Rules in a r/s with pwBPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Thinking back to our r/s, I remember my uBPDxgf coming up with all sorts of rules. Most had to do with jealousy, but not all. The interesting thing is she always broke all of her own rules. I was to be understanding of this, but if I ever broke one of her rules, she would scream for hours on end. What are your experiences regarding this?

[LonelyChild]

Thinking back to our r/s, I remember my uBPDxgf coming up with all sorts of rules. Most had to do with jealousy, but not all. The interesting thing is she always broke all of her own rules. I was to be understanding of this, but if I ever broke one of her rules, she would scream for hours on end. What are your experiences regarding this?

[Cleveland]

oh I had that ALL THE TIME.

If I pointed it out, she blamed it on my past bad behavior so it didn't apply to her.

Let's see: the amount of time I could spend on the internet, I was supposed to come directly home after anything, I had time limits for doing anything in the house that didn't involve our D, chores, or her - like if I wanted to work out or work on a project. 

She never directly said it, but she made it uncomfortable for me to have a phone call in the house, then I started using my commute to keep in touch with friends (on a hands free) but she didn't like me even using a hands free despite being a notorious texter while driving.

She wanted me to go see a doctor over everything, but always refused despite near constant complaining of pain.

Funny enough, right before we broke up she supposedly had fractured a vertebrae (did go to a doc for that).  A few months ago we were having a good period and I asked how it was and she said it had magically recovered immediately after she left.

I said, so did my anxiety you diagnosed me with.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, someone who is in fear of both abandonment and engulfment and has trouble regulating emotions is going to want to be in control, as a way to hopefully feel better.  Rules are about control, and were never meant to be reciprocal in her head.  The big question now is did we consider that an equal partnership at the time?  Did we consider the control attempts inconsiderate and disrespectful?  If so, what decisions did we make and what beliefs did we adopt to make it OK to stay?

[LonelyChild]

oh I had that ALL THE TIME.

If I pointed it out, she blamed it on my past bad behavior so it didn't apply to her.

Let's see: the amount of time I could spend on the internet, I was supposed to come directly home after anything, I had time limits for doing anything in the house that didn't involve our D, chores, or her - like if I wanted to work out or work on a project. 

She never directly said it, but she made it uncomfortable for me to have a phone call in the house, then I started using my commute to keep in touch with friends (on a hands free) but she didn't like me even using a hands free despite being a notorious texter while driving.

She wanted me to go see a doctor over everything, but always refused despite near constant complaining of pain.

Funny enough, right before we broke up she supposedly had fractured a vertebrae (did go to a doc for that).  A few months ago we were having a good period and I asked how it was and she said it had magically recovered immediately after she left.

I said, so did my anxiety you diagnosed me with.

Thanks for your reply. You bring up constant complaining of pain. This seems common with pwBPD. Physical pain. All the time. Is it real or is it something they just say? What do you think? My uBPDxgf had pain all over ALL THE TIME. Sore joints, back pain, headaches, stomach aches, nausea, exhaustion, sore feet, sweating, etc.

[greenmonkey]

oh were there rules, down to coasters on the tables (obsessive which led to rage), what TV we watched if we did not watch what she wanted - oh the complaining, what food was eaten and bought - again what she wanted (although she contributed zero to the running of the house, never went food shopping and never cooked).

She believed that when she woke up the whole household should do the same - even though I was on nights and got in between 4-6 am, she would get up and have her music blaring as she could not stand the silence - again her rules - and no consideration for anyone else.

She could be sat on her phone for hours - me - I got a blasting, same with my laptop and all the tools I need for work (I am self employed and find my own work)

She complained about pains in her legs, back, neck, shoulder, hips all the time, she would come back from work not lift a finger. I was working 100 plus hours a week and did everything and she sat on her backside. Her rules, her entitlement.

