Unblocked from texting, but calling is still blocked. Any theories?

[JRT]

It has been almost 10 months since my uBPDfiance suddenly moved out of our house only 3 weeks after moving in. She left while I was out of town for work and notified me via text. She cut me off from contact in every imaginable way and I have still not heard a word from her at all.

I know that I am probably going to draw some criticism for doing so from other members, but I felt that it was time to reach out and decided to break NC (my last attempt was back on Xmas eve where her response was via her local police department!). I have done a LOT of healing , am dating a bit and generally feel emotionally solid. I cared/care profoundly for this person and we had a great relationship free from typical BPD acrimony and drama... .I really miss her and, truth be told, I am still in love with her but realize that the disorder killed the r/s with no likely salvation. I still think talking is possible... .perhaps even healthy. 

I texted her a simple message last Friday... .I told her that I missed her (and her son) and wished that our r/s would have had a different outcome... .I welcomed her to contact me. I confirmed that the text made it through but I did not receive a response from her. I tried to call her yesterday but learned that both my land line and cell remain blocked so I texted her. That text also was delivered but I have not yet had a reply.

More BPD mysteries: why would she go through the trouble of unblocking me from text (it requires a third party app) but maintain the voice block?  Any theories?

[rotiroti]

I think it could be many outcomes:

1. Sending texts to a blocked number will show up as 'sent'. I just tested it with my phone and sending a text to my google voice account. It says sent but the text doesn't come through

2. On my phone I'm able to block calls, send calls straight to VM, allow texts only, block everything, or any combination of said things without having to install any third party app (android/GV)

3. She could be seeing the texts, but can't respond because she' not ready, confused, or whatever is happened since the last 10 months

[JRT]

I think it could be many outcomes:

1. Sending texts to a blocked number will show up as 'sent'. I just tested it with my phone and sending a text to my google voice account. It says sent but the text doesn't come through

2. On my phone I'm able to block calls, send calls straight to VM, allow texts only, block everything, or any combination of said things without having to install any third party app (android/GV)

3. She could be seeing the texts, but can't respond because she' not ready, confused, or whatever is happened since the last 10 months

Thanks for your input 'Never'

1- texts that I attempted in the past were accompanied by a fail message... .these were not not and the status report is exactly like messages from prior to the breakup. My carrier confirms that they were not blocked but references the possibility that a third party app was used to accomplish the text ok, voice block thing. I did a lot of digging on this.

2- she has the same phone I have or might have the replacement (I would guess), dunno a Galaxy Note 4. I am not able to even block, only reject with the phone alone. Blocking would have to come directly from my carrier.

3- I'm thinking this is the case. Did I mention that I was receiving silent calls for months and stopped only when I went on vacation? I also had a friend call the number to make sure that it was still active and her line and that friend had my ex call back twice after 3 days and THEN my friend received silent calls!

Just wondering what the thinking is here and how the disorder is at work. I am fairly certain that she does not have a replacement either. In fact, I have a gut instinct that she WANTS me to reach out... .even to chase. Has anyone had experience with something like this?

[fromheeltoheal]

I know that I am probably going to draw some criticism for doing so from other members, but I felt that it was time to reach out and decided to break NC

It's not criticism it's sharing of experience.  Every single post I've ever read here about someone who went back to communicating regretted it, although if folks do it and disappear because they now have the relationship of their dreams, we'd never know, and I sure hope that's true.

No point in second guessing the actions of a borderline, better to look strongly at your real motives and be honest with yourself now, because as you might agree we tend to get lost a little when we're in it.  Take care of you!

[JRT]

I know that I am probably going to draw some criticism for doing so from other members, but I felt that it was time to reach out and decided to break NC

It's not criticism it's sharing of experience.  Every single post I've ever read here about someone who went back to communicating regretted it, although if folks do it and disappear because they now have the relationship of their dreams, we'd never know, and I sure hope that's true.

No point in second guessing the actions of a borderline, better to look strongly at your real motives and be honest with yourself now, because as you might agree we tend to get lost a little when we're in it.  Take care of you!

Thanks... .the contact is for me, not us. My goal is closure. If I can accomplish more, then that would be nice too. 

