How do you forget?

[Schermarhorn]

I don't want closure, I just want to quit thinking about her.

Everything reminds me of her. The shows I watch, this campus, the music I listen to, etc.

I have tried going out with friends, I have tried to keep her out of my mind. It has been a month and I almost feel just as bad as day one.

She's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing before bed.

I specifically remember telling her that I was getting too attached to her and her response was "go ahead, I am not going anywhere."

Does anybody have any advice to block her out of my miand?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I'm coming up on a month too of my breakup and I am feeling the exact same way. I just want to forget.

I can't even do hobbies I liked to do before because I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically so it makes it hard when people say "get a hobby" I got a new place so I've been investing a lot of time in that but still, everything reminds me of her.

How long were the two of you together?

[Schermarhorn]

I'm coming up on a month too of my breakup and I am feeling the exact same way. I just want to forget.

I can't even do hobbies I liked to do before because I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically so it makes it hard when people say "get a hobby" I got a new place so I've been investing a lot of time in that but still, everything reminds me of her.

How long were the two of you together?

Not long, about 3 months from all our attempts.

She was my first.

[SummerStorm]

Unfortunately, there isn't an easy answer to this question.  I remember every day.  And even though I was fortunate enough to recently get closure, I'm actually still struggling because that closure came after six weeks of NC.  All of those feelings came right back again. 

In the scheme of things, a month isn't a long time.  Don't let people rush you, either.  A few days after mine went NC for the first time, my mother expected me to be over it already.  One of my friends told me she didn't want to hear about it anymore and that I need to just forget it and move on.  At the end of the day, unless you have a friend or know someone else who dated/is dating a pwBPD, no one in your life is going to understand.  Yes, they've been through breakups, but those relationships didn't involve idealization and devaluation, sometimes in the same day, and they didn't include intense mirroring followed by harsh projection.  And most importantly, the breakups that others went through probably declined gradually and included closure, whereas a relationship with a pwBPD might be the happiest it's been one day and over for good the next day, with no warning.

And even if a relationship with a pwBPD includes closure, like mine eventually did, us Nons are likely going to still feel like everything was our fault because the pwBPD just won't take responsibility.  I'm forever grateful that I got a final letter from mine and that she returned the things she borrowed from me, but she only ever apologized for two things, and neither of them was even close to being one of the worst things she ever did or said to me.  Furthermore, I was told once again to not contact her, which makes me feel like I'm being punished.  I know it will help with her healing, but at the same time, I'm not the one who did anything wrong, and the two NC decisions came from her end.  Neither was a mutual decision.  It's basically her saying, "You will do this."  At the end of the day, I'm glad we are NC and that she is moving across the country soon, but I wish we could have had an adult conversation and said, "You know, I think it's better for both of us if we don't talk anymore.  What do you think?" 

The reason we can't get pwBPD off our mind is that they always hold all the cards, even when we think we hold them.  You mentioned TV shows and music.  In my case, we already had similar interests in TV shows, and then once she started mirroring me, that increased dramatically.  She started watching my favorite TV show.  She followed the show's official account on Twitter.  She would ask me what songs I wanted to listen to on her iPod and then sing along to them.  I've basically stopped watching TV shows because she and I like so many of the same ones, and I don't listen to songs that she liked.  I even have a hard time drinking orange juice because she loved it so much.  I had started re-reading Harry Potter but have since stopped because she loves it so much.  Every time I go to read it, I think of her.

Think back to before you met her.  What did you enjoy doing?  Did you get to do those things when you were with her?  If not, do those things again.  For me, it was running and hiking.  When I wasn't with her, I was texting her.  When I was with her, we were inside, watching TV.  So, I bought a pair of hiking shoes and set off for a local park.  It's a temporary fix, yes, but it's difficult for me to think of her when I'm busy figuring out how to climb over rocks and not seriously injure myself and keeping my eyes out for snakes.  Do things that force you to put her in the back of your mind.     