When I had enough on my 50th - the one night of the year to make an effort and show she cared - she did zero and came out with "I was going to ... .but ... ." I decided actions spoke a lot louder than words, and I made my rules which broke all of hers and I started fighting back, not tolerating her BS and made steps to detach.

An adult relationship is about compromise, equal share, mutual respect - there was none of that

[LonelyChild]

oh were there rules, down to coasters on the tables (obsessive which led to rage), what TV we watched if we did not watch what she wanted - oh the complaining, what food was eaten and bought - again what she wanted (although she contributed zero to the running of the house, never went food shopping and never cooked).

She believed that when she woke up the whole household should do the same - even though I was on nights and got in between 4-6 am, she would get up and have her music blaring as she could not stand the silence - again her rules - and no consideration for anyone else.

She could be sat on her phone for hours - me - I got a blasting, same with my laptop and all the tools I need for work (I am self employed and find my own work)

She complained about pains in her legs, back, neck, shoulder, hips all the time, she would come back from work not lift a finger. I was working 100 plus hours a week and did everything and she sat on her backside. Her rules, her entitlement.

When I had enough on my 50th - the one night of the year to make an effort and show she cared - she did zero and came out with "I was going to ... .but ... ." I decided actions spoke a lot louder than words, and I made my rules which broke all of hers and I started fighting back, not tolerating her BS and made steps to detach.

An adult relationship is about compromise, equal share, mutual respect - there was none of that

Wow, this sounds exactly like my uBPDxgf.

1. Pain everywhere, all the time.

2. Lots of complaining. I need to do more. She did nothing.

3. Never cooked, never went to the grocery store to get food for us etc.

4. Couldn't stand silence so always had to sleep with TV on etc.

5. When I had enough, I ALWAYS got "I was going to, but... ."

6. Contributed nothing. Never cleaned my apartment (she lived with me), never cooked food, never paid for anything, never did ANYTHING to contribute, but always complained that I need to do more.

It's crazy how they are all the same.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, unaddressed emotional issues or stress can show up as physical symptoms; ever been really stressed out for a while and then gotten a cold or the flu?  It could be a temporary depletion of our immune system, or if it's chronic, it will always be something.  And that was painful for most of us, wanting to make it better, wanting to help, how did that feel when our exes were sick and we couldn't fix it?

[RisingSun]

Oh, yes, the rules. And on her terms. So many double standards I don't even know where to begin.

If she made a rule or if we agreed on a rule together it made no difference. If she didn't want to be bound to that rule she'd have an accuse or justification to break it.

But if I did the same, oh god, I was getting a lashing.

Also, this same theme would extend to things we said we would take care of. Like if I said I would do such and such and couldn't get to it right away or forgot, she would

throw a fit. But if she agreed to do something and not follow through and I asked her nicely to take care of it, she would throw a fit and tell me if I wanted it done, I should

just do it myself. If I challenged her, I was controlling and demanding.

She not only made up rules. She wrote the book on what a man should do for a lady. Or so she thought. If there was something that I didn't want to do, forgot to do or wasn't

in my nature to do there was hell to pay in the form of emasculation.  Her favorite line "a man should always_______, you should know this!". And according to her, there's

no standards a woman should live by. She was a hardcore feminist when it served her.

One last thing that I think fits here. She was on my case for months about her wanting me to read the book, Non-Violent Communication. I was in the middle of a few books at the time and wanted to finish them before starting something new. Well, she wouldn't let it go. One night while sitting in bed she grabbed the book and THREW it at me and demanded I start reading it right then. I decided to read it :/ After I was a few chapters in, I started trying to talk to her about some of the topics covered, asking how she felt about certain things. Come to find out, she hadn't read a page of the book. Said I needed it more than her.   

   


 

[Meadowslark]

• Constant complaints of headaches, back aches, joint pain, double vision... .but if you complained, there was Hell to pay.

• Do not ever place any decor within her field of vision ever, including in your own room. She isn't happy, therefore no one else is allowed to be, either. Your decorations will always be ugly, awful, offensive or "too loud", even if she never spends any time in there.

