Perpetuous Negativity & Push for Break-up

[creative]

I'm new to this and still don't know how to deal with it, despite 4 years of ongoing negativity. I've been amazed with how incredibly similar are the experiences I've read from folks in this board.

My GF, when she doesn't come out and say that it's over, she is constantly alluding to separation and the end of our relationship. It's been going on like this for years. I don't know if I should ignore it or what?

If I don't ignore it, if I bring up talking about it, a 3 hour discussion or fight is bound to ensue. If I ignore it, she just keeps ruminating her negative feelings until she finds the slightest reason to snap.

Almost every morning she wakes up in the foulest mood and looks at me crooked. It's like I'm her number #1 enemy, and she treats me like so. If I try to make a joke or be cute, nothing breaks her. She is constantly waiting for the opportunity to tell me off or blame me for all her problems. She is very very sensitive and anything I say she construes as blame or criticism, when in reality she is the one doing that all day.

I just recently found out about BPD. How do I deal with this?

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[Bpdwifelife]

I'm sorry you are going through this - that sounds very painful and draining. When you discuss or fight about it does she give you a list of things she wants you to do or stop doing and is there any part of what she is requesting that sounds reasonable to you? She may not be getting a need met that you could meet. It may feel like a bottomless pit if you do or stop doing one thing than she will just want something else. Part of this is feminine essence and we never stop testing or challenging men but if she is BPD she will probably have a very difficult time reciprocating and meeting your needs. That is often the unfair balance and as the emotionally healthier one you have more responsibility for the relationship and it will be difficult or impossible to reach a balance. There is a lot if information here I would start reading the lessons and learning about validation. You will need to learn to validate her feelings without invalidating yours. It's a lot of work. My ubphd is like a full time job. It is exhausting. She also may be threatening to end the r/a as a means to control or manipulate you in which case you may need to call her bluff to put a stop to that. The next time she does this don't ignore it let her talk about what's bothering and see if you can identify the reason she is doing this for attention, control, manipulation or does she have some valid complaints. It isn't healthy to threaten to end a r/s and demand that needs get met but there may be something that really bothers her that she feels unheard about. Good luck to you.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Have you had a chance to read through the lessons yet? There might be some stuff there to help. I think the lesson on surviving confrontation and disrespect might be helpful.

Have you considered changing some of your routines to avoid her in the morning? If you know she wakes up grumpy, would it be possible to wake up later or steer clear of her during those times. One small change can make a world of difference.

[creative]

Thank you for the suggestions, I'm finally going step-by-step through all the info found in Lessons.

There's nothing specific she wants me to stop doing. In fact, whenever I ask her to be specific she talks about how she is tired of saying what's wrong. Every complaint from her is fleeting and part of an insurmountable wheel of criticism that keeps spinning. It's several things.

She used to only date women before she met me, and although in the beginning we were very active and liberated sexually, now it's become impossible to even touch her. Anything is a motive for her to look at me and label me as a misogynist, a woman-hater, saying I am rude and rough, have no peripheral vision in life and in social situations. Says she can't believe she stopped dating her ex, a woman, who could truly understand her and make her feel good.

The misogynist part is completely unfounded, especially because over the years I've become more and more cautious in that regard so as to not allow her the opportunity to see me that way. I feel I have no more room in our r/s to express the things I want or would like, and yet I try to please her wherever possible. She calls me a misogynist, yet she gets a sick thrill of seeing herself on top of me, subjugating me and putting me down, humiliating me, calling me a coward and so on.

She is often saying she is in physical pain in places in her body, or she has just hurt herself in some way. I pay attention when she says these things, but most often than not, she appears to me to be faking it all. A call for attention she's been practicing ever since she was a child.

In regards to changing the routine, I've learned to wake up early before her and make breakfast, so to give her no reason whatsoever to start railing me. But I wonder if this is some form of manipulation on her part to get things the way she wants, but then I wonder how can anyone in their right mind go through this effort of being in such a bad mood just to get what they want.

[formflier]

If I ignore it, she just keeps ruminating her negative feelings until she finds the slightest reason to snap.

Yep... .let her ruminate... .distance yourself from it.

I'm glad you are reading the lessons... .  Focus first on invalidation and validation.  Distancing yourself (not listening) to rumination will help you avoid invalidation.

As you gain more skill... .then you can try to validate some of the emotions she is bringing up during rumination.

Last thought for you... .if you enjoy getting up early and making breakfast (I do!)... keep doing it.  If the only reason you are doing it... .is to get a specific reaction... .or behavior from your pwBPD ... .well... that's not a good idea.  (they will let you down... a lot... )

Hope this helps... .keep going on the lessons... .ask questions about what you have read over here... .we can help you out with your questions.

FF