[sas1729]

Hey nonya,

As strange as this sounds, congrats on one month of being NC. I agree that one month is not a lot of time. The wound is still very fresh and it does take time to heal. In truth, I think this is the reality. I'm sorry but I wanted to give my honest thought about it. However, there are some things that you can do, I think. I understand what you mean by being too drained to hang out with friends or do you old hobbies. If you are anything like me, an extrovert, it can be tough feeling too drained to see friends. And, in a way, friends are stable and part of a routine, which may trigger memories of the past (since you had them during the relationship).

I'm going to suggest something that helped me. I understand if it doesn't apply to you, so take it with a grain of salt. One of the devastating things from my time with my ex was that in the end I felt like she didn't love me for who I am. She changed me over time and I lost myself. What I needed after the breakup was validation. I needed to have social interactions where people valued me for who I am, which in turn strengthened my recovery. I created an online dating profile. I did this as a way to meet new people and go on first dates, which turned out to be a lot of fun. A first date is non-committal and a great way to share fun parts about your personality and hobbies with someone who is hopefully genuinely curious. And in turn, you get to see that there is a world out there with many different kinds of people. It got me out of the rut after the breakup.

Again, this helped me. I found the anticipation of a first date to be exciting and stimulating. It got my mind off of things.

[valet]

Hey nonya, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

For a while I wanted to forget things too.

It turns out, however, that usually with these types of relationships there is no forgetting. There is only acceptance of the things that we remember.

Good luck on your path.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Schermarhorn, You have more control over your mind than you might think.  I'm going to share a technique that has worked for me.  When thoughts of her come up, tell your mind to "Cancel" or ":)elete."  Say it out loud if you need to.  Then consciously shift your thoughts to some pleasant topic or memory.  At the outset, you might have to say "Cancel" a lot in order to create new pathways in your brain.  There is actually a scientific basis for this approach.  Good luck!

LuckyJim

[Michelle27]

I don't ever want to forget.  I know that sounds strange, but for me, forgetting would put me in danger of potentially finding myself in a similar situation in the future.  I firmly believe that I hold the biggest blame for allowing things to get to where they did, allowing myself to have little to no boundaries and for taking responsibility for the course of the relationship while he behaved badly.  I also have to take responsibility for my part in making things worse by placing the focus on his behavior instead of looking closer at my own until the latter part of the relationship.  I need to remember the lessons I've learned and never forget how I got there and stayed there.

[Sunfl0wer]

I don't ever want to forget.  I know that sounds strange, but for me, forgetting would put me in danger of potentially finding myself in a similar situation in the future.  I firmly believe that I hold the biggest blame for allowing things to get to where they did, allowing myself to have little to no boundaries and for taking responsibility for the course of the relationship while he behaved badly.  I also have to take responsibility for my part in making things worse by placing the focus on his behavior instead of looking closer at my own until the latter part of the relationship.  I need to remember the lessons I've learned and never forget how I got there and stayed there.

It sounds like maybe you are punishing yourself?

While reading your words, I related a bit to something in them.  I didn't originally think of it this way, but I think I do punish myself.  In general, it is easier for me to punish myself, than to forgive myself.

I wonder if you are having a similar issue?

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, doesn't mean avoiding learning the lessons needed to be a stronger you.  I believe it is a path to the stronger you.

Now if only I can wrap my head around: How to forgive oneself

[Michelle27]

I don't ever want to forget.  I know that sounds strange, but for me, forgetting would put me in danger of potentially finding myself in a similar situation in the future.  I firmly believe that I hold the biggest blame for allowing things to get to where they did, allowing myself to have little to no boundaries and for taking responsibility for the course of the relationship while he behaved badly.  I also have to take responsibility for my part in making things worse by placing the focus on his behavior instead of looking closer at my own until the latter part of the relationship.  I need to remember the lessons I've learned and never forget how I got there and stayed there.

It sounds like maybe you are punishing yourself?

