Meanest thing your ex said to you? - part 2

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Anker,

I experienced pretty much the same. If I was happy he needed to take me down and feel depressed if that was the "mood of the day". If he was happy then I had to be very careful and agree 100% and boost his happiness.

Humor never helped. I tried.

His mood pretty much determined what happened that day.

[O'Maria]

Anker,

I experienced pretty much the same. If I was happy he needed to take me down and feel depressed if that was the "mood of the day". If he was happy then I had to be very careful and agree 100% and boost his happiness.

Humor never helped. I tried.

His mood pretty much determined what happened that day.

[man34]

my exBPD gf called my wife and asked her to get an abortion... .what the hell... .

[Goose]

"You fckn kid!" (I'm 8 years his junior but still close to my mid-twenties and a mother, I hated that patronizing expression)

"You have ruined my life" (x100)

"You're fcked up, I'm gonna move in with my ex and our kids again, never call me again" (happened once in a while in more or less this manner)

"Yeah, show off your ___ to the whole community as I know you do!" (he was thinking I was having sex with a friend of mine who's computer I was fixing)

But somehow the words "stupid" or "thick" hurt the most. I've through my bad self-confidence at least always known I'm smart, guess he knew that, those words really put me down.

and yeah just gotta edit in I agree on the "I love you" as one of the worst things, I needed to be loved very much too and believed it all.

[turtlesoup]

I've been thinking more about this. And you know the very worst thing he ever said? That he loved me because I believed him and because I really needed to be loved. 

This is pretty standard I think. As we were "breaking" up and what probably put the tin lid on it for my ex, was that she was now upset that I believed what all the therapists and mental health professionals had been saying and had somewhere along the line "lost my reason". She loved me because I would tolerate her version of events. If i questioned it, and when I did, and kept questioning it and she could see I also thought she had a problem, I was out the door.

And doubtless she is targeting someone with the same techniques now who will accept her mental state and not try and change her... .until they can no longer take the abuse too. These people are in for lonely lives.

[Metta]

(after dumping me and returning to his ex-wife's and daughter's home)

"My daughter made me a Valentine's day card and you should be happy for me!"

(or some such nonsense, as if he had no right to get a card from her if he divorced his wife. It really showed me that his feelings were the most important thing. He had to feel approved of. It just really stung-like him being a standup guy and being with me prevented him from being a dad, so he had to go back. Please. jackass. Insisting I be happy that he got a damn card right after he dumped me in the worst way. hit_ had no business sending me mopey emails after he heroically returned to his marriage. Such disrespect to his then-ex-wife and me. Pig.)

The V day card thing really burned.

[Metta]

Double post, oops.

[anker]

Him saying he loved me was not a bad thing. Just because it meant something different to him than me... .in his illness it was the nicest thing he could try for.

the love he had wasn't the bad thing. That he could not be healthy and was unkind and mentally ill was the bad part.

At any rate not my problem anymore. I do think he tried but his illness made it impossibly painful for me... .

[oceanheart]

The only time he called me a ___ I started laughing. I find the word funny. He was furious after that. "you're too loud. Obnoxious. Clingy. Sexually irtatious with your friends" Oh yeah... ."you don't have friends you have acquaintances" (projection much?) "why are you so pushy and manly with your friends" Basiclly anytime I felt confident and happy there was something wrong with me.

Naked power plays, anker. He was trying to strip you of your power. He may/may not even be aware that's what he's doing. If he is, that's evil, and most likely a NPD thing. In my [non-professional] opinion, pwNPD tend to be more predatory-reptilian (mean) and pwBPD tend to be more wounded-bear (lashing-out). Of course, I could be biased... .

Growing up, my brother told me all the time how stupid and crazy I was and this continued into our adulthood (we're LC right now). The most painful thing in childhood I can remember was when we were visiting a mountaintop for vacation and he and I were looking over the edge - our parents were elsewhere - and he said something like: "I could push you off and no one would know it was me." I was 12, he was 14.

And all the emasculating comments men have mentioned - those are to take down a person's power, which may be perceived by the pwBPD as threatening. Perceived is the operating word, because remember pwBPD are sometimes acting out of long-ago installed cognitive scripts that are severely distorted. But sometimes there is a reason (NEVER an EXCUSE!).

