Most normal day I've had in 2 years

[confusedinny]

Yesterday, I sat at a sidewalk cafe all afternoon catching up with old friends who kept strolling by. It was my first real social outing since she's been gone (2 weeks). At the beginning I felt so oddly uncomfortable, like I needed to rush home to something. And I was like, what the hell, I have no reason to go home, just relax. I realized it was the leftover feeling of being in that prison with her, like I needed to tend to her or not be gone too long so she wouldn't get paranoid. Everything always revolving around her, her needs, avoiding setting her off... I never got to do this, just go with the flow, with my friends and be me. I got up walked to the corner, faced down that feeling and committed to going where the day would take me. I had the best time as the cafe lead to music, then to dinner and to the lake... .and it was the most normal everyday social hang with people I've known and loved for decades, what used to be the norm for me. Ah, my life coming back to me!

One month ago she had her final rage on me. She was threatening to leave, packed a suitcase and was heading to the door. This was a fairly common ploy for her to test if I'd stop her from leaving. It was a game. It was very late at night on this instance, we were in the middle of nowhere so she wasn't going anywhere, but I tried to stop her because I know the game, but my plea apparently wasn't emotional enough for her. She grabbed a computer and swung it at my head. I ducked and was able to protect myself and fend her off as she was whacking me with it. She ran to the kitchen screaming she was going to kill me. On calm happy days, one way she would express her happiness was to say...   "if you ever leave me, I'll kill you". It was never stated with levity. It was always something I took and still take very seriously. Fortunately, I was able to jump in a bedroom and lock the door as she stood crazed on the other end of the door screaming with a knife pounding on the door.

She had chased me with a knife once previously and it was the most terrified I've ever been in my life. The look on her face had no recognition of me and the anger was out of control. The first instance (2 years ago) ended with 5 cops on the scene and her standing by an open high rise window threatening to jump out. That was the first time I'd seen her rage and the first time I knew I was in over my head. The day before this had been one of the most romantic beautiful days of my life at a resort with hot springs and massages and the mountains. And it was followed by the most heartbreaking and confusing day of my life as I'm standing there in disbelief as she's threatening to jump out a window.

Anyways, on this night one month ago, I don't have phone reception at my summer place where we were (not good when being chased by someone with a knife), so I had to use an app to text a friend to call the police. Eventually she calmed down. I packed my bags and left with the police there, for the third and final time in our relationship. She spent a week in my place threatening suicide before I decided to go back to help get her focused on living again, which fortunately, she has done.

I'm just so thankful to not have that insanity around me anymore. Two years felt like an eternity. I'm appreciative of every moment now I spend with healthy people who know how to love and respect me. I will no longer take for granted that someone will know how to reciprocate loving me. I've had 4 major relationships in my life. I dove into all four with reckless abandon, and on this last one, I got burned on it. Scorched on it. And I feel fortunate to get out alive honestly. There is now no rush. None whatsoever.

Stay strong and stay safe.

[once removed]

hey confusedinny 

goodness gracious! thats a heck of a two years, my friend  .

it might be needless to say, but it sounds like you were probably basically living on adrenaline for most of these two years. i know i was. in the process, your body becomes conditioned to it. its not a natural or healthy condition, and it can really take time to readjust.

its good that youre taking time to relax and get back to your friends and a calmer, happier, life. your awesome day sounds right up my alley 

[confusedinny]

Thank you onceremoved,

It's strange to read these things im writing and acknowledge that was my life and I stayed through it as it seems crazy. I guess I thought I could somehow absorb all of the pain she was carrying. Take every punch she could dish out, and it might make it all better for her and she might somehow heal. I thought because I'd been blessed with a loving family and she drew a short straw out of the gate, that I could be that strong, take pain inflicted on myself on her behalf. Unfortunately, it really doesn't work that way.

Have a great weekend everyone and many thanks again to this board for being there.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for sharing this CinNY   

I can unfortunately  relate to this mayhem and the jumping in too fast to relationships.

Your post has been a good reminder.