More lies discovered post b/u

[Yolanda123]

I feel like I have been so stupid and naïve. I feel betrayed, I feel crushed again. Confused.

6 week post b/u, I’m still learning things about my exBPDbf. We met at work, he’d been working during one year for the company where I’ve been working for several years. During his employment here, we did not really have any interactions besides saying hi how are you, until he started love-bombing me about one month before losing his job. He was fired one week after we started going out together.

So people at my work know him, some were close enough to him, like this girl from another department who was really good friends with him (purely platonic I know for sure) and who since has come to see his ‘true nature’ and does not want him in her life anymore as a friend – so I’ve become close to that girl since the b/u. She’s been very understanding and a good support for me. That’s from her that I learned that my exBPDbf was already seeing someone when we started going out together and that the first night he came to my place, this woman was waiting for him and was very worried because she had not heard from him in 3 days. So that’s how I learned that I was a replacement and that there were lies from day one.

I’ve told this colleague a while ago though that there’s stuff that I don’t need to know. Because at some point she told me she knew some ‘disturbing stuff’ about him. I don’t see the good in knowing things that could hurt me more…I already know enough to have realized intellectually that he was disordered, that he lied, that he was not the person I thought he was. I am no masochist and don’t need more salt on the wound.

So this colleague told me that he was using cocaine and came to work on it on a few occasions. Naturally, he never told me about that. Did not match at all the person he had created for me. The person he presented to me, I’d say the first 10 months of the r/s (after which the mask started to fall, but the ‘good guy’ was still there most of the time, on and off, until the end) was sweet, sensitive, caring, innocent, not an ounce of malice in him, had good values, wanted to live a stable and quiet life with me. He had a childish, innocent, harmless, vulnerable quality about him that I found very endearing and attaching.

It’s so creepy and confusing. Trying to understand/put the pieces together and find out WHO was he? I will never know and I know there’s not point to it, but I can’t help racking my brains about it.

Intellectually, I understand the disorder and how it works, the false self and the mirroring, the techniques for attaching, etc. They are very good at it! Wow the trace they leave on us  :'(

Every time I learn stuff like this about him, I’m in shock for a while. To realize I’ve been lied to about lots of things, sure there’s a lot more that I don’t know about. I find it so hard to apply the knowledge to my own story and accept that the relationship I thought I had was fake, that I have loved someone that does not really exist, and to let go of that, let go of the person I thought he was and that I loved so much. I don’t know how to do it. The most confusing thing I have gone through in my entire life. I guess time will make things easier.

[blissful_camper]

Hi Yolanda,

Your ex is responsible for his actions.  That is not your stuff.   You went into the r/s with good intentions.  That is what matters.  While I know this new information about your ex causes confusion and pain, is it in any way validating for you?  In my opinion you were shown what you needed to know. 

When I set the issue of the disorder aside, what I concluded is that my ex and I don't share the same core values.  We are not compatible for that reason. 

Time is your pal.  What helped me to let go was accepting who he is, and then turning inward to focus on myself.  I wasn't sure that I would ever recover, but I did.  Have faith in yourself.   Continue reading, and posting.  You'll get through this. 

[Michelle27]

I too discovered things after deciding I needed to end things.  The past 5 years of my marriage had me so deep in the fog that I struggled greatly with his words not matching his actions.  During the past year, sensing that I had one foot out the door he laid it on thick telling me he was getting help and that he took responsibility for where our  marriage had gone.  Since deciding I needed to move on, I've discovered while he was telling me this stuff, he was telling friends and neighbors things to rationalize his bad behavior, including total lies about things that simply never happened.  I was already 100% sure I made the right decision in ending things, but this information gave me confirmation.  I honestly don't think in my stbxh's case, he isn't capable of being honest and facing the truth.

[Gonzalo]

Over time as you analyze your relationship and things they said you'll probably find that there are lies, things that don't match reality, deceptions, and inconsistencies. It all fits in the the disorder, and it can make you feel very confused and sad because you thought you understood this person, but didn't really. You'll probably find more and more as you disentangle, be prepared to realize that the picture you had really didn't match what was going on in your ex-'s head.

For example, early on my ex- told me that she found it very strange that I'd go to another room to talk on the phone with my mother, and in the course of the conversation said that she expected any conversation with one member of a couple to be overheard by the other. She didn't quite insist that I hold my conversations where she could hear, but she clearly wanted me to, and treated this like she was making a concession. But some time later, she was having a conversation with part of a couple, and was absolutely furious when it turned out that the other part of the couple was listening over his shoulder, and clearly felt that it was an unexpected betrayal. When I asked her about her original statements, she accused me of trying to 'trap' her and dropped the subject.

[Yolanda123]

Thank you everyone for replying and sharing your experiences

I haven't posted a lot lately because I've been so confused that I did not know what I was feeling from one hour to the next. I've been to my T 2 days ago and it's helped. Discovering the lies is a shock, I guess I have been tempted to be in denial at times, and it's good to get a reality check.

But I want to say thank you because I come to the board everyday to read and it helps a lot.

[Sadly]

Hello love

reading your story could almost be mine. I know the pain and confusion, the devastating betrayal you are feeling right now. It's hideous, every waking moment is taken up with it. I cannot help you yet but coming on here was the best thing I ever did and will be for you too. When I am wobbling and distraught (most of the time) to be fair, I jump straight on here and know that I am not alone. The nicest thing was when I was given this  , so I am giving you one too.   . My friend at the moment is anger but I fear that it wont last, and I really mean fear. It sounds hypocritical to say " be strong" when I don't feel it either but short of someone coming and taking this deathly feeling of pain and loss and betrayal away from us which is of course impossible then the words " be strong" is all I can offer. If you hold my hand I will hold yours. xx

[Yolanda123]

Thank you Sadly for your kind words.

This board and the people here (I'm amazed at how caring and helpful people are) is what keeps me from feeling pathetic and crazy. Having people understand what it feels like to come out of a BPD r/s - it's not standard breakup and emotions.

I totally understand your anger. If it's helping you right now, I say just go with it and feel it. It's part of the Healing, and I think we have every reason to be angry. We've been betrayed by someone we loved, what else is more painful and hard to accept than that? Feeling angry is perfectly normal.

I really don’t have any words of wisdom to share – for now I’m still processing what happened to me, going through waves of contradictory and intense emotions, and taking in all the advice and experience from this board.

But I can say: hang in there, it gets better I promise. I am having more good days that bad ones lately, and I'm starting to feel detached from my exBPD, slowly untangling the fantasy from the reality. I know that I deserve better than chaos, lies and torments. I deserve better than having someone use me as a tool to make him feel he exists. So do you. Here’s one for you too   take care of yourself