Experience with therapy helping spouse or sincerity of pwBPD in therapy?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, my spouse is currently in therapy for drug and alcohol addiction, weekly therapy with someone doing schema work.  I have some access to the counselor and while he hasn't said BPD, all my conversations with him make me think he's thinking BPD. This is spouse's 3rd or 4th counselor/psychiatrist. Looking back I think all were thinking BPD.  He is diagnosed ADHD, but since that was in the middle of alcoholism, I don't take that diagnosis that seriously.  So, he's one year sober and all the behavior is still there, though the rages are more in check.  Here I was hoping after 1 year of sobriety and counseling, he'd be getting better.  But, I suspect he's only going to counseling because he knows I want him to as a condition of me not leaving. Every prior counselor has said they can't get anything out of him.  This most recent one said to expect baby steps of progress which is more hopeful than "I can't get anything out of him."  So, what is your experience with spouse in therapy?  Do most or all do it just as a game to avoid being abandoned?  And I'm talking about individual counseling.  We tried marriage counseling and I'll never do that again--he used it to manipulate and put on a show.  Even the current counselor of his said he needs 2-3 years of weekly therapy to be ready for marriage counseling.  So do these spouses just sit in counseling and bs?  What would be positive signs?  What have people experienced?  Since I want him to go, I know there is a good chance he really doens't want it and is going thru the motions.  He does seem earnest in staying sober (I think).  But, he does not seem very earnest in "seeing" himself.  Several have said he lacks insight.   Part of my motivation is trying to get him better for his kids (elem age).  I think I've probably given up on the relationship.

[seethelight123]

Hello, my spouse is currently in therapy for drug and alcohol addiction, weekly therapy with someone doing schema work.  I have some access to the counselor and while he hasn't said BPD, all my conversations with him make me think he's thinking BPD. This is spouse's 3rd or 4th counselor/psychiatrist. Looking back I think all were thinking BPD.  He is diagnosed ADHD, but since that was in the middle of alcoholism, I don't take that diagnosis that seriously.  So, he's one year sober and all the behavior is still there, though the rages are more in check.  Here I was hoping after 1 year of sobriety and counseling, he'd be getting better.  But, I suspect he's only going to counseling because he knows I want him to as a condition of me not leaving. Every prior counselor has said they can't get anything out of him.  This most recent one said to expect baby steps of progress which is more hopeful than "I can't get anything out of him."  So, what is your experience with spouse in therapy?  Do most or all do it just as a game to avoid being abandoned?  And I'm talking about individual counseling.  We tried marriage counseling and I'll never do that again--he used it to manipulate and put on a show.  Even the current counselor of his said he needs 2-3 years of weekly therapy to be ready for marriage counseling.  So do these spouses just sit in counseling and bs?  What would be positive signs?  What have people experienced?  Since I want him to go, I know there is a good chance he really doens't want it and is going thru the motions.  He does seem earnest in staying sober (I think).  But, he does not seem very earnest in "seeing" himself.  Several have said he lacks insight.   Part of my motivation is trying to get him better for his kids (elem age).  I think I've probably given up on the relationship.

[satahal]

Hi See the Light, Sorry for your struggle but you've found a good place. I'm very new here so I can't profess to have any answers for you but I can relate to what you're going through.

My partner with BPD has ADD and a drinking problem as well. He's gone back to drinking but it's much, much less and like your situation, the rages have gone down a lot in intensity and sometimes are even avoided.

He's been in and out, mostly out of therapy for the past 8 years - since I've known him. I met with one of his therapists a few years ago and I was astounded by what this guy didn't know! What the hell they were talking about every week I have no idea but it wasn't any of his actual issues.

His current therapist seems to be more effective and in tune with his issues, but my pwBPD doesn't go consistently. I think he has gone at times just to keep me around. And I know for sure he spends a lot of time bs-ing the therapist. Other times though he's getting something out of it. For sure there have been times when it's what gets him off the ledge if he's in a dysregulated space.

I see progress and I see major backsliding. I think it's why they tell you to be realistic. This is a serious mental illness. I've read with a few years of DBT some people no longer qualify for the diagnosis. It's heartening that your guy is going to therapy every week and he's still sober after a year - that shows some commitment.

Keep coming back here and check out the great video by Dr. Fruzzetti (think that's his name) on Youtube about validation if you haven't seen it yet - lots of practical advice.

