Weak tonight

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Want to reach out. Will get burned again right?

[Beach_Babe]

Want to reach out. Will get burned again right?

[Beach_Babe]

I am ashamed I tried to force contact on him. That I made a pest out of myself with texts/calls and bought 6 plane tickets. I was never anything more to this person than an Internet friend.

Feeling sick tonight.

[Kwamina]

Hi Beach_Babe

You had a long relationship with him and now all of a sudden transitioning into this new life isn't easy. Having to let go of the life you had together and might have envisioned for the future, is tough.

Please try to be gentle with yourself. Perhaps it can help to consider how you would talk to someone else going through what you are going through and try to treat yourself with the same level of compassion. It might help to talk to yourself (and about yourself) in a compassionate manner and not use hurtful labels to describe yourself or your meaning to him:

Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

If someone else on here was feeling the way you do, what would you then say to that person?

You wanting to reach out is understandable considering the emotions you're experiencing, many of the members on this board have been there too. What do you think reaching out to him would accomplish? You yourself express your concerns of getting burned again. Do you believe this time around anything would be different? Do you perhaps feel like reaching out to him will ease some of your pain? That he would be able (and willing) to ease your pain?

[Beach_Babe]

It would ease my pain just to make peace. To know I'm no longer "satan" and things are ok. If they can't be "ok" at least that will help to "kill the hope" of any possible return. Because for 14 years he has said and done many things while dysregulated. I think I am stuck because I do not want to believe he meant it. If I try and conclude "yes he does" maybe I can finally close that door. 

NC was never my choice. I think I want affirmation it still is not. That he is truly gone for good. No civility is possible. 

[Kwamina]

It would ease my pain just to make peace. To know I'm no longer "satan" and things are ok.

Do you feel like you need to make peace or to hear him say that you aren't "satan" to truly know and feel that you indeed aren't "satan"? (cause you're not Beach_Babe and you never were!)

If they can't be "ok" at least that will help to "kill the hope" of any possible return. Because for 14 years he has said and done many things while dysregulated. I think I am stuck because I do not want to believe he meant it. If I try and conclude "yes he does" maybe I can finally close that door.

NC was never my choice. I think I want affirmation it still is not. That he is truly gone for good. No civility is possible.  

 

Acceptance of reality is never easy when it means accepting painful things like this. Perhaps this article about reality acceptance can be of some help to you: From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

The NC wasn't your choice and it's clear that you are still finding this separation very hard. Considering what you know about him, the BPD, his dysregulation, the hurtful and I must say unjust way he has treated you, would you then still be willing to consider a reconciliation if he now said that he wants to end the NC?

Going NC might not have been your own choice when it happened, but what you do now is your choice. It gives him a lot of power over you if you feel like he is the only one that can affirm that the NC is your choice or not. Perhaps it is time to take that power back and put it back in your own hands.

[Beach_Babe]

Thank you for that link.

I might be willing to reconsider if the feeling were mutual and he agreed to joint therapy. I cared deeply for this person. 

Do you believe there is truly no hope and I should not reach out? I'm open to honest opinions? 

[Kwamina]

I know you cared deeply for him Beach_Babe and that's why this hurts so much. I am very sorry that you are in this difficult situation and are dealing with this pain

I think there is always hope. I do think it helps all of us if we are realistic about that hope, it's a hope based in the reality of what we know about BPD. And it's a harsh reality.

When I consider the people in my own life with BPD and you would ask me if believe there is hope, my answer is yes. If you ask me if I think it's likely they will change, my answer unfortunately is no though.

However, each case is different and there are definitely many people with BPD who have learned to better manage their difficult thoughts and emotions and as a result have improved their behavior. For this to happen it is essential that the person fully acknowledges his issues and fully commits to working on them. Unfortunately, this isn't the case with the BPD people in my life.

When you consider your ex, do you feel like he in any way acknowledges that there might be something wrong with his behavior, specifically the way he treats you? Has he ever in any way hinted at being willing to work on his issues and get in therapy?

[Skip]

This split happened because suddenly he found some success career and social wise and no longer had use for me (I suspect) now that life was good and now felt more normal "like a person." I was only good enough to keep around when life sucked, and he hit bottom face down. Perhaps I was a self esteem boost. It is very possible  he never cared for or loved me the same. That is hard. But I did not deserve how horribly things ended. I deserve at least civility, not to writhe every night in pain. I just want a peaceful closure. Maybe to know I'm no longer his enemy. To walk away knowing things are "ok". Why is that asking too much? I know he does not grieve or miss me that's ok. But who wants to think they were just used that the last 14 years was a lie? It's not okay.

There was one time he disappeared from 2005-2006 I just remembered. Our relationship was only platonic then so I guess I just forgot about it. I don't recall any fight he just vanished. Then a year later he reappeared with no apologies and some bizarre explanations. But he's been a constant since then. I want the closure because I'll be damned if I'm going to let history repeat itself... .that I will suffer through this and he just reappears a year later and acts like nothing happened. No. That's not fair to ME. If he's done and he means that ... .then after a certain point he will live with that.  I want to reach out at some point (not necessarily now) for myself knowing I tried once,more before shutting that door for good. Because he goes around telling people I abandoned him and it's  and  think he's a demon.  That he was my charity case and thats not true. Things like that cut me to my core. It's not true. I have respected his wishes the entire 3.5 months and have kept NC. If I truly have to close this door for good, I want it to be without pain or guilt. I think I need that confirmation  he truly is never coming back.

If it was me, I would not contact him.  It's not very attractive (so it doesn't help rebuild things) and he probably can't give you a reliable answer on his future feelings. He is not immersed in this (like you) - he is most likely hyper-focused on his local life changes - and you are on the back burner.

