know what the problem is, and you picked up on this to, so thank you, it really means a lot!

[BorisAcusio]

Hey guys, just a thought, would having a baby trigger a borderline, due to intimacy, or does it soothe the whole situation due to having supply? What did you guys experience after having a child with an ex Bpd?

I haven't had a child, but from Stop Walking on Eggshells and I hate you -- Don't Leave Me, having a child soothes the BPD. It's a source of identity and soothing until the child starts to challenge its own identity around age 2-3.

Interesting, I would like to hear others expereince on this. That was exactly how it went with my ex, at least according to her account. She even gave up on affairs for that 3 years when she was a stay at home mother.

The childbirth itself was a stressor as she started to resent her husband from that point, stating that he wasn't supportive enough. 

[FannyB]

My ex left when her youngest was 6, but said she was unhappy for a couple of years.  I think she became restless after the youngest went to school full-time at 4. Her version was that her husband was too controlling and just wanted her to stay at home whilst she was bored.

[LimboFL]

Jammo, trust me, I think that many of understand exactly what you mean by needing to know that it wasn't all reserved for you. Often times, after an "episode" my ex would say. "I don't understand, I never acted like this before, I wasn't like this" She wouldn't ever blame me, but rather her age, stress etc. BUT, she would also tell me all kinds of stories about her past. The odd thing is that in the FOG, I would kind of believe her, even if I had all of the stories stored in the back of my mind.

Despite our anger, we loved our partners and went above and beyond because we loved them. I understand Skip's call to action that we should not base our own happiness on someone else, but I believe that this is almost an impossible task. We want to believe that the replacement didn't swoop in and somehow change things, that suddenly our ex's stopped all of the negative behaviors.

This is very different then actively wishing ill on our ex's but rather that without our having any power to actually inflict harm or bad luck, hearing about it, sensing it etc. helps us to realize that we weren't crazy and that almost all of any poor behavior that we exhibited was in reaction to the behaviors of our ex's. There is nothing worse than thinking we are the problem, unless we are and we are denying it. That is very different.

With all of this said, the better way is NC. Not knowing! which then turns to not caring. I have read your posts and responses but can't remember if you have a child with your ex, which would negate the possibility of NC, but while I can appreciate the benefit that "bumping into" this tweet from the replacement was, forgive me for asking but how is that you came upon a tweet from him? Ultimately this is none of my business and I do not expect a reply but it does then cause wonder about how you might just be too close to the situation. However, again, this kind of validation helps a tremendous amount. I had a form of it, myself, although very different and very painful (she reached out with love) it is impossible not to somehow wonder.

While I know full heartedly that the principals and steps outlined for recovery on BPD Family are rock solidly sound, applying them in real life can be so much more difficult. Ultimately, at the end of the day, you have to do what you need to do to feel better. Obviously provided that you aren't impacting anyone else's life by doing so, unless it's positive.

In short, not that you do, but guilt for wanting to know that you weren't the reason for a lot of the craziness is natural and I can completely appreciate how that made you feel. My only advice, if I may, is that you now leave it at that. Cut all information ties, that you can. You got what you needed. Things are not as rosy as they seem over there. Now pull away and let that be the last thought you walk away with. Again, in as far as you can back away, depending on your situation (child with her).

[jammo1989]

Jammo, trust me, I think that many of understand exactly what you mean by needing to know that it wasn't all reserved for you. Often times, after an "episode" my ex would say. "I don't understand, I never acted like this before, I wasn't like this" She wouldn't ever blame me, but rather her age, stress etc. BUT, she would also tell me all kinds of stories about her past. The odd thing is that in the FOG, I would kind of believe her, even if I had all of the stories stored in the back of my mind.

Despite our anger, we loved our partners and went above and beyond because we loved them. I understand Skip's call to action that we should not base our own happiness on someone else, but I believe that this is almost an impossible task. We want to believe that the replacement didn't swoop in and somehow change things, that suddenly our ex's stopped all of the negative behaviors.

