I screwed up - need advice in custody conflict with uBPD/NPD ex wife

[calidad]

Hi Guys,

so I'm checking in on an ongoing struggle. My ex just filed for a new move away trial in California. She's trying to take the kids 100 miles away. Until now, I was winning the paper trail war. She's been totally unwilling to co-parent. She's flat out refused to communicate, she's made wild accusations, threatened suicide, flip-flopped on a number of issues, etc. She looks very unstable on paper.

Today I was taking my kids to camp 2 miles away. I got halfway there and realized they weren't in their car seats. I totally forgot they were in the trunk. So I told them it's just a bit more and we drove to camp (they are 6 and 7 and are still required to have booster seats).  Anyway, they told my ex and she nailed me on it. I wrote her back and told her I didn't realize it until we were close to camp and that it had never happened before. She THEN reminded me of a time it did happen before that I totally forgot.

So my questions are:

1. Do I write her back and tell her I forgot so she can't say I was lying?

2. How screwed am I? I'm a 50/50 co-parent and I'm highly involved in their lives. I take them on playdates, teach them sports, guitar and work on their homework, etc. I just need to hear opinions on just how damaging this is to my case?

Thanks!

-Calidad

[anxiety5]

Hi Guys,

so I'm checking in on an ongoing struggle. My ex just filed for a new move away trial in California. She's trying to take the kids 100 miles away. Until now, I was winning the paper trail war. She's been totally unwilling to co-parent. She's flat out refused to communicate, she's made wild accusations, threatened suicide, flip-flopped on a number of issues, etc. She looks very unstable on paper.

Today I was taking my kids to camp 2 miles away. I got halfway there and realized they weren't in their car seats. I totally forgot they were in the trunk. So I told them it's just a bit more and we drove to camp (they are 6 and 7 and are still required to have booster seats).  Anyway, they told my ex and she nailed me on it. I wrote her back and told her I didn't realize it until we were close to camp and that it had never happened before. She THEN reminded me of a time it did happen before that I totally forgot.

So my questions are:

1. Do I write her back and tell her I forgot so she can't say I was lying?

2. How screwed am I? I'm a 50/50 co-parent and I'm highly involved in their lives. I take them on playdates, teach them sports, guitar and work on their homework, etc. I just need to hear opinions on just how damaging this is to my case?

Thanks!

-Calidad

Jesus. Talk about petty. I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's beyond silly but hell, that's why we are both here recovering from these monsters.

I know your kids turned you in, but whatever you do, don't acknowledge or admit to any of this (despite what they told her) in writing or through text, etc.  And if you aren't already doing so, make a habit to never do that. I would put all these questions through your lawyer because let's face it, logic, deductive reasoning, and common sense don't apply. The only thing that matters is the view in terms of the law, and your options on how to respond to what happened are best sorted out within those same context. Especially when she is so clearly unreasonable.

[enlighten me]

Yes its a screw up but dont beat yourself up about it. If the best your ex can do is throw little things like this against you she will end up looking petty. Courts dont like tit for tat exchanges. They like the big picture stuff like unreasonable behaviour, not being cooperative and unstable parenting.

[rarsweet]

It may sound silly, but, make yourself a sticky note telling yourself to make sure the boosters are in the car and stick it to your dashboard or something. I do agree its very petty but courts care about finding solutions if something is a problem. You already admitted it so just show that you made an effort to fix it.

[calidad]

Thanks guys. You know how powerful the crazy accusations can be. Good to know it's not a deal killer for me.

[ugghh]

So let me get this straight, you had the kids buckled in but forgot the boosters?  Nothing to see move on.

As Anxiety said, don't respond to petty accusations and don't fall on your sword.  If you are like most of us on this board, you have spent years of your life twisting into a pretzel to trying to meet the unreasonable demands of your pwBPD.  It took about 18 months of counseling for it finally to sink into to me that my now X was never going to change and that BPD while a condition per se, is intimately woven into the fabric of the affected party.  It is not something they have, it is who they are.