[cloudten]

I think it could be many outcomes:

1. Sending texts to a blocked number will show up as 'sent'. I just tested it with my phone and sending a text to my google voice account. It says sent but the text doesn't come through

2. On my phone I'm able to block calls, send calls straight to VM, allow texts only, block everything, or any combination of said things without having to install any third party app (android/GV)

3. She could be seeing the texts, but can't respond because she' not ready, confused, or whatever is happened since the last 10 months

Thanks for your input 'Never'

1- texts that I attempted in the past were accompanied by a fail message... .these were not not and the status report is exactly like messages from prior to the breakup. My carrier confirms that they were not blocked but references the possibility that a third party app was used to accomplish the text ok, voice block thing. I did a lot of digging on this.

2- she has the same phone I have or might have the replacement (I would guess), dunno a Galaxy Note 4. I am not able to even block, only reject with the phone alone. Blocking would have to come directly from my carrier.

3- I'm thinking this is the case. Did I mention that I was receiving silent calls for months and stopped only when I went on vacation? I also had a friend call the number to make sure that it was still active and her line and that friend had my ex call back twice after 3 days and THEN my friend received silent calls!

Just wondering what the thinking is here and how the disorder is at work. I am fairly certain that she does not have a replacement either. In fact, I have a gut instinct that she WANTS me to reach out... .even to chase. Has anyone had experience with something like this?

You should be able to block directly with the android. I went to verizon yesterday and they showed me how to do it with the phone, not the carrier. it does not block texts though- only calls. 

Another thought- verizon only blocks for 90 days for free, then unblocks if you don't log back in to continue the blocking.

When blocked from the phone directly, it stays blocked indefinitely.

[rotiroti]

JRT, when you were n/c for 10 months, did the desire wane on and off? Anything specific that made you want to break n/c this time around?

I'm only a month out, but I do notice that the desire to break n/c comes and goes. Usually worse during the weekends or special days (her bday is coming up)

[Skip]

JRT, I know this is hard.

You still care. It's certainly ok to feel that way.

You get weak and want to reach out.  That's OK too... .up until the point the other person says no, ands involves the authorities. Then you are in stalker territory.

I know you are not a stalker - but in this day and age, the label goes on really easy and fast.

If you want to reach out - don't let it be driven by a moment of weakness.  Two reasons.  One, you stand to push her further away (self defeating).  Two, you might get arrested.

Next time you have the the urge, go to the staying board, post the story, ask for advice. Take an action that is not going to make matters worse. Get a message that she can accept.  Deliver it in a way that is not threatening.

So where to, now.

I'd keep checking into the question your asking about technology.

The phone calls didn't land.      Great. Its as if they never happened.

If you can confirm that the texts never landed, that would be great, too.

[JRT]

JRT, when you were n/c for 10 months, did the desire wane on and off? Anything specific that made you want to break n/c this time around?

I'm only a month out, but I do notice that the desire to break n/c comes and goes. Usually worse during the weekends or special days (her bday is coming up)

It really came from me reading accounts from BPD sufferers on another forum that I subscribe to. Over the past many months, I ran through the standard stages of grieving for certain and thorugh them, had varying pangs of wanting to reach out. This time, its difficult to explain; although I have generally moved on, I at the same time accepted that I truly loved her and realize that she did me. To Skip's point, and not to be argumentative, it is not from a perspective of weakness that I am reaching out; it is just the opposite.

There was something there of substance between us both. I have have often times had a tough time posting here since most of the folks here have had these really horrific relationships full of lying, cheating, raging and the like. Mine was simply not... .it was the best one that I ever had and I have been around the block a few times at age 49! If I had a typical BPD r/s, I would agree that trying to reach out after 10 months would be weakness.

Those of us that are here have much to be upset about... .the anger and frustration is overwhelming and we have the right to be both and more! But hearing from the other side and how they suffer; trust me, they have it a LOT worse than us. Their pain is always and it torments them always and governs every aspect of their lives. It really makes me turn compassion towards them more than anything else. Often times they have no idea what compels them to do the things that they do and the thing that don't want to have happen more than anything else is for us to not leave them, even if THEY are doing the leaving!

I dunno NAT, I think that if you are in the natural cycle that those feelings will come and go. But there will be a point where you will no longer be full of emotion and can think clearly about our situation. Thats where I am right now and I think that it is time to reach out where, for example, I was not there last month and wouldn't have even considered it.

Does that help?

[Skip]

To Skip's point, and not to be argumentative, it is not from a perspective of weakness that I am reaching out; it is just the opposite.

