How do pwBPDs react to silent treatment?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everybody,

I wasn't sure where to post this but as it is still specific to my situation with the BPD in my life I chose here... .



My uBPDxbf's preferred method of punishing/controlling me and as a way of protecting himself was silent treatment. He quickly learnt ST is what causes me the most pain and so it would become more frequent than his rages (as I dealt better with those) whenever he would dysregulate. And he conditioned me to do almost anything to avoid being subjected to ST.

But how do pwBPDs, who use silent treatment frequently, react to ST when they are on the receiving end to what they will construe as ST or that feels similar to ST?

I know NC is different as it is a form of self-protection/preservation but it may feel the same for the person targeted, especially considering the pwBPD uses ST not only as a form of control/punishment but also to protect themselves. I have never used ST but when I chose NC after a 3-month on off push/dysregulation phase, that lead to us breaking up, I now feel sure that he perceived it as 'abusive' towards him. (And I am using the term NC to mean that I didn't contact him but nor did he attempt to contact me. Had he I would have responded.)

When I did contact him after 4 months he first deliberately tried to hurt me and then embarked on one year-long ST phase. After a year sought me out by coming to events that I co-hosted but still refusing to acknowledge my existence. When we finally did talk he couldn't explain his ST except that he was angry that I both contacted him and not contacted him.

Anyway, we have recently had a fall-out/breakup. I have not contacted him but he is now again re-appearing where I go. I have been ignoring him - something very unusual for me - because I don't know how to be around him, I hardly even know what I want. I also feel angry with him. Though he hasn't approached to talk me I feel sure he is thinking I am rejecting him and/or ST-ing him. I am trying to prepare myself for what to expect next as this situation is unlikely to change. I cannot remove myself from it nor can I hinder him from going to where I am.

So what are your experiences?

[mitti]

Hi everybody,

I wasn't sure where to post this but as it is still specific to my situation with the BPD in my life I chose here... .



My uBPDxbf's preferred method of punishing/controlling me and as a way of protecting himself was silent treatment. He quickly learnt ST is what causes me the most pain and so it would become more frequent than his rages (as I dealt better with those) whenever he would dysregulate. And he conditioned me to do almost anything to avoid being subjected to ST.

But how do pwBPDs, who use silent treatment frequently, react to ST when they are on the receiving end to what they will construe as ST or that feels similar to ST?

I know NC is different as it is a form of self-protection/preservation but it may feel the same for the person targeted, especially considering the pwBPD uses ST not only as a form of control/punishment but also to protect themselves. I have never used ST but when I chose NC after a 3-month on off push/dysregulation phase, that lead to us breaking up, I now feel sure that he perceived it as 'abusive' towards him. (And I am using the term NC to mean that I didn't contact him but nor did he attempt to contact me. Had he I would have responded.)

When I did contact him after 4 months he first deliberately tried to hurt me and then embarked on one year-long ST phase. After a year sought me out by coming to events that I co-hosted but still refusing to acknowledge my existence. When we finally did talk he couldn't explain his ST except that he was angry that I both contacted him and not contacted him.

Anyway, we have recently had a fall-out/breakup. I have not contacted him but he is now again re-appearing where I go. I have been ignoring him - something very unusual for me - because I don't know how to be around him, I hardly even know what I want. I also feel angry with him. Though he hasn't approached to talk me I feel sure he is thinking I am rejecting him and/or ST-ing him. I am trying to prepare myself for what to expect next as this situation is unlikely to change. I cannot remove myself from it nor can I hinder him from going to where I am.

So what are your experiences?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi everybody,

I wasn't sure where to post this but as it is still specific to my situation with the BPD in my life I chose here... .



My uBPDxbf's preferred method of punishing/controlling me and as a way of protecting himself was silent treatment. He quickly learnt ST is what causes me the most pain and so it would become more frequent than his rages (as I dealt better with those) whenever he would dysregulate. And he conditioned me to do almost anything to avoid being subjected to ST.

But how do pwBPDs, who use silent treatment frequently, react to ST when they are on the receiving end to what they will construe as ST or that feels similar to ST?