This is very different then actively wishing ill on our ex's but rather that without our having any power to actually inflict harm or bad luck, hearing about it, sensing it etc. helps us to realize that we weren't crazy and that almost all of any poor behavior that we exhibited was in reaction to the behaviors of our ex's. There is nothing worse than thinking we are the problem, unless we are and we are denying it. That is very different.

With all of this said, the better way is NC. Not knowing! which then turns to not caring. I have read your posts and responses but can't remember if you have a child with your ex, which would negate the possibility of NC, but while I can appreciate the benefit that "bumping into" this tweet from the replacement was, forgive me for asking but how is that you came upon a tweet from him? Ultimately this is none of my business and I do not expect a reply but it does then cause wonder about how you might just be too close to the situation. However, again, this kind of validation helps a tremendous amount. I had a form of it, myself, although very different and very painful (she reached out with love) it is impossible not to somehow wonder.

While I know full heartedly that the principals and steps outlined for recovery on BPD Family are rock solidly sound, applying them in real life can be so much more difficult. Ultimately, at the end of the day, you have to do what you need to do to feel better. Obviously provided that you aren't impacting anyone else's life by doing so, unless it's positive.

In short, not that you do, but guilt for wanting to know that you weren't the reason for a lot of the craziness is natural and I can completely appreciate how that made you feel. My only advice, if I may, is that you now leave it at that. Cut all information ties, that you can. You got what you needed. Things are not as rosy as they seem over there. Now pull away and let that be the last thought you walk away with. Again, in as far as you can back away, depending on your situation (child with her).

Hey Limbo, thank you for your long written out response it really does help a lot, basically I will open up and be honest about everything because the people on this board are the only people who really get it due to their own experiences and it really does help.  Basically, Ive been out of the relationship now for 11 months, and my ex begged me for a baby, I said no which was the final blow to her discarding me.  She got pregnant 2 months into the new relationship (which he overlapped) and she gave birth 3 days ago (triggered me a little)  I have been 6 months NC so far as she did try to face time 6 months ago, in which I quickly dispersed the conversation.  I saw the tweet personally on his twitter, and this is where im going to open up (finally) basically, this is how things still look within me, I was blocked an deleted within an instant, just like everyone else here no closure nothing, just found out she was in a new relationship 2 days after messing with my head.  Now when someone shuts you off instantly, my mind still finds it hard to process, its like sitting in a room full of windows (seeing and knowing) then in an instant the blinds go down, and in a way it feels as if at times I just want to take a peek in just to know it wasn't just me.  So with this in mind about 6 months I noticed that the new guy had set his Facebook to private and delete the only mutual friend I had with him, so it was at that point, when I felt a lot worse that I started thinking what If it was me, what did I do, as I was amazing to her and the kids.  I then realized he had a twitter (searched his name) and noticed that he had no pictures of him and my ex on there and it was as if it was used secretly by him.  I then then realized that just like face book you can see favorites, and every one was negative towards her, and when I saw it (6 months ago) I got this incredible high, as if to say "I t wasn't me, good luck I dodged a bullet" and now i see myself looking on twitter again after 6 months of not needing to look (had my answer) "I was good enough" But now this birth thing has triggered me again I feel the need to look again, and thats why im writing on here instead, I have my answer it was her not me, and im lucky to get away with not having that child with her, but I also know going on others social media is not the right thing to do.  Since im finally opening up I can give you an example, the 1st tweet i saw 6 months ago, was something along the lines of "You need to get your head sorted you effing dog, I have a lot to think about tonight, cant do this anymore" (not exact but from memory) and I red it when I was with a few mates drinking on a Friday night, and I remember getting this intense high (after 6 months of mild depression) and was like lets get on it tonight, and that whole night it was such a crazy buzz, and then when I found out she was pregnant (didnt go looking) I felt awful again, and obviously now the birth has made me feel low again, but I refuse to go looking just to feel happy within myself again.

Thank you all this means a lot, especially opening up properly for the first time, im normally the guy that gives advice