There was something there of substance between us both. I have have often times had a tough time posting here since most of the folks here have had these really horrific relationships full of lying, cheating, raging and the like. Mine was simply not... .it was the best one that I ever had and I have been around the block a few times at age 49! If I had a typical BPD r/s

When I said "weakness", it might have been better said as impulsive. I might think a more planned or deliberate reaching out would have stopped after the first text - giving her time to process on her own terms. I also think that planned or deliberate reaching out would start with a safer, less personal, ice breaker.  That's all I meant.

I still think talking is possible... .perhaps even healthy.  

What do you think her reservations are?  Why do you think she hasn't been responsive?

How do you make this safe and easy for her?

[BorisAcusio]

Thanks... .the contact is for me, not us. My goal is closure. If I can accomplish more, then that would be nice too.  

Closure can only come from inside you.

In the aftermath of these relationships, our deeply held beliefs in life such as predictability, controllability, and the benevolence of others has been challanged. To recover from such trauma, we must intrapsychically reconcile our preexisting fundamental worldviews with new expereince. This self-reflection is what produces positive psychological changes and posttraumatic growth.  

I may be wrong, but from an outside perspective, you seem to continue with the relationship in your head in the hope of a possible reconciliation, and that malignant hope prevents you to disengage and pay attention to other aspects of the sitatuion.

What you need and I need and we all need on this forum, is radical acceptance, and letting go of that malignant hope.

JR'

Why is the door to your heart still open to her returning?  It is.  It's OK.

This is the question to ask, though - forget about the silent treatment thing and what she is doing to you - what are you doing to yourself and why?

Serious question - you seem clear that you would entertain another round.  What is it about the relationship that is so compelling to you. It might help to get that all out and get it out honestly.

We often talk about how bad our partners were, but the fact is, if they were so overwhelmingly bad, we'd walk away easy.

Something counters all of that. Is it her. Is is it fear. Is it _______  Sometimes its something big. Sometimes something small.  Sometimes even illogical.  SOmetime we don't know and that could be a topic of a thread in an of itself.

Putting a finger on it will really help.

What is it that keep the door open?

Skip asked some excellent questions back in April. Have any of your answers changed since then?

Mine was simply not... .it was the best one that I ever had and I have been around the block a few times at age 49! If I had a typical BPD r/s, I would agree that trying to reach out after 10 months would be weakness.

She ran away multiple times, called the cops on you, had a lawyer threaten a PPO against you, speciffcally stated that don't try to contact her and then adhered to that silence for ten long months. What makes you think that the relationship was mutually satisfactory?

Don't get me wrong, my ex had threatened me with legal action after founding out about her affair partner. At that time, it didn't stop me from reconciling with her two more times. That alone revealed volumes about my poor mental health.

[JRT]

When I said "weakness", it might have been better said as impulsive. I might think a more planned or deliberate reaching out would have stopped after the first text - giving her time to process on her own terms. I also think that planned or deliberate reaching out would start with a safer, less personal, ice breaker.  That's all I meant.

Thats ok... .I planned the text and asked several of my trusted friends (here and otherwise) to help craft the message and the manner of delivery. Even how I would reply if she responded and when and how I should follow up. I put a LOT of thought into it and the follow up.

What do you think her reservations are?    Why do you think she hasn't been responsive?

I think that I am probably still a trigger... .still painted black (but then why would she unblock me?)... .perhaps she wants to make me work for it it... .during recycles, it was always a persistent effort; history is the best predictor of the future. I am also pretty sure that she does not have a replacement.

How do you make this safe and easy for her?

I could really use some input here. What do BPD's need to hear? How does it need to be served?

[JRT]

I may be wrong, but from an outside perspective, you seem to continue with the relationship in your head in the hope of a possible reconciliation, and that malignant hope prevents you to disengage and pay attention to other aspects of the sitatuion.

What you need and I need and we all need on this forum, is radical acceptance, and letting go of that malignant hope.

Well of COURSE I hope for possible reconciliation... .but I am not counting on it. Heck, I am dating and looking for Miss Right and will marry her if she ever comes along. Hope need not be malignant, I feel. I am pretty free from those feelings that I had several months ago and am proceeding with my life. But I would wonder if I was the one with a PD if I was, somehow, able to 'un-love' someone with the surgical efficiency and effectiveness that the term 'malignant' infers. I am absolutely proud to say that I still profess various stages of love to EVERY woman with whom I had fallen in love including my ex wife (and that is saying a lot, trust me, ). I don't think that this admission or my feelings are malignant... .matter of fact, I think that they are quite emancipating to reconcile.