Try not to read too much into what is happening.  Its very likely that it is being driven by thing other than who/what you are. I read you taking this very hard personally - almost as personal failure - a reflection of your worth. Yet you know he has had life changing things happen. You are still the person you have always been - a good person - its not you that changed - it was something else entirely.

Part of what makes this hard is the whole long distance thing. Even though you have know each other for 14 years, there are aspects of his life you don't know.  Its very easy to wear masks in LDR.  It very easy for LDR to seem better than they are (you only see the person periodically).  Its very easy for time to slip away in LDR (a week in real life might take months to play out in an LDR).

In reading your history, I get the sense that you may have occupied a compartment in his life - and that there were other compartments you were not a part of.  :)o you think that is true?

[Beach_Babe]

Kwamina: he is aware he has aspergers, but has been resistant to the psychiatrist diagnosis of BPD. He used to mention us attending therapy together often but it never happened. Towards the end I guess he wasn't interested.

Skip: you are right I was compartmentalized. Did not realize this until recently; every year I was left out of  simple things like even a birthday party. He invited people to this party from Facebook he never even met in person. But I was always left out. Half of his friends were surprised he was engaged. It was truly awful.

I am sad he felt I was someone to "upgrade" from. I never treated him that way despite his many social eccentricities. He only saw me as a last resort. Am I being negative here? It certain seems that way.

[Beach_Babe]

Would it be okay to keep posting letters here. I feel like I'm being redundant and annoying, but this is the only thing that keeps me from bothering him. Please someone tell me one day this excruciating hurt will pass.

[Beach_Babe]

Is anyone around please?

[Beach_Babe]

Would it help just to pretend I've already tried and been rejected maybe? Just tell myself I have a restraining order or will if I try?

[Beach_Babe]

Can someone direct me to a place that might be more appropriate?

[Infern0]

I'm here what's up

[Loosestrife]

I'm here too 

[Beach_Babe]

*hugs* thank you

[oor_wullie]

Can someone direct me to a place that might be more appropriate?

it's okay. tell us what you need to say. you'll be heard.

[Beach_Babe]

I can't fathom another day like this.

[Infern0]

Maybe you should send him a message? Get other opinions first but maybe you need to do this to move on?

As I say get other opinions first

[jhkbuzz]

You are struggling with the temptation to contact him because you believe the remedy for your pain lies with him. You are wrong. Continuing pain and unhappiness is what lies ahead for you if you succumb to this temptation.

The solution to your pain lies within YOU: with discovering how and why your low self-worth draws you to a relationship with someone who treats you as though you are worthless. His treatment of you is a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

I strongly urge you to find a therapist.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Beach_Babe

It's okay for you to keep posting here! I actually encourage you to do so if you are in need of support and advice.

I think the best and most healthy way to deal with the pain is to go through it and allow yourself to experience the painful emotions without negatively judging yourself for feeling the way you do. Instead of judging yourself, try to find some compassion for yourself and the hurt you are feeling.

The reality acceptance skills can help you manage your pain and make it more bearable:

Pain is pain. Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance.  So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering.  Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.

Acceptance of this new reality is hard, I realize that. By practicing and applying the reality acceptance skills over and over again, I do think it's possible to lessen your pain and start healing yourself.

Take care

[rotiroti]

You are struggling with the temptation to contact him because you believe the remedy for your pain lies with him. You are wrong.

^ so much this. I know there are always exception to the rule, but I can honestly say that I have never seen a happy ending to a recycle story here

[Skip]

Hi again Beach_Babe

It's okay for you to keep posting here! I actually encourage you to do so if you are in need of support and advice.

We all do.

Kwamina: he is aware he has aspergers, but has been resistant to the psychiatrist diagnosis of BPD. He used to mention us attending therapy together often but it never happened. Towards the end I guess he wasn't interested.

1. Skip: you are right I was compartmentalized. Did not realize this until recently; every year I was left out of  simple things like even a birthday party. He invited people to this party from Facebook he never even met in person. But I was always left out. Half of his friends were surprised he was engaged. It was truly awful.

2. I am sad he felt I was someone to "upgrade" from. I never treated him that way despite his many social eccentricities. He only saw me as a last resort. Am I being negative here? It certain seems that way.

(1) Long distance relationship are really susceptible to this (1). It's the nature of the beast and one reason they are prone to problems.  Add Aspergers and the inability to pick up on social cues  

That said, you obviously played a very important part in his life - it was just segmented. 14 years is a long time in any measure. Hold onto that.  

I have someone in my life (a friend) with Aspergers and he says some subtlety hurtful (very hurtful) things. He has no idea. My emotions will initially react to it, and then I remind myself that this is the disorder - he doesn't have the same feelers out that I do.

(2) As you say, he's probably been shuffling your compartment among his others for years.  You move forward, you get moved backward.  The distance covered it all up.  For example, if you had been in his town and all his friend knew you, there would have been a "village effect" when you were excluded from a birthday (were's the B_Babe?).  In an LDR, this was off the radar screen.  Same with being unwelcomed in his house. Acceptable at a distance - but not in a more conventional relationship.

Anyway, navigating this with a communication now is really hard.

Waiting is tough too.  As you said, at one point, your pod got shuffled to the back for a year.

You don't have any good options right now... .just hard ones. I might try and postmortem this thing and understand it - invest my energy there.  I also might try to help others.  That is a good thing to do in times like this.

I think one thing to consider is that you have abandonment anxiety. You are showing many of the signs of distorted cognitions that go with this type of depression.  The way you are seeing things is distorted by the anxiety. It can make us devalue ourselves.

You are not seeing how beautiful you are right now. And you loved deeply. That's beautiful too. Nothing he does (or doesn't do) changes that.