While reading your words, I related a bit to something in them.  I didn't originally think of it this way, but I think I do punish myself.  In general, it is easier for me to punish myself, than to forgive myself.

I wonder if you are having a similar issue?

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, doesn't mean avoiding learning the lessons needed to be a stronger you.  I believe it is a path to the stronger you.

Now if only I can wrap my head around: How to forgive oneself

No, I don't believe I am punishing myself.  I worked through all of this and have forgiven myself and detached from the codependency I had on my ex which let the anger and resentments go for good.  I am in the best place I've ever been in my entire life now with what I know of myself.

[Schermarhorn]

Hey nonya,

As strange as this sounds, congrats on one month of being NC. I agree that one month is not a lot of time. The wound is still very fresh and it does take time to heal. In truth, I think this is the reality. I'm sorry but I wanted to give my honest thought about it. However, there are some things that you can do, I think. I understand what you mean by being too drained to hang out with friends or do you old hobbies. If you are anything like me, an extrovert, it can be tough feeling too drained to see friends. And, in a way, friends are stable and part of a routine, which may trigger memories of the past (since you had them during the relationship).

I'm going to suggest something that helped me. I understand if it doesn't apply to you, so take it with a grain of salt. One of the devastating things from my time with my ex was that in the end I felt like she didn't love me for who I am. She changed me over time and I lost myself. What I needed after the breakup was validation. I needed to have social interactions where people valued me for who I am, which in turn strengthened my recovery. I created an online dating profile. I did this as a way to meet new people and go on first dates, which turned out to be a lot of fun. A first date is non-committal and a great way to share fun parts about your personality and hobbies with someone who is hopefully genuinely curious. And in turn, you get to see that there is a world out there with many different kinds of people. It got me out of the rut after the breakup.

Again, this helped me. I found the anticipation of a first date to be exciting and stimulating. It got my mind off of things.

I really hate dating. It is one of the reasons I liked her so much, she pretty much just wanted to hang out instead of doing actual dates. I could just be comfortable around her.

Every time I think of her I get really happy for a few seconds, and then I relive the breakup all over again.

My mindset has been a constant rollercoaster since the breakup. Some days I hate her and would never want to talk to her, some days I think I would be able to recover if I could talk to her for 5 minutes, some days I want her back, some days I think this was all my fault, some days I think it was all her fault, some days I am sure she had BPD, some days I think I am the one that is insane.

I'm embarrassed for how I acted when she blocked me. Trying to contact her anyway I can begging her to talk to me. I would never think I would be that kind of person. I knew the names of all her friends, I knew her entire family history, I knew all of her dreams, I knew her lowest points in life, I knew what she was scared of, she told me everything (if they weren't lies).

I'm sure she's telling the next guy the same things, except shes adding how crazy I am. After I would get upset she would send my texts to her friends and show me how her friends have call me insane. So not only do I have her telling me everything that is wrong with me and blocking me, I also get to see how crazy her friends think I am.

I just don't understand how someone can get under my skin so much in such a short timespan. For a while I expected her to just ditch due to how hot and cold she was from the first breakup. It's like she knew exactly when to cut me off when I really was attached to her. I just want to block all of this out and never think about it again.

[Sunfl0wer]

I don't ever want to forget.  I know that sounds strange, but for me, forgetting would put me in danger of potentially finding myself in a similar situation in the future.  I firmly believe that I hold the biggest blame for allowing things to get to where they did, allowing myself to have little to no boundaries and for taking responsibility for the course of the relationship while he behaved badly.  I also have to take responsibility for my part in making things worse by placing the focus on his behavior instead of looking closer at my own until the latter part of the relationship.  I need to remember the lessons I've learned and never forget how I got there and stayed there.

So maybe an issue of not trusting yourself?

