The breaking up process with a BPD/bipolar

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am in the process of making a clean break from my BPD partner. This has been an extremely difficult task and barely a month has gone by. I decided today to have no contact with her whatsoever as it's the only way I can survive and untangle from the toxic relationship and save myself. I am not in a good place emotionally at the moment to give details but am very happy to have found this group which I know already will be a big help for me as I am trying to heal from 5 years of a downward spiral.

[Eye438]

I am in the process of making a clean break from my BPD partner. This has been an extremely difficult task and barely a month has gone by. I decided today to have no contact with her whatsoever as it's the only way I can survive and untangle from the toxic relationship and save myself. I am not in a good place emotionally at the moment to give details but am very happy to have found this group which I know already will be a big help for me as I am trying to heal from 5 years of a downward spiral.

[intuitiveleigh]

I would love to talk to you as I just broke up cold turkey I can say changed phone number and all but this group helped me finally make the choice

I cried a bit earlier just because It was good at moments but for the most part emotionally drained me   

[Eye438]

Am having a hard time navigating this site but it is so helpful I blocked my partner from any contact today she moved out of my house a week ago I dropped her off at the homeless shelter and she has been texting me a little bit. It's very hard but I am set to move on its the healthy thing to do. Having no contact is better for me at this point. Cold turkey with BPD is the only choice for all of us that are drained. Thank you for responding and yes it's nice to talk to someone here that is experiencing the same thing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Eye438, It sounds like you are on a good path.  It's hard, I know, to make the break, but it's the only way to get yourself out of the toxic soup.  When there's nothing left in the tank, you have no choice but to move on.  In my case, I was so drained from my marriage to a pwBPD that I lacked the strength to leave.  Fortunately a family member and two kind friends intervened, which gave me the courage to make a change.  This may sound melodramatic, but they saved my life. 

LuckyJim

[Loosestrife]

Hi

There are plenty of people in the same boat on the leaving board, I would check that out too if you haven't already. Well done for getting this far.

[Eye438]

Thanks for reponse and yes it is very frightening to wake up one day in the madness and reach out for help from family

Hey Eye438, It sounds like you are on a good path.  It's hard, I know, to make the break, but it's the only way to get yourself out of the toxic soup.  When there's nothing left in the tank, you have no choice but to move on.  In my case, I was so drained from my marriage to a pwBPD that I lacked the strength to leave.  Fortunately a family member and two kind friends intervened, which gave me the courage to make a change.  This may sound melodramatic, but they saved my life.   

Yes I get it just where I am at very frightening it took 5 years for me to get some guts for myself.

[Eye438]

Hi

There are plenty of people in the same boat on the leaving board, I would check that out too if you haven't already. Well done for getting this far.

Thank you it took five years of breakups but there comes a time when you have to believe yourself first

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Eye438,

Thank you it took five years of breakups but there comes a time when you have to believe yourself first

I came to the same conclusion, though it took me longer to get the message.  When in doubt, I suggest listening to your gut feelings.  My BPDxW used to claim the sky was green, but I always knew that it was blue!

LuckyJim

[Wall bike]

Hey Eye438, It sounds like you are on a good path.  It's hard, I know, to make the break, but it's the only way to get yourself out of the toxic soup.  When there's nothing left in the tank, you have no choice but to move on.  In my case, I was so drained from my marriage to a pwBPD that I lacked the strength to leave.  Fortunately a family member and two kind friends intervened, which gave me the courage to make a change.  This may sound melodramatic, but they saved my life. 

LuckyJim

Jim, how did they encourage you-specifically?  My friend is very defensive and does not even see how this has physically and mentally changed him.  We want him to get to therapy but one crisis or excuse after another holds him back.  Any advice is appreciated so much.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey saturated, Well, basically they conducted an intervention, which was quite humbling.  Like your friend, I had changed, and not for the better.  I was extremely isolated and confused by years of abuse by my BPDxW.  The thing that got my attention was that they unanimously stated that they would no longer be there for me in the future, unless I made a change.  I realized that I couldn't afford to lose the support of friends and family, because that left me alone with the persecutor (my BPDxW), who I couldn't stomach anymore.  So that day I committed to making a change.  It's been a rough ride through separation and divorce, yet it was the right decision for me.

Your friend is "lucky" that you are concerned about him.

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Eye 

It sounds like you decided on our own that you were in a toxic relationship that was no longer an option to stay in. Sometimes we as codependents have to get to the lowest of low points, sacrifice blood, sweat, tears to try and make it work before something inside of us clicks and says no more. My life, my sanity, my soul depends on me leaving and you reach down within yourself to gather what strength you have and you take that first step to a more satisfying life. I commend you, I admire you, I'm proud of you! It takes an incredible person to last as long as you did only to realize it's never going to work for you and you need to remove yourself from the situation.