Why is the door to your heart still open to her returning?  It is.  It's OK.

see above

This is the question to ask, though - forget about the silent treatment thing and what she is doing to you - what are you doing to yourself and why?

I am being really honest with myself; I had a really great relationship with her, period. I cannot re-write history. I stood on my deck just 2 weeks before she took off and told her in no uncertain terms how incredibly happy that I was and I meant it. Keep in mind, I temper my hopes of having some semblance of contact with her (not necessarily a r/s) with the notion that it may never happen and do not restrict myself from other possibilities. I have to tell you: it FINALLY felt really good for me to stop talking myself out of my feelings and recognize that they were still there and that they were real but also accepting potential outcomes that may not happen.

Serious question - you seem clear that you would entertain another round.  What is it about the relationship that is so compelling to you. It might help to get that all out and get it out honestly.

Well, we NEVER fought... .we had similar interests, values, pursuits and ambitions. We talked about the same things and felt good with one another... .I have had GF's that love bombed me; this was not love bombing, it was the real deal.

We often talk about how bad our partners were, but the fact is, if they were so overwhelmingly bad, we'd walk away easy.

Mine was not... .

What is it that keep the door open?  

Does the above explain it?

Skip asked some excellent questions back in April. Have any of your answers changed since then?  

Hmmmm... .don't really recall them specifically.

She ran away multiple times  

yes, we recylced

called the cops on you  

yes she did, after the breakup

had a lawyer threaten a PPO against you  

that too

speciffcally stated that don't try to contact her and then adhered to that silence for ten long months

correct

What makes you think that the relationship was mutually satisfactory?

You do recognize that those things were after the fact, right? She became triggered by the things that BPD's are triggered by. She clearly did some very extreme things. I think that our relationship was mutually satisfactory because well, see above again. I really don't think that people spend 2 years together without uttering a word of discontent (rather the opposite), agree to get married, sell their things, move in under their own volition and design and then decide overnight that the some heretofore inarticulated quality with the living arrangements was unacceptable to the extent that they would move away secretly and never speak with them ever again never bothering to see if that problem could be resolved?. I think that its fair to chalk this up to the type of behavior demonstrated by a person that has a PD. I am pretty well convinced that I meant the world to her... .and I probably still do. pwBPD do this sort of thing... .it is often impulsive... .and it is almost always, sooner or later, something for which they have profound regret.

Don't get me wrong, my ex had threatened me with legal action after founding out about her affair partner. At that time, it didn't stop me from reconciling with her two more times. That alone revealed volumes about my poor mental health.

Why would that be seen as poor mental health? You cared about someone and felt them to be important enough to give them a second and even a third chance. It takes a LOT of mettle and strength to overcome that.

[myself]

Because she may not have a replacement doesn't mean she wants to be with you. Or that you're the one to fill that space. It kind of sounds like you want to be the one to replace your past self. If you're still in love with her, try to be with her. There's no wrong in that. But don't build that on expectations or false beliefs. Her silence is an answer, too. At this point, with the r/s long over, she doesn't owe you anything, disordered or not. And, disordered or not, the best thing the other person can hear in a relationship is you being yourself. Too much second guessing, or taking actions too unnatural for you (like jumping through the hoops you say were part of previous patterns), does more harm than good. Be who you are, and keep getting better at it. That's your best chance no matter what you do. For a healthy relationship, the other person needs to do that too. Is she? Did she? Will she? Maybe what you're really looking for is closure. You're probably going to have to find that on your own, looking at the history like you said. Good luck. It's like ____ if we do and ____ if we don't. But at least we have a choice.

[JRT]

Thanks 'Myself' ... .I appreciate your thoughts... .I really do.

But I want to get back to the original question if I may:

' why would she go through the trouble of unblocking me from text but maintain the voice block?'

I would really like to hear some ideas on why a BPD would do this.

[Invictus01]

You know man, the only thing you can do if you decide to contact is not expect anything back or question symantics of it all. None of this will ever make any sense. Plus, you never know what you might hear back... .Nothing might be a good option 

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks 'Myself' ... .I appreciate your thoughts... .I really do.

But I want to get back to the original question if I may:

' why would she go through the trouble of unblocking me from text but maintain the voice block?'

I would really like to hear some ideas on why a BPD would do this.