[Michelle27]

I don't ever want to forget.  I know that sounds strange, but for me, forgetting would put me in danger of potentially finding myself in a similar situation in the future.  I firmly believe that I hold the biggest blame for allowing things to get to where they did, allowing myself to have little to no boundaries and for taking responsibility for the course of the relationship while he behaved badly.  I also have to take responsibility for my part in making things worse by placing the focus on his behavior instead of looking closer at my own until the latter part of the relationship.  I need to remember the lessons I've learned and never forget how I got there and stayed there.

So maybe an issue of not trusting yourself?

Ah, that's just it.  I DIDN'T trust myself or my instincts.  Now I do.  Healing has involved so many different things. One is that I didn't trust my guts when they were screaming out at me and listening to that would have saved me so much heartache.  One of my girlfriends has been on a healing journey of her own and we have so many conversations about this and how not listening to our instincts has hurt us.  No more.

[Beach_Babe]

I pray everyday. Please god let me forget.

[Loosestrife]

I think michelle27 might be onto something with remembering rather than trying to forget - remember the good and bad times, what we want and what we don't want. We are all here for you

[oor_wullie]

I don't want closure, I just want to quit thinking about her.

Everything reminds me of her. The shows I watch, this campus, the music I listen to, etc.

I have tried going out with friends, I have tried to keep her out of my mind. It has been a month and I almost feel just as bad as day one.

She's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing before bed.

I specifically remember telling her that I was getting too attached to her and her response was "go ahead, I am not going anywhere."

Does anybody have any advice to block her out of my miand?

i'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties. really sorry. you have my total sympathy - you're right in the middle of the *hardest* part of this. the absolute worst part.

i do have some advice, but it's not a magic bullet i'm afraid. that's the hardest part - there are no easy fixes... .there are no guaranteed fixes either. and even the stuff that works doesn't work *all* the time.

if your ex is BPD, then what you're feeling now is something that no one else (other than those who've also been with a BPD) can sympathise with. people will start telling you to get over it. they might tell you that it's been a "whole month" now - why aren't you moving on yet?

but that's a joke, isn't it. a month is nothing. you probably feel worse now than you did at the start. and you can't stop thinking about her - because BPDs are so deeply, dangerously, like a drug. they are *perfect*. she was never going to leave you. she promised you the whole world, and a perfect wonderful everlasting relationship where you were the centre of the universe. you were everything to her. you were her GOD.

and then she left. she encouraged you to attach your entire soul and being and self to her, and then she just left, dragging your soul and entire being with her. no one else, other than BPDs, have this ability to so completely bewitch you, and that's why it's so agonising when they suddenly flip, and cut you entirely out of their lives.

was it a lie? was it my fault? why didn't i see this coming? is she with someone else now? is that other person making her happy? am i really so worthless? nothing but terrible, painful questions screaming themselves around your head - over and over, with no answers other than the memory of this perfect person who suddenly decided she didn't need you any more.

well, here is some truth. it's not your fault. you could NOT have seen this coming (even if you could, you were hypnotised effectively). if she's with someone else, she's going to do the exact same thing to him/her (or worse). you are not worthless - BPDs need someone with a good heart and a ton of patience to latch onto - they only go for the sweetest, kindest people who will listen to them and give them sympathy and love.

the answer to how to stop thinking about them? well - first thing you need to do is take control. you feel out of control now, so change that. do something positive. delete your pictures of her. get rid of anything she gave you. give it to charity - do something positive with the stuff that's worth something. don't sell it (you don't want that money) - give it away. block her on social media, block her number from your phone. block her on email. take steps to make it impossible, or really hard, for her to contact you, because eventually she will. take a break from social media if need be. make sure that if she looks you up, she won't find you.

if you find yourself thinking about her, or having conversations with her in your head, imagine yourself a drill-sergeant type character you can conjure in your head, and have him/her shout at you to STOP TALKING to your ex! sometimes i have liz lemon from 30 rock tell me to SHUT IT DOWN. make it a game.