• Do not question or stand up to her, ever, or you will receive a silent treatment lasting roughly 3 days.

• Do not ask any personal questions ever, or you risk being assaulted. You will be called a "snoop" and "nosy" and even "judgmental", but remember, you don't know anything about her because you don't care!

• No one should wake up before her (she woke up whenever she felt like it). She would also get into bouts of insomnia so if she can't sleep, you're not supposed to because reasons.

• She can leave garbage wherever she wants and can have the nastiest, smelliest, dirtiest room but if you leave a sock on the floor in your room? You're a disgusting pig. Once, she threw my Magic Card collection (which I had neatly separated) into random piles in my room because she was angry, which caused a mess, which pissed her off more.

• Do not call her out on not doing what she said she would do - if you did, you are controlling, mean and nasty. Cue temper tantrum.

• Complaints about being hungry and "no food being in the house" when the kitchen is fully stocked and she's just too lazy/indecisive about what to eat.

• If you don't want to engage with her when she demands that you do, cue smear campaign, temper tantrums and verbal abuse. If you want her to do something on your time, you get profanity.

• Everything is Wrong (and if you don't like it, Everything is Still Wrong Including You)

And the list goes on~

[chill1986]

Mine were all very hypocritical like not using my phone too much, yet she used hers loads. I couldn't watch too much TV or my programs yet had to watch hers etc etc there were loads of unsaid ones, but they didn't effect me a great few so I just did them anyway.

[hergestridge]

One last thing that I think fits here. She was on my case for months about her wanting me to read the book, Non-Violent Communication. I was in the middle of a few books at the time and wanted to finish them before starting something new. Well, she wouldn't let it go. One night while sitting in bed she grabbed the book and THREW it at me and demanded I start reading it right then. I decided to read it

She threw a book called "Non-Violent Communication" at you? I don't know if that's mindless violence of comic genius really... . 

Thinking back on the 20 years I spend with by BPDxwife, she was never big on rules. I think she wanted there to be more rules but I wanted to leave things open, for us to discuss things through and express our wishes when they occured. And i think I had my way because she couldn't express how she wanted things to be.

If I wanted to do something I could just tell her if she thought it was ok, and that was how it worked. I think she would have prefered to have some kind of framework of rules/regulations to relate to instead, because what she hated more than anything was to "ask for permission". She was never comfortable with having a person there to negotiate with (which is what you do in a relationship, basically), a person who is vulnerable and can become angry.

She always got in trouble with other people at school or at workplaces, and she would often use rules to get at people - turning people in for not doing things according to the book etc. I pointed out to her many times that you have to consider loyalty and frienship and that the weapons you use can be turned against you at any time. This of course lead to a "I know... .I'm a bad person!" rant.

I think a pwBPD can relate to rules a bit like a borstal boy or an intern does. The rules are not set up to enhance social life, they are weapons you can grab in the heat of the moment. A pwBPD has trouble seeing things from two ways at the same time, so it's difficult for them to see the point I suppose.

[ppb2la]

I couldn't light a candle in my own home without his permission.

He would usually make the coffee in the morning and I wasn't allowed in my own kitchen when he was doing that.

I was never supposed to see if he needed anything- more napkins, coffee etc. as he said he was able to take care of himself. However, when I didn't check  I would be told that I didn't care.

Not to speak in the morning when he had gotten up as he was getting his thoughts together.

Not to speak when we were out for a meal until he was almost finished with his.

Always to allow him to drive when we were going anywhere in my car.

I was expected to buy only certain brands of everything.

Always to follow his lead on everything as "I am the man and the one in control-" even though I was 8 years older... .

[sas1729]

This is an interesting topic. I'm learning from reading the replies here. It's helped me to put into perspective some of the details that I remember. For example, the coasters on the coffee table in her apartment. She wanted me to use them. At the time I thought it was logical, but now I remember how precisely she wanted it. Maybe that alone is not BPD (there are obsessive nonBPDs) but it is still interesting to think about.