One option is written communication is less emotionally involving than verbal on the phone, which in turn is less emotionally involving than meeting in person; for someone who has trouble managing emotions, written is safer and easier, a way to keep someone at a distance.

We all do that.  A "dear John" letter, hiding behind email, calling someone instead of going and seeing them because it's safer and less vulnerable.  Taken to the extreme, who someone shows up as in writing can be entirely different than who they are in person.  Ring any bells?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thanks 'Myself' ... .I appreciate your thoughts... .I really do.

But I want to get back to the original question if I may:

' why would she go through the trouble of unblocking me from text but maintain the voice block?'

I would really like to hear some ideas on why a BPD would do this.

I sent you a DM as to my thoughts on the matter. True abandonment by a partner who has neither shown nor stated displeasure in the relationship is much more difficult to get over than couples where there are clear problems that are not resolved. True abandonment is akin to having the person you love die unexpectedly except with abandonment our partners are still alive and seem to be unwilling to offer an explanation for their actions. Professionals state that it is far more difficult to get over than regular relationship breakups and can leave the person who was abandoned questioning many of the beliefs they have had throughout their life.

Having been in the same place, I know that I am deeply angry at God for having wasted ten years of my life on someone who may or may not have an illness, but definitely has something wrong with her. I understand where you are coming from and why.

I hope that maybe someone who reads your post can offer you an answer to your question rather than continue to challenge you on why you ask.

[myself]

' why would she go through the trouble of unblocking me from text but maintain the voice block?'

It could be one of those times where her 'feelings' got the best of her and she's seeing if she still exists (to you, in this case). If you're still out there, still thinking about her, still wanting to try again if you had the chance (even though there may not really be a chance). She might be feeling bad about what happened but can't really face it. I agree text is 'easier/more manageable' than voice or in person. My ex certainly acted many times along similar lines. It helped her control what was going on/not going on. When direct and honest communication would have worked best.

[rotiroti]

I really don't think that people spend 2 years together without uttering a word of discontent (rather the opposite), agree to get married, sell their things, move in under their own volition and design and then decide overnight that the some heretofore inarticulated quality with the living arrangements was unacceptable to the extent that they would move away secretly and never speak with them ever again never bothering to see if that problem could be resolved?

Something like this happened to me or rather I was the one that left an abusive relationship after a few years. We never verbally fought but just fell apart after being married and starting a life together. My point is that while there might not be words of discontent, there might have been non verbal signs everywhere including the multiple episodes of running away. Perhaps she's also avoidant and is not the best of communicators and let these things fester inside until having had enough and moving away.

Are the police reports and lawyers true as well? Actions speak louder than words imo.

I'm sorry that you're going through something this painful. They truly do feel like soulmates and I believe the love was genuine at the time, but it's a love based on need rather than a true connection. Could a soulmate just up and leave like that?

[rotiroti]

Thanks 'Myself' ... .I appreciate your thoughts... .I really do.

But I want to get back to the original question if I may:

' why would she go through the trouble of unblocking me from text but maintain the voice block?'

I would really like to hear some ideas on why a BPD would do this.

What carrier does she have? Some carriers have a time limit on blocks, for example I think verizon is 90 days

[JRT]

I can see the ease of written communication, its the easiest way to go - low emotion or no emotion and zero dealing with shame. What her motives are in doing so, at least in terms of what she hoped to achieved I may never know; she did it for a reason. She had to actually open up the app, and unblock me and click on 'apply'. She could have reversed the action but chose not to. Its pathetic that all that some of us are very small signs on which to base conclusions.

[JRT]

its Verizon but its moot if she is using a third party app... .Verizon explained to me today that she probably is if the texts went through but I am unable to call.

[JRT]

Something like this happened to me or rather I was the one that left an abusive relationship after a few years. We never verbally fought but just fell apart after being married and starting a life together. My point is that while there might not be words of discontent, there might have been non verbal signs everywhere including the multiple episodes of running away. Perhaps she's also avoidant and is not the best of communicators and let these things fester inside until having had enough and moving away.

Sorry to hear that you had to go through this R... .I can definitely relate. Its certainly confusing and hurtful isn't it? In my case, we never fought now was there any abuse of any kind from either of us. If you both didn't fight, from what kind of abuse did you suffer? I would consider myself to be a fairly astute and person who cares enough to be in tune with my partners needs. I have spent the last 10 months asking of there was anything that I missed; there was nothing. I didn't play the fool for her, but I attended to her needs very well. In fact, she was very specific in complimenting me there as were her family and friends.  