I know NC is different as it is a form of self-protection/preservation but it may feel the same for the person targeted, especially considering the pwBPD uses ST not only as a form of control/punishment but also to protect themselves. I have never used ST but when I chose NC after a 3-month on off push/dysregulation phase, that lead to us breaking up, I now feel sure that he perceived it as 'abusive' towards him. (And I am using the term NC to mean that I didn't contact him but nor did he attempt to contact me. Had he I would have responded.)

When I did contact him after 4 months he first deliberately tried to hurt me and then embarked on one year-long ST phase. After a year sought me out by coming to events that I co-hosted but still refusing to acknowledge my existence. When we finally did talk he couldn't explain his ST except that he was angry that I both contacted him and not contacted him.

Anyway, we have recently had a fall-out/breakup. I have not contacted him but he is now again re-appearing where I go. I have been ignoring him - something very unusual for me - because I don't know how to be around him, I hardly even know what I want. I also feel angry with him. Though he hasn't approached to talk me I feel sure he is thinking I am rejecting him and/or ST-ing him. I am trying to prepare myself for what to expect next as this situation is unlikely to change. I cannot remove myself from it nor can I hinder him from going to where I am.

So what are your experiences?

I am in the midst of a 7 month ST from my uBPDexgf. We were a lesbian couple together 9.5 years. Out of nowhere last year she writes and tells me she is dating men and does not intend to be in "that kind" of relationship ever again. We didn't fight, were generally happy and loving toward one another, working toward our goals as her kids got older, etc. And out of the blue on my birthday, she sends a typed note inside her bday card to me and tells me she's leaving. Mind you, she never told me why or what even set all of this off.

I was infuriated (understand I am leaving a lot out here), and let her know. Her birthday came 2.5 weeks after mine and I ignored her on it. We have had virtually no contact since then except for a small email exchange in Nov. in her email she told me how angry she was by what I said to her when I got her breakup note. Mind you she never acknowledged her actions as being the fuse for everything.

Since then I have received hang up calls periodically, which I know for a fact are her. We don't live in the same town, but ii don't contact her either. Just based on the other things she said in the email in Nov, she is pissed off that I ignored her birthday in August, and I suspect that she is pissed off that I haven't contacted her since Nov. now. She has narcissistic traits and being ignored bothers the crap out of her.

I've spoken to a friend about this, and I think it's like I've reverse broken up with her now. I know she isn't in NC with me. It's the ST, but she is getting it back from me. Of course I can't know for sure her reaction, and I know if I asked she would say she was just living her life. But knowing how she was with other people in her life who blew her off, she's hurting and doesn't like it one bit.

Just recently someone mentioned googling BPD and rejection. I've been reading through those articles and it's been helpful. Bottom line. They hate being ignored, especially if they have NPD traits.

[going places]

My experience is this:

Out of sight? Out of mind.

Our youngest daughter is very hurt and angry, and will not speak to her dad.

His effort to speak to her?

An email once a month.

A text on her b-day and easter.

HE will NOT pick up the phone and talk to her.

HE will not pick up the phone and call ANY of his kids (3).

It's text or email, 'out of duty'.

He doesn't care. He's out living some mid-life crisis lifestyle... .

Silent treatment plays in HIS favor because then he can say "oh, they won't talk to me, it's their mom's fault" and he can continue his lifestyle, guilt free.

[Loosestrife]

My experience is out of sight out of mind, but everyone is different

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi mitti, a similar post was on the leaving board and is currently locked for new replies. However, i think it may give you some good information. The original poster question is advisable to read, but soon the responses devolve into telling the poster to move on, etc. However, beginning on page 4 Patientandclear provides two very good responses that may be of benefit to your question. The response were both timely and beneficial. Enjoy.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275295.30

Shadow

[cosmonaut]

The only time I ever used the silent treatment on my ex she first freaked out with panic and then became extremely angry with me... .which resulted in more silent treatment for me.

One weekend I had just had my limit of the silent treatments from her, and in frustration felt I'd give her a taste of her own medicine.  It really backfired and I don't think it helped anything at all.  At the time I knew nothing about BPD, and knowing what I do know I'd have never have done it.  I'm sure the panic she felt was very real, and I feel badly about it.