forget about moving on for now. give yourself permission to be single for a while. don't do things in the hopes she'll find out and that will hurt her. don't give her that power over you. do things for you, and only for you. give yourself a break. this isn't going to be easy. it's only been one month. it takes longer. that sounds harsh, but really it's important to give yourself a break - i don't want you to feel like you've failed just because you're still feeling bad after only a month. you haven't failed. it takes longer than that.

finally, one last thing. she's going to try and get you back at some point. something is going to happen, that might feel like a chance meeting, or a coincidence, or maybe she'll try getting in touch because she needs to tell you about something funny,  or random, or whatever. doesn't matter the reason. it's deliberate. somehow she'll engineer a reason to see you or meet you. and there's a good chance she'll tell you she made a mistake, she's been miserable, she's been going out with this new person but they're really horrible and nothing like YOU, and she remembers how lovely it was, and here's a picture/thing that she's saved from when you were together and she keeps it with her all the time because you were the one and she's never stopped thinking about you.

it's a crock. it won't feel like a crock, it will feel like such a relief, that you'll forget all the horror you've been put through, and you'll FLY back into her arms again. and then two weeks, months, years, whatever later she'll leave you again, go back to some other guy (or maybe the guy she left to get back with you) and tell them the EXACT same thing she told you to get back together with you.

so you need to be prepared. you need to try and avoid that if you possibly can, because the breakup for you/us is so much harder after each of these recycles. not least because that question about "why didn't i see this coming?" becomes so much harder to avoid. but here's the thing - you don't see it coming, even when they come back, even after hurting you like crazy the last time. know why? because you're a good and trusting person, you're not a cynic, and you can't bring yourself to believe that someone would deliberately hurt you this way. you forgive and accept them at their word, and let them back into your life again.

because you're a good person. and that's the truth.

and the final truth is that, despite having a serious mental illness, she's also an adult and a human being, and ultimately she is NOT a good person. there isn't the BPD side of her, and the "good" side of her. there is just HER. she has a choice, and she chooses to do the things she does, and take no responsibility for the pain she puts people through. she only, ONLY thinks of herself. she is, for all practical purposes, a monster, and you need to keep yourself as far away from her as you possibly can.

stay safe. take care.

[Lucky Jim]

One is that I didn't trust my guts when they were screaming out at me and listening to that would have saved me so much heartache.  One of my girlfriends has been on a healing journey of her own and we have so many conversations about this and how not listening to our instincts has hurt us.  No more.

Michelle27 -- Totally agree.  I nearly destroyed myself by not listening to my gut feelings.  Now, when I find myself at a loss, I try to do some thinking "from the neck down."  Deep breathing helps, too.

LuckyJim

[sas1729]

I really hate dating. It is one of the reasons I liked her so much, she pretty much just wanted to hang out instead of doing actual dates. I could just be comfortable around her.

Hey nonya,

I admit that dating can be tricky. I think though that you have an important point here that is worth investigating. Hanging out is totally fine. Not doing date things is fine. It's not that. I am wondering instead if perhaps part of the difficulty in letting go is that she made you feel so comfortable around her. In other words, were you only comfortable with yourself when hanging out with her? In my experience, my BPDex slowly molded me to the point where I was unhappy alone. I thought I was the happiest when I was with her just hanging out.

My biggest challenge in letting go was the fear of facing the world alone. I had been trained to feel safe and comfortable with her. In my case there was no remedy but simply being by myself. I'm still uncomfortable alone. I don't like being alone still, and I think it's in part due to my experience with my ex.

But it gets better. Thinking about her and missing her at times shows that you are human. You have emotions that are powerful. The challenge is separating the genuine feelings from whatever fears you may have. As I said, in my case I missed her in part because I was afraid to be alone. Eventually those two things were detached, and I came to realize that I did not miss her as much in reality.

[deadmau5]

I really hate dating. It is one of the reasons I liked her so much, she pretty much just wanted to hang out instead of doing actual dates. I could just be comfortable around her.