Surely you have learned by now that anything you say will be twisted and turned.  It sounds like in general you have a pretty good situation.  I would focus on limiting your communications to the ex to logistical details about the kids, of course always documented via email.  Try to avoid the text and phone calls as they are hard to document.  Finally, remember - never take legal advice from ex - which she will typically gladly offer as she tells you what a poor father/ex etc. you are.

[gomez_addams]

I know your kids turned you in, but whatever you do, don't acknowledge or admit to any of this (despite what they told her) in writing or through text, etc.  And if you aren't already doing so, make a habit to never do that.

This.

In Splitting it says to save confession for the priest/pastor, 12-step group, best friend, therapist, etc... .

In my experience, owning up to mistakes with someone who wants to continue to work with you (friend/family/neighbor/co-worker) is the best option.  With someone who wants to win, do not give them ammunition.  Ever.

I'm not very good at the validation stuff.  Perhaps something along the lines of "I know you're upset that the kids travel x number of miles without the car seat; that's a reasonable concern.  It won't happen again, and I'm not interested in discussing it."  Smarter folks on the validation stuff will tweak that response.  I suck at validation.

That said, especially during the divorce process, I wouldn't admit to breathing, having blue eyes, having a birthday.  I stuck to acknowledging her feelings and refusing to discuss it.  You're situation with co-parenting/parallel parenting or whatever will be different, I guess.

Gomez

[david]

So in about 7 years you drove your kids approximately 350 times ( a pure guess) and you forgot to put them in their booster seats twice. Two divided by 350 is .0057. That doesn't sound like a major mistake.

Putting a reminder on the dash sounds like a good idea.

[Matt]

Good feedback from everybody.

One thing I'll add:

If you are asked about this in the legal process, by your lawyer or the judge or whoever, you have a couple of choices.

Either you can lie - which in some cases might be OK but from what you describe here I would say don't do it, because the kids might say what happened, plus of course you already put your mistake in writing... .

... .or you can tell the truth and tell what you learned from it.  Shift from "I did wrong" to "... .and here's how I'm using that to become a better parent."  Make that shift quickly and smoothly - something like:

"Yes, I forgot their booster seats twice out of however many hundreds of times I've had them in the car.  What I learned from that was that when I get busy I can overlook something very important, so now I just keep their booster seats in the car all the time, so I can't forget - when I put the kids in the back seat the seats are already there and I just pop them in."

Or whatever your truth is.

The point will be, you're human, and you're imperfect, you make mistakes, and you're honest, and you use your mistakes to get better.

Meanwhile - I'm guessing - the other side will be trying to portray a very flawed person as better than she really is.

My case worked out pretty much like that - I admitted my flaws and showed that I was working on them - seeing a counselor for one thing - and my wife argued that her BPD diagnosis wasn't right, and admitted nothing even though there was a lot of proof she had done some crazy stuff.  And I'm sure both lawyers and the judge got it, and as the case proceeded, things shifted my way... .

[enlighten me]

One thing I would say is dont lie about it. Not because its wrong or could get you in trouble but because you will lose your childrens respect. You will basically have called them liars. My sons wont speak to their mum because of her lies. They have loads of examples of their mums lies but cant give one for me. This difference is why they are happy with me and want nothing more to do with their mum. They trust me so dont give your kids reason to doubt you.

I have spent a long time teaching my boys lessons and one that they are slowly learning is you are responsible for your own actions.

[david]

Enlighten me makes a very good point. When my ex first ran away (2007) I decided that their ability to trust me was the most important thing I could do. Ex used serious alienation tactics against me with the kids. Eventually they saw the lies for what they were and it all backfired on ex. They learned they could come to me with anything and I would listen and help guide them. Their mom just "likes to yell whenever anything she doesn't like happens".