The good news as everyone has eluded to is that it gets better ... .it really does get better from here. It won't be easy, you'll take a step backwards everyone in awhile, you'll have good days and bad days ... .but the good day will out number the bad days, and as time passes, there will be more and more good days. You might slip every now and then, doubt yourself, your choices but pick yourself back up, come back here as often as you need to for support, guidance, to vent to seek out friends who have been and maybe still are seeking a relationship with their BPD. You'll find no judgement here ... .only caring people who want to help you through a rough, tough situation. 

It sounds as if you want to make a clean & full break of your BPD. you're still getting text from her. Might I suggest that you go full No Contact (NC) and call your cell phone provider, stop into one of their shops or even go online and change your number. Tell family & friends not to give it out, tell them of the situation so that there is NO mistake while you're changing your number.

I know you're in a bad place ... .I know you might feel that you're alone in the world dealing with this but this sight is for people like us to help each other, put out a hand to pull us up.  It'll get easier before you know it ... .30 days makes a habit. Eating proper for 30 days will help you lose weight, exercising for 30 days becomes a habit ... .going NC for 30 days will make it easier to move on with your life.  Get outside and do things ... .go for a walk, a bike ride, a movie, with or without other friends. Find a good book at the library. If I might, books to help with BPD relationships and yourself are, "I hate you, I love you, Don't leave me". "Stop walking on Eggshells" and "The Human Magnet Syndrome".  Might I also suggest that you seek out some counseling as most of us have to help you get through this tough time and maybe help you come to understand not only why a PBD is the way they are, but maybe help you understand yourself a little bit better as well.

I've done a lot of introspection, a lot of self evaluation, trying to understand why I was attracted to the BPD and found out so much. Until this last exBPDgf I didn't know what BPD was. I now know and realized that she wasn't the first. My first exBPDgf was 22 years ago and the crazy train started and ended when I decided like you that I had enough of the push pull, black white, I hate you, I love you day to day craziness. I didn't want to my one and only short life with the day to day battles that I know she would bring to it. I broke all contact and I thought for 18 years I was free. Until recently when my BPD mother gave her my phone number and the craziness started all over again.  I've had no contact with exBPD gf for 11 days now and have no idea when I'll hear from her again. a long story but I'm in between leaving & staying ... .like intuit says, it's been an emotional draining roller coaster and I'm trying to decide to ride this one a little longer or get the hell off to keep my sanity, my friends. I come here to read others stories, relate some of my own, offer guidance and most importantly listen to what others have to say.

Please come back as often as you need to ... .your among friends who really understand what you're going through and want to help you 

JQ

[Eye438]

Well thank you jQ I am not very good at dealing with mental illness particularly when it comes from my partner. I don't really want to be a sacrificial lamb there is so much more life to be lived and explored.

I have had NC for almost 2 weeks now I blocked her on my phone it's really the only thing that works for self preservation

I am a very well known artist in the outsider arena and am in many prominent collections, I have some high aspirations for myself and good purpose in life even tho I got sidetracked.

Thank you for great support I like this place to be able to come any time night or day.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JQ, Like what you're saying.  Agree that part of the healing process is figuring out why one was attracted to a pwBPD in the first place, and usually that goes back to one's FOO or some other past trauma.  Making that connection is the start of moving beyond it, in my experience.

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Eye,

You're welcome ... .we all need a hand up every once in a while & I'm certainly no different. I don't think anyone unless you're a trained medical professional is well equipped to deal with anyone that has a mental or behavioral issues / illness especially someone with BPD. For us who are probably a codependent & love someone who is a BPD learned or are learning by trial under fire, On The Job training. We didn't want to go to college to learn about behavioral issues, we fell in love with someone who does and in order to try to have a better understanding of the one we love we dive into their world to learn all we can. Only to find out that we can't do anything. We didn't Cause it, We can't Control it, WE can't Cure it. But still we want to help, we want to be there even at the point where our own mental and physical health starts to take its' toll on our own bodies. WE rage a battle within ourselves to stay or go ... .because at our core we love this person, we want to take away their hurt, their pain, and help them ... .it's almost a futile battle.

eye, you'e taken a step in the right direction by blocking her number ... .30 days out of sight out of mind makes a habit. Like you I come here to vent, read others stories, assist others when I can how I can and I'm on here more than I thought I would be. Your right, it does help in so many ways to talk to others and bounce ideas or issues off of others who have lived what we've been through.  A place like this allows for self reflection, introspection to help ourselves. I think that unless you have been what we've been through, loved someone with BPD, and are a caregiver, peacemaker at your core it's really hard to grasp what we feel inside ... .I mean REALLY feel inside. You might be able to have an idea but not really feel what we do.

Eye you have a great outlet with your art to help heal yourself, to occupy your mind, to help you move forward. You have a plan to move forward with those high aspirations and that can help in amazing ways. Come back as often as needed and read, learn, chat ... .this is an awesome place and I'm fortunate like you and everyone else to have found this place.