Hey nonya,

I admit that dating can be tricky. I think though that you have an important point here that is worth investigating. Hanging out is totally fine. Not doing date things is fine. It's not that. I am wondering instead if perhaps part of the difficulty in letting go is that she made you feel so comfortable around her. In other words, were you only comfortable with yourself when hanging out with her? In my experience, my BPDex slowly molded me to the point where I was unhappy alone. I thought I was the happiest when I was with her just hanging out.

My biggest challenge in letting go was the fear of facing the world alone. I had been trained to feel safe and comfortable with her. In my case there was no remedy but simply being by myself. I'm still uncomfortable alone. I don't like being alone still, and I think it's in part due to my experience with my ex.

But it gets better. Thinking about her and missing her at times shows that you are human. You have emotions that are powerful. The challenge is separating the genuine feelings from whatever fears you may have. As I said, in my case I missed her in part because I was afraid to be alone. Eventually those two things were detached, and I came to realize that I did not miss her as much in reality.

I know I am usually comfortable when I am alone. I would say I am an introvert.

I have noticed that I do get lonely much more often when I am alone now, though. Before it wouldn't phase me at all. Now since my BPDex left me, I get in a rut.

[joeramabeme]

oor_wullie

You said some interesting stuff in this post.  

and then she left. she encouraged you to attach your entire soul and being and self to her, and then she just left, dragging your soul and entire being with her. no one else, other than BPDs, have this ability to so completely bewitch you, and that's why it's so agonising when they suddenly flip, and cut you entirely out of their lives.

I had not thought of this point before but you are so right.  At least in my case, there was a spoken and inferred encouragement to abandon myself to the relationship.  I had some trepidation but overall experienced this as a positive.  She encouraged me to stop thinking like I would ever be single again and that we were joining together for life, a commitment that I wanted and made through matrimony.  The unspoken part was that she was so persuasive in our arguments when I would have fears that she would counter by saying that I was always so terminal in my r/s thinking and that all married couples have issues and will work them through.  In the end she is the one who never had a thought about being terminal, just became terminal.

BPDs need someone with a good heart and a ton of patience to latch onto - they only go for the sweetest, kindest people who will listen to them and give them sympathy and love.

I believe this is true too.  I thought about some of her exes and how I was or was not like them.  I saw a pattern that we were all good people, with open hearts and minds, willing to be flexible to accommodate others and were genuinely caring.  It is like she wants the sweet boy next door as she can feel safe with this type of person.

finally, one last thing. she's going to try and get you back at some point. something is going to happen, that might feel like a chance meeting, or a coincidence, or maybe she'll try getting in touch because she needs to tell you about something funny,  or random, or whatever. doesn't matter the reason. it's deliberate. somehow she'll engineer a reason to see you or meet you. and there's a good chance she'll tell you she made a mistake, she's been miserable, she's been going out with this new person but they're really horrible and nothing like YOU, and she remembers how lovely it was, and here's a picture/thing that she's saved from when you were together and she keeps it with her all the time because you were the one and she's never stopped thinking about you.

I have heard other stories about recycling, but is it true that they all do this?  Is it part of the disorder to want to come back to the scene of the crime?  Perhaps a guilt complex of some sort?

[Schermarhorn]

I don't want closure, I just want to quit thinking about her.

Everything reminds me of her. The shows I watch, this campus, the music I listen to, etc.

I have tried going out with friends, I have tried to keep her out of my mind. It has been a month and I almost feel just as bad as day one.

She's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing before bed.

I specifically remember telling her that I was getting too attached to her and her response was "go ahead, I am not going anywhere."

Does anybody have any advice to block her out of my miand?

so you need to be prepared. you need to try and avoid that if you possibly can, because the breakup for you/us is so much harder after each of these recycles. not least because that question about "why didn't i see this coming?" becomes so much harder to avoid. but here's the thing - you don't see it coming, even when they come back, even after hurting you like crazy the last time. know why? because you're a good and trusting person, you're not a cynic, and you can't bring yourself to believe that someone would deliberately hurt you this way. you forgive and accept them at their word, and let them back into your life again.