[hiddenlizard]

Let's see,

I think the one(s) that really did in the relationship - background: I found him masturbating with internet porn at 4 am, a day later we attempted to discuss the issue, he wanted me to see some of the websites he visited, one had several movies portraying young women, my late husband was quite a bit older than me.

I point out the disturbing nature of the "age" of the women

He says, "I wouldn't click on those. I am not into child porn BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL" (my emphasis and WRONG ANSWER DUDE!)

Then he proceeds with, "Men like younger women. Look at you and (my late husband)."

then the category which includes:

you need help

you are crazy and you are going to make me crazy

(a lot of comments about my first marriage)

I am not hurting you, you are hurting yourself

no other man is going to want you... .

the way he lied about a certain incident while in couples counseling (but in fact this is one of the   that he has not and will not, is not capable of changing, and likely believes his "style" of history after telling himself how true it is even though it is 180 degrees off, he claimed that my actions were his and his were mine - but I am the one who is "crazy"?)


But really the painful ones are the "loving" ones.

you are exactly what I have been looking for

you are more than I could have ever dreamed of

I love you

you are the best thing I have in my life

and so on and so on and... .

Yes, it is very, very painful to recount this stuff but I need to remember. I feel like I have so many layers to break through before I am really free of the ugliness he brought into my life. I try to think of a kinda ugly, maybe even scary looking caterpillar sealed up in a chrysalis  - breaking out with a great deal of struggle and flying away a beautiful colored butterfly. Maybe kinda corny but it helps some of the time.

Thank you for listening.

[hiddenlizard]

this is not the "worst" thing but interesting nonetheless:

in the pity seeking e-mail he sent last night he said "This relationship has cost me plenty"

no, I have not gone NC, yet

I responded by saying that he may get more sympathy from someone other than me

it is noon and he has not phoned nor e-mailed

maybe I did good

[healing1]

Let's see:

"No man would ever want you"

"People won't like you when they find out how you REALLY are"    project much?

"you need to see a psychiatrist" Um he went to see one and was put on meds and stopped taking them cold turkey.

"You're so full of ___ that your eyes are brown!"

"You should get a boob job"

"I cheated (for at least nine years maybe more who knows with several different women) because you didn't act like a wife!"

Recently when I filed for divorce "PLEASE READ YOU _____, PLEASE READ YOU FOR DOING THIS!" with gritted teeth, red faced and in my face.

"Youngest child is having psychosomatic symptoms because you hired a divorce lawyer and are doing this to me"

After leaving town to see concerts for ten days yet unemployed and expecting a hero's welcome: "You need to make me feel welcome and appreciated around here!"  that one is not really hateful just insane.

[O'Maria]

Healing1,

This is terrible to read.

Mine was put on drugs too and he stopped taking them every time. Did not want to be a nuthead. The best thing for you to do is to heal yourself, you cannot help somebody who does not respect you.

It takes time but some day you can look at it as an experience. Do things that you enjoy. I focus more on exercise and just talking to people, having dinner, going to the movies. I decided to take care of myself first before I start another r/s and I am also very afraid to fall in love with another man who turns out to be a monster.

[Hannahbanana]

I'm really surprised by the things everyone has said because i think i heard most, if not all of these comments from my ex at some point.  The comments are almost word for word, it's really strange!  Some of the comments on this thread, variations of which i frequently heard, are:

You ruined my life

I hope you die just to get you out of my life for good

You look amazing from head to toe, but bleed black blood and are probably schizophrenic

You need serious help

If you're hurt, it's not my fault, it's your problem, you're hurting yourself

I need someone who gets me!  God himself would struggle to "get" this guy

Men will fall at your feet because you look amazing, once they know your head, god help them

I am soo attracted to you physically, it's your headspace i don't like (for some reason i now find this funny, maybe i am crazy

[TonyC]

im coming back home

[atwittsend]

haha yeah I just got that one the other day.  i wanna come back home... .

suuuurrrreee

[shallowval33]

I agree that  the words that hurt the most, are the loving ones you play over and over in your mind. The ones meant to hurt, make me laugh because they're so utterly ridiculous.

