Is it healthy to fight the demons head on? ~

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am having an extremely difficult time making progress with one of my longtime goals of learning spanish because of residue from my r/s with the BPDexgf.

My ex was Mexican and was not helpful and even though I have some aptitude for foriegn language her drama and the constant turmoil of the r/s prevented me from studying and practicing regularly.

Since my brekup I have been determined to learn the language and have made little progress. One obvious issue is that practicing spanish reminds me of her and some of the terrible, hurtful things that were said to be over the course of 4 years in spanish or english  It is like I have sustained a kind of mental injury. I feel miserable when I study... .almost like torturing myself.

Be that as it may if I quit or postpone my attempts to study the language I think I would feel even worse like she has defeated me.

I feel crushed in so many areas of my life and have not recovered as well as I would have liked by now (been about 6 months).  I don't want to give up the fight.  The mental and emotional pain is severe but my thoughts are that I need to fight through it and be the victor.

Does any of this make sense or sound familiar?

[nowwhatz]

I am having an extremely difficult time making progress with one of my longtime goals of learning spanish because of residue from my r/s with the BPDexgf.

My ex was Mexican and was not helpful and even though I have some aptitude for foriegn language her drama and the constant turmoil of the r/s prevented me from studying and practicing regularly.

Since my brekup I have been determined to learn the language and have made little progress. One obvious issue is that practicing spanish reminds me of her and some of the terrible, hurtful things that were said to be over the course of 4 years in spanish or english  It is like I have sustained a kind of mental injury. I feel miserable when I study... .almost like torturing myself.

Be that as it may if I quit or postpone my attempts to study the language I think I would feel even worse like she has defeated me.

I feel crushed in so many areas of my life and have not recovered as well as I would have liked by now (been about 6 months).  I don't want to give up the fight.  The mental and emotional pain is severe but my thoughts are that I need to fight through it and be the victor.

Does any of this make sense or sound familiar?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm an engineer and I'm great with numbers, but other languages?  Forget it, I'm hopeless, and that's OK, but people who speak two or more languages have always impressed me.  I have spent a lot of time in Mexico though, and una cerveza mas por favor works pretty well, that and gracias.

Anyway, you might want to get really pissed off and decide that she doesn't get to screw up an entire language for you, and use that as motivation.  Immersion is the best apparently and there are a lot of Spanish speakers in various parts of the US, my brother became fluent by working in kitchens, lots of Spanish speakers there, or there's always Mexico, the point being to put yourself in situations where you don't have a choice, you have to learn it.  And then, once you learn it, folks will say nice things to you that you'll understand, and whatever your ex said to you will just fade away.

[nowwhatz]

I'm an engineer and I'm great with numbers, but other languages?  Forget it, I'm hopeless, and that's OK, but people who speak two or more languages have always impressed me.  I have spent a lot of time in Mexico though, and una cerveza mas por favor works pretty well, that and gracias.

Anyway, you might want to get really pissed off and decide that she doesn't get to screw up an entire language for you, and use that as motivation.  Immersion is the best apparently and there are a lot of Spanish speakers in various parts of the US, my brother became fluent by working in kitchens, lots of Spanish speakers there, or there's always Mexico, the point being to put yourself in situations where you don't have a choice, you have to learn it.  And then, once you learn it, folks will say nice things to you that you'll understand, and whatever your ex said to you will just fade away.

. That is the most important spanish phrase.

Anger is not the best motivator for me.  Staying pissed off for me saps my energy for other things but you have the right idea.

Where I live there is no shortage of spanish speaking people and when I am totally ready to date again I will be going out with latinas. my type I suppose.  That would be more of a motivator.

Yes you are right... .once I am able to get back to conversing and learning more people will say nice things.  I hope what she said fades away.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm an engineer and I'm great with numbers, but other languages?  Forget it, I'm hopeless, and that's OK, but people who speak two or more languages have always impressed me.  I have spent a lot of time in Mexico though, and una cerveza mas por favor works pretty well, that and gracias.

Anyway, you might want to get really pissed off and decide that she doesn't get to screw up an entire language for you, and use that as motivation.  Immersion is the best apparently and there are a lot of Spanish speakers in various parts of the US, my brother became fluent by working in kitchens, lots of Spanish speakers there, or there's always Mexico, the point being to put yourself in situations where you don't have a choice, you have to learn it.  And then, once you learn it, folks will say nice things to you that you'll understand, and whatever your ex said to you will just fade away.

. That is the most important spanish phrase.

Anger is not the best motivator for me.  Staying pissed off for me saps my energy for other things but you have the right idea.

Where I live there is no shortage of spanish speaking people and when I am totally ready to date again I will be going out with latinas. my type I suppose.  That would be more of a motivator.

Yes you are right... .once I am able to get back to conversing and learning more people will say nice things.  I hope what she said fades away.

Good for you whatz!

Anger is not the best motivator for me.  Staying pissed off for me saps my energy for other things but you have the right idea.

Yes, chronic anger saps our energy, but you don't need to stay angry, just use it to get yourself off your butt, and then when you notice progress momentum will build and you can let the anger go.  The only wasted pain is the pain we don't use.

[Skip]

You're having a conditioned response.

The best way to deal with it is to recondition it.

[nowwhatz]

You're having a conditioned response.

The best way to deal with it is to recondition it.

Thank you Skip!

How do I recondition it?

[fromheeltoheal]

You're having a conditioned response.

The best way to deal with it is to recondition it.

Thank you Skip!

How do I recondition it?

By doing what we've been talking about: dive in full speed, insist on enjoying it, learn, and then start to have pleasant conversations with people in Spanish.  You will then associate pleasure to speaking it instead of pain; it just takes repetition.