[calidad]

Thanks for all the great responses here. So yes, if she focuses on this then I will state out of over 2,000 car trips with the kids in 6 years, I forgot car seats 2 times or .001% of the time. What I've learned is that when things get really hectic, I sometimes forget things so I put a sticky note on my dash to make sure I remember the car seats.

In a way it's good, she's also focused on the school lunches - accusing me of not giving them enough food. So I'll just let her focus on the small ___ while I stay focused on what is in the boys best interest through actions and documentation.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think this is a good approach.

For every little BS issue she might raise, be prepared, so you're calm, and give a short, simple answer.  Your goal is to be the practical problem-solver while she's the whacko problem-creator.

You can also enhance your position by introducing important issues that show you are thinking about what's best for the kids, now and in the future.  Not stuff to fight about, but practical things that will lock in good solutions.  As an example, I put forward a plan that I would pay for the kids' health insurance, and in exchange I wanted to claim them both on my taxes every year after the first year.  I had also started college savings plans for both kids, and I proposed to keep that money out of the divorce settlement - my wife wanted half of it but I explained that it's for the kids not for either of us, and both attorneys agreed with that.  As many practical matters as you can raise, with good solutions, you will be seen as reliable and someone with good judgment - probably a big contrast with a BPD sufferer who acts out when she's under stress.

One more hint - not exactly on topic but just in case it might help - write down and memorize the names of all the kids' teachers, now and in the past, their doctor, dentist, etc. - anyone who is important to the kids.  My lawyer told me to do this and I thought she was nuts, but I did it anyway, and sure enough, my wife's attorney grilled me (during depositions) as to the names of the kids' teachers from past years - complete BS but if I hadn't been prepared I would have looked like a clueless dad.  I was prepared so I was able to stay calm and just answer the questions, and it was the other side that looked weird and hostile.

[david]

Speaking of school. My ex tried to keep me out of the loop about school things in the beginning. I made sure the school knew I wanted to be involved with my kids education. Eventually the school figured ex out and things became much easier for the kids and me. We now have separate meetings with the school and I let them handle ex. The school and I came to the conclusion (actually me) that it was better if the school suggested things and nothing came from me. If it came from me she objected and fought it tooth and nail. That helped the school "get it" and things became much easier after that.

You might want to say something like the first time I forgot the booster seats I didn't get too concerned since it was only one time. The second time I decided to try to figure a way to not forget and I now have a post it note on my dash. It hasn't happened since that time.

Have the kids said anything about the school lunches ? Did you ask them ? It may be an issue for her but not for you or the kids. Also, our kids have an account at their cafeteria so they can get additional food if needed. Our youngest went through a growth spurt last year and he was eating more than usual. Once I realized what was going on we talked and I added more snacks in his lunch. I told him to bring anything he didn't eat back home with him. When he stopped eating as much I lessened the amount in his lunch. I found that after my ex left I began to have more dialogue with our boys and our relationship got much better. They are not afraid to talk to me and that is not the same for their mom.

I have several teachers phone numbers in my cell phone from the last few years. They gave them to me after they met ex. I am a school teacher and would never have done that myself.

[Matt]

Good points about school.  Taking the lead - getting to know the kids' teachers and others at the school - is really smart.

I made an appointment and sat down with the school counselor, and that worked very well.  She really wanted to help.  (My kids were 8 and 10 when the fireworks started.)  She was also able to see me as a positive person and not how my wife portrayed me - very important.

Some schools don't like to give information to both parents;  they may view the mom as the main parent and tell you to talk to her.  That's not right and it's probably not legal.  You can ask nicely for all the information to come directly to you, but don't be too patient;  some of our members here have had to say, "You are legally obligated to provide all the information directly to me, and if you aren't going to do that I need to know who your attorney is so I can put my attorney in touch."

Faced with legal costs - even needing their lawyer to talk to yours and bill them for his time - they'll probably back down and do what's right.  Then you can make nice... .