Are the police reports and lawyers true as well? Actions speak louder than words imo.

Reports? Report. Her son worked for a law firm... .after the b/u, I tired to call and email her several times. The firm gave her a freebie since her son worked there. The cops; I called her on xmas eve, 3 months after the fact, yes. She called the police. My lawyer, though careful to tell me to watched my steps, was pretty clear that a ppo would never be granted by any sober judge

I'm sorry that you're going through something this painful.

thanks... .but not really very painful any longer... .just confusing and I have questions that I would like to share with others, in the same way that I like that they share with me.[/b] They truly do feel like soulmates and I believe the love was genuine at the time, but it's a love based on need rather than a true connection. Could a soulmate just up and leave like that? Yes, I do believe that they can and that they do. I believe that they become closer than their emotions can control... .fear kicks in and so does their fight or flight response. I think that this is basic to BPD at least how I understand it. Reading the stories from BPD sufferers supports this in, it seems, most cases. They realize that they something happened that they couldn't necessarily control... .they pushed away someone that they deeply cared about... .they make up a story about the ex to justify their actions (making things even worse) ... .but sooner or later are sick with their actions and yet another loss of someone of high value in their lives.  

[Skip]

I think that its fair to chalk this up to the type of behavior demonstrated by a person that has a PD. I am pretty well convinced that I meant the world to her... .and I probably still do. pwBPD do this sort of thing... .it is often impulsive... .and it is almost always, sooner or later, something for which they have profound regret.

Probable? Not-to-sure about that, JRT.  Possible? Sure.

When we start thinking we know how someone feels more than they do - or that there is a mental illness translator where "up" means "down" - we are entering into a zone that is at best, enmeshed and codependent and at worst, stalkerish. Use your knowledge of mental illness, smartly.

This is one of those "bpdfamily.com" things.

Us (those at bpdfamily who are supporting you) also want to be sure that we don't get into "intervention" zone - where we start thinking we know what you need better than you do.  

This is one of those "bpdfamily.com" things, too.

This thread (myself included, you included) feels a little like we are talking at each other, not to each other. I'll try to do better.

That said, sending 2 texts at month 10 is not-over-the-top behavior by any means. It's a probe.

Right now, its an unanswered probe - you opened the door and she didn't engage. In any play book, its time to step back, give her space, and let her process it for a while.  If you over-pursue, you push her away.

How do you make this safe and easy for her?

I could really use some input here. What do BPD's need to hear? How does it need to be served?

I'm not sure, JRT, if the Leaving Board is the best place for this advice. This is a detachment board.  I'd try the Staying board.

To your original question: Unblocked from texting. Any theories?  

I think its a low probability that this was an act of reaching out. One, its incredibly subtle.  Two, she was not responsive to your probe.  My "theory" is that was either inadvertent (as some have suggested) or an effort at "normalization" - that she has been on DEFCON 5 for 10 months (which is tiring) and she downgraded to DEFCON 4.

To your follow-on question: What do BPD's need to hear? How does it need to be served?  

My "theory" is that you played your card and got no response. The backup tactic is to look at it as a "seed" and to sit back for a few weeks/months and let her process it.  

My general suggestion, would be to wait until the fall holidays and do the opposite of what you did here. Rather than go in heavy with relationship talk - just send a light holiday greeting that can be easily responded too - then follow her lead (if there is one).

I suspect that even if she was open to having a friendship with you, right now she is afraid that you will take any movement by her in your direction as a green light to rekindling the relationship. You're not "safe" until it is clear that you have let go and won't over-pursue.  I don't think this is a BPD thing - I think its a male/female thing.  

She probably needs to get to DEFCON 2 before she will reciprocate.

[sas1729]

Hey JRT,

Everyone has given a lot of great advice. I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I'll try to offer some too. I know you've already made the decision and took action to reach out. I'm six months out myself and the feeling of wanting to get back in touch has waned to nothing. But I'm sure my relationship was different from the one that you had.

As many have already said, you reached out and all you can do is let her decide to contact you or not. But one thing that struck me in one of your replies is that you were wondering if she is making you "work" for her to get back in touch. I'm probably naive, but it seems to me like that is something to consider. I did it all the time in my previous relationship with my BPDex. Only after the relationship ended did I think about how much "work" I did to get back in touch with her after every fight. Now keep in mind that the fights I had lasted days at most. I realized that I don't really want to be "working" so hard to get someone's attention. I think work in a relationship should be mutual.

