He says he's done, now what?

[Charger]

Hi all,

Quick intro, I've been married to my uBPDh for 11 years.  The last 8 years have been a steady decline, exacerbated by the fact that he also has severe depression and anxiety.  I have been our sole source of income, he has been on disability for the past 3 years.  We have older children (adults) from previous marriages and a 7 year old together.  Recently it became time to move (lease was up) and he gave ultimatum #29 (I'm being a bit dramatic, but he has definitely threatened divorce several times a year for the past 8 years or so) that if we didn't move where he wanted to, it was over.  Despite attempts to negotiate, discuss, compromise, we were unsuccessful.  I bought a home in one town and invited him to come, he got a room in another town and told me he was filing for divorce. 

I'm sad it has come to this, yet our home is so peaceful now.  However I'm so terrified of his having visitation alone with our 7 year old that I have started to try to convince him to come join us simply so that doesn't happen.  I know that's completely dysfunctional, but she isn't safe with him and if I play that card with his BPD all hell will break loose.  I feel so very stuck... .

[Turkish]

Charger,

What specific behaviors cause you to feel that she might be unsafe with your 7 year old daughter? What's the unofficial custody situation like now?

Turkish

p.s.

[Charger]

He is on a number of medications that impact his functioning.  His Seroquel dose alone causes him to sleep so deeply that he doesn't hear alarms, noises, etc.  He is constantly suicidal and has memory loss due to his shock therapy treatments.  He has spent about 5 minutes a day with our daughter even living in the same home and has never been responsible for any daily care (bedtime, chores, homework, appointments).  I realize this is probably enough to get sole custody with supervised visitation, but he will have a come-apart if that is suggested and he loses all ability to be rational at that point.  Darn eggshells... .

[Turkish]

You're trusting your gut, Charger, and protecting yourself and your daughter. As sad as it is, it sounds like he's drawn into himself. The lessons to the right of this board can add to your knowledge of BPD and give you tips on non-triggering communication skills. The meds and the shock therapy are another layer which adds to his dissociation. How is your D coping with not seeing her dad? We have resources on the Co-Parenting board tailored specifically how to help our children, helping us to help them deal with a disordered parent.

So where does that leave you? He sounds pretty low functioning. Do you think he can contact a lawyer and proceed?

T

[Charger]

He served me with papers last Thursday.  I'm meeting with an attorney today.  Trying to decide how I protect my daughter without kicking the hornets nest too hard.  I'll read through those resources you suggested and get some ideas.  Thanks so much!

[Turkish]

In addition to the co parenting resources, you're in legal territory now that you've been served. I've moved your thread to legal. Senior members on this board have a lot of experience.

[livednlearned]

Hi Charger,

We have a series of Lessons here on the Family Law board that might help: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.0

How did things go with the attorney you met today?

LnL

[ForeverDad]

What is he seeking in the divorce?  Custody?  Parenting?  Support?  More than his fair share of marital assets?

I bought a home in one town and invited him to come, he got a room in another town and told me he was filing for divorce. 

I'm sad it has come to this, yet our home is so peaceful now.  However I'm so terrified of his having visitation alone with our 7 year old that I have started to try to convince him to come join us simply so that doesn't happen.  I know that's completely dysfunctional, but she isn't safe with him and if I play that card with his BPD all hell will break loose.  I feel so very stuck... .

First, take a few deep breaths.  Okay, a lot of them.   You'll work your way through this.

You have consulted a lawyer but you can consult with others before you decide which to select.  You probably have local support, perhaps family or trusted friends.  Do you have access to a counselor or therapist?  That's okay, courts like counseling.  And it's good for your daughter too!  And finally you have peer support here, we've been there, done that, we've walked in your shoes, we have amassed a huge amount of collective wisdom and are willing to share what worked for us and what didn't.

I would not recommend you invite him into your home, most definitely not when in the midst of a divorce.  Divorce is all about unwinding the marriage, feeling you ought to invite him to move in is a knee-jerk reaction, not a solution.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that is - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

As they say, if the eggs are cracked, make an omelet.  You didn't cause it, but you can find better ways to deal with the dysfunction - from a safe or safer distance.  Think it out, have a real strategy for success, not just an impulse.  Get some confidential legal consultations with experienced family law attorneys, determine which have better suggestions, advice and strategies.  Remember, while sorting things out for yourself, keep your thoughts and plans to yourself... .Loose lips sink ships.

In your case he has some long term issues.  Don't hide them.  His being on disability does not make him the preferred parent just because of his empty days.  If he hasn't been an involved parent before, he won't start now, no matter what he claims or how much he postures.  His history of medications (and disability if for mental issues) is definitely basis to use to make sure a settlement or the court's decision are appropriate and good for your child.