How to respond to "I don't know why I keep ruining this"

[Infern0]

I.e our relationship.

Bpdgf said this to me today, she was quite upset about it, trying to open up to me after push pull phase.

She said "I don't know how you cope, I don't know why I keep ruining this"

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[Infern0]

Anyone?

[MaroonLiquid]

You could validate it by saying, "I can't imagine how hard it is for you to feel like you are ruining everything.  I am still here."

[myself]

Is she seeing a T?

That would be a good question to ask there.

Would she (and you) be willing to go to couples therapy?

[spacemadness]

I would say something like, "You aren't ruining anything, I'm still here and I love you very much." I also liked MaroonLiquid's response.

My husband said something similar the other day. But he was just drunk and had a fleeting moment of clarity.

[Infern0]

Is she seeing a T?

That would be a good question to ask there.

Would she (and you) be willing to go to couples therapy?

No she hasn't been to dbt for over a year which obviously isn't ideal.  But she needs to decide she wants to go back.

[FannyB]

I guess it depends whether it's a marking time relationship or whether you have genuine aspirations to try and go the distance with this girl? If it's the latter, then I would re-iterate that you're still here, you love her and don't give up easily. Then I would shift focus on what you could do together to help her with this e.g. her committing to therapy and you committing to supporting her through it.

It's good that she's recognising she's got issues though mate - that provides a sliver of hope that many on these boards have been denied.

Good luck.


Fanny

[patientandclear]

I would say something like, "You aren't ruining anything, I'm still here and I love you very much." I also liked MaroonLiquid's response.

My husband said something similar the other day. But he was just drunk and had a fleeting moment of clarity.

But her actions are destructive.  It doesn't seem helpful for Infern0 to pretend it doesn't bother him when she withdraws.  She's correctly flagging that her behavior can be problematic and if he acts like he has no idea what she's talking about, that probably won't ring true; nor does it support her important insight that her behaviors do have a cost, for her as well as him.

[Infern0]

I guess it depends whether it's a marking time relationship or whether you have genuine aspirations to try and go the distance with this girl? If it's the latter, then I would re-iterate that you're still here, you love her and don't give up easily. Then I would shift focus on what you could do together to help her with this e.g. her committing to therapy and you committing to supporting her through it.

It's good that she's recognising she's got issues though mate - that provides a sliver of hope that many on these boards have been denied.

Good luck.


Fanny

It's a weird situation i find myself in as i'm no longer codependent on her.

I want it to work, I want to be with her long time, but i also these days accept that may not be realistic, she has SERIOUS difficulty processing our level of intimacy, and she withdraws after every close moment. I need to have a more serious discussion with her on our relationship because it cant go on like this forever.

At the same time i'm holding up pretty well, i don't feel the need to end things yet

[FannyB]

I guess it depends whether it's a marking time relationship or whether you have genuine aspirations to try and go the distance with this girl? If it's the latter, then I would re-iterate that you're still here, you love her and don't give up easily. Then I would shift focus on what you could do together to help her with this e.g. her committing to therapy and you committing to supporting her through it.

It's good that she's recognising she's got issues though mate - that provides a sliver of hope that many on these boards have been denied.

Good luck.


Fanny

It's a weird situation i find myself in as i'm no longer codependent on her.

I want it to work, I want to be with her long time, but i also these days accept that may not be realistic, she has SERIOUS difficulty processing our level of intimacy, and she withdraws after every close moment. I need to have a more serious discussion with her on our relationship because it cant go on like this forever.

At the same time i'm holding up pretty well, i don't feel the need to end things yet

Yeah - it's almost like we're doing 'push-pull' with ourselves. One of the hardest things I found to process was not wanting to be with someone who I loved as it was pointless and self-defeating to try and prolong the relationship. That was against my 'code'.   

I think as long as you enforce your boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour to you then that will dictate the duration of your relationship. You seem strong enough to do this but she's gonna have to show some serious intent to try and change things if you're going to last. Her realisation of her destructive behaviour and it's negative impact on you is a good stating point though.

Fanny

[Infern0]

I guess it depends whether it's a marking time relationship or whether you have genuine aspirations to try and go the distance with this girl? If it's the latter, then I would re-iterate that you're still here, you love her and don't give up easily. Then I would shift focus on what you could do together to help her with this e.g. her committing to therapy and you committing to supporting her through it.

It's good that she's recognising she's got issues though mate - that provides a sliver of hope that many on these boards have been denied.

Good luck.


Fanny

It's a weird situation i find myself in as i'm no longer codependent on her.

I want it to work, I want to be with her long time, but i also these days accept that may not be realistic, she has SERIOUS difficulty processing our level of intimacy, and she withdraws after every close moment. I need to have a more serious discussion with her on our relationship because it cant go on like this forever.

At the same time i'm holding up pretty well, i don't feel the need to end things yet

Yeah - it's almost like we're doing 'push-pull' with ourselves. One of the hardest things I found to process was not wanting to be with someone who I loved as it was pointless and self-defeating to try and prolong the relationship. That was against my 'code'.   

I think as long as you enforce your boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour to you then that will dictate the duration of your relationship. You seem strong enough to do this but she's gonna have to show some serious intent to try and change things if you're going to last. Her realisation of her destructive behaviour and it's negative impact on you is a good stating point though.

Fanny

I think for me it's getting to the stage of just accepting that she may not be able to do this, may not be able to face her demons. But still I'll give her every opportunity.  She deserves that much.

[an0ught]

Hi Infern0

She said "I don't know how you cope, I don't know why I keep ruining this"

No she hasn't been to dbt for over a year which obviously isn't ideal.  But she needs to decide she wants to go back.

It's a weird situation i find myself in as i'm no longer codependent on her.

In your situation my response would be: "Good question! There is a whole profession dedicated to figuring such things out and or helping people to change it. You know it and it has helped you somewhat in the past. Your choice to continue working on it. You sound like you are a bit motivated again. I certainly would appreciate it as I get a lot of fallout at times. But I'm not a T. That won't work. You need someone with an outside point of of view to guide you there."

But that is me telling you all in one go  . A probably more effective way would be a dialog with questions taking her along that path of

- validating pain

- encouraging willingness to change

- refusing to take that ownership yourself as a partner

- pointing to a T