As for closure... .I don't know. My birthday was last month. So it was already six months out (it's almost seven now). I still thought about her. I just don't know if there can be definitive closure. Emotions were so intense, highs and lows, and the end came suddenly. I suppose the only closure I got was from learning about BPD and accepting that this is how people who suffer from it are.

[JRT]

I think that its fair to chalk this up to the type of behavior demonstrated by a person that has a PD. I am pretty well convinced that I meant the world to her... .and I probably still do. pwBPD do this sort of thing... .it is often impulsive... .and it is almost always, sooner or later, something for which they have profound regret.

Probable? Not-to-sure about that, JRT.  Possible? Sure.

This might be a 2 beer conversation but I'll go with either term

Us (those at bpdfamily who are supporting you) also want to be sure that we don't get into "intervention" zone - where we start thinking we know what you need better than you do.  

I have been feeling this just about every time that I post something here. I hope that this is viewed as the constructive feedback that it is intended for: many times when a post, mine or otherwise, does not conform to a certain set of criteria (usually profound anger, NC, no reconciliation - EVER, no friendship, burning at the stake, etc.), there seems to be a gangpile on the person that is not conforming to, what often seems like a, torch and pitch fork wielding mob. I think that this thread a is an example of that where I asked a very specific question and rather than answer the question, 11 posts later and I had to ask the question again. Meanwhile, my motives and r/s were impeached! Almost to the point that some members seem to be here for debate club, not to support one another.Again, constructive criticism 

That said, sending 2 texts at month 10 is not-over-the-top behavior by any means. It's a probe. I agree

Right now, its an unanswered probe - you opened the door and she didn't engage. In any play book, its time to step back, give her space, and let her process it for a while.  If you over-pursue, you push her away. Everyone is different. In a general sense, I would agree. But I had to be persistent in the past. If I want to play her game (thats a BIG 'if', it is likely that this is what she wants to see. Thats just her... .I could see to others where this would be stalkerish for sure. Even give persistence, I do agree that there is a point that a PPO would be well deserved and the effort would serve more to push than anything else.

I'm not sure, JRT, if the Leaving Board is the best place for this advice. This is a detachment board.  I'd try the Staying board. Okay... .I think you are right

To your original question: Unblocked from texting. Any theories?  

I think its a low probability that this was an act of reaching out. One, its incredibly subtle.  Two, she was not responsive to your probe.  My "theory" is that was either inadvertent (as some have suggested) or an effort at "normalization" - that she has been on DEFCON 5 for 10 months (which is tiring) and she downgraded to DEFCON 4. If it were this alone I would agree... .but I have also been receiving silent calls that I HIGHLY suspect are her, odd visitors to social media (I caught her red handed back in February)... .and some other 'subtlties'. Part of this is knowing her, how she operates and how recycles happened before. 

To your follow-on question: What do BPD's need to hear? How does it need to be served?  

My "theory" is that you played your card and got no response. The backup tactic is to look at it as a "seed" and to sit back for a few weeks/months and let her process it.  Thats probably a good approach. But I also consider that she wanted that persistence that I mentioned above. She actually complimented that at one point. I'll definitely be putting a lot of thought into what I do next... .if anything.

My general suggestion, would be to wait until the fall holidays and do the opposite of what you did here. Rather than go in heavy with relationship talk - just send a light holiday greeting that can be easily responded too - then follow her lead (if there is one). That's good advice.

I suspect that even if she was open to having a friendship with you, right now she is afraid that you will take any movement by her in your direction as a green light to rekindling the relationship. You're not "safe" until it is clear that you have let go and won't over-pursue.  I don't think this is a BPD thing - I think its a male/female thing.   - I think that this definitely a huge element!

She probably needs to get to DEFCON 2 before she will reciprocate. She HAS done this in the past... .she is capable. She still speaks to her ex husband after he was painted balck for a long while. We'll see.

Thanks for the advice!

[JRT]

Hey JRT,

Everyone has given a lot of great advice. I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I'll try to offer some too. I know you've already made the decision and took action to reach out. I'm six months out myself and the feeling of wanting to get back in touch has waned to nothing. But I'm sure my relationship was different from the one that you had.