My experience was more that the rules were 1) nebulous enough to not be stated as rules and 2) complete double standards. The most frustrating thing was that I was always under subtle pressure to not see my friends and if I did to have a time coming back. In fact, she even said that it's not equal, because she said that things from her past made her want a timeframe for when I did go out. In turn, she could stay out as long as she wanted to. That frustrated me. I put up with it.

I stayed at her apartment nearly every night. I had my own place but hers was admittedly much nicer, so it seemed to make sense. She complained that I kicked in my sleep (I've never been told that before) so I couldn't sleep in the same bed as her. I slept on the couch for close to a year. She never once volunteered to let me sleep in the bed and her on the couch if indeed she really needed to not sleep next to me.

But this is the thing - the rules were never stated as rules. There was simply pressure applied to get things her way. And from habit of caving in they became rules to live by.

[Gonzalo]

She hated calling anything, even our basic relationship agreements, rules, and would tell me that it was all in my head if I tried to call her out on it. But, like the other posters, she had all kinds of specific rules for things that I was supposed to do, and if I didn't follow these rules that I never even heard of and never agreed to, I'd get shouted at and/or ignored until I did. And of course, these were all one sided.

There was a whole set of trigger words, phrases, and concepts that I wasn't allowed to use - but that she could use freely. There was a whole complicated thing about calling her back on the phone in a certain timeframe even if she didn't leave a message, but she felt free to miss the time she said she'd be home and not return my calls/texts for hours on end. There were all kinds of limits on what I was allowed to do when she was angry or upset, but that didn't apply to her at all. And various things around the house would be simply decided by her with no input from me, like how empty grocery bags should be stored or whether I could close doors or turn off lights.

But this is the thing - the rules were never stated as rules. There was simply pressure applied to get things her way. And from habit of caving in they became rules to live by.

One of the major things I learned from my relationship is to aggressively fight against creeping, sneaky rules like that. It's not OK for a partner to shout at me or berate me in general, and it's not my job to try to placate their anger unless I've actually done something wrong. In the future if I encounter someone who's trying to act like I broke a rule that I didn't actually have spelled out and agree to, I will confront that behavior on the spot, and break off the relationship if they refuse to acknowledge the problem.

This pattern of sneaking rules is especially tricky for me because I don't have much social intuition - in social situations I do a lot more conscious analysis and creating of 'rules' for how to operate than most people. The creeping rules feeds into this really well because it fits the 'bad response - make a note not to do that again' pattern in my head.

[blissful_camper]

The r/s was on his terms.  That was difficult.  What created more difficulty was that his terms often changed, and with that change the terms became more challenging.  Unable to control himself, he attempted to control others and his environment as much as possible to reduce the chance of a reaction to a trigger. 

[Loosestrife]

It's sad as the rules are the only way BPDs can see as a way for controlling their unbearable emotions. I have been through so many roller coasters that I don't know what the rules in healthy relationships are any more. I'm hoping that in time this will come back to me.

[workinprogress]

In simple terms, in reference to the book, "Mind Fist",  they are bullies and they want us to be their victims.  It's really as simple as that.

[myself]

When I said, "It's like you want me to be perfect," she said, "It's not about being perfect. You just have to be 100% one hundred percent of the time, or I'll find someone who will."

[blissful_camper]

It's sad as the rules are the only way BPDs can see as a way for controlling their unbearable emotions. I have been through so many roller coasters that I don't know what the rules in healthy relationships are any more. I'm hoping that in time this will come back to me.

In a healthy relationship there are characteristics that both partners bring to the table (equality and respect come to mind) that enable an intimate functional relationship to form.   There's no place for power and control in a healthy relationship.  That includes friendships (non-romantic) too.  

[fromheeltoheal]

It's sad as the rules are the only way BPDs can see as a way for controlling their unbearable emotions. I have been through so many roller coasters that I don't know what the rules in healthy relationships are any more. I'm hoping that in time this will come back to me.