When I didn't answer the texts she sent me (highly unusually of me), she sent a barrage of texts and then calls in increasing panic wanting to know what was going on, why I wasn't responding, if I was ok, etc.  I finally called her back once I realized she was in serious panic, and she started crying on the phone saying that she was so scared I was dead on the side of the road or something.  She said that even though she'd been puking her guts up all day (she has a serious medical condition), she was about to get in the car and come over, because she was so scared.  I felt like an absolute jerk, and I apologized.  Then she started to get really angry at me that I had intentionally ignored her.  She eventually hung on up me.  I got several more days of silent treatment as a result.

I would really not advise using the silent treatment with a pwBPD.  You will trigger them, and it's very mean to play on their very real abandonment fears.  There are more constructive ways to try and work through the silent treatments.

[Turkish]

ST, or a form of it, is an unhealthy trait I "inherited" from my BPD mom. It's fleeing emotionally.

I detached from my Ex because I was fed up with her dysregulation and I wasn't making it better. By detaching, I made it worse so that in the end, after I caught her cheating, she said, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!"

Needless to say, staying, going, co-parenting with an ex, ST doesn't result in anything good with a pwBPD who has an intense fear of abandonment.

[going places]

www.buzzle.com/articles/is-the-silent-treatment-a-form-of-abuse.html

www.thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissists-silent-treatment/

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

The above 3 sites explain how the silent treatment is abuse.

No excuses. Just abuse.

[Skip]

As I read through this thread it seems (to me) that we have several different coping mechanisms being viewed, more or less, as one.  It also seems like we may be looking at things in too absolute of terms.

Here is an essay here:

https://bpdfamily.org/2008/07/silent-treatment-when-your-partner-acts.html

Silent treatment is not always intentional abuse.  It can be coping (escaping).  It can be manipulation. However, it is most often hurtful to the receiver.

No contact is not always intentional abuse.  It can be coping (aviodance).  It can be manipulation. It is also hurtful to the receiver.

We don't recommend either of these things as first choice for dealing with other people.  They tend to trigger abandonment anxieties, rejection anxieties, feeling of disrespect and worthiness, and shame.

We recommend (if you are on the receiving side) is to depersonalize it as much as possible as it may be about coping (not aimed at you) or it may be a cheap shot (and you shouldn't take as more than that.

So... .

I know NC is different as it is a form of self-protection/preservation but it may feel the same for the person targeted, especially considering the pwBPD uses ST not only as a form of control/punishment but also to protect themselves. I have never used ST but when I chose NC after a 3-month on off push/dysregulation phase, that lead to us breaking up, I now feel sure that he perceived it as 'abusive' towards him.

To unravel this a bit... .

No Contact - If the relationship has ended (my partner says done) and I stop initiating contact, this is normal.  I'm not even sure why members call this no contact. If I contact in this case, its really boundary busting.  We need to respect "I want out". 

It only becomes NC when I don't respond to the other persons attempts to connect me.  If I do it to manipulate, punish or control, this is abusive.  If I do it to detach and I'm committed to detaching and moving on, and I can't accomplish this with LC, it still might feel abusive to the receiver, but I can justify it for the greater good (me)  .

Silent Treatment - If I need space and take it, it's reasonable.  If you reach out and I respond and tell you I need space - probably still ok.  This becomes bad when I block you, shut you down. It becomes abusive if I do it to manipulate, punish or control you. 

[mitti]

First of all,   apologies to everybody who has contributed to this thread, and the forum, for my not responding to your posts. Somehow I never got emails about responses or accidentally missed them and then forgot to check back. So sorry, and much has happened since then but I will give an update in another thread as that was suggested when I opened to post here.

I am in the midst of a 7 month ST from my uBPDexgf. We were a lesbian couple together 9.5 years. Out of nowhere last year she writes and tells me she is dating men and does not intend to be in "that kind" of relationship ever again. We didn't fight, were generally happy and loving toward one another, working toward our goals as her kids got older, etc. And out of the blue on my birthday, she sends a typed note inside her bday card to me and tells me she's leaving. Mind you, she never told me why or what even set all of this off.

I was infuriated (understand I am leaving a lot out here), and let her know. Her birthday came 2.5 weeks after mine and I ignored her on it. We have had virtually no contact since then except for a small email exchange in Nov. in her email she told me how angry she was by what I said to her when I got her breakup note. Mind you she never acknowledged her actions as being the fuse for everything.