Lucky,  

I learned why I've been attracted to someone who is BPD via counseling / therapy that started out discussing PTSD / injury issues.  It was amazing how quickly my eyes were opened when she told me I was a codependent, a caregiver, that my mother & sister were BPD, absent raging alcoholic father. My behavior was a learned behavior to protect younger brothers & sisters from the crazy train my mother was riding. I learned that she became the way she was more then likely because of her father who was a POW for 2 years during WWII and the horrors he experienced. I learned that I became a peace maker between my parents. I became a perfectionist to earn some sort of praise from either parent that never came. I learned to take care of people is the bottom line before I took care of myself. And someone with BPD is "damaged" and all I want to do is help them be in a better place, etc. The book "The Human Magnet Syndrome" explains the natural attraction of a codependent & BPD. Like a magnet with opposites attract, so do we. I've learned the 3 C's and that I can't Cure it. I've learned the terms everyone talks about & that's help me understand situations past & present with her. I've learned to say NO to my BPD mother & sister and now a BPD s/o and I feel much much better about myself, and how to manage future situations. I know if I go forward with a relationship with my exBPDgf it's going to be the toughest challenge of my life. I  know how with the help of the group & sites like this I can move forward without her into a more satisfying relationship & life partner.  I've come to learn that you CAN'T save every puppy in the pound ... .as tough as that is ... .it's life.

Thanks for the kind words guys and I want to wish you both an awesome week!

JQ

[Eye438]

I would love to talk to you as I just broke up cold turkey I can say changed phone number and all but this group helped me finally make the choice

I cried a bit earlier just because It was good at moments but for the most part emotionally drained me   

Yes you are spot on, how are you doing?

[Wall bike]

[ The thing that got my attention was that they unanimously stated that they would no longer be there for me in the future, unless I made a change.  I realized that I couldn't afford to lose the support of friends and family, because that left me alone with the persecutor (my BPDxW), who I couldn't stomach anymore.  Your friend is "lucky" that you are concerned about him.[/quote]
LuckyJim, my friend is deep in denial and excuses and has spent decades virtually alienated from anyone else.  I know he trusts me and would be devastated it I walked away, which I am willing to do however I am concerned the beating his self esteem has taken for a long period and his sense of duty and spirituality are standing in the way. He is paralyzed by the indecision-he wants a guarantee that she will be ok and sadly I can't answer that.   I only have one opportunity to get this right.  Everyone else has given up on him and are drained by the situation.  I have armed myself with all the facts but he believes there can always be a miracle.  I'm jut concerned that by the time that miracle happens he may just be a lump of flesh melting into the sidewalk.  

[JQ]

Saturated,

If your friend is in deep denial & excuses no matter what you say or do, no matter how many facts you show them unless he reaches deep down within themselves & realize they need to learn why they are alienated everyone family & friends by going to therapy, seeking out counseling or help in some way they might ever go. They have to want to go. You are an amazing person sacrificing so much of yourself to help this one person. Just remember at the core of it all, you are responsible for yourself and yourself only. You are NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness.  I caution you when you confront them ... .as you have learned by now BPD do NOT like confrontation and rage against it. Step lightly ... .you're going to have to convince them it's their idea not yours ... .

When I decided with exBPDgf #1 that I had enough of the crazy train roller coaster and say good bye, I finally got to the point that I had to take care of myself. I was doing some really REALLY stupid things and I could of completely ruined my life & finally I actually looked in the mirror one morning & I asked myself a question out loud ... ."What are you doing JQ" "Is all of this worth the rest of your life?" and the answer was a resounding NO!.  It was amazing moment ... .it was my aha moment, my epiphany, the light bulb came on, the heavens opened up & the angles sang "HALLELUJAH!" ... .    you get the point ... .no matter what happens, no matter what direction you turn in this journey you're on ... .you're always going to have to keep your humor.  

JQ

[TheRealJongoBong]

[ The thing that got my attention was that they unanimously stated that they would no longer be there for me in the future, unless I made a change.  I realized that I couldn't afford to lose the support of friends and family, because that left me alone with the persecutor (my BPDxW), who I couldn't stomach anymore.  Your friend is "lucky" that you are concerned about him.

LuckyJim, my friend is deep in denial and excuses and has spent decades virtually alienated from anyone else.  I know he trusts me and would be devastated it I walked away, which I am willing to do however I am concerned the beating his self esteem has taken for a long period and his sense of duty and spirituality are standing in the way. He is paralyzed by the indecision-he wants a guarantee that she will be ok and sadly I can't answer that.   I only have one opportunity to get this right.  Everyone else has given up on him and are drained by the situation.  I have armed myself with all the facts but he believes there can always be a miracle.  I'm jut concerned that by the time that miracle happens he may just be a lump of flesh melting into the sidewalk.   [/quote]
Saturated, it might help when you talk to him to have him make a list of the the things he likes and dislikes about his partner. It sounds like he's in denial about what his relationship is really like and it might help open his eyes when he see's all the negatives and so few of the positives.

I've read more than once here (and I include myself) of how horrible the BPD partner acts, "but they are my life and I can never leave them". This trauma bonding is the thing we have to weaken before we can ever begin to heal. Good luck!