[seethelight123]

Hi Samanthal, thanks for your reply and recommendation to watch the video. I am new here, too, and so glad to have found a place of support.    I think you give good advice to be realistic that this is a serious mental illness. 

[Forestaken]

My Xw was dOCD+uBPD,  her sister has NPD; They told everyone what wonderful parents they had. Her mom died in 1980@ 54; Dad died in 1983 83. The reality is that my Xw's mom was her father's mistress. 

5 T's in 8 years; in digging into the root cause of her OCD; she never revealed her parent's r/s; presented the "Perfect family".  When each T started getting close to the root cause - she quit therapy.

"Can't get anything out of him" - there is something inside that is painful, My 2 cents.

[Lucky Jim]

When each T started getting close to the root cause - she quit therapy.

I had the same experience w/my BPDxW.  She would find a T, tell me how great he/she was, then drop out after a few visits.  She lacked the ability to confront her demons, so the issues continued to simmer but were never resolved, leading to more rage and acting out, in a repeating loop.  She had trauma (sexually assaulted as a teenager) that was too scary for her to face.  She refused to get support and denied that the assault affected her.  How could it not have?  It's interesting to me how many pwBPD also have a history of childhood trauma.

LuckyJim

[seethelight123]

Thank you guys for sharing.  I wanted to believe that there is some hurt deep down that if he faced, would make all the difference in a transformation. But, lately have been losing hope that somehow on some level now thinking this is a choice of character, morals, weakness, and selfishness, pathological selfishness. That is what I am starting to believe.  I guess I am just not so sure that he's neurotic, and that I miss the mark when I think he ticks like I tick.  It is possible, right, that underneath, it's just black selfishness, and not pain or hurt or neurotic roots. That underneath, it's a different kind of wire loose that doesn't have the same conscience wired up.  He's said as much himself.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Seethelight,

When I met my BPDxbf, he had gone through a drug and alcohol project and got clean, done 6 months BDT (group-based) and 6 months in Schema Therapy (again group-based). He continued Schema Therapy for another year and finished that in March this year because the pilot project came to an end. All of this was his choosing and under no pressure from anyone else.

However, it was interesting to hear about the kinds of email communications he had with his therapist. He would proudly relate everything he had told him to me. It was all: I'm doing really well with this, I'm doing really well with that. It seemed to be one big exercise in image management.

We went through a number of occasions when he re-lived childhood experiences with me, yet he never told his therapist. He 'saw' spiders and shadowy people that weren't there and had flashbacks and experienced terrible pain, but he didn't seem to tell his therapist that either. One day, towards the end of his therapy, with encouragement from me, he went to his group with the intention of telling them about the things that he had been experiencing and his flashbacks of his dad beating him up as a two year old. He came back saying the session had been easier than he expected it to be. Turns out he didn't tell them.

I asked on a number of occasions to meet his therapist because I was concerned about what would happen when his therapy came to an end and he had no ongoing, outside support except for me. I never got to meet him or exchange any kind of communication with him. My BPDxbf discouraged me from researching BPD and said all I needed to know about was Schema Therapy. Quite frankly, I'm not surprised he didn't want me to understand his disorder.

My experience of his therapy, is that it has given him the ability to reflect upon what has gone wrong after a fight or b/u or recycle but it has had little impact upon his day to day behaviour. He still can't control that and spends virtually all of his time detached from what is going on around him. Indeed, I think he's more dysfunctional now than he was at the beginning of our relationship. This could be the general course of the disorder or it could be due to the ending of therapy. Our recycles started in earnest then. He attributes our problems to my difficult divorce (thought this was very amicable and we're still friendly), outside influences (like his difficult ex-wife) and him seeing people from the past instead of me when we interact (success).

If you ask me, he needs LOTS more therapy if he is ever to be ready for a healthy relationship. I know some people really turn BPD around and get well, but, it is a VERY long road to recovery. My BPDxbf  was psychotic at 11 years of age, had his first psychiatric stay at 18 years, later on, he tried to commit suicide by jumping off a multi-story car park and spent 6 months in another psychiatric institution. He has a criminal record for threatening his wife with a knife. He drinks occasionally, never takes drugs now and has stopped self-harming. He still has suicidal ideation but says he would never try to commit suicide again. Everyday is difficult for him, though his life has some highlights and he has hope. He has made massive moves forward, but he can't do intimacy yet. He is 48 years old now ... .All is not hopeless, but it takes time.

Love Lifewriter