Since then I have received hang up calls periodically, which I know for a fact are her. We don't live in the same town, but ii don't contact her either. Just based on the other things she said in the email in Nov, she is pissed off that I ignored her birthday in August, and I suspect that she is pissed off that I haven't contacted her since Nov. now. She has narcissistic traits and being ignored bothers the crap out of her.

I've spoken to a friend about this, and I think it's like I've reverse broken up with her now. I know she isn't in NC with me. It's the ST, but she is getting it back from me. Of course I can't know for sure her reaction, and I know if I asked she would say she was just living her life. But knowing how she was with other people in her life who blew her off, she's hurting and doesn't like it one bit.

Just recently someone mentioned googling BPD and rejection. I've been reading through those articles and it's been helpful. Bottom line. They hate being ignored, especially if they have NPD traits.

Hi ShadowIntheNight, and thanks for sharing.

Yes, it is strange how they can break up with you, completely ignore you, get angry if you try to contact them but if you don't they get equally angry and then consider you responsible for the breakup. There is no sense in that of course. My x hates being ignored also but if I don't he may just as easily accuse me of being a stalker if I call him or text him even once, though that is what he wants, just to be vindictive.

[mitti]

My experience is this:

Out of sight? Out of mind.

Our youngest daughter is very hurt and angry, and will not speak to her dad.

His effort to speak to her?

An email once a month.

A text on her b-day and easter.

HE will NOT pick up the phone and talk to her.

HE will not pick up the phone and call ANY of his kids (3).

It's text or email, 'out of duty'.

He doesn't care. He's out living some mid-life crisis lifestyle... .

Silent treatment plays in HIS favor because then he can say "oh, they won't talk to me, it's their mom's fault" and he can continue his lifestyle, guilt free.

Hi going places,

Oh, that is awful. It's just especially bad when children are at the receiving end of this crazy behaviour. It's just cruel. I hope she understands that it is not about her but all him.

[mitti]

My experience is out of sight out of mind, but everyone is different

Hi Loosestrife, this might be with a lot of people. I used to think so with my x also until I realised with each time we got back in touch that he was, and had been, furious that I hadn't tried to contact him but if I had done, or do, he often uses it as a chance to be cruelly vindictive and punish me. There is no winning. And for him it is shooting himself in the foot, something he can see afterwards when he no longer can explain this behaviour. It is just so odd.

[mitti]

Hi mitti, a similar post was on the leaving board and is currently locked for new replies. However, i think it may give you some good information. The original poster question is advisable to read, but soon the responses devolve into telling the poster to move on, etc. However, beginning on page 4 Patientandclear provides two very good responses that may be of benefit to your question. The response were both timely and beneficial. Enjoy.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275295.30

Shadow

Thank you so much for this link, what a shame I missed it before but I will check it out now.

[mitti]

The only time I ever used the silent treatment on my ex she first freaked out with panic and then became extremely angry with me... .which resulted in more silent treatment for me.

One weekend I had just had my limit of the silent treatments from her, and in frustration felt I'd give her a taste of her own medicine.  It really backfired and I don't think it helped anything at all.  At the time I knew nothing about BPD, and knowing what I do know I'd have never have done it.  I'm sure the panic she felt was very real, and I feel badly about it.

When I didn't answer the texts she sent me (highly unusually of me), she sent a barrage of texts and then calls in increasing panic wanting to know what was going on, why I wasn't responding, if I was ok, etc.  I finally called her back once I realized she was in serious panic, and she started crying on the phone saying that she was so scared I was dead on the side of the road or something.  She said that even though she'd been puking her guts up all day (she has a serious medical condition), she was about to get in the car and come over, because she was so scared.  I felt like an absolute jerk, and I apologized.  Then she started to get really angry at me that I had intentionally ignored her.  She eventually hung on up me.  I got several more days of silent treatment as a result.

I would really not advise using the silent treatment with a pwBPD.  You will trigger them, and it's very mean to play on their very real abandonment fears.  There are more constructive ways to try and work through the silent treatments.

Hi cosmonaut, thanks for sharing. Yes, there is not much room for us to "play the games" on them they play with us.

Yes I agree with you that ST is neither productive nor healthy, for anybody. But what we do as a type of enforcing boundaries can very often be construed as ST from them on the receiving end. I have never really refused contact with my ex, like ever in the 7 years I have known him but he reacts to what he wants me to do though he is telling me he wants the opposite from me.