[Aussie John]

I want to come back!

[healing1]

Thank you mariaorlando. I'm sorry for your situation too.

[JGirl2]

By far the worst he did was saying that I'm a horrible abusive mother... .- he made up the story of me abusing our oldest son and it never happened. he went around telling everyone I abuse our son.  Every argument we had he would yell how horrible a person I was that I abused my children.  That really hurt that he would go around and say thing like this and some neighbors who I was friends now do not  really talk to me any more because of this.  The son he accuses me of abusing doesn't talk to him anymore because of this.  This really hurt my son to hear his dad make up this false story and go around to his friends parents telling them I abused this son.  That is what hurts most is that the jerk made this up to really try to hurt me and he also winds up hurting our son badly.

[.cup.car]

Ground zero. Pick one and only one.

Ahahahah and i don't blame you for being a ___, must suck getting rejected by the same girl for 3+ years. Sick twisted ___ Don't talk to me. - received at 2:44 am

For some context, I asked her why she called my mom at 5am to try and find out where I lived and where I worked.

And I love how despite her being the one to call me crying on a yearly basis begging to get back together, I'm the one who was rejected. Ok then.

Glad she violated the court order. Anyways, your turn.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

All because I wouldn't take a picture making out with her in front of the water while she was drunk... .

"You're so ___ed up because of your abusive relationship, You got into that relationship because your parents made you a fat kid and you were fat all your life no one wanted you until you lost weight. No one is ever going to love you because you're so fuc*ed up!"

She brought up my ex who hit me once and I left. I hadn't been in that relationship for 7 years.  I also haven't been overweight for 7 years. I'm actually a personal trainer on the side.

She got very nasty when she drank. Why did I stay with her? This was back in April.

[problemsolver]

"when are you going to start living life for yourself" recently graduated and I've been trying really hard to make things happen... So it REALLY rubbed me the wrong way ... .She always thought anything I did was based off her.

[lawman79]

Via text right after new years... .

"I hope you burn in an oven like the other jews" I am half jewish btw... .

If you take all the nasty things she said to me, they are nasty then every other nasty comment anyone has ever said to me in 36 years combined... .and we were only together a 14 months.

Just for fun her most over the top threat "You can't prove you own your dog.  I will take her and feed her rat poison and broken glass and give you back her dead body in a garbage bag". 

[Technique]

'Half-Jewish?' There's no such thing. You either are or you ain't . If your Mum isn't Jewish then neither are you.

[Tomzxz]

Lawman79,  I was going to add to the conversation but WOW!  You win with that one. I don't know how you sleep at night without having nightmares.  Just the thought of having someone like that in my life gives me shivers.  I'm truly sorry you had to endure that abuse.

[Heldfast]

Thank you all, mine said some horrible things, some mean things, but nothing even close to that. I almost feel I should break no contact to commend her... .

[Meadowslark]

Not an ex, but my BPDsis told me this:

"If I had all the power in the world to give you what you wanted most, I wouldn't, because you don't deserve happiness. You deserve to suffer forever."

Context was I'd been wanting something for 5+ years and just couldn't seem to get it (long story). Sis would use this as a knife in my side she could twist whenever she wanted to.

[lawman79]

My family celebrates cathoilc and jewish holdays... .we are cashew... .it's complicated but works for us.

My ex was a real peach. Constantly calling me a loser and telling me how worthless I was.  Constant threats to harm herself, me and call the police and make up stories. Then finally after a particular nasty exchange, I decided she needed a taste of her own medicine.  So I insulte3d her back with everything I knew she was insecure about.  After taking her abuse for a year, I just lost it and hot back.  That was 6 months ago, and I never heard from her again.  I guess pwBPD can dish it out but they can't take it.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

On the occasions when I did lose my temper and give it back to her she always turned it around by saying "you just used everything I told You about in confidence, now I can't trust you... .Not with secrets and not sexually"

She would hold it over my head for weeks! Claiming she couldn't trust me.

[Hannibal Heyes]

Stop telling everyone we have a relationship. We never had and we will never ever will!