Have I made the problem worse?

[Glenna]

Firstly, I need to say that I know I am not a therapist and that amateur diagnosis is not nec a good thing. But the word amateur comes from the word for love, and that is why I did it.

I have been doing a lot of reading on this site and wish I had found it a few years ago. What I did instead was research various disorders on the internet and decide that my 36 year old daughter had BPD. She certainly fits the description. Problem was/is that in some important way, she is very different than I am and I guess I can't get that through my head. I expect her to be rational and sensible and to appreciate the value of the truth. Ha. About a year ago I told her I thought she was Borderline. I added that it is not really a bad diagnosis because one can get better through therapy rather than drugs. I went on to tell her, emphasizing that it was just my theory and I might certainly be wrong, that I had figured out that it was not a physiological disease but as I saw it, was some form of untreated trauma. I even figured out when and how it happened and told her that, thinking that all would become clear and peace would follow. She is a very intelligent talented woman and I am saddened that she is spending so much time in a crazy state rather than enjoying life and enjoying her own talents. She could draw faces before she was a year old.

Anyway, as you can imagine, it did not go as smoothly as I expected.

As for now trying new ways of relating, I don't know if I have any patience left. I have tried various techniques over the years and always failed because she quickly spotted it and mocked, so that I dropped the trying and just spoke plainly, as I do now, and tell her that what she is doing is wrong. This does no good, although I know that deep down she agrees. If she hears me trying something new again she will mock and it will be over. Also, I am resentful. It's only when she's been away for at least a month that I go into denial and look forward to seeing her and the kids again - although I realize the length of time is getting longer.

I am 68 years old and would like to have the remaining years of my life be peaceful and happy.  But it is the thought of her and the two cute guys she brought into the world not having good lives that gives me the worst sadness and depression that I have ever had in my life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Glenna,

I can see why you would be frustrated, when we believe we have found the root of the problem we believe it can now be fixed... .if only... .if only she would do this, see this, understand this, correct this... .and then it doesn't happen.

I'm wondering if your use of the word "technique" is more telling than you realize here.  Authenticity and the motivations behind our actions need to be as pure as possible because our BPD children/adult children are very intuitive and hypervigilant when it comes to being perceived as the one with the problem.

Even when our efforts are motivated by love and the desire to improve our relationships our kids can sometimes reject our efforts.  It doesn't mean that our efforts are wrong, it just means they are having difficulty accepting our love and desire to have a better relationship.  We can stay the course and keep providing loving support whilst adding in new ways to communicate and help them feel our care and concern.

I saw in your other thread the skill of validation mentioned and the book "I Don't Have to make Everything All Better" recommended.  I will second that recommendation and also point you to the Tools section where S.E.T is introduced.  SET is an acronym for Support, Empathy, Truth.  The success of SET and effective delivery of SET statements are interdependent. Our kids will be more open to the truth part of SET if we are empathetic and supportive. 

We are happy to work with you as you learn and practice these skills of validation and SET.  Has there been a conversation or interaction that went poorly in the recent past that you would like to use as practice by rewording them with validation and/or SET? This is a great way to learn the skills and begin to get comfortable using them.

lbj