Ex is still stalking me and could use advice with cellphones

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey Gang,

I am so very hopeful there is someone here who can help me with my cell phone situation.  My UxBPDbf continues to stalk and  harrass me.  It has been going on 7+ months.  

I have not blocked my ex entirely as I prefer to know what his threats are so I can respond appropriately, i.e. get out of range when he says he is coming over or is otherwise ramped up.  While a complete blocks is undesired, I need help with a couple of issues:

1)  He says that he "knows" when I read his text messages.  He and I both are Android users.  I want to know if this is possible.  I know iMessages will confirm delivered/read but is there an app or program that does so for Android?  Can he really see this info?    

2)  If so, how I can prevent him from knowing when I read his text messages?

3)  Is there a way to forward his and other unknown numbers to a message that says my VM is full?  Or something clever like this?  

I am trying to minimize his ability to connect with me while also not poking a stick in the eye of the snake.  I would be very grateful if there is someone who knows these apps/programs/workarounds who could help.  

I am so tired of this.  The stalking has lasted almost as long as the r/s.  It is getting ridiculous.

Thank you!

RML

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey Gang,

I am so very hopeful there is someone here who can help me with my cell phone situation.  My UxBPDbf continues to stalk and  harrass me.  It has been going on 7+ months.  

I have not blocked my ex entirely as I prefer to know what his threats are so I can respond appropriately, i.e. get out of range when he says he is coming over or is otherwise ramped up.  While a complete blocks is undesired, I need help with a couple of issues:

1)  He says that he "knows" when I read his text messages.  He and I both are Android users.  I want to know if this is possible.  I know iMessages will confirm delivered/read but is there an app or program that does so for Android?  Can he really see this info?    

2)  If so, how I can prevent him from knowing when I read his text messages?

3)  Is there a way to forward his and other unknown numbers to a message that says my VM is full?  Or something clever like this?  

I am trying to minimize his ability to connect with me while also not poking a stick in the eye of the snake.  I would be very grateful if there is someone who knows these apps/programs/workarounds who could help.  

I am so tired of this.  The stalking has lasted almost as long as the r/s.  It is getting ridiculous.

Thank you!

RML

[livednlearned]

I went through a very paranoid stage with my ex (who is very computer literate) -- it's no fun. I'm sorry you're living with this level of fear and suspicion. Technology just makes it worse. A couple of questions:

When he claims you are reading his texts, is he accurate? Meaning, when he says he knows you read his texts, is he right?

Are you posting photos to FB or Instagram that he has access to?

Has there been any time when he had access to your phone?

Does your phone run down its battery quickly?

How computer savvy is your ex?

To block someone from leaving a VM -- maybe the YouMail app?

[rotiroti]

1) If you are using google hangouts for text messaging, yes people can tell if you read the message. Much like iMessage. I would just block him

2) I would block him, I am sure hangouts has an option to disable this, but I have not messed with it

3) If you're using google voice on your android you have several options:

          a) you can enable call screening, whoever calls you has to say their name first before you choose answer or send to voice mail. You can have it so it doesn't turn on for your existing contacts and only for unknown callers or for specific callers

          b) you can send select numbers straight to voicemail without your phone even ringing

          c) you can also block numbers, i think you can do this natively on android

[ReclaimingMyLife]

livednlearned and rotiroti, thank you for your quick replies.

Regarding your responses:

A couple of questions:

When he claims you are reading his texts, is he accurate? Meaning, when he says he knows you read his texts, is he right?

Are you posting photos to FB or Instagram that he has access to?

Has there been any time when he had access to your phone?

Does your phone run down its battery quickly?

How computer savvy is your ex?

To block someone from leaving a VM -- maybe the YouMail app?

1)  I do not know if he is accurate.  I am hoping someone else could tell me if it is possible to know I am reading his texts. 

2)  FB settings are the most limited.  We were never FB friends so I do not think he has access.  I do not have an Instagram account

3)  He was with my phone for maybe 5 minutes back in december but was walking, driving, so I don't think he had time to do anything with it.  GOOD QUESTION THOUGH. 

4)  Battery does run very quickly.  Though this has always been the case for me and ALL of my cell phones... .long before I met him.

5)  He is very computer savvy.  Which makes me tend to believe him when he says he knows that I read his text messages.

1) If you are using google hangouts for text messaging, yes people can tell if you read the message. Much like iMessage. I would just block him

2) I would block him, I am sure hangouts has an option to disable this, but I have not messed with it

3) If you're using google voice on your android you have several options:

          a) you can enable call screening, whoever calls you has to say their name first before you choose answer or send to voice mail. You can have it so it doesn't turn on for your existing contacts and only for unknown callers or for specific callers

          b) you can send select numbers straight to voicemail without your phone even ringing

          c) you can also block numbers, i think you can do this natively on android

1)  I am not using hangouts for texting.  Could he use hangouts with my regular Android phone?  Or would we have to both be using hangouts for him to text me that via hangouts? 