As many have already said, you reached out and all you can do is let her decide to contact you or not. But one thing that struck me in one of your replies is that you were wondering if she is making you "work" for her to get back in touch. I'm probably naive, but it seems to me like that is something to consider. I did it all the time in my previous relationship with my BPDex. Only after the relationship ended did I think about how much "work" I did to get back in touch with her after every fight. Now keep in mind that the fights I had lasted days at most. I realized that I don't really want to be "working" so hard to get someone's attention. I think work in a relationship should be mutual.

As for closure... .I don't know. My birthday was last month. So it was already six months out (it's almost seven now). I still thought about her. I just don't know if there can be definitive closure. Emotions were so intense, highs and lows, and the end came suddenly. I suppose the only closure I got was from learning about BPD and accepting that this is how people who suffer from it are.

Hi SAS

Thanks for your reply and your thoughts, I really appreciate your input. Sorry to hear that this happened to you. Of course, I can very much relate and know how difficult this is.

I know that your and my r/s might have been radically different, I miss mine - it was fantastic! If yours was this way, would putting in some effort; 'working' towards a possible reconciliation (or even just for closure), would putting in that effort not be worth it?

I realize that I might be unique in this respect, perhaps even extreme. If I look back on all the good things that I have accomplished in my life, it is because I have worked hard to achieve them and made sacrifices to overcome obstacles. Of all of the things that I endeavored to do but failed, it is because I didn't quite put in the effort and sacrifice necessary in order to achieve those goals. I realize that r/s's are a bit different in this regard but this principle applies in my case.

[JRT]

So here is the epilogue and it might be the final page on this whole thing:

Of course I had sent her a text last Thursday, telling her that I missed her, how I wished for different outcome and invited her to talk and the text went through. I had not heard back so on Tuesday, I sent another very similar text (she appreciated the persistence of my contact in the past when we recycled but I didn't want to over do it). I tired once again yesterday, I asked why she had unblocked me if she had no intention of responding at all. I probably should have waited a few more day son this one but it really didn't matter as I discovered that I was blocked once again.

Naturally, my mind wanders to assigning meaning to this (why would she unblock me in the first place, accept a couple of messages over the period of a week, then decide that she needed to re-block me? I imagine that there was some ruminating about it on her end otherwise it would have been done immediately). I really thought that I almost a year after the fact and some subtle signs that I saw provided an indication that she might be ready to communicate, but it looks like I might have mis-read these signs.

Although I feel the same way about her and our relationship - and as profoundly crazy as it ended with her sustained animosity - I am trusting that even a conversation with her will never be had. Not one word of explanation or dis-regulation at all; split black forever over a one day period!

I have to admit that this really shakes my longstanding beliefs and opinions regarding faith, God, trust, loyalty, persistence, sacrifice, giving, love and just being a good person in general. Its not always the case that any of those things matter (I always thought that they did); in the end, I have been wasting my time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JRT, Maybe I'm jaded, but I don't think the answer to your question matters.  Next time, I suggest that you let her initiate contact.  In the meantime, and until there is evidence to the  contrary, I would suggest that you are barking up the wrong tree.  I understand that this is hard for you to accept, but maybe that is the lesson you're supposed to learn from this experience.

LuckyJim

[fromheeltoheal]

I have to admit that this really shakes my longstanding beliefs and opinions regarding faith, God, trust, loyalty, persistence, sacrifice, giving, love and just being a good person in general. Its not always the case that any of those things matter (I always thought that they did); in the end, I have been wasting my time.

Learning is not wasting time; the only useless pain is the pain we don't use.  Those things do matter, and you can now make a choice: make your heart smaller and build a wall around it to protect it, or make it expand even more and insist that you share those traits with the world, and the people who show up in your life when you're coming from that place are the ones who are supposed to, right when we need the to.  Exciting!

[Skip]

I have to admit that this really shakes my longstanding beliefs and opinions regarding faith, God, trust, loyalty, persistence, sacrifice, giving, love and just being a good person in general. Its not always the case that any of those things matter (I always thought that they did); in the end, I have been wasting my time.

You really cared for her.  It didn't work out.  That is a huge loss.

I really thought ... .some subtle signs that I saw provided an indication that she might be ready to communicate, but it looks like I might have mis-read these signs.

The important thing is you can read the signs more clearly, now.

In the end, she only saw two emails.  The rest of the stuff was blocked - so its as it never existed (which is good, it was probably too much).