I don't know if they would be considered recycles, but the first 2 times she broke up with me it wasn't THAT bad. The last time (even though it was just days after the previous one) tore me up for some reason.

Like the 3 transitions from being her favorite person to being blocked and not talking is just so hard to process for me. And my dad was bipolar, so I am used to drastic moodswings.

[SummerStorm]

I know I am usually comfortable when I am alone. I would say I am an introvert.

I have noticed that I do get lonely much more often when I am alone now, though. Before it wouldn't phase me at all. Now since my BPDex left me, I get in a rut.

Same here.  I used to love being alone.  I didn't care if I had friends and really had no interest in dating.  Now, I hate being alone, but I also don't feel like being around people because I just don't have the energy to communicate.

[oor_wullie]

I have heard other stories about recycling, but is it true that they all do this?  Is it part of the disorder to want to come back to the scene of the crime?  Perhaps a guilt complex of some sort?

i do think they all do this, to some extent or another. but i don't believe it's out of guilt - actually it's probably the opposite. it's partly the guilt that drives them away from us - all the crap that they've done, they have to justify to themselves as being "okay", but i'd guess that gets harder and harder, so it they start to paint us black instead, making *us* the bad ones. then they leave.

they also leave because those initial feelings they had, about us, the feelings they *need* to have, where we're their saviours, their one true love, the best thing that ever happened to them, start to smother them. it flips on them from total need, to feeling totally overwhelmed. and then there's the additional paranoia that they get about being abandoned by us - an almost self-fulfilling prophecy in some cases, because of how badly they start to treat us.

so they leave. they find someone else, or they go back to a previous partner (recycling them). the cycle starts again with that person, they leave them, and now they need someone to go to. the safe option is someone that they've had all these wonderful feelings for in the past. they forget the bad things we did (or their subconscious *knows* that, really, we didn't actually do any of those bad things anyway), and they make some vague pretence about meeting us, and then... .well, if it's working out alright in their heads (sometimes it doesn't stick, or maybe they're trying on a few people at once), they'll properly fixate on you again, and boom - you're recycled.

you were always the one. they made a mistake leaving you, or it wasn't the right time, but now it is. the person they left you for was an a**hole, treated them like sh*t, and now they're so glad to be coming back to you. this is right. this is perfect. this time will be different. and, here's the kicker - they will probably not be willing to suggest that they've changed, because that implies that they did something wrong first time around. no. the reason it will work this time is that *you* have changed. in their minds, you're now okay, even tho they once painted you black, because you've changed. not them!

crazy stuff.

and, of course, if you pay attention you'll realise that everything she's telling you now about why you are the one, and the other person was a d*ck, are the exact same things that she told you when she left you for this "d*ck", except the other way around. and you have to know that, when she left you for this other person, she told *them* the same exact story that she's telling you now.

i fell for this routine maybe about 4 times. it's slightly different each time, but somehow she managed to make the story work. and, of course, i was lonely and vulnerable each time she did this - they can somehow tell! it's frightening.

the last time there were almost 4 years between recycles. she saw me a couple of times, we waved at each other once, i emailed her to say hi, she realised from that that i'd forgiven her for all the crap she'd done (involving police, trying to get me fired, slandering me to everyone she knew, etc... .i'm not very clever i guess), and it spiralled quickly from there to her "leaving" her husband (for maybe the third time... .i feel sorry for that poor guy) and being with me. 10 months later and it all fell apart again.

the chance meetings. the need to contact you about some unfinished item of business (she needs to return something she suddenly, six months later, realised she'd borrowed from you), or some other lame excuse. guard against it. it will happen. it's *not* a coincidence, it's a potential recycle. the short term benefits are intense emotions, sex and joy, followed quickly by the whole thing unravelling under the weight of her lies, and her inability to ever atone for the past horrors she put you through.