NPD ex playing mind games with children

[lucylou]

Hi Everyone, I need your valuable experience again. I wrote last week about my ex NPD/BPD and sleeping arrangements at his new house. Since I stood up to him and let him know I was not happy about our 12 yr old daughter sleeping in the same room as her 14  year old stepbrother and half brother and the fact that our sons 15 and 16 have now be relegated to the sofas in his new house he has started to play mind games. Just to add our oldest son who is 20 and has Aspergers will now not be able to go over at all due to lack of space. Normally my ex  comes over in the week to visit them for an hour. He used to have to come over on set days as per our custody agreement (usually a tuesday unless he texted to change the day)for many years, but as the children got older he started to make his own arrangements with them as to when he would visit. He works shifts so to be reasonable I turned a blind eye to his turning up when he felt like it. This was a mistake which I am now regretting.I should have challanged it the first time he did it but I guess I avoided the aggrevation of having a big falling out over it and also  it saved me having to see him in person at the front door. Ignoring it has allowed him to violate the boundaries of our custody agreement and he of course enjoys doing that and being in control.

Anyway since last weekend when I told him that he was not having the children he has not been to see his children mid week as he normally does. He is also ignoring his oldest sons emails and texts. Our oldest son needs to know if he is going on holiday with his father, as myself and my Husband are going away next thursday and we  need to make alternative arrangements if he isnt going to be with him.

He has also not been in touch with his other children to let them know when he will be over this week. I do not like this kind of behaviour. I feel his children and myself need to know his arrangements so we all know where we stand. The kids are kept dangling wondering if he is coming over or not. I wonder if he is doing this to be in control. My oldest son is getting anxious and upset because he isnt getting any concrete responses from his father about the holiday arrangements.

I have a feeling that he is being awkward and taking it out of them because of last weeks altercation and also he has just been reviewed by the Child support agency and will be paying more. I had informed the CSA that due to his extravagant lifestyle he must be withholding the correct pay information and that I understood from our children he had been promoted over 3 years ago. I think when the CSA officer called him up about the figures he might have realised somthing was "a foot" and decided to submit the correct ones. The reason I believe this is because the figure he will now be paying is a lot higher even though he has one less child on the claim. Unbelievably here in the UK they rely on the honesty of the fathers to tell them how much they earn unless an ex spouse/partner calls it into question. It is only then that they contact the employer for the pay check info. I only wish i had know that before now :'(  I guess i have to be grateful as I know many parents do not get anything at all from their exs.

So what I wanted to ask is, why does he keep witholding information from his children and myself about holiday arrangements, times and dates? Is it control and because that gets the children/myself focusing on him ? how can I prevent him from hurting the children like this and what strategies work well in dealing with this kind of behaviour. I am  guessing it is passive aggressive behaviour ? keeping people dangling/waiting and not letting them know when you will show up? He especially likes to do it on birthdays which as you can imagine is hurtful. Lateness is also something he does frequently. For instance if he tells the children i will be over in the morning he may well turn up in the afternoon. Or if he says a time like 10am he will usually turn up at 12. It is all very frustrating    The next time he does it I am seriously thinking about going out so he will have a wasted journey. I dont know if that is a good tactic or not?       

I am thinking to go see a lawyer when we return from our holiday and set some boundaries that way.  I need guidance in knowing how this type of behaviour effects/ damages children and is it important to do something to prevent it. I cant seem to think clearly today and need some clarity  Some days I dont have the strength to fight you know   Thank you in advance.

[lucylou]

Just to add why wouldnt he come over to see his children mid week? especially as he missed out on seeing them last weekend and wont now see them until next friday? Any ideas would be helpful to try to understand his psychology. Thanks

[livednlearned]

Hi lucylou,

It does sound like he is doing a tit-for-tat. People with BPD lack skills to resolve conflict in constructive ways. It almost sounds like a narcissistic injury ("she thinks my place is too small" "she thinks I am not a good dad" "she is trying to tell me how to raise my kids"

His only recourse is to keep you guessing, keep you hanging -- to focus on him, like you said. "You made me mad and now I'll show you."

It's tough to talk to narcissistic people. And feeding narcissistic supply, even if it makes our stomach churn, may not be effective in the end.

Your ex needs to feel praised in order to move on from this.

If that's tough to do, the alternative is to set firm boundaries, and talk it through with oldest son, if he is ok with this. "Oldest son has not heard from you, so we assume holiday is off. Unless I hear by day/date, we will consider holiday canceled."

Same with the other kids. ":)ad's feelings are hurt, and he might need some time to move on. I'm going to write him a note to tell him know that when he is ready to visit, to write and give you a heads up so you can plan your day. When he feels better, he will reach out."

Or something like that?

[lucylou]

Thank you so much once again Livednlearned  . I think you are right about the narcissistic injury and the reasons he feels like that. He did finally respond to his sons texts and emails this morning saying that he cannot come on holiday with them this year as his wife has just had an operation and cannot drive. I m not sure if I believe this, the truth is he just got rid of his 8 seater car and swapped it for a 7 seater which I feel shows again that he is making choices that would make it difficult for all his children to come on holiday. He did say he can come over to their house for the other week if he wanted, even though I dont know where he will be able to sleep.

We have had a long standing arrangement over holidays. He has them for 2 weeks during the summer break every year and has been doing that since they were little. So basically  he has  broken our long standing legal arrangement over holidays.He knows he  is supposed to be in charge of their care during this period so maybe he has done it to be difficult as he knows we will be going away ourselves. It has put us in a difficult position as myself,  my husband and our 2 year old daughter are going to be away on holiday in another country and my son has not got a passport. I will have to ask my Dad to look after his grandson now for 2 weeks because I dont think he is safe to be left alone for a long period of time due to his Aspergers syndrom and ADHD. I am sure my Dad will be ok with that but it isnt really the point. Some how my Ex always seem to win  or I end up feeling like the villain when it is him that created the problem in the first place. Grrrrrrr

.

He needs to feel praised in order to move on from this.

If that's tough to do, the alternative is to set firm boundaries, and talk it through with oldest son, if he is ok with this. "Oldest son has not heard from you, so we assume holiday is off. Unless I hear by day/date, we will consider holiday canceled."

   

I dont think I could praise him, that is a bridge to far right now  but boundaries yes definitely. I think they work well and I will take time to set out a new agreement with him so this does not happen again. Thank you for your help once again

[momtara]

My BPDx hates when I try to pin him down on plans. He doesn't seem to understand or care that when he waits until the last minute, he leaves us all guessing, and it's hard to rearrange the plans of kids. Can't offer much advice but I feel your pain. And yes, does sound like he's getting back at you - fairly heartbreaking since you have an autistic son and all the kids get hurt in the process.