2)  I may block him entirely but am not yet committed to that.  I am trying to balance safety with sanity.

3)  a) I have my regular cell phone number and my business number.  My business number uses google voice so on that callers must identify themselves.  On my regular cell phone I do not answer any known numbers for him, any private numbers or any numbers I don't know.  As such he always goes to VM.

     b) the blacklist app seemed to send numbers straight to VM previously but not seems my phone number rings.  Maybe this is a setting adjustment. 

     c)  What does blocking numbers "natively" mean?  You can tell I am not tech savvy!

Thanks, y'all!

[livednlearned]

I went down this road with my son's cell phone (an Android). I even ended up having a forensic IT investigator search for installed software 

What I learned from the investigator is that it takes 5 min to install surveillance software. Maybe less. The software sends a packet once a day (usually midnight, though it can be programmed to send at other times). The software sucks a lot of battery -- it can also record up to 15 feet of voice conversation even when it is turned off. Often the phones that have this software feel hotter than usual and if they do run down the battery, it's usually something you notice. For example, one day it holds a charge for, say, 6 hours. Then you realize it's running down the battery at 3 hours. The surveillance programs are pigs that have to run a lot of processes and they pay for it in battery charge.

To install it, your ex would need to be alone with the phone. I'm not sure if it's possible to install the software by sending it via an email link or whatnot.

Why not experiment the most low-tech way first to test your theory. Don't read his text messages, see what he says. Then read his text messages, see what he says. Is that a possibility?

My ex used to send me messages that said, "Same route every night, eh." And "You looked to the right to avoid me." It was unnerving because he was doing drive-bys, so I know he was doing some stalking, but didn't know to what extent. I got a lot of, "Be sure to let your lawyer know what you're doing on your computer." And "Son is upset about who you are having over to the house."

Looking back, I think he was throwing mud to see what might stick.

[ugghh]

My ex used to send me messages that said, "Same route every night, eh." And "You looked to the right to avoid me." It was unnerving because he was doing drive-bys, so I know he was doing some stalking, but didn't know to what extent. I got a lot of, "Be sure to let your lawyer know what you're doing on your computer." And "Son is upset about who you are having over to the house."

My ex pulled this same kind of garbage. And it was exactly what LnL said.  Throwing mud and seeing what sticks.  The pwBPD is so stuck in their paranoia that I think they really believe.  But after getting out of the FOG I now also realize that this is one of her classic manipulations trying to bait me into a response.  Response = attention. 

Regarding your question about read receipts. 

Numerous Messenger apps provide the possibility of see of a person has read your message.

For text messages it is not possible to get a read status as this is not part of the SMS protocol.

I have confirmed with several people.  Barring the spyware issue or a using a third party app stand text messaging cannot tell the send you have read the message, only that it was delivered. 

Honestly, while I understand your concerns about keeping one eye on the ex, the sooner you are able to show him that you don't care about anything he says, which you do by not responding, the sooner he will hopefully move on.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

My ex pulled this same kind of garbage. And it was exactly what LnL said.  Throwing mud and seeing what sticks.  The pwBPD is so stuck in their paranoia that I think they really believe.  But after getting out of the FOG I now also realize that this is one of her classic manipulations trying to bait me into a response.  Response = attention. 

Regarding your question about read receipts. 

Numerous Messenger apps provide the possibility of see of a person has read your message.

For text messages it is not possible to get a read status as this is not part of the SMS protocol.

I have confirmed with several people.  Barring the spyware issue or a using a third party app stand text messaging cannot tell the send you have read the message, only that it was delivered. 

Honestly, while I understand your concerns about keeping one eye on the ex, the sooner you are able to show him that you don't care about anything he says, which you do by not responding, the sooner he will hopefully move on.

Thank you all for your replies.  Ugghh,  for the very reason you mentioned of response = attention,  I have NOT responded to a single contact since mid-January.  He has contacted me approx 550+ times and I have not responded.   

I have READ (but not replied to)  his text messages so I can clear out when he threatens to come over or seems particularly ramped up.   

However,  IF he has read receipts for txt msgs then I am inadvertently giving him a "response' every time I simply" read" a message.  Hence,  I am trying to confirm if this is possible.

If I am understanding you correctly,  ugghh:

1) the standard sms text message service that comes with the Android phone cannot give read - receipts. 

2) there are third party apps or Spyware that could provide read-receipts for txt messages

Do you or anyone know which third party apps provide read-receipts for txt messaging?

If these apps exist,  I believe he of all people would have found it.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

So to get to the heart of the info I really need:

1) which third party apps can give read-receipts for txt msgs?

2) most importantly,  can I PREVENT these third party apps from giving read-receipts?   IF SO,  HOW?

Thank you,  bpdfamily!