If you do check back on this thread, could you elaborate on what could be more constructive ways to work through these phases? We have some contact with each other and it has been back and forth for a while but he is still moving in and out of ST and getting angry for my contacting him as well as my not contacting him. Thanks

[mitti]

ST, or a form of it, is an unhealthy trait I "inherited" from my BPD mom. It's fleeing emotionally.

I detached from my Ex because I was fed up with her dysregulation and I wasn't making it better. By detaching, I made it worse so that in the end, after I caught her cheating, she said, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!"

Needless to say, staying, going, co-parenting with an ex, ST doesn't result in anything good with a pwBPD who has an intense fear of abandonment.

Hi Turkish and thank you for your response,

Yes, wow there seems to be so little you can do. It's frustrating beyond belief sometimes. I can say that I have similar experiences with my ex where he told me to F off and when I didn't contact him he got so angry he spent a whole year ST-ing me and finding all sorts of ways to hurt me. When we talked about it he said something similar, that I had abandoned him.

I am currently, and have been many times with my ex, in a phase where he wants two contradictory things at the same time - he wants contact and he does not want contact. Although, in actual fact, I think it is more wanting contact but not allowing himself contact because his anger with me overrides his wish for contact somehow, so he directs his energy to punishing me and hurting me instead, and so when he perceives that I want contact, he says he doesn't, to hurt me. I am starting another thread on that though.

[mitti]

www.buzzle.com/articles/is-the-silent-treatment-a-form-of-abuse.html

www.thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissists-silent-treatment/

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

The above 3 sites explain how the silent treatment is abuse.

No excuses. Just abuse.

Thank you for the links

[mitti]

As I read through this thread it seems (to me) that we have several different coping mechanisms being viewed, more or less, as one.  It also seems like we may be looking at things in too absolute of terms.

Here is an essay here:

https://bpdfamily.org/2008/07/silent-treatment-when-your-partner-acts.html

Silent treatment is not always intentional abuse.  It can be coping (escaping).  It can be manipulation. However, it is most often hurtful to the receiver.

No contact is not always intentional abuse.  It can be coping (aviodance).  It can be manipulation. It is also hurtful to the receiver.

We don't recommend either of these things as first choice for dealing with other people.  They tend to trigger abandonment anxieties, rejection anxieties, feeling of disrespect and worthiness, and shame.

We recommend (if you are on the receiving side) is to depersonalize it as much as possible as it may be about coping (not aimed at you) or it may be a cheap shot (and you shouldn't take as more than that.

So... .

I know NC is different as it is a form of self-protection/preservation but it may feel the same for the person targeted, especially considering the pwBPD uses ST not only as a form of control/punishment but also to protect themselves. I have never used ST but when I chose NC after a 3-month on off push/dysregulation phase, that lead to us breaking up, I now feel sure that he perceived it as 'abusive' towards him.

To unravel this a bit... .

No Contact - If the relationship has ended (my partner says done) and I stop initiating contact, this is normal.  I'm not even sure why members call this no contact. If I contact in this case, its really boundary busting.  We need to respect "I want out". 

It only becomes NC when I don't respond to the other persons attempts to connect me.  If I do it to manipulate, punish or control, this is abusive.  If I do it to detach and I'm committed to detaching and moving on, and I can't accomplish this with LC, it still might feel abusive to the receiver, but I can justify it for the greater good (me)  .

Silent Treatment - If I need space and take it, it's reasonable.  If you reach out and I respond and tell you I need space - probably still ok.  This becomes bad when I block you, shut you down. It becomes abusive if I do it to manipulate, punish or control you. 

Hi Skip and thank you for the info,

It has been so tricky with my ex all throughout the years we have known each other because he experiences my following his wishes - his decision to break up for instance - as abusive and has often got angry that I then stayed away and didn't contact him. One time, I tried to simply just accept what he said. He had gone through a phase of back and forth between distance, ST and need for me but little affection for a couple of months. I asked for a time to talk or what was the point, he sent me an email telling me (as he has done many times before and not meant it) that we were to never speak again. I replied simply "ok" and then stayed away, which I had never really done before. He experienced this as abandonment. Other times when I have not stayed away but tried little contact every now and again, he has in anger accused me of stalking him.