In a healthy relationship there are characteristics that both partners bring to the table (equality and respect come to mind) that enable an intimate functional relationship to form.   There's no place for power and control in a healthy relationship.  That includes friendships (non-romantic) too.  

I agree bliss.  And I still struggle with that; control and leadership are two different things, and it's possible to lead while loving and respecting the other person, who is following, and not 'control'.  The best I've done is one partner leads in some situations and the other leads in others, but the perfect, equal partnership doesn't seem to be stable, someone is always going to lead, and least when you're doing things together, although yes, sitting around doing nothing there's a comfortable leaderlessness.

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

oh were there rules, down to coasters on the tables (obsessive which led to rage), what TV we watched if we did not watch what she wanted - oh the complaining, what food was eaten and bought - again what she wanted (although she contributed zero to the running of the house, never went food shopping and never cooked).

She believed that when she woke up the whole household should do the same - even though I was on nights and got in between 4-6 am, she would get up and have her music blaring as she could not stand the silence - again her rules - and no consideration for anyone else.

She could be sat on her phone for hours - me - I got a blasting, same with my laptop and all the tools I need for work (I am self employed and find my own work)

She complained about pains in her legs, back, neck, shoulder, hips all the time, she would come back from work not lift a finger. I was working 100 plus hours a week and did everything and she sat on her backside. Her rules, her entitlement.

When I had enough on my 50th - the one night of the year to make an effort and show she cared - she did zero and came out with "I was going to ... .but ... ." I decided actions spoke a lot louder than words, and I made my rules which broke all of hers and I started fighting back, not tolerating her BS and made steps to detach.

An adult relationship is about compromise, equal share, mutual respect - there was none of that

Hey dear Greenmonkey,

thanx for posting this - it is exactly  the story of mine - her rules which can only be broken by her... .if I do just one mistake there's fire in the house - and when I complained about me cooking all the time and doing household... .and asking her to help me with or at least do a part of it then I got a splash back when she is angry saying: You are so lazy, ohh is it so difficult to cook, you are just complaining all the time and so on. Impossible to have a normal conversation with a normal ending - or without putting this subject up again in the next fight... .accusing me how lazy I am... .huh... .so much accusation made me think that I might be really lousy at this field... .i start to doubt myself... .she definitely managed to put my self-esteem to the minimum... .

And so it is with all the other things... .if I open up myself and talk about my fears... .she understands but then later she brings them up again when we fight... and use them as a backfire... .but I keep on opening up to her on good days... .how stupid! However, I don't want to have a dishonest r/s where there is always place for her imperfections and mine are always overlooked or made fun off later on... .

[LonelyChild]

oh were there rules, down to coasters on the tables (obsessive which led to rage), what TV we watched if we did not watch what she wanted - oh the complaining, what food was eaten and bought - again what she wanted (although she contributed zero to the running of the house, never went food shopping and never cooked).

She believed that when she woke up the whole household should do the same - even though I was on nights and got in between 4-6 am, she would get up and have her music blaring as she could not stand the silence - again her rules - and no consideration for anyone else.

She could be sat on her phone for hours - me - I got a blasting, same with my laptop and all the tools I need for work (I am self employed and find my own work)

She complained about pains in her legs, back, neck, shoulder, hips all the time, she would come back from work not lift a finger. I was working 100 plus hours a week and did everything and she sat on her backside. Her rules, her entitlement.

When I had enough on my 50th - the one night of the year to make an effort and show she cared - she did zero and came out with "I was going to ... .but ... ." I decided actions spoke a lot louder than words, and I made my rules which broke all of hers and I started fighting back, not tolerating her BS and made steps to detach.

An adult relationship is about compromise, equal share, mutual respect - there was none of that

Hey dear Greenmonkey,

thanx for posting this - it is exactly  the story of mine - her rules which can only be broken by her... .if I do just one mistake there's fire in the house - and when I complained about me cooking all the time and doing household... .and asking her to help me with or at least do a part of it then I got a splash back when she is angry saying: You are so lazy, ohh is it so difficult to cook, you are just complaining all the time and so on. Impossible to have a normal conversation with a normal ending - or without putting this subject up again in the next fight... .accusing me how lazy I am... .huh... .so much accusation made me think that I might be really lousy at this field... .i start to doubt myself... .she definitely managed to put my self-esteem to the minimum... .

And so it is with all the other things... .if I open up myself and talk about my fears... .she understands but then later she brings them up again when we fight... and use them as a backfire... .but I keep on opening up to her on good days... .how stupid! However, I don't want to have a dishonest r/s where there is always place for her imperfections and mine are always overlooked or made fun off later on... .

Same thing here. I could never open my heart up to her and tell her my fears, feelings etc, because when she became upset, she used my fears to berate me and put me down. I stopped sharing my inner thoughts and feelings with her because she used them as weapons against me instead of supporting me.

Also same thing with rules. She made the rules, and she could break them whenever she felt like it - she ALWAYS had a reason, or someone else made her do it.

[greenmonkey]

hey Weischa and LonelyChild,

When she started to succeed in breaking me, and I signed myself off work - I work in the security industry looking after people - I was struggling to look after me and have a normal conversation. I told her the situation and she seemed to have great glee in the fact that I was heading towards the same way as her.

This said a lot to me that she was happy the more she was breaking me down. I had a few difficult weeks/months but found my inner strength with my daughters help.

In our final discussions she was smirking at what she had achieved and did as predicted bring my weakness up etc although her sense of entitlement was not diminished.

She used everything she could against me but I had spent months reading up on here, set a few traps/acid tests for her so I was absolutely clear in my mind. When it was time for her to go and never return my resolve was 100% - I went very strict no contact and I have no regrets about anything.

It was all about control and power and when I took both back she did not what or how to do next - I believe I a the first of her 'relationships' to take back control and power and look after me and my family.

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Yeah, I'm slowly reaching the decision this is not healthy for me anymore... .all this double rules, using my openness as a backfire and also constantly putting me down when she is angry... .this has no future and she is not improving, although she is just in the middle of the diagnosis process and might start therapy soon - but believe it or not, my patience has came to an end... .I just can't go on like this... .BTW I'm always optimistic, finding a solution rather complain all the time... .I'm always on a bright side BUT this has crossed every limit - I JUST CAN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I'M CONSTANTLY NOT LISTENED TO, NOT UNDERSTOOD AND NEED TO SET UP ALL THIS TRICKY METHODS AND PLANS... .just not to blow her off or trigger her. Maybe I got to this forum too late, maybe I've been addicted to marihuana for too long (I smoked for two decades and finally broke my addiction last September - since then I'm starting to see things clearly and no longer wish to participate in this humiliation game playing of hers... .). I'm 37 and want my life back - I've been such a happy person before... .very active but now I just spend most of my weekends home in destructive games with my gf and all our plans have been ruined, every vacation, every concert, every activity that we booked beforehand... .we lost so much money because of cancelling these events - yeah it was "easier" when I smoked pot - I just lit up a joint and all the problems vanished  BUT NOT REALLY! So for now I'm very happy that I don't have this desire to use these fake escapes from the reality anymore -  I know I need to leave this drama for good! I'm using pain to write this! Pain is my motivation. I know I might change my mind in the near future... .but with every next fight my decision is stronger and stronger... .How do you manage your doubts?

[greenmonkey]

Put yourself first - you are making great steps - I know from first hand things were not going to improve me - if someone genuinely loved you you would not be treated like that - only you can decide which way to go - and take the necessary steps to look after yourself.

I went through the doubts, which is why I let her stay for so long - I thought the beautiful woman I fell in love with would return. In the end the mask had dropped so far and the true self appeared - it made it easier.

I knew she was so seriously ill, that no matter what I did, it was not going to good enough and she was not going to get help. I vowed to myself a log time ago if I was miserable in a relationship I was going to get out - which was what I did.

You need a clear head to see what is truly happening and to make the decisions for your own welfare. the fact you are here is a great step, and you can converse about it - you just need to decide stay or go - easier said than done I know

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Exactly! I feel that I woke up somehow - before I always understood her problems first and put myself on a side... .yeah I could do anything, I was unbreakable... .but this was just my ego talking... .actually I was hiding my pain and pretending to be strong... .I was even hiding our problems from my friends and family. Now I think it's time for myself and I don't need this behaviour anymore - no matter the great illness or not (besides uBPD there were always some serious drama around her I was helping her out all the time, you know, typical strong emotions about everything that is happening in her life... .job, friends, family... .talking long hours ever day about her AND I was putting myself, my friends and my family aside, had many fights with my family coz I was supporting and protecting my gf... .she was raging a lot while visiting my hometown... .and left many times in a hurry... .

But a good question would be - can BPD really love a person? OR they just "love" in return for all the caring and loving they receive?

[greenmonkey]

I know there are a lot of posts about someone who is BPD if they can love anyone truly.

If anyone truly loved us within a relationship, why rage, treat us like dirt, silent treatment, recycling ex's ?

I was part of one sided relationship I did all the loving nurturing etc and had it thrown in my face, her demonstration of love was being unsupportive, lying and cheating with various other women - spoke too many volumes.

I hid all the problems but when my daughter was back from uni she experienced it first hand - that was one of my many wake up calls - until I got pushed too far and kicked her out.

Put yourself first look after you and make whatever decisions you need to

[workinprogress]

Exactly! I feel that I woke up somehow - before I always understood her problems first and put myself on a side... .yeah I could do anything, I was unbreakable... .but this was just my ego talking... .actually I was hiding my pain and pretending to be strong... .I was even hiding our problems from my friends and family. Now I think it's time for myself and I don't need this behaviour anymore - no matter the great illness or not (besides uBPD there were always some serious drama around her I was helping her out all the time, you know, typical strong emotions about everything that is happening in her life... .job, friends, family... .talking long hours ever day about her AND I was putting myself, my friends and my family aside, had many fights with my family coz I was supporting and protecting my gf... .she was raging a lot while visiting my hometown... .and left many times in a hurry... .

But a good question would be - can BPD really love a person? OR they just "love" in return for all the caring and loving they receive?

In my humble opinion, they look for people that they can use and control.  Anyone that they can exploit is useful to them.

[apollotech]

Yes, there were rules, not stated but implied. As sas mentioned, the rules came complete with a double standard. It was also implied that the double standard should just be automatically and willingly known and accepted, in fact, welcomed.

Their complaining of constant pain everywhere, spoken of in some of the post, is a fairly common complaint associated with BPD. (I wouldn't be surprised if this enteted the diagnostic spectrum for BPD at some point.) Many of them are diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. What I find interesting about this illness, Fibromyalgia, is that the medical community is split in regards to the fact that Fibromyalgia is even a "real" illness. In the case of a person with BPD, is this perhaps another example of emotions generating reality?

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

yes! the same happened with my addiction to marihujana - that is - when I managed to accept the fact that I am addicted and truly spoke about my addiction, I started to recover and eventually I stopped craving!

When it is said out loud it is slowly becoming a reality! and as I'm always oriented towards solutions I find them eventually! wow, so many things to think over... .thanx Greenmonkey      

So, maybe there are some parallels coz I can also say that my relation to my gf is from one perspective similar to an addiction (maybe it also surpasses my love at some point)... .all this care taking and nurturing that I give and all this magical loving I receive on good days... .all so turbulent and addictive when you feel lost... .

So, this year I also started to open up about my true r/s to my friends and also I found this